Happy Beleated Thanksgiving!

No I haven't forgotten about you.
Adam and I went to visit Adam's Family for T-Day and we had a good time. Granted we didn't do a whole lot. I sat in front of the TV and knitted and Adam sat in front of the tv and played WoW. I think they were disappointed we didn't do more, but we were so happy to have a break.

I started a new job at a customer service place from 6 am to 8 am and I really like getting up when he does. I can do my yarn business stuff after words. While we were on vacation my horses decided to break out and led my friend who was watching them on wild chase that took up most the day. Apparently the electric fence had come unplugged. Not good.

We had a lot of fun and ate a TON of food on vacation. I can feel myself getting wider. Time to hit the gym. I told myself I would be less busy this time of year and I just seem to get busier and busier. I have no idea how this happens. I am not even caught up in holiday stuff. Yet. Anyways.
I'll write more later.

Busy

Is really not an excuse I know. We have internet at the new house, but I am really in hiding from the world mode. Only Adam's computer is really set up. I think we are going to use one of my old computers as a server and send back ups and stuff like that to it so that should be a lot of fun or at least interesting.

Still in negotiations over where we are going to put everything. Adam seems to think the dining room table is a good place, but I think that it is a very bad place. Go Figure. Mainly because I cannot see the TV and because only one computer fits. Hmmmm. I think we are going to turn our second living room into a gaming room. That way we don't spend all of our time in the computer room. We hardly ever used our living room in the old house. I think we really like this new house. I think it will work out well. Even if it is a little decrepit. Ok a lot decrepit. It'll work for now.

News with me: I have a job interview and the yarn business is going well. Everything is messy now, but once we get the bookshelves in it won't be so bad. We will have places for things at least.

Another thing I have noticed is that I am way more sensitive to violent and scary things then I ever was before. I was watching Silence of the Lambs this morning and I have seen it before, but I seemed more affected this time then I have in the past. I couldn't tell you why, I don't know. I have noticed that horror movies and scary stories don't seem like as much fun as they used too. I never watch anything even remotely military anymore. :: shrug:: Just one of those things I guess.

Hope all is well with you guys.

Proud

I wrote this a couple days ago, but I don't have internet in the new house yet. I talked to Qwest and after talking to a Qwest costumer service girl who was convinced that Qwest didn't operate in my area (even though that is what they had before). She told me to call back later to talk to someone else and maybe they could help me. I called my property manager and asked him if he knew what was available. Apparently, he knows someone who works at Quest and she called me back like 10 minutes later and assured me that there was Quest in that area and got me a good deal.

Ugh. The 6th - 10th. Can't wait.


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I don't know what it is about men in the army that holds such an allure. I love Grey's Anatomy and the new Army surgeon they have on the show is cool. He really embodies the things that I love about Adam's Armyness. He is confident and sure in his training and knows he can do the job he set out to do and is committed to the end of the mission. As much as I dislike some army things that is something I really like. Adam says I like to be on base because it makes me feel important. I guess that is partly true. I like to be on base because some part of me feels like I am contributing to our country and I am very proud not only that Adam is soldier, but a damn good soldier.

He is meticulous and goes the extra mile in his job. He takes his duty very seriously. It is more than just a job, as it for many soldiers. I am happy that he takes pride in his work. I mean I don't fight and I am not trained in anything, but in some small way I feel like I get to contribute.

Adam and I went to Issa's wedding and he wore his "special army outfit" and he showed me and explained all his medals and ribbons. I have never really thought about all the stuff he accomplished in Iraq. It blew me away. Adam is not the sort of person who talks about his accomplishments, so I feel special knowing that he wanted to show me and wanted to explain it all to me. He was so handsome in his outfit. So very handsome. Maybe thats part of the allure. I do love him so.

I am too tired to make anymore sense. I am so worn out. Adam makes me end my day, when he is not around I feel like the day never ends. I never want to sleep. I am a different animal when he is not around. Both good things and bad things. I need a haircut and to see a dentist.

What to say?

I have been trying to be more upbeat lately. ESPECIALLY after being called "A Negative Nancy" by someone who shall remain nameless.

I know I don't need to be so stress out about everything that is going on, I mean yeah it sucks that he is gone and yeah some things are stressful, but all in all I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful man in my life.

Lala, when I read your suggestion of bath time, I thought, WHAT A GREAT idea, and poured a tubby and jumped in. I was much calmer after that.

I think me time is a big struggle for me. I feel like I don't take enough and like I take to much all at the same time. How much me time is appropriate? I mean I am not even sure why I am writing when I could be playing WoW? Or playing with the new XBox (they are on sale at the px!) Or watching a movie? Or mixing up dyes for tomorrow morning? I mean I have a whole week to figure that out so I can try an be less "negative" next week. Fun Fun.

At some point ... crap Adam just called I need to run him over some stuff to the base... laters

So.. worn.. out

I am heading to bed, I have been wanting to write in my blog forever. As well as ride my horses. But I can't because I am busy. Too busy. Always too busy. Letting the important stuff go.

Normally I let Adam's work sort of dictate my schedule. However tonight he is not coming home because he has to stay at WLC. So he is not here to tell me to come to bed. This is the first night I have had to spend alone in our apartment since he came home from Iraq and I feel like I am just falling apart. I don't want any sympathy bids. Nothing anyone can say is going to make me feel better. By the time most of you read I will already feel better. I wonder if this total panic about him not being here will ever go away.

I have slept alone since he has been home, but it has been because I am traveling not because I am home alone. Nothing like being home alone with too much time to yourself to make you wonder how you got here. What a strange feeling.

Mostly I feel tired, headachy, hot, and cranky. I hope I am not getting sick, that would definitely explain why I feel like crap though. Usually I just put up with it until he comes home and then I do feel like a million dollars. Last night he sang the song from Top Gun, you have lost that loving feeling to get me to give him a kiss. He makes me so happy when he is here.

But when he is not I am at a total loss. Not only am I pretty sure that's not very healthy, but it makes me feel pretty crazy and codependent. I am definitely feeling angry. Very angry.

Mostly I am tired of being nicey- nice to people. I am pretty much at the point where I totally understand why people go on shooting sprees and kill everyone for no reason. There is no good explaination. Anyways, tomorrow morning I hope I feel better, less angry. Mostly I am angry at myself for being pushed into these shitty positions where there is no way out but to explode. If I could tell everyone in my life how stupid and insane they are maybe I would feel better. Something is going to have to give. Tomorrow Adam will be home and things that seemed really confusing and angry making will make more sense. I hope.

OK OK

Poor butthead. He is gassed out as he likes to say. I came home last night after spending a bunch of time at the new house and he says,"You know what we should do tonight, honey?" and I looked at him and said,"Um, Sleep?" He laughed and said,"Yeah I was thinking make some dinner and watch anime." Ah we sound like a married couple. I feel badly for him today I need to go buy some hay and run errands and that is definitely not a "day off". My ponies are in my backyard of my new house. That's very cool.

So he is exhausted and still asleep, but we went to bed at 8:30 so at 5:30 this morning I was wide awake. Ugh. So I get up. I can't believe I am up at 5:30 on a Saturday, what is my life coming to?!!?!?

Lala asked me how I stay sane when I move. I am so used to moving that I am a little worried about living inthe same house for a year. I will be the first time I have done in my entire life. Since my parents where divorced I always at least visited for a whole summer and I co0nstantly switched schools and houses. A better question is how am I going to cope with being part of a "community" and staying in one place. It seems scary. I am not a Washingtonian and I don't really desire to be one. That said how am I going to find a life here that suits me? I can't be an outsider forever. I guess I just have to learn not to identify who I am with a) where I live or b) my job. Most people identify that way anyways. I think army people just identify with the army and call it a done deal. I don't know yet and I don't want to look at it too hard. I really struggle with this for some reason. Adam doesn't, just me. Though he might feel this a little when he gets out of the army. The army has provided him with so much structure, he doesn't have a lot of choice.

I have to say I am constantly amazed with how much crap he just takes from people because he has to. I would go crazy if people treated me the way they treat him. He is polite and plays ball. I don't know if I could, though the 8 weeks of basic or whatever it is might change my mind.

He is so handsome when he sleeps. He has been asleep for 12 hours, time to go put my very cold feet on him! toodles!

Your are right!

I need to update.

The truth is I have been traveling for the last two weeks. Does that buy me a repreive? And we have been moving into our new place which has involved a lot of fence putting up because our new property has space for horses!

On top of that Adam has WLC which means they find new ways to run us through the ringer. For example, yesterday we had to get up @ 3:45 since both cars were on base (after getting home at 10 pm from the airport) and Adam had to be there at 4:30. I drove back and started picking up the house (I won't even mention the fruit flies attracted by the old food.... barf) because we had both been gone two weeks. Then I did some stuff for my business and packing up the house. I was driving around doing stuff all day. Adam got home at 6, we finished setting up the electric fence, drove all the way over to the horses, got Mc Donald's on the way (we have been eating way to much fast food), picked up the horse (hooked up the trailer,caught them loaded them up) drove back to the new house, unloaded set them up. Now its 8:45. We went home went straight to bed, DO NOT pass go, DO NOT collect $200 ( I wish) and started all over this morning at 4 am.

I know Adam is so worn out, they haven't been sleeping on the beds at WLC because they are only allowed a couple hours of sleep and they don't want to spend them making the beds. That is the most stupid thing on the planet, I don't even know why they give them beds, its just takes up space in the rooms. He only gets Saturday off Sunday he has to go in at 7:30. So we are planning not to do anything on Saturday. Poor Butthead.

Anyways, there is a semi update. I might find some pictures of my new to put up.

:)

Taco Salad is yummy -- 4 am sucks

but not as bad as I thought it would. I had to drive butthead to work today because the truck was still at the oil change place. Of course this morning he had a battalion run soooooo we got to be there at 5 am instead of 6 am. Ugh.

