So it turns out my Mom is having an affair. Normally this is the kind of thing you keep secret-- you definitely don't air on your blog, but she told me it was perfectly "normal" and that her and husband had "agreed" it was a good idea. I am trying to pretend to accept an agreement by three consenting adults and failing. It's not just because I don't believe that those sort of relationships can (I personally don't but if it does for you.....fine) it's because I do not believe there was consent and I believe it is a childish act by all parties that will only result in misfortune.
I keep thinking that one day my Mother will grow up and not be selfish and I keep looking for the signs and they are not coming. I would like to get out of this trap. I would like to move on and look beyond my parents and see what things I am.
I have turned into a person that I never thought I would become. Yesterday I drove Adam around base all day. I came home and feel asleep at 6 pm. I don't know if I depressed or worn out and I have no idea where to go from here. It's like I am walking around in Never Never Land looking for some Ruby slippers.
On the bright side Adam and I are spending LOTS of time together and I am so happy to be spending every possible second that we have together. I mean we are having some tight finances, but who isn't right now, that's just the economy I think, and honestly if that is all the problems we have we are certainly blessed. I can't even believe how relaxing it is to have him home.
I have been thinking a lot about what to do next, I was laughing because I was talking to a friend in a similar situation and I said I was still trying to figure out "what to do after college" and he put his drink and said let's toast to that. It's so true right now. We all want more for less. I have been doing a TON of really interesting reading including, The Outliers which is basically about the circumstances how really great people had the opportunities to be great. I read Gang Leader for A Day which was about a guy who investigated the projects (Robert Taylor Homes) of Chicago for 6 years as a socioloigst. I am in the process of reading Hot, Flat, and Crowded by Thomas Freidman and he brought up the most disturbing point about Americans are funding both sides of the war on terrorism as we buy gas from the Saudis and the Saudis fund all sorts of fundamental religious groups and then we fight the war with tax payer dollars. It does seem like a bad circle. It makes me want to do something drastic about the way we consume oil in the US.
Anyways sitting around like I have been makes my brain overflow with ideas and they are overflowing onto my blog. I think I might start another blog just to pull together some ideas from each of these books. I feel like a conspiracy theorist when I write that there has to be some way to pull all of this information and ideas together to make sense and be meaningful. I mean honestly who cares about this if we are just reading about it and sitting on our asses? We keep gathering all this data and what does it mean? It's just more useless words if it doesn't do something for us, other then being interesting.
Anyways more on this later, I am working on finding the meaning of my life. :)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Temptation
"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil....."
So I am in Vermont visiting my family and I spent a couple years here in high school so I am catching up with old friends and it is great to see them. I have friend that I was pretty close with when I lived here and her husband is a truck driver so he is a way a lot. We have another mutual friend that she hangs out with A LOT. He is funny and good looking, maybe gay -- maybe not we don't ask -- he dates girls occasionally, but is very talented and artistic, where as her husband is the strong, silent type. Very loyal, but not very charismatic.
Anyways a couple days ago her husband when out of town and both him and I were invited over to her house. They were very friendly and I had hung out with them earlier in the week as well, and they are always together, eating lunch and spending time at each other's house. Sometimes he will stay in her spare bedroom, because he lives a half an hour away and if he gets drunk he just stays over. They are huggy, but it doesn't seem like they are having an affair per se. People here in this community are very close to each other and have known each other since they were 4 and they are closer to each other than I am to alot of my friends. Their parents know each other and their grandparents know each other etc etc.
I don't know about you guys, but when Adam is away I am very careful how friendly I am with other men. I would not ever want to give anyone a reason to even suspect me of being unfaithful, and I honestly do not want to put my self in any sort of situation where one thing could lead to another. When I hang out with them I don't drink and I go home early. I feel like they think I am being sort of prudish, but I jsut can't risk anythign out of the ordinary. I get lonely really easily and I am not willing to take a risk for anyone to take advantage of that.
Do you guys think I am being silly? Does any one else feel this way when their husbanmd is gone? You think I am being too judgemental? Can they really be just friends?
So I am in Vermont visiting my family and I spent a couple years here in high school so I am catching up with old friends and it is great to see them. I have friend that I was pretty close with when I lived here and her husband is a truck driver so he is a way a lot. We have another mutual friend that she hangs out with A LOT. He is funny and good looking, maybe gay -- maybe not we don't ask -- he dates girls occasionally, but is very talented and artistic, where as her husband is the strong, silent type. Very loyal, but not very charismatic.