It wasn't that bad. I like to be able to see him in the morning even if he is a total grouch. :) Some days we are so disorganized it is like how the hell did we get this far in life? Ugh and double ugh. I saw Caitlin's blog about recipes and I have been following New Girl on Post's idea about the recipe's a little, I have just been so busy ( I know, Sid Lovely, I read about being in the moment and I totally agree, it is something I work on ALL THE TIME ;) ) I haven't had a chance. I wrote about a frustration I had the other day and hurt a good friend's feelings so I have been a little jaded about the whole intarweb lately. Eventually I will go look at the recipe site, but I know I am going to get sucked in for hours on end and so I am currently resisting. I will find some time soon.
Meanwhile I will tell you about my recent army observations, and my favorite recipe that is so dang easy and everyone always loves it.

Taco Salad
1 bag your favorite tortilla chips ( I like the tostitos scoops)
1 lb chicken/ ground beef/ ground turkey/ ground elk (venison)/ antelope steak
thyme
garlic
onion ( I like the red/ purple variety)
salsa (I like the corn and black bean kind)
shredded cheese
refried beans or black beans
bagged spinich or salad
guacamole (if you like it) or avocados
olive oil

In a pan, put olive oil / diced onion/ garlic, give it a minute then add meat and sprinkle thyme over it (or if you have the thyme leaves, add the leaves), some people add cayenne here as well but it can be over powering.

While that cooks in a large serving bowl platter whatever line with chips. Add salad and sprinkle with cheese. If you do not have picky eaters, reheat beans and pour over the top. When meat is done cooking spread evenly over salad. Put salsa and sour cream on table with spoons. If you have avocado you can spread it over the top as well and I keep some chips on hand in a bowl in case people get chip shorted. Serve and enjoy. This is really quick and easy. My Mom omits the garlic and onion/ spices and pours a jar of mild or medium salsa in with the meat as it cooks, this is great if you have lean meat (especially game meat) and you are worried about it being dry. I put extra of everything on the table as well so people can add more beans or whatever if they want. this is a messy dinner, but one of my very favorites, and so DANG easy and quick, all you really have to do is cook the meat and assemble a salad.

I have a recipe for guacamole and I can post that as well sometime.

So now observations of behavior on base that strike me as funny. When ever I see and older enlisted person, I automatically assume they are a high rank and hunt for their rank on their clothing, often they are in pts which have no rank. So I feel like saying to them,"What is your rank so I know how polite I have to be?" Yesterday we were at the mall and there was a silver hummer that had all the amenities and a vanity plate that said sgt(so and so). I thought it was a little strange, and Adam, said,"He must be some sort of packing clerk who tells people that he is in the army and a real solider," and he went on to do this halarious impression of a guy who things he is so cool because he is in the army even though all he does is serve soldiers packages, "and is only open for about 2 hours a day when everyone is at work so they can never pick up their packages" and "plays video games in the back room the other 6 hours of the day." This character has "an m-16 that they won't even give me ammo for (because I have never actually been trained to use it)." At this point I am like rolling on the floor laffing. Adam can be so dang funny. I think he should do stand up. He thinks only I think he is funny.

We did have a moment similar to this where we were trying to get some weapons registered and he got off work and we hurried over there before they close and we literally were the last ones there, and it was 4:35 and all we needed was him to look it over and give us one quick signature and the guy told us to come back tomorrow. They open at 07:30, and close at 16:30. Both of which times Adam is likely still at work. How frustrating. I couldn't believe that guy didn't help us, it was truly a crappy thing to do. Whatever. The gate people are nice. I am getting used to base. I pretty much know my way around. The only thing I can buy without Adam is food, but I do really like being able to go on base because I am allowed to now. I am part of one of the world's strangest clubs where the rules and traditions and behaviors almost always make me laugh.

Yesterday was a slow day in the blogosphere...

I tried to make yesterday good, I really did. It just didn't want to be good. I almost hit a car in the parking lot, I got a call that the one of the foals had died, I talked to my mother and she sounds crazier then ever. Then we played WoW and the people we were playing with, who are good friends of ours were just not attentive and let us die and we didn't finish the instance.

Oh well today is going to have to be better. I am just tired of bad days. I don't want any more to darken my door step.

Anyways, I really wish this apartment came with a big bathtub. I love bathtubs. Really big ones. Adam doesn't like baths. I could lay in a bath for 4-5 easily depending on the size of the tub. I have been the swimmer and water child. We are starting to look for a new place and I am worried about even looking because I just KNOW it is going to be a ton of work. I need a place that is CLOSE to base, has a garage or basement, and has room for 2-4 horses. Then I am going to need to haul hay from Wyoming. Hmmm it shouldn't be that bad. One of Adam's army buddies offered to rent a room, and he is really a cool guy, I like him, that lets me look for bigger places. Which is cool and gives me more options. Anyways I guess I will call a real estate agent.

I am going to go try a yoga class so I better grab a bite. I wonder if you are supposed to eatbefore yoga? I will find out lol. Laters.

Yay! (What a Lame Title, LOL)

Adam got a promotion. I am sure am not supposed to talk about it. Which is really sad, because you are the only people who would really understand how lucky he is for what he got for his rank blah blah blah. He is really happy. He says funny things like "when the unit stands up again," what are they are they laying down??

We are going to have my yellow truck in the for sale lot soon. I wish it was there already, ugh, but because we aren't married and because Adam isn't on the title or the insurance it is a run around. Fun Fun. Like it always is. I was recently validated by an army person the other day. We went to base and I had forgotten my ID (story of our lives) and we were just going to get a hair cut and buy gas. We pulled up and expected to be told to turn around. Well we pulled ot the guy who checks our ID almost every time we go through. I can't believe he recognized us and let us through. He must see a million people a day. He said we were okay. I was shocked. A pog doing something that made our lives easier. As we drove away Adam said, "and that's why we are always super nice to the gate guys." So I am going to be EXTRA nice to the gate guys in the future.

Oh man I have a lot of work to do today. I didn't do any over the weekend, thus there is a lot. Oh on another note, this is so typical Adam, we joined a gym. Adam has decided he is not buff enough and not fast enough. So I have been complaining about being fat for a while. Adam says I am not allowed to complain ANYMORE. They have a bunch of fitness classes and it is less than a mile from here. I agree no more complaining. I went swimming last night, it was great. I can't believe it but I am stiff this morning. Sigh. Out of shape. Well I gtg. Things are good right now. I am enjoying the ride while it lasts. :)

Deferring

In my walks of life , business, horses, military, whatever, people tend to give me advice or tell me how it is. Yesterday my farrier told me that in order to get my horses better about their feet I need to teach them to balance by tying up each of their feet one at a time for about 10 minutes each.... I agree they would stand better if they were balanced, but my 2 year old is still learning about having his feet picked up and that is not how I am going to teach him. I thought this was super shitty advice so I said to him,"Is that what you do with you young horses?" THere was a pregnant pause there and he said,"No actually my horses are bad because I don't have a ton of tiem to spend with them on their feet." He didn't even say I should do that, I could do that thats all he said.

So in light of this discovery I have decided that whenever anyone gives me advice I don't like or don't agree with I am going to ask them,"Is that what you did/do / are going to do?" and if it is they can tell me a story of how it worked for them. Otherwise they realize how stupid their comment is. I like advice, stories whatever. I don't want to be argumentative when I don't agree, or constantly nod and smile. I feel like I am selling out.

Adam cleaned the house the other day and it is SPOTLESS, and I love it. For some reason if I ask him to clean the house nicely, and I have to go some where, when I come home he has done a great job. Its pretty nice to know we don't only rely on my domestic skills. I left him a list of chores so when he came home I found a new list of chores for me. I think its great. We are really working to share the house hold duties. I think that's a good stride forward into the 21st century.

Experiment

I have to say for the most part I did feel a lot better yesterday. I spoke with my Dad for a long time on the phone yesterday and that went really well for once. I don't really think there is anything he can do to shock me.

On a separate note I sometimes wish that I had a totally anonymous blog from my family. I don't think anyone in my family reads my blog, but I don't want to post something that could come back and bite me in the butt. I have been thinking about making another invitation only blog and invite a couple of you guys that I talk to on a regular basis. I would still write in both blog because I know some of you guys lurk and don't comment. It is something I have been thinking about for a while. Meh. Maybe.

Lately I have been forgetful and I am not a very organized person no matter how much I try to be organized I can't seem to get it together. I feel like I have really worked at being more organized, but there never seems to be time to be more organized. Don't get me wrong, I think I take plenty of me time (thought often I do see it as being "lazy") so why can't I take that time and clean house or do something useful with it. My Mother is so neat and clean, hates having the house dirty at all almost to the point of being neurotic about it. I am one of those shove things in the closet to make it look clean types of people. I have always been a procrastinator and I don't know if that is a personality trait or not. I have been trying to be more attentive to procrastinating and doing it less. I definitely avoid stuff by doing other work and justifying it that way.

I have made some mistakes in people's orders that are pretty bad. I have fixed them and made it up to them as best I can, but I still feel like how are people going to view my customer service when I had to fix their order? I wouldn't want to order from me again. I mean people do and they understand it is basically a one person operation, but still. Though I do think my levels of professional standards are higher then the average person and I may be holding myself to a pretty rigid standard.

On top of everything else I find myself waiting for Adam to get home to do stuff. Adam is working 11 hour days right now. Which drives me up the wall because they mostly sit around on base. It wasn't such a big deal to sit around on base in his barracks room when he lived on base. However, now that he can come home at the end of the day, the being on call is just painful. Oh well. That is how it is right now.

Much Better

Well thanks to everyone for the comments, even Lala's :) ( I hope to visit her soon). I think what I find most insulting that people have said to me (and she said this too), get a marriage license and have a wedding later. I really want the ceremony that I am having at my wedding to be legally binding wedding. I have decided from now on, when someone says that to me I am going to ask them if that is what they did. But I am moving on. No more excuses.

I have come back to that point where I have too much to do, but I am finally learning to stop panicking about it. I think. I like to watch what not wear on my "lunch break" and I am constantly amazed about how women that I consider skinny or "normal weight" are super self conscious about their body. I am also amazed that (in New York City) there really are clothes to fit just about every body type. I am a little bummed because the show used to have more men on it and I don't think I have seen an episode with men in a long long time. It seems a little sexist. I have been watching more TV since Adam set one up in my computer room. I also watched wife swap. It was meh. The do a really good job of placing people with conflicting values in each others home. I think that is cool, I usually always side with a certain family. I think that I would get the uber conservative family. I don't know though.

(I am trying really hard to write a blog where I don't just talk about problems and negative things, it really seems to be flotsam...but we will see). I do want to say on this note though that before Adam and I lived together I had a lot of fear about what it would be like and if we were really as compatible as we thought we were and none of those fears became realized. I had fears that after the deployment he would come home from war and not be able to deal with the things he had done. So I have been watching him like a hawk, night and day. AS far as I can tell he seems to be fine. Some nightmares, some scary moments where he hasn't really believed that he is home. It hasn't been anything that has been a real problem.

Yesterday I had a stressful day, but today I am going to tread carefully and see if I have to stress about all things I keep stressing about. I mean I have a big decision to make about whether I am actually going to ride in the futurities and I think I am and I am trying to be brave. I am worried that I won't be as prepared and I could have been. I think that it was the best I could do given the circumstances and there is no reason to not ride. I may not be as prepared as I would like, but it is not like I am going to fall off, I just may not win. On the flip side every chance that I get to go out in that big arena and be nervous and ride anyways is a step towards being more relaxed. To chip away at that fear that I can never do anything "great" (that's a whole other stupid complex I have that really is not serving me well) is a step in the right direction. I am sure there will be riders less prepared then I am on not as nice mounts.

Lastly, all the money that I am worried about not having, I have no unpaid yarn bills this month. So all the yarn that I sell is money I do not have to pay back because I have already paid for it. So that gives me some freedom to dye some of the yarn and sell it at the London show where they will pay more for yarn because the dollar is so weak. So the panic attacks about the bills needs to stop as well or at least lessen. I have an idea of where I am going, and I have been wanting to dye yarn forever, and I haven't really been dyeing any and I love to do it. I got a bunch of new dyes in, in some great colors and I can't wait to try them.

Now that I have said all of my affirming -no -worrying things I am going to get out of bed. I like this style or writing the affirming things instead of the worries. I wonder if it really will change the tone for the day. Well its a good experiement. The other day when I was down I was perusing some blog and many of them were worried and sad and I wondered if it was just the time, because everyone seems to be worried about the country, but I then I decided that the world just goes on and some where in the world people are happy and enjoying there life and think that everythign is going to great and I want to be in that contingency. How is that for upbeat?

Up Again

And he is totally out. Which is how he should be considering he HAS to be up at 5:15 am and out the door. I have gotten used to the sleeping until 8 am schedule. I just have a hard time at the other end. The going to sleep part. I have always had trouble falling asleep and some nights being next to him an just cuddling is enough. Not tonight. I disentangled myself because I DO want to make sure he gets a good nights rest. So he can be up and perky in the morning. Well perky isn't quite the word.

I think I made a new friend. I know I wish I was going to be traveling less. I think I made a friend who might want to work out in the morning with me. I could really use that right now. I feel like things might be start to come back on track for me. I hope so. Part of me is afraid to stride forward into that next chunk of being adult. I guess it is either stride or be pushed because sooner or later I am going to have to take that next step and nothing is going to stop it.

The marriage pushing has been insane lately. Our chiropractor razzed us out for like 10 minutes trying to convince me. I thought that was pretty rude and forward of her. She doesn't know us or our struggles. I think her point was that she doesn't have to. However just because you have known someone for a long time doesn't mean you should get married.

It makes me wonder about this thing of you shouldn't live with someone before you are married. It is not that I think I am living in sin more what am I gaining and losing by holding out. I have my reasons and they are mine and I wish people could respect that that. Part of me wonders if I am foolish for holding out. I don't I have to do what it right for me. Right now that is not being chased by marriage pushers.

Our life together has the potential to really change after he gets out and goes to college and we move around. I really want him to have whatever freedom he need to move forward with his life. Once we are not just waiting for the army to end and we have more freedom are we going to want different things? I just want to accommodate for that. I want to give us room or leave space to change and grow without feeling trapped and maybe it would be a non issue even if we were married. Why take that risk?

Anyways, I am done explaining myself. It's none of their business. Still I wonder if that is a healthy attitude or if that points to some unreadiness or inflexibility on my part. Even if it does, isn't that just another indicator to take some time on this?

Sleepless in Seattle

Ha ha bad joke. I have returned from all my trips and my yarn business is going well. Not great, but well. I have like 15 little post it notes in front of me and Adam has already left for work. It's about 5:45. Last night neither of us slept terribly well. The night before we slept like a rock. We have been doing this alternating thing where one night we sleep well and the next we don't I have not figured out why that is.

I am trying to learn to enjoy the moment more. Yesterday night I was frustrated about a couple things around the house and how it never seems to stay the way I set it and also about my schedule how I never seem to be able to keep one. Adam looked at me and said,"This just perfect you know? These are the good times." I looked at him and realized he was perfectly happy and content and we had spent a relaxed day hanging out watching movies and nothing really to answer to for another day or so. He was just loving the hell out of our down down day. I was really sad because he was just enjoying spending time with me, and here I was being fractious over work I wasn't willing to do at that moment. I have always been that way. Sometimes I feel like everyday with him is a vacation or a day off and I don't hold myself to my responsibilities like I imagine I will. I have never held myself to all my responsibilities, ever. Period. So now I am just making new excuses.

I am hoping that soon I will find some more inner peace and realize that it doesn't come from having your life exactly the way I "want" it to be. I have the ridiculous standards of excellence set before me. I need to realize that and just chill a little. I also realized that part of my problem is that I was unhappy about my horses boarding situation, the horses are just so far away that I not riding hardly at all and I feel so guilty and I don't like the lady that they are with so much because she is really stupid and it drive me up the wall to have her around my horses and telling me what they need at the time. ARG! So until our lease runs out and we can find a place that will house my business a bit better, and I think we found a place that will also house my horses a bit better as well. Maybe that will make me feel better. Maybe it won't. I do have this tendency to keep changing my environment and hoping that solve whatever discontent that I am feeling, but so far it hasn't really done that much to alleviate my worries, whatever they are.

So I think I need to look at what I am doing and think about it. I have to stop working my ass of for little or no return. We did well at the show, but the cost of going is so outrageous. I mean made money, but not the way I would like to and I had a lot of help from my Mom which is less then ideal. I went to the show to get customers. I spent 2 whole days writing an email newsletter. Soem people have read it, but no new orders. I thought my DVD would sell really well. I have sold less then a 3rd that I had made. All of this is sort of dissapointing. But if you talk to other people they say that is very good for a business that started in May with as little capitol as you had in a down economy blah blah blah. I need something that can consistently pay the bills and what I hear from one parent is you just need to stick it out and grow you r business a bit and what I hear from the other parent is your profit margins are too low you won't make money. No one really seems to know. I have hired a bookkeeper to help me go over everything with a fine fine tooth comb. I bet she /he will know.

In some ways the yarn business is who I am and in other ways it is not, but I keep coming back to this "who I am" and it bothers the crap out of me because I DON'T HAVE TO BE ANYONE if I don't want to so why do I let myself get hung up in this container of a definition that is not serving me very well.

I am not sure. I have to think this over some more. Or better yet, not think about it at all. That seems like a way better solution :D. Anyways maybe this will make more sense if I go back to bed and start over.

Late Long and Frustrating

Oh the joy of customers. You can't let them get to you. Sigh.

I am dying yarn like a crazy person getting ready for this trade show.

I am not really sure what else to say. I am working really hard right now. Meh, we all are right.

Being with my Mom makes me a little crazy anyways. I don't want to be too much like her, because I don't always approve of how she treats people. I am like her because I am related to her and she helped raise me. Sometimes it is hard to be me when she is around. I have to work extra hard to be nice to people. I question myself more. Putting things in perspective is harder. Being me is harder.

It doesn't help that I am already trying to figure out who I am. I have been poking through the book A New Earth. I think some of his points are good but I find his book to be hypocritical. I think he is right though in about who are you if lost everything family, stuff, job, country. Who would you be? I think that is a good point.

People being upset at em still bothers me. People's criticism still bothers me. I know I am going to have to take a lot more. So here is to being strong....

Gulp.

Friendly, but not too friendly

Army culture makes me laugh. Where we live people are nice, not friendly. They will say hi and smile (and be very polite), but never introduce themselves. We take special care never to try and meet people. As Adam says, if you don't know them you don't have to salute. Plus every army person I have ever met frowns upon fraternizing outside you rank, yadda yadda yadda.Whatever.

Consequently, the wives, girlfriends aren't wanting to be friendly and make friends or introduce themselves. But there is one lady who is nice, and I took them some muffins. She is always nice. The husband came down to introduce himself, and I was so worried about meeting them I was kind of short with them. Adam doesn't want to make friends, but I do. I was so excited because he didn't have a short haircut! They aren't military. That means maybe I could be allowed to be friends. If you read that sentence, don't fall off your chair laughing or think that is a bizarre statement then you have lived army too long.

So anyways, I gained a bunch of weight and I haven't been wanting to leave the house and be in public, cuz I don't fit my clothes and nothing really looks flattering on me right now. But I have to go to the show. Adam said to me last night,"You can't just complain that you are fat. You have to go work out and not cheat on your diet.I can't make you not cheat and I can't make you go. It's personal decision. If you want to go you will go." He is right. So yesterday I went and bought about 4 pairs of uber cheap walmart workout clothes, and today I went to work out. I have eaten only good stuff today. Maybe it will last, but I am not going to stress about it, because if I do I will stress eat!