Anyways a couple days ago her husband when out of town and both him and I were invited over to her house. They were very friendly and I had hung out with them earlier in the week as well, and they are always together, eating lunch and spending time at each other's house. Sometimes he will stay in her spare bedroom, because he lives a half an hour away and if he gets drunk he just stays over. They are huggy, but it doesn't seem like they are having an affair per se. People here in this community are very close to each other and have known each other since they were 4 and they are closer to each other than I am to alot of my friends. Their parents know each other and their grandparents know each other etc etc.
I don't know about you guys, but when Adam is away I am very careful how friendly I am with other men. I would not ever want to give anyone a reason to even suspect me of being unfaithful, and I honestly do not want to put my self in any sort of situation where one thing could lead to another. When I hang out with them I don't drink and I go home early. I feel like they think I am being sort of prudish, but I jsut can't risk anythign out of the ordinary. I get lonely really easily and I am not willing to take a risk for anyone to take advantage of that.
Do you guys think I am being silly? Does any one else feel this way when their husbanmd is gone? You think I am being too judgemental? Can they really be just friends?
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Freedom?
So the other day I was really depressed because I didn't want to start traveling and so I called my Dad. My Dad is trying to refrain from giving me advice for a month. It's hard for me because I ALWAYS ask EVERYONE what they think and what they think I should do. Now I have to make decisions on my own. What he did tell me was that I had to do what my heart told me and I knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't really packed or ready and I really wanted to stay with Adam for another week. So I told my Mom I had car troubles and away we went. So now I am cleaning the house and doing some cooking and spending some time with Adam and it feels really good that stayed just a little longer. I am such a procrastinater.
Anyways- just thought I would do my next set of wishes in the form of newspaper classifies.
Looking 4 fun BBQ friend to share summer nights. Must enjoy game meats, like to try experimental cooking and have an appetite, occasional alcohol guzzling optional. Prefer people who don't mind trashy houses and shelties.
Looking 4 like minded dogwalking buddies. Preferably someone who likes long walk in pretty places with well mannered dogs. Someone who doesn't mind gab sessions and will help me avoid high calorie cute coffee shops a plus.
I am doing all this cooking because I love summer and I love there being lots foods to eat, but Adam isn't much of an eater. I have been reading in Real Simple and other placed about people trading services. I wish I could trade some one for dinners.
When I shared a house with 4 other girls in college 3 of us would trade off dinners. That was pretty fun. We all got to eat all kinds of good food, but only had to make dinner once a week. It was really fun. Like a dinner club.
Well, I am hoping the commissary is open by now because we need somethings. Maybe I will take the dogs to the dog park while I am out. See you around.
Anyways- just thought I would do my next set of wishes in the form of newspaper classifies.
Looking 4 fun BBQ friend to share summer nights. Must enjoy game meats, like to try experimental cooking and have an appetite, occasional alcohol guzzling optional. Prefer people who don't mind trashy houses and shelties.
Looking 4 like minded dogwalking buddies. Preferably someone who likes long walk in pretty places with well mannered dogs. Someone who doesn't mind gab sessions and will help me avoid high calorie cute coffee shops a plus.
I am doing all this cooking because I love summer and I love there being lots foods to eat, but Adam isn't much of an eater. I have been reading in Real Simple and other placed about people trading services. I wish I could trade some one for dinners.
When I shared a house with 4 other girls in college 3 of us would trade off dinners. That was pretty fun. We all got to eat all kinds of good food, but only had to make dinner once a week. It was really fun. Like a dinner club.
Well, I am hoping the commissary is open by now because we need somethings. Maybe I will take the dogs to the dog park while I am out. See you around.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Hiding Out
I have been hiding out. I do this occasionally when I feel guilty or overwhelmed, I jsut stick my head in the sand like and ostrich and hope the world will go away. Let me tell you its about as effective as an ostrich methods too. I decided to quit my yarn job and I feel like I am letting a lot of people down. It's not making money and although working hard, I am finding myself in quite a bit of debt. Not Fun. On top of that I am not having fun. I am realizing it was not my dream to do it, it was someone else in my families who really pushed me to do it and now and I feel pretty let down, both by myself and by some people in my family. I know it never works out to do business with family and I did it anyways.
This amazing great cool fantastic thing about the whole deal is: I am free for a whole year. I think I Adam and I are going to pack up all our stuff and give it away or put it in storage and we are going to update my Dad's airstream trailer and I am going to live in that until I find a place I want to settle in for a time. Maybe I will stay for the whole year. It is usually around $400 a month to park the airstream at a place so I will be saving on rent for sure and I will always have a place for the dogs, I won't have to worry about finding a place for them to stay. I am hoping I will learn a lot about what I do and do not need in my life to be happy. It's only a 34 ft trailer (which is big for an airstream), but all my stuff isnot going to fit in there that is for sure. Adam and I started talking about what we could store and what we could get rid. It amazed me how much stuff when have in our house. I mean really what can I live without?