I talked with my check in person, and she noticed how I am not concretizing what I need and not making sure I get it and its bringing me down. It's not just enough to love Adam and I agree. So thats why I made sure I worked out today. It's so simple. Literally the workout place is 100 yards from my door, and open from 7 am to 10 pm. I work out for just 20 minutes and I come home. There is usually hardly anyone ever there. Anyways. It's a process. I feel a lot more at peace with myself today now that I went to work out. :: shrug::

Quiet Hours

I am up early for me. Adam left for work about and hour ago, but I didn't feel like sleeping. I sure I will here in a little bit. Yesterday was a busy day. My sisters and I rode and worked. It was so hot we came back and Adam was home! So we jumped in the pool where the kids (Adam and the girls) played Monkey in the middle with a wiffle ball.

We went shopping for groceries and while I was in the store, a bouquet f tulips magically appeared on my seat. They are gorgeous (purple).

Last night it was so hot we had a hard time sleeping, I never thought I would say that about Washington.

So yeah puddling along checking email for orders and enjoying a little downtime. Myabe I will try and sleep just a little more before I have to face the music as they say.

AS side note: Here is a link to a lady reviewing some of my yarn.

People are always asking me what I am doing now a days so here is it, this is what I am doing. Its crazy.

I am not making sense anymore. Maybe its naptime.

I know...

It's been over a week. I used to blog everyday! Sheez What has gotten into me?!?!

Adam had his first "real" day back at work. This means everyone came home off of leave. The day before he went back we went to get his traditional hair cut and all the shops were totally packed! I asked him what he wanted to do and we had kind of joked around with the idea of me cutting his hair and he said,"You can do it later we will get some trimmers." I said,"Ok!" So we went to Seattle and did some stuff. When we came back we went and grabbed trimmers. It took me a while and I think got it a little too short in some areas, but when I was done it looked pretty good. We were worried, but when he got to work the next morning his battle buddy said it looked good. SO I was thrilled. I don't think I will do it every week, but every other week wouldn't be so bad. Just follow the hair cut of the barber.

Two of my sisters are visiting form out of town, one is a half sister from my mom and the other is a half sister from my dad, so they don't know each other very well. Its kind of cool. They are both here for a week. It just sort of worked out that way.

Going back to work hasn't been terribly fun for Adam. He rushes home when it is time to come home and changes out of the outfit immediately. I hope it picks up for him and they do more "fun stuff" as Adam likes to call it. We went out to dinner with his battle buddy and it was pretty obvious that Adam and he are in a totally different space. Adam is sitting there with me and my sister sort of family man-ish and BB is text buddies to see who wants to go out drinking. I think many of the guys feel like they need to catch up on home stuff now that they are back, Fortunately for me all Adam really feels like he needs to catch up on is movie seeing. Some guys are drinking an awful lot, not BB per se I don't know. I don't think hanging out with us is high on his list of fun things to do you know? Lol Anyways

This is going to be long because I haven't blogged in forever. Adam txted to say he has a long day today, which is good for me in the sense that I hate to work when he is around. So I tend not to. Not good.

The relationship has definitely changed then when he first got home. It has become more solid, but I think we are still feeling out each other boundaries. The problem is the boundaries are about really what have time to do and that is going to change 100 fold again once he has a more set schedule and 100 times again if he has to leave for Yakima. I mean I guess I am happy its not same ole same ole, I mean the same is boring right? I hate boring. I keep having this fantasy that we are going to settle into a routine and that hasn't happened yet. I mean the only routine we really have is that Adam is going to play video games sometime before bed and we go to bed in time for him to get up to go to work. He goes to work and gives me kisses before he goes and then goes. I go back to sleep and make myself get up at 9 am. Voila our schedule. I guess it is not a bad schedule as far as they go. Anyways. Always more to write, never enough time. Until next time.

I am having this horse dilemma, and maybe I am going to be able to go fix it.

Don't Worry! Be Happy!

Aww all my readers are so kind!

Adam and I are at my house in Wyoming and getting to spend some wonderful downtime together. This evening we used the tractor to drag the arena and it was wonderful. Calm, just me and Adam on the tractor, since no one else could fit on the tractor it was just the two of us, driving in circles. I know it sounds boring, but it was nice. Just a couple more days and then it is back to the grind stone.

We are enjoying our time here and seeing where the road takes us. We went to look at some colleges and have found a lot of places we would like to spend time and people who are fun to hang out with.

I think that we have a pretty blank slate to go anywhere and start anew. It is a weird feeling. We are pretty unrooted and have nothing to hold us down. Neither of us live close to family, or have a place we really call home, other than our boarding school.

It's a whole new world for us.

:)

So sick

I am so sick of lying to people. It is just not worth to hear whatever they have to say to me about what they think about it. So I don't tell them. I have whole list of people that I am regularly lying to. That's bad huh? It is mainly because I have a thing I am doing and I have thought about it and made up my mind. and there is F*** all anyone can say to change it. As frank as that is. Though keeping my stories straight is a work of art.

The only person I haven't really been lying to is Adam. This is mainly because he is with me every second of the day watching and consequently laying his head on my shoulder as I write this.

Really it is not exactly that I am always lying it is just sometimes I need to present a person that people can understand, interact with and get along with. Just because I don't exactly agree with their modus operendai doesn't mean I don't have to stop interacting with them entirely, just modify slightly their perception of me.

Anyways. Exhausted. Going to bed. Wish I could blog more, but I don't need to dig myself into a hole anyways. Very headstrong I am. Faith in the world that it will work itself out pervades me.

Best Friendness and stress....

So we are vacationing and we are visiting my best friend Issa in San Fransico. I typically don't like California, it is just not my style. However both of us are loving it here. We love the convienence of the city, and being around good friends is wonderful.

I have been reading posts as well. I read SidLovely's post and I have to say I agree with her about just being away from the writing. My heart goes out her about the hard times where you feel helpless. I am doing a lot of self-searching. Being here lets me see what living techniques my friends have to make their lives run smoother. For me I see living as a collaborative effort, it is comforting to know some of my friends are in the same sort of space I am in. Especially with losing the time to do anything you want without thinking about the effect that it has on the other person. It is funny Issa and I discussed last night that some of the issues that we were having were classic, typical problems that many couples complain about. Seems somethings don't seem to change.


Adjusting is coming back from Iraq is interesting and I want to keep you updated on the adjustments we are making, but unfortunately, most of it is just so gosh durn personal I don't really think it would be fair for me to guinea pig Adam like that. I will say that loud noises just don't sit well with him. Not that they really did before anyways.

I would say my adjustments are easier to talk about, mostly it is strange not gluing myself to my computer screen. I feel like I want reply and give heartfelt meaningful input, but literally as I write this Adam is doing his best to distract me.... So I regret that fact that I haven't had the time to really in-depth response. Part of me wonders if people want other people imposing their will (read: opinion on their blog spaces). I mean people didn't really ask for my opinion or advice. I mean want people to comment and leave opinions, but just because I do, doesn't other people want me to...

I didn't comment about the stress, but I really don't have time because I don't think Adam is going to stop trying to distract me....

Meaning

I have been meaning to write but lately I have been just falling into bed at night. Once Adam gets home from work we fill our days with stuff right up until bed time. Not always important stuff (like America's Best Dance Crew is on tonight), but still.

It is a lot of work to live with someone when you are used to living alone. We are working on cooking together and fortunately, we have a grill and that has made cooking and cleaning a lot easier. I think what I miss the most is "down time". When I was alone I could take a minute almost whenever I wanted to, sit and zone out, or watch tv and zone out. Now I am constantly aware of where Adam is and what he is doing ALL THE TIME. When he is at work I try to do that stuff that he doesn't like or I have to be alone to do. When he is around we try to get errands done or do fun stuff. Even if I sit to zone out or watch TV I feel this pull of the fact that he is around and I could be with him. I am wondering if this will wear off.

Right now we do things together even when we could do them apart because I think the deployment-ness has not worn off yet. If I can be with him I feel like I should and if I am not I want to be, so it is really weird. I am still working with it.

One of the things that has become my new compulsion is going with him to work and doing work at the library or in the car while he is in formation or like today he is moving stuff for two hours. For some reason I am like 100 times more productive if I am away from my house. It's insane.

Speaking of the other type of meaning full stuff that is happening, yesterday we decided to go to breakfast at Denny's and Adam was on stdby so he was in outfit. So once we were done eating we were told by the waitress that table next to us had paid for our breakfast. We both were dumbfounded. I mean Adam tells me about this stuff happening, but until it happens to you it is a little shocking. That was nice of them. When it happens you are grateful, but in an awkward, self concious way. By the time the waitress has told us they had left. So we had no one to be self concious to, but us.

I will say, it does "warm your heart" so to speak and make you want to be nice to other people and in that way I hope I can do something nice for someone, and hope they feel as appreciated as we did.

Adventure...

So today we went on aforementioned adventure. It was promising to be pretty tame until Butthead decided to make it less tame. Our instructor was cool, it was pretty slow going in the beginning because we had to go over several safety briefings, mostly about how NOT to tip over. We had 3 other women, 2 of whom were friends and the other lady was new to the area. Then there was a guy with a strange hard to pronounce name who told us we could call him "Vik".

So off we paddle. We start to paddle past where the ferry boats dock. Well they were trying to dock and we were sort of in the way so we paddled like crazy to get out of the way. Turns out where we were resting was a different ferry boat dock! So we paddled like crazy again their horns blowing at us. We make it to the park and eat lunch. It was yummy and then we hung out and waited for the tides to change a little so it would be an easier ride back. We paddle back past the ferry place, this time the ferries were out doing their ferry thing.

Well I was joking around with Adam saying that he is always a trouble maker and always "rocked the boat" and in symmetry with the joke he starts rocking his kayak back and forth, and one of the other ladies says if he doesn't watch it he will really tip. Just as I nodded in agreement, Adam tipped himself over into the 52 degree waters of the sound. BRR! Well he remember his safety demo and freed himself from his boat and popped up out of the water with the most surprised look on his face. I just cracked up, I started laffing so hard i could barely stay upright in my own boat. He is sputtering and scrambling trying to get back in the boat, I am laffing and laffing ((I laffed so hard the other people on the trip felt sry for the butthead)). SO our instructor paddled over and got Adam back into his kayak and away we went. On this trip we saw dolphins (I think they were porpoises not dolphins) Seals, I saw a start fish, and some of the people on the trip saw a sea otter. We met one person who might could be a friend.

I did something really silly myself. I ferociously guarded Adam and sprayed him with sunblock every chance I got, but for some reason on the way home I only respray ONE of my arms with sun block. So one of my arms got really badly sunburnt... It's stupid I know. We took lots of pictures, once we have them developed mayeb we can scan em and put em up.

More adventures later, I have a lot to write about but I am just so doggone tired at the end of the day. There is this woman who I sold some yarn to who is being a real jerk and I hope she is not spreading "bad pr" and difficult stuff about me in my group on my knitting website. I got so worked up about it when I saw how rude she had been that Adam forbade me to look at it, but tomorrow I have to face the music. I told her something that someone told me, and I had gotten it out of context and I didn't know that. I didn't know i wasn't supposed to tell anyone else. SOo trying to sell this yarn I told her what i had been told. Turns out I wasn't exactly right and this woman is using it against me to say I am a liar and it is jsut turning into this mini night mare. I have been worrying about it all weekend. I am really frustrated, I was depending on the person who told me that the info was good and usable and it wasn't so I am mad about trusting the first person, and telling the second. ARG! Adam keeps telling me it's no big deal but it has been eating at me all weekend. I just cant seem to push it out of my head. :(

Night all --- so very tired

The Prius

So Adam's Mom was nice enough to get Adam a Prius as a homecoming gift. When he went to register it on base they said he needed an emissions test. He tried to explain the them that it was a hybrid and a partial zero emissions vehicle, and that you couldn't test it. They refused and gave him a temp pass. So there are like 5 of these silly testing centers in the whole state of Washington. So we drove around for a while trying to find the place and we passed a car crash on I-5 as we were headed I-5 north. SO we drive around and we find the emissions test place and we wait in line. We get up to the testing place. and they say, "We can't test priuses, they are a partial zero emission vehicle." We were like can we get a piece of paper saying its cool with you so we can register the car on base? They sent us to talk to the lady inside. Well she couldn't find the memos that they usually give out. She said that they had told the army a bunch of times that the Priuses don't need state emissions tests. She gave us her card and told us to have them call the office and they would tell them again.

So we drove all the way out there.... to get a business card. *suppresses profanities here* So on the way back, remember the car accident. Yeah we sat in traffic for 45 minutes to move 3 miles. We decided to get off and go to a movie. We gave up.

On a much brighter note we signed up for a sea kayaking trip on Sunday. We signed up for it at the Northwest Adventure Center (provided by the MWR). We are trying to make more friends so that Jenna doesn't go crazy. I can't seem to get Adam to invite Schultz and his girly over for dinner. It is like polar magnets. Whatever. The price was really reasonable. :)

Have a great Forth!

stupid people at airports and why Jenna very much dislikes them..

(( because I try never to hate people))

Ok I don't know if you have ever heard he is my very favorite comedian, and I am including a youtube snippet of his work. I have all his cds and I even got to see him live at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs.



Needless to say I love the guy's work. He does this spiel about STUPID PEOPLE IN AIRPORTS. He says, I think they should have people walking around with the skinny end of a fishing pole.... the really flexible part. Anytime anyone does something stupid, wham just pop em on the back of the neck. Then you'd be walking don the street and see something with that welt on the back of the neck and say,"hey you did somethign stupid at the airport."

I really like his stuff because he doesn't swear and my little sisters love his work. i cna probably quote all 3 of his CDs. They are up on youtube and honestly are really a treat in the car and guaranteed to put a smile on your face.

I have to say just thinking about it has made feel a little more smiley.Very funny guy. Great for car trips!


Anyways, Adam has an awards ceremony and I am missing it because I am traveling. I am very sad. He promises me there will be more I can come to, so I don't feel totally horrid. On a final not before I board the plane, you can check our my alter ego, where I am post pictures of all the yarn I dyed: indiedyer.blogspot.com

BYE

I really wish I had time to post..

cuz that would signify the end of the craziness and a moment of me time.

Ha ha anyways. I have a plane to catch in 4 hours.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Truthfully?

Someone joked to me today that I might not make it through the vacation without Adam. It kind of feels that way. I know that sounds irrational, but when you have spent so much time apart it is hard to be rational. Don't try to talk "sense" into me, because I honestly don't want any. I love that I am head over heels in love with Adam and I don't want to change that.

As long as I am confessing..... Adam is cute. THAT'S NOT A BAD THING!!! I think I definitely see a side of him that other people don't see. That's ok with me too. I don't really wanna share.....People keep telling me this "honey moon" feeling will fade. I hope it doesn't. I'm so darn tickled with how thoughtful he is and how well he puts up with the craziness.

Caitlin and I were discussing the Army friends weirdness about the army "buddies." Like some of Adam's "army buddies" I keep trying to invite them over and Adam makes excuses. Then I leave and he hangs out with them. I am not bothered by this, but it just strikes me as funny. Maybe it is not just an army thing, maybe it is just a guy thing too. Adam is funny.

Yes I am going to survive with out him, but only for 6 days. :D

Things are going well for me. I think that my dye stuff will be going pretty well soon.
I'll give you a sneak peak: http://indiedyer.com

Leavin' on a jet plane....

but have to leave butthead behind! :: Cue crying::

I am slated to go somewhere's "on business" and it happens to be my mother's house in VERMONT, but I am going without Adam which always causes tears, and the snotting of Adam's shirts. He doesn't seem to mind. He is a great sport. So in my guilty state of leaving him behind I am really giving the housey-house a good clean and running a bunch of errands that we have been meaning to run. Can we say guilty conscience? How guilty do you have to feel to clean? In my case pretty dang guilty. It's only for 6 days, and then I will be back with him again, but still.

But hopefully this trip will prove to be financially rewarding and I am hoping that it is a stepping stone on the path to financially more stable so... in the interest of our long term future; I am going. Yes siree bob, it is time for me to take on for the team.

Anyways, I am off to catch a plane among other things.

A SHOUTOUT to a friend of mine who is an amazing artist, go check out his stuff: http://mikeatron.com or his store where he sells prints and stuff: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=51436

WARNING: Blissful Jenna on the Prowl

All I have to say is: THE WAIT IS WORTH IT. OMG it is so nice to have him home. I am floating on cloud nine.

I had a panic day where I was worried about whether I had made the right choice and what if I had prince charming-ized Adam and what was I doing here away from everything I had known and then I was reading this uber conservative Christian book about relationships and I freaked out.. So i went cry to Adam and he held me and said everything thing was going to be fine and this was normal and i would get used to it an I would develop a schedule. You know all the stuff I need to hear on a regular basis.

And he was right. The things I was worried about, panned out, and things make sense again. It's not perfect, I am learning. I am learning I have to start cooking dinner before we get hungry or we will eat out or snack before I get it done. I am learning that both of us have A LOT of shoes. I am learning to take my vitamins (::glares as Adam hands her her vitamins and drink::) and to enjoy someone caring about me enough to make me take them. I am learning he is a lot more efficient at building the furniture that comes out of a box if I DON'T try and help.

I think the transition of I don't need his help to do this stuff, to I can let him help me do stuff was kind of a hurdle. No I don't need him to make me breakfast, but he will sometimes. It's wonderful.

Saturday we went hiking with some friends of mine and although I am not a great hiker it was so great to see friends and hang out. I really enjoyed the hell out of it. Which informs me that I should try and make some more friends while I am here. I am not really sure how I am going to pull it off. I am sure I will.

I bought a book on hikes and "walks" in my area there is a lot of stuff around here to walk around :). So if anyone is in the area and wants to go on "walks". Maybe we could meet in some very public place and go on a walk.

I am heading to Vermont to do some business with / for my mother for a week. I hope Adam is going to be ok here in the house by himself.... with out me cooking vegetables for him..... :)

Hiding Out

I haven't really been hiding out. I have just been weirdly busy, I have things that I have to do, but no one to force a schedule on me so I feel very lost. When Adam comes home there are errands to run immediately and I know he dislikes that. Fortunately he gets a 4 day this weekend. We could could us the lax time.

As far as living together, we are having fun to say the least. However in terms of having the right stuff at the right time and being in the right place I am missing my mark a little. Dinner is usually late, and i still working on things that Adam will eat. Usually if I cook a mistake I eat it anyways because I am too lazy to cook more. I didn't realize how sort of off putting some of my mistakes are.

I love shopping at the commissary. Adam hates it. I can't go with out him. That's too bad.

I can't tell if I am slacking and need to get my butt in gear, or if I am just transitioning and this much wobbling is just normal.

Anyways. I know it has been quiet on my end, but it is hard to tell what I shoudl and can post about now. Definitely Wobbly.

Settling in..

I thought about calling this post day 2, but then I will start counting since he was deployed and that seems like a silly way to measure our lives. I am loving living with Adam. Yesterday my stepmother (my smother) came over with my little sisters and all of us cooked dinner (Taco Salad). I had a some margaritas, I bought that Jose Cuervo Gold premade, with the Grand Marnier; I was pretty dang impressed. Then I made brownies for dessert. We all sat out on my tiny patio with all my bajillion candles lit, and it was pretty fun.

I love having my family here, but they are leaving today. It's time for me to get on with my day a little more. I am still wanting a nap after Adam leaves for work. I am hoping that I will get used to his schedule a bit more. Today he is off to see the dentist.