So I have a lot of loose ends to clean up and people to pay and pacify and explain, and I am not looking forward to any of it. I have to get on the road today to drive to Arizona and meet my Mother to start coming clean with all the stuff I owe.Adam says to grit my teeth and get it done and then I will feel better about it and he is right, but those first couple of steps are going to be yucky.
Anyways, you will probably be hearing more from me because when I am away from Adam I tend to blog more. (He has some army readiness test for a month).
This amazing great cool fantastic thing about the whole deal is: I am free for a whole year. I think I Adam and I are going to pack up all our stuff and give it away or put it in storage and we are going to update my Dad's airstream trailer and I am going to live in that until I find a place I want to settle in for a time. Maybe I will stay for the whole year. It is usually around $400 a month to park the airstream at a place so I will be saving on rent for sure and I will always have a place for the dogs, I won't have to worry about finding a place for them to stay. I am hoping I will learn a lot about what I do and do not need in my life to be happy. It's only a 34 ft trailer (which is big for an airstream), but all my stuff isnot going to fit in there that is for sure. Adam and I started talking about what we could store and what we could get rid. It amazed me how much stuff when have in our house. I mean really what can I live without?
So I have a lot of loose ends to clean up and people to pay and pacify and explain, and I am not looking forward to any of it. I have to get on the road today to drive to Arizona and meet my Mother to start coming clean with all the stuff I owe.Adam says to grit my teeth and get it done and then I will feel better about it and he is right, but those first couple of steps are going to be yucky.
Anyways, you will probably be hearing more from me because when I am away from Adam I tend to blog more. (He has some army readiness test for a month).
Monday, May 4, 2009
It starts again....
And I can already feel this deployment starting to creep under my skin. We got the packing list. We started rounding up all his sh*t. I am ready to put my head in the sand and wait for it to all be over.
Two weekends ago Adam's car was hit by another driver straight on the wheel. No body damage, all the force went straight into the wheel and the guide bars/ axle/ suspension. Everyone has been dragging their feet (other car- insurance- us) about getting fixed, us because we are so busy and because, Adam didn't think there was much damage and didn't call the police at the time and we had to file a belated police report. UGH. So we are down to one car. Drive Adam to work. Bring Adam lunch. Drive Adam home. I am not stressed out. Run my business. I just don't feel like working, I don't think that is army related, I think that is just every day laziness. :)
After I drove Adam to work this morning I went and worked out at the gym. My guilt reservoir is just growing in leaps and bounds. I just have to face the reality I can't live my life and Adam's too. It just makes me so angry that I don't have time to ride and I don't have a place to do everything that I want to do. I mean I thought we were all in pursuit of happiness, but it blows my mind the convoluted hoops we have to jump through to buy a house, and by the way, my income 'doesn't count' because my business is a year old. Forget buying a house with any land.
Somehow my expensive liberal arts degree isn't some magical ticket to wealth and freedom like I imagined. Ha, how funny. The problem is I can't seem to find the 100% will to do the whole kit and caboodle. I have been doing yarn all my life and I have a hard time going back to ground zero. Learning curves suck.
Anyways rant aside, I spoke to a good friend recently who was working hard to get into med school, despite being a horrible test taker, and she, being and awesoem photographer, wanted to go on an around the world trip to study midwivery in Jordan. She wrote grant proposal after grant proposal. For a year and a half. And got rejected time and time again. She got back from Jordan 3 days ago, she got accepted into John Hopkins and was offered a scholarship from Boston University. Despite being a little lonely, she is single and happy. Her life is falling into place. My life used to do that. I realized it is time to step and have some paitence and let the pieces fall where they may. Paitence is not my strong point.
I think I am looking to settle in. I am ready to have a place and more purpose. So now we have come full circle. That complaint that I always have: purpose. Nothing seems to give me purpose. I mean Adam, and my horses. I am sure someday my kids will as well. I just can't have it all? I can't have the super intellectual high powered job, the out of the way house where I do a ton of home cooking, the well renouned horse breeding ranch where I have all the top notch show ans work horses, and the stay at home freedom to what ever strikes my fancy. If any knows where I can find that I would be ever so greatful. I don't want to pick one. So limiting. Ever feel there is not enough time in life to squelch all your ambitions?