It's pretty funny. I know next to nothing about the army, so poor Adam, I am CONSTANTLY asking questions about what he supposed to do and how X works and yadda yadda. There is a lot of stuff to understand that for sure.

Anyways, he woke up this morning and said,"YEAY! We survived day one!" He is so funny. Having him go to work is hard I start to get antsy and worry when he is gone for to long now. Hopefully he won't be called away really soon because that would be hard. I am getting used to it. Maintaining a house is a lot of work.Well small nap then some dishes.

The first day of the rest of our lives...

BTW the last post about him being home, was my 150th. Dang I am prolific.

So he is home. NOW WHAT..... Lol its not quite that bad, but I definitely do have that sensation. Time didn't stop. We are continuing on with our lives.

It's weird because, it seems like we just picked up where we left off. Like he was here last week too. It is like the whole deployment was a bad dream. :: looks around suspiciously::

Anyways, this morning we got up ungodly early, took showers and I made him breakfast. He got got dressed in his "outfit", (that what I have taken to calling it) and we sat around eating breakfast very quietly...... I smiled and looked at him, "It seems really ...domestic... and normal.... and almost dooming, It seems like the first day of the rest of our lives....." He said,"I was thinking the same thing." We laughed. I said,"Haven't you always wanted a maid and a chef?" He said,"Not particularly, but now that I have one... it's not too shabby..." ;)

After he left I was still pretty tired, I need more sleep then he seems to, so I took a short nap.

So today's theme is definitely, NOW WHAT? The big excitement /hulabaloo is over and he is home and we have had a day hanging out having fun. Now I have to decide what to tackle next. I have plenty of things to do that I have been pushing away and avoiding and now I must face them and get on with my life. With Adam. It is still hard to wrap my head around.

He's Home

After 4 freaking hours plus of spastic behavior on my part, he is here.

:)

Update

I found him. They called and told me where he was.....

You will know when he is home, because, it will be really quiet on my end.....


:)

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE PLEASE

Ok so where did he go? He got online yesterday and said, I am in the big K and I don't know when I am getting on my flight... ok, not comforting. So am looking at the frg site, frg site says,"Here are the x number of flights, manifests will be posted when they board." yadda yadda. So in my head, for them to arrive on this date at this time they would have to leave so many hours before, thus due to my ingenious and uninformed calculations, I should check manifests! Yay. They just went up, yeay!

10 minutes later..... He is not on ANY of these list for manifests. Neither him nor his battle buddy. So I check them again. Nope. Check my email. Nope. No voicemails either. Hmm weeeellllll.... where could he have gone? I get a grip and pace some more. We get to play our FAVORITE ARMY GAME: Based on the clues and some logic (not totally logical, because if this system were totally logical there would be less guessing), we get to try and put together a scenario of what could have happened that doesn't make us want to curl up into a little ball and cry.

SCENARIO 1: Maybe he didn't make a plane. Good News about this: He will prolly call or im so I KNOW.

SCENARIO 2: He has made the plane, but is not on the manifest.... Seems unlikely. Clues that support this theory: At the end of the manifest list there are some highlighted spots, Does that mean that there were more seat on the plane and something happen that they didn't get the name? Good News about this: He would be on a plane out of there and coming home.

SCENARIO 3: There are planes that are coming back that are not listed. Clues that support this: Currently I am voting for this theory because I thought it would take more than that to bring back his group or club or whatever they are called. His HERD of soldiers. There is a group unit I can relate too. Good News about this: He would be on a plane back and coming home.

So I am hoping I have heard where the heck he is by the time I am supposed to meet him where I am supposed to meet him. Knowing me I don't know if I could NOT go to the homecoming he MIHGT be at, then he probably won't be there and I will be very upset.

I am not allowing myself to think about ANY OTHER SCENARIOS. Though I am aware others might exist.

That concludes this session of MY FAVORITE ARMY GAME.

Maybe is he hanging out with Alice and the Queen of Hearts..... ;)

Owie and the big K

Someone asked me today if I was excited. I am. Sort of. I was super insane over the top excited about 30 -35 days ago. Now I am just here and happy to be here but in a little bit of shock. Adam called today from the big K and I was happy to hear that he was safe, but at the same time, there was nothing he could really talk about and he had nothing to do. I talked at him for a little while and while I was chatting with him I bent down to look at some silverware and some how popped my knee out. I tried to pop it back in by straightening it and it really hurt for a second and then it seemed better. I am not sure what I did, but man it hurts like hell! Now it is sore and hurts to bend. If i stand on it straight it is fine, but if I move and bend (like to sit down or to get up or to get out of the car) OWIE! :( Not good.

I wish I could tell you about the count down, but I can't and that makes sense. So yeah. Pam leaves tomorrow, and my stepmom is coming to visit with my other sister. I very affectionately call my step mother my smother. It will be good to see her.

I bought curtains today. They are gold and I love them and I hope Adam likes them. I kept handing off the phone today after I hobbled myself because it is super awkward to shop and talk on the phone you can't tslk about anything personal. Finally, I kind of told the butt head I had to go, and that was kind of sad for him, but there is nothing else I can do for him here and now.

I am a little worried because I do feel kind of dull to him coming home and I am wondering what is wrong with me??? I think it is because he won't truly be mine until everyone leaves, or I wonder if I am just suppressing all my feelings about everything right now? It is very surprising to me that I am so blank. I feel really lost. Really lost, when I am awake I want to be sleeping and when I am sleeping I constantly wake up. I don't know what the problem is. I think it is that everyone is coming and going and I am thankful for all the support I just need some quiet time with my thoughts. I think I am just going to get my stepmom a hotel room, then I will be alone in my apartment but not too alone. It is so weird that I am on overload because I was living by myself with no friends for so long. Anyways, we will see how I feel in the next couple of days. So weird. Night.

I wanna post....

... but I am too damn tired. Sry Guys- I have to take some time and sleep. I don't have anything scheduled for tomorrow. POD is unloaded, horses are set. Most of the stuff is in the house, even though it's messy. I tripped over something going to bed. The swearing is out of control. But we are here. Alive and well. My sister (15 years old) and Adam's Mom are both here helping me and we got a lot done, everything went way smoother than I could have imagined and the realization that Adam is going to be moving in with me is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I am going to bed and I will think about it in the morning as I am going to be kind to myself for once and GO TO BED AT A REASONABLE HOUR. Maybe I will get a call from Kuwait sometime soon. One can only hope. It's like the lull before the storm eh? On top of that, TGIF so I don't even have the option of calling people back as it is not a business day. THANK GOD!

Hmnt.
NIGHT

Missoula, MT

I am here. Barely. Very frustrating day. I didn't know/ remember that you need to buy special CERTIFIED WEED FREE HAY to drive through Yellowstone. SO I had to go around. It took 2 extra hours. Then I couldn't stop sneezing or my eyes watering. Then we got here and got lost! The pens for the horses are so-so.

BUT we are here! There is a best western, starbucks and cracker barrel. Rae and I am having fun! One more day until we are in Washington and gong to finish moving. I am just plowing through. I am just not letting anything me. I guess that is all I can do.

I have to get some sleep.

I made it to Wyoming.

And I am leaving for Washington Wednesday. I am borrowing my little sister, Rae to travel with me.

The last couple of days, on my way here, the clutch went out of my truck, SO I thought I was going to have to fly to Wyoming and borrow my Dad's truck. Fortunately I found someone to replace my clutch in ONE day. They were very nice.

I manage to make the long 2 days to Wyoming. I stopped in Colorado Springs, and saw some old friends and that provided some much needed relief and stress break.

So I got in and I started cleaning packing doing my to do list. Then my stepmom showed up and was like, "You should come drink margaritas and stay at my house, I have "your" bed all made up." I thought to my self stay at my house, make my own bed, OR have margaritas and not have to deal with anything..... TOUGH CHOICE.

So I am hiding out and shirking from some of my responsibilities. I got a bunch of stuff done, but i have a bunch more to do. I am going to make a list of what seems feasible. I just want to go now to Washington and not deal with any of the stuff here. I does feel good though in some ways to move out of my old "childhood" room so my sister Sarah can have it. It feels like I am really growing up, and consolidating and throwing out a lot of stuff I really don't need. So it is good. All my responsibilities to the horses here at the ranch are just going to have to wait until I really have a good amount of time to dedicate to them. Hopefully I will find some time in July. I don't have anything so pressing it cannot wait another 2 months. That is what I have to keep telling myself. It is hard though to see all the work that needs to be done and not freak out. Sigh. Soon is getting sooner. :) I am very excited. I should be in Washington by Thursday evening. Then all I have to do is unload my stuff and wait for Adam to come home. Spend time with Adam's Mom Pam and my family (if they have time to come).

Adam here I come!

If I was Smart

I have been day dreaming about finding the time to write in my blog for the last 3 days. I haven't found any practical time to write. Every night in Washington I was tired and worked until I wanted to sleep or later.

I am back in Texas now and feeling pretty lonely after all the bustle with Pam and I getting everything ready. It was nice to sleep in a place where I wasn't alone in the house.

So what do you want to hear about first?
How about I tell you about how awesome the prius is and how GLAD I am that Adam's Mom got it for him. It is a god send on gas mileage. I know we spent less then $200 on gas the entire trip. I am dreading the fortune I am going to spend on gas hauling my horse to Washington.

How much I love my new apartment? The incredible trip to Ikea and subsequent furniture building parties? The amount of pie I ate at Shari's (local greasy spoon that specializes in pie)? I think I easily ate a whole pie by the time I was there.

How about I tell you about my first FRG meeting? Let's just say I survived, and "Welcome Home Day" is going to be exciting. There were a lot of babies there. One girl was talking about how she found out she was prego 6 days after he left.... Wow. There were a lot of different types of people there. Base is a little intimidating for me. Ok a lot intimidating for me. I was just never raised around it.

So I got back so late tonight and I am doing my If I was Smart things... You know how you think to yourself, If I was smart, I would put those car keys where I can find them. So I just started doing those things. I looked at my schedule to drive home and then drive out to Washington and I realized there wasn't enough time. So I cut out a trip to New Mexico to look at Betcha, and see if I could pick up Adam's huge black dresser (Sry, Butthead it won't fit comfortably in our room anyways). I had one of the ranch guys help me get some vet work done on one of my horses, so I can leave Tuesday instead of Wednesday. I cam home tonight and knew I wouldn't be able to sleep for a bit so I vacuumed, swept /mopped, and packed some more stuff. I think I just ran through my very last load of laundry. Now I have a headache because I am very very tired.

I thought to myself: If I were smart I would plug in my phone so I won't have to argue with it tomorrow when I start to run out of battery. So I plugged in my phone. I changed my trip around so when I stop the first night I will be staying with friends, and my horse will be staying with friends. That way I can catch some down time.

Here is the plan for me, and I have to write it out because I am neurotic and I think once I write it down, it will be more obvious if I am still trying to do too much stuff.
Tomorrow (later today): Get one last ride in with Leon, hook up my horse trailer, bring it to my house. Go to the chiropractor, post office( mail last bit of stuff to friends and get a change of address), get an oil change. Go to the vet, pick up the paperwork for traveling, and go buy some last minute things at Teskeys. Finish packing up my stuff, do the last minute vacuuming and mopping. LEAVE KEYS. Call Electricity, Water and Internet and Cancel. Get paper work for my horse out of Leon's office, and leave paperwork on my show horse for Leon.

Friday: Get up at like 4 am, load my mattress into the horse trailer, drive to the ranch, load up my horse, TAKE SOME HAY AND SHAVINGS. Start driving to Colorado Springs, should be a 12 hour or so drive. Drop off horse, stay at friends.

Saturday, get up and leisurely drive to Wyoming (7 hours)

Sunday and Monday: Pack up my old room in Wyoming ( my little sister is getting it), and get all of Adam's stuff, and my stuff from the ranch that we need (like his passport and my camping gear). Do things that I am committed to do, like finish some paper work on some babies, and look at my apartment over the barn and see if they need me to do anything on that. I need to ride a horse for my Dad and gather some horses to take to Washington. I also need to check on which horses have shoes, and make sure any horses not being ridden have the shoes pulled. I am borrowing my Dad's truck. I need to get health papers for 2 horses. I need to call Missoula, MT fairgrounds, and find out if I can keep some horses overnight there.

Tuesday Morning:
Load up my 3 horses. Make sure all my stuff is loaded, head for Missoula. 12 hour drive.

Wednesday:
Load up and drive to Roy, WA and drop off my ponies and unhook my trailer.

Thursday: Hmm I think I will take delivery of the pod, and I will pickup Adam's Mom from the airport. She offered to help me unload, very kind of her.

Friday: Unload the pod, have it picked up.

Saturday: Get the house ready.

Then I wait. Until he comes home. I am so worn out just thinking about it all. It does seem like a lot. But I knew these days would be the hardest. Especially right now because I have so much to do between now and then.

PS I got a pic of the master bedroom, I don't want to put too much up in case Adam sees it. So I will put it up in a little while.

W.O.R.N O.U.T.

We in the last instance is Adam's mother Pam, who has been my traveling buddy for the last little while.

We went to IKEA today for 6 hours. Poor Adam, poor Adam's prius. The first tiem we went through and got some bearings. Then we bought small stuff and measured the car to see if the bed frame would fit in it. Then we bought some large stuff. We went back and CRAMMED that car full. Then I wanted to get some chairs, for the balcony. Pam didn't think the boxes would fit. We went back a THIRD time and I MADE them fit. I don't knwo how we did it. We got a table a queen bed frame and slats, a desk, a bookcase, several pillows, 2 comforters, and some odds and ends to fit in that car. Pam had to sit very scrunched behind me. We lugged it all up into the house, and then we started to assemble. Finally, when we were so hungry we just couldn't build another piece of furniture we went in search of food. We found a chinese buffet, and I tried some suspicious sushi which would later cause me to christen my new bathroom as it refused to stay down. :( Not so good. I feel much better now.

Honestly though, I just don't have the time or energy to deal with my outside life. I cannot think about it and I don't want to check my email.

Anyways, so if I am ignoring you guys don't take it personally. I am just out there.

It is soon guys.... :) I have to go back to Texas on Wednesday, and gather up my horses, then go back to Wyoming and get the rest of my stuff. Then come here to stay. It is a lot to do.

Nighto. I am sleeping in my new ikea stuff... very cool.

WE MADE IT!

and didn't fall asleep once! Lol we didn't temp fate either. but we made it in 2 days.

The apartment is great, commercial and not as cute as Caitlin's, but we have a pool. :) It's cooler here in Washington and it feels really really nice. Last night we went to Shari's which is like a Denny's around here and we bought a bunch of pie.

Anyways, we are headed to IKEA. Wish me luck!

hmmm

I made it. I am tired. Disillusioned, and lost BUT: I got ride in Adam's new car and GO THROUGH ALL HIS STUFF!

It was great! I found some things of mine that some how never made it back into my possession after our break up at boarding school..... ADAM! YOU STOLE MY GREEN HALTER! YOU JERK! Hmnt you have some explaining to do..... I am sure you were saving it for me. I decided that your bull riding accoutrement could stay here in NM.

So everything is set to be repacked in the car tomorrow and away we will go. Adam has a lot of "weird" army stuff. Operating manuals, a helmet, hats. I saved all his chicken books, they are coming with me to Washington.

Anyways its really late. Hopefully I will sleep.

NIGHT ALL

one of these days...

I will catch up! HA HA HA, funny joke huh?

So that day is not today and I just wanted to shoot you faithful readers a quick "I am alive and okay" because I can be really foul and mean-tempered when I am tired and frustrated. I had to explain to my Dad the moving snafus (hey isn't that an army term.... wink wink) and he was less then thrilled. He says that I have a lack of communication skills in this one area. For me thats a grey area, because apparently telling or asking someone something once is not enough. I will admit I do let my self jump to conclusions, and feel like something has been decided when other people don't feel that way, and that maybe what happened a little with the pods people, but I still blame them. They should have made made it more obvious how much I needed to contact them AND how to contact them and that's all I am going to say. Anyways suffice to say he wasn't thrilled.

I was overly nice to someone and it cost me a night sleep last night as their dog whined all night from 2 am on when they left for work and left the puppy in the bathroom. UGH not fun. That was my stupid, but I was too nice to really remedy it. So no more being nice. Oh well.
This made me so tired that I lost it at work today and started crying about something stupid and looked like an idiot in front of everyone. Fortunately Leon is the nicest person in the world and told me it was ok. So yeah, Leon told me that he is behind Adam and I 100%, but that if I ever needed to come back, I would have a place. I am not really sure what that means though, cuz they don't pay me right now so. Ugh anyways, I am not going to think about it because I can't.

This is one of the longest stretches I have ever gone without talking to my beloved butthead. I hope to hear from him soon.

Sry about the non cohesiveness ;) I am headed out to help drive his Prius to Washington tomorrow. I am very excited, I have to say that at this very moment, the Adam return dance BEGINS because that is pretty much all I am going to be focused on from now until he is here in my arms.... He is a lot of freaking work! It is a very good thing I love him ya know? ;)

NIGHT

Not thinking.

I was going to go to bed early tonight. Really. I was going to take T's advice. No. It's 11 pm and I am AWAKE, blogging.

I am not thinking. I don't want to think about leaving or missing people, or change or WHAT'S NEXT. I don't want to think about Adam coming home or how much I miss him or how close it really is.

Well when you don't think, that carries over into normal life too. I locked myself out of my car. AGAIN (and for $100 in Dallas, I got someone to unlock it). I know why I do it and I could explain why I do it all the time, but the truth is I just need to tape a key somewhere my car. No matter how careful I am I don't think I am going to be able to stop myself from doing. It's a long story.

I went to go see a movie. I didn't take into account how long the movie was and how late I would get back. Watching a movie alone again was sad and I missed Adam and cried. It is such a bummer that it is hard for me to watch movies that will make me miss him and cry. It makes everythign more complicated.

I left my phone at my house. Opps.

The trash people took my trash can 2 weeks early even though I paid for the whole month. What assholes. Why did they do that?

Anyways, I am done thinking for tonight. On the bright side I rode really well.
:)

On a side note: I would like to comment that I am pissed that people aren't holding their end of the agreement up and that someone else I am counting on is acting like a total jerk thus complicating my life. The apartment people told me last month NO PROBLEM letting us in on Memorial Day. The office will be open then they said. Those liars. They will not be freaking open, apparently. I am so sick of the runaround bullshit. I want it done and I want is done now. I can tell I am tired irritable.
It makes me want to choke the next irritating person.


Oh well

PODS

Well

It was a roundabout day, and I very frustrated that the pods people are definitely not true to their advertising. They have screwed up my whole schedule and I have had to ask some family to step in and help where they really shouldn't have to. I a, grateful that they can, but really disappointed because I thought I had done a better job planning. I don't think I would use them again.

Counting down is wonderful. My house is empty except for the stuff that is coming with me to Wyoming. I had a bunch of stuff I was going to write about and now I can't remember any of it. I am sorry.

Oh yeah I remember! When I get out of my routine, everything tends to fall apart. I lose things I can't remember what I am supposed to be doing. It's bad. I am truly a person that relies on a schedule and a series of rituals that keep me going. They are not always the same rituals, but whatever it is that I am doing I have to keep doing. I am a little overwhelmed. Sometimes I wake up and I can't remember what is going on, or worse, I think of all the stuff I have to do and can't go back to sleep! Oh well. This is such a worthless post in the sense that I did have something reasonable to write about and now I can't remember at all what the purpose of the post was. Sigh.