:)
Two weekends ago Adam's car was hit by another driver straight on the wheel. No body damage, all the force went straight into the wheel and the guide bars/ axle/ suspension. Everyone has been dragging their feet (other car- insurance- us) about getting fixed, us because we are so busy and because, Adam didn't think there was much damage and didn't call the police at the time and we had to file a belated police report. UGH. So we are down to one car. Drive Adam to work. Bring Adam lunch. Drive Adam home. I am not stressed out. Run my business. I just don't feel like working, I don't think that is army related, I think that is just every day laziness. :)
After I drove Adam to work this morning I went and worked out at the gym. My guilt reservoir is just growing in leaps and bounds. I just have to face the reality I can't live my life and Adam's too. It just makes me so angry that I don't have time to ride and I don't have a place to do everything that I want to do. I mean I thought we were all in pursuit of happiness, but it blows my mind the convoluted hoops we have to jump through to buy a house, and by the way, my income 'doesn't count' because my business is a year old. Forget buying a house with any land.
Somehow my expensive liberal arts degree isn't some magical ticket to wealth and freedom like I imagined. Ha, how funny. The problem is I can't seem to find the 100% will to do the whole kit and caboodle. I have been doing yarn all my life and I have a hard time going back to ground zero. Learning curves suck.
Anyways rant aside, I spoke to a good friend recently who was working hard to get into med school, despite being a horrible test taker, and she, being and awesoem photographer, wanted to go on an around the world trip to study midwivery in Jordan. She wrote grant proposal after grant proposal. For a year and a half. And got rejected time and time again. She got back from Jordan 3 days ago, she got accepted into John Hopkins and was offered a scholarship from Boston University. Despite being a little lonely, she is single and happy. Her life is falling into place. My life used to do that. I realized it is time to step and have some paitence and let the pieces fall where they may. Paitence is not my strong point.
I think I am looking to settle in. I am ready to have a place and more purpose. So now we have come full circle. That complaint that I always have: purpose. Nothing seems to give me purpose. I mean Adam, and my horses. I am sure someday my kids will as well. I just can't have it all? I can't have the super intellectual high powered job, the out of the way house where I do a ton of home cooking, the well renouned horse breeding ranch where I have all the top notch show ans work horses, and the stay at home freedom to what ever strikes my fancy. If any knows where I can find that I would be ever so greatful. I don't want to pick one. So limiting. Ever feel there is not enough time in life to squelch all your ambitions?
:)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Off!
I am leaving for Atlanta for a trade show this week. I am exhausted. Usually I get more help getting ready for shows. This week Adam has barely made it home in time to eat sleep and do it all again the next morning. This frustrates me to no end. He tries, he really tries-- it's not his fault at all. He tries to come home and be helpful and help me pick up the house and make and eat dinner. Really though-- all both of us want to do is just chill out and rest. Take a load off and relax. Not happening in this house, busy busy busy. It is going to have to slow down before he deploys.
I am so tired and I have a to do list 8 miles long this morning before I catch my flight. I have no idea how I am going to get it all done, but best foot forward. I am not really looking forward to his training days getting longer and longer, which I am sure they will. I am going to leave him a huge list of stuff to do while I am gone and maybe he will have time to get to some of it, if not I am definitely not stressing about it. I just had to take a brief minute blog, update, and get myself clearheaded and on track again.
Yesterday I was feeling pretty overwhelmed by everything and so at lunch I took one of our dogs for a brisk 30 minute hilly walk / hike and that seemed to calm me down considerably.
I am very forcibly making Adam stick to a budget that we agreed on, but being the enforcer all the time is a little exhausting. I gave him an earful last night about eating healthy and he seemed pretty dejected and while I felt bad, it isn't stuff we haven't discussed before. I know he doesn't need to hear that when he comes home and is tired, but by the same token, when does he have "time"? Sometimes these things come up at just inopportune times, and when I am as stressed out as he is, I don't have time to sugarcoat everything... Unfortunately, the reality is our life is stressful right now and while I don't want to focus on that so much and stress Adam out I need him to be aware that we have stuff to do and it's not all flowers and butterflies. Tough.
Anyways- I have been kind of grouchy lately and I hope that it "magically clears up" very soon. I am bummed about spending time away from Adam, because I miss him TERRIBLY when we are apart, but at the same time I have a lot of fun at yarn show selling yarn and meeting people. I like to see the reactions on their faces when they see my product. The best is when Adam comes to the yarn shows, but he rarely can get off to do that.
Toodle-loo
I am so tired and I have a to do list 8 miles long this morning before I catch my flight. I have no idea how I am going to get it all done, but best foot forward. I am not really looking forward to his training days getting longer and longer, which I am sure they will. I am going to leave him a huge list of stuff to do while I am gone and maybe he will have time to get to some of it, if not I am definitely not stressing about it. I just had to take a brief minute blog, update, and get myself clearheaded and on track again.
Yesterday I was feeling pretty overwhelmed by everything and so at lunch I took one of our dogs for a brisk 30 minute hilly walk / hike and that seemed to calm me down considerably.
I am very forcibly making Adam stick to a budget that we agreed on, but being the enforcer all the time is a little exhausting. I gave him an earful last night about eating healthy