I have been drinking too much diet coke and it makes my fingers tingle. Really irritating. They have been tingling all night. Ugh well, time to lay off the aspartame for e, and see the chiropractor tomorrow.

Night all I am giving in, and not "closing" this post.

PS: To all my blogging buddies: I have been keeping up with your blogs, I just haven't had time to thoughtfully comment. But I will soon!

75%

I am 75% packed, and mostly packed in my pod. I was trying to tell someone who I am today. (I know here we go with the Who I am bs again ;) ) I am so many people to so many people. The internet aids that. When it is time to be someone new I log out with one account and log in with another.

I have my personal account (the one that I write this blog in) and then my professional account (sometimes you will see me comment with that google account and I set that profile to refer to this blog....) and another account that is totally separate that s for a different business venture.

Here I am packing to go, I had a great dinner with one of my co-workers and her mother tonight and I thought to myself as I left the restaurant, am I ready to not be this person any more? The apprentice? Part of me is really ready to not work the insane hours, or deal with the unrealistic expectations. On some level that is what draws you together, going beyond the norm to accomplish something. I mean on some disassociative level is that not what the army is? Soldiers working together to bear the burdens of war, army spouses commiserating together to share the pastimes of deployment. There is something there that brings people together.

I would be lying if I told you I wasn't terrified of losing who I am in the whole wash of all the things I am doing right now. However in the same breath, Adam is more important to me then anything and I can say with conviction that making that a part of my identity is very easy for me. I think what i struggle with more, is how much time to put into hors stuff, and how much time to put into career related work. I have really done a lot of research in both things. Finding the balance is going to be the key.

As my therapist always gently reminds me,"Do you have to know that now?" and the truth is I don't. I really need my sleep now. So I am going to snatch some and try and let the worries hit the back burner and trust myself to do the right thing when the time comes. :) Wish me luck.

PS: T- if other army significant others didn't feel a little jealous about my butthead coming home, while their's is still away, I would think they were crazy. I get jealous of Caitlin who is totally army free ;) (and of course living happily ever after!), but I am counting my blessings for what I have.

He Called

For an hour! It's the first time I have talked to him in forever. My friend and I were eating lunch and so it was sort of awkward. He was his typical playful self and that was the best thing to hear in the entire world. Nothing could better then to him be his "regular self." I am fully aware that there may be days coming when it will seem like he is not the person I know. That is ok.

I think I am the luckiest person to have found him. Today one of my friends from college said to me,"Good he is coming back and hopefully you guys will have sometime to figure out if you still like each other." I don't need to figure it out. I know already. That is a good feeling, and talking to him on the phone like we saw each other yesterday has to be the most comforting thing on the planet. He knows when to read me, make fun of me, push me and be sweet. It is hard not to herofy him. He is the kind of guy that when you are arguing and you are ready to give in, he gives in too, and you realize that you both are willing to compromise to make the other a little happier. It is such a sweet feeling.

I was trying to figure out what he wanted from the stuff he mailed home to his Mom's house. He said,"Pack anything the looks important." How the heck am I going to know if something looks important?!?!? I said,"Well, nothing can be too terribly important if you can't even think of what it is to tell me to bring." He said,"Nope, as long as I have you and a place to sleep, I am golden." He was surprised I knew his favorite food. What a butthead. Who does he think I am? I am the life ruining girlfriend. Duh ;) I can't wait until he comes home so I can ruin his life some more.

Night other army significant others! If I can make it this far, you can too! I know it is worth it.

These are the lyrics that are us:
If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

I really want to post

But I might be too tired. I have been thinking all day about something that would be a good blog topic and I cannot remember what the topic was. It was so good and appropriate.

I have failed. Many apologies. It's all just a little overwhelming. OH! I remember now!
I was going to write about how I am trying really hard to NOT imagine what his return will be like or how will be or what we should do or ANYTHING. It never turns out how I imagine anyways, so why agonize? The answer is: because I can't stop! Lol. SO every time I catch my self "imagining" I remind myself that imagine is pigeon holing, so I have to stop. It's hard. You just want everything to be perfect. It is not like if it isn't the world will end, or we won't recover. I know what will be perfect will be whatever Adam wants when he gets home. THUS I am trying not to plan anything. Sigh. I have to move out of my cabin in Wyoming so my sister can have it and my new apartment isn't ready yet so I guess my new home in Washington really will be my new home. How strange. Well here we go brave new world.....

Ugh I am so dang tired nothing sounds good. I am going to bed

Not Everyday

This morning started off with a BANG! There was a crash of thunder so loud it set off a car alarm. I was SURE a bomb had gone off or that one of the local oil rigs had blown up. It was so unbelievable. I though to myself, 'If Adam lived here, would he be able to deal with the unbelievable thunder?'

I have been trying not to blog everyday because it seems a little obsessive. I have to say if I had one word to describe how I feel about Adam coming home right now, I think obsessed would be the right description. It is like I am finally letting myself remember all the little things I love about him. I am letting all his smiles and joke and games slip back into my memory. There was a time there for a while when I just had so much other stuff going on, and so much stress that I couldn't think about Adam being in Iraq. Now, I feel like it is edging its way back into my everyday consciousness. I am counting down the days. I have so much travel planned in the next couple days it is crazy. It is going to be a whirlwind trip.

I was thinking of some of the fun times we had in high school. One time we were walking to dinner with a group of our friends, and I was telling someone that I trusted Adam no matter what, and they said,"Would you trust him in a room full of naked girls?"(Such a typical high school student thing to say:: rolls eyes:: ). I said,"Of course, if he really loves me a room full of naked girls shouldn't change that, and if it does then he doesn't really want ME." Then they asked Adam,"Would you trust Jenna in a room full of naked men?" He looked at me apprehensively, and said,"No." It was so funny! Another time he actually convinced me the gullible wasn't in the dictionary. I am finally letting these memories not weigh so heavily on me.

I hung out at a coworkers house and drank margaritas and was ridiculously nice to her boyfriend. I knew it was because I miss Adam like crazy and that it was time to go home. So now there are bad thunderstorms and tornado warnings. Well I guess if my stuff gets wrecked by a tornado I don't have to move it? See there really is a silver lining every where.

I still haven't folded my laundry. :|

No Good Title

OH NO! An unthemed blog post! Whatever will I do? LOL

In case you guys don't notice I do tend to try and pick a topic and stick with it. Tonight is topic-free which is a lot like rambling about my own life. I have to remember to find my phone before I go to bed because it plays my alarm for waking up.

Today was super productive. I am trying to more or less get to bed on time so tomorrow can be productive. If I don't get enough sleep, nothing feels good. I am working really really hard on honoring my need for sleep. It may seem strange, but sometimes I stay up late for no particularly good reason then have to drag myself out of bed in the morning when all I want to do is sleep. The other good things I have done for myself this evening include taking a shower and putting all my clean clothes in my room and PROMISING myself I would fold them tomorrow. I also did some dishes and wiped down the counters and my table. That is some kind of accomplishment. I meant to do some painting today, but I forgot. Not good.

I did some experimental cooking tonight and it ended fairly well and sort of typically in the idea that a stick of butter can fix almost any dish. :| Oh well. I have some cool ideas planned for Adam's "homecoming dinner." I think I will take some time to practice them BEFORE he comes home. Unfortunately, experimental cooking almost always ends with a really dirty kitchen. I did manage to load and start the dishwasher. Poor Adam, not only am I going to make him try experimental cooking, but he will either have to help me clean up or live with a messy kitchen afterwards. You might want to take pity on him. It was a very educational evening. I have learned that deglazing with red wine, means your sauce will be pink. Who would have thought that I should keep some beer around the house just for cooking? Sigh

I have to say I am so damn tired of being needed in like 10 places at once. I just wish that I could do everything from where I am. I guess if I had a private jet, that would be a satisfactory solution then I could be in Texas, Vermont, Pittsburgh, and Wyoming back to back to back to back. Unfortunately, I am without financing to jetset so I will attempt to NOT tear out my hair. Wish me luck.

Ok I am off to find my phone and hope that beauty rest really does work. I could really use a hair cut. ;)

So much

I am on top of the world today. Lots of things are going well. I got to talk to Adam this morning for like an hour and a half and that was AWESOME!

Last night I was reading over the letters that butthead has sent me over the deployment and I noticed two things. One, in about November we both seriously slowed in the letter writing/ sending department. Two, his letters have a certain ring of uncertainty that I don't feel now. I fell asleep reading letters around 7 pm, I drug my self out of bed at 10, and shut off all the lights and locked all the doors and went back to sleep and crashed again until 3 am. I got up and ate some homemade chicken noodle soup, I went back to sleep around 4 am and woke up at 9:30 right before Adam got on. So I slept like 13 and half hours... Hmmm I guess I was worn out. LOL. Now that I have had a full weekend off, I feel ready for Monday.

Anyways when Butthead got on I told him about my observations and he said, "To be fair, we have been talking a lot more then we used to." Yes this is true, and I said,"We both have speed up in work load since then." Which is also true. Then I mentioned the new found strength, and he said,"Yeah, I see that too."

Who wold have thought that a relationship could grow stronger and MORE certain, when he was in Iraq? It's like we know we can't piss the other off to the leaving point anymore. I think we have some how past that point. In September, it will be two years (this time around), and 7 years of knowing each other. I said to him,"Are we getting the boring part yet?" He said,"Never." I said,"Good."

I think that we are going to be pretty happy when he comes home. We are the kind of people who kind of fall into place. I have a feeling that I am not going to get the break I so desperately crave because I will have other obligations. Adam really wants to go camping and he is going to make me hike. With a backpack. And I am going to be much slower than him. And he is going to push me... It is a good thing I hope. I miss him. I order a new bed for us and I am hoping to have it delivered while Pam and I are making out whirlwind run with the prius. Diesel has gone up to $4.27 a gallon. Maybe I will be borrowing the hybrid a bunch sheez.

Anyways, I can't think anymore. NIGHT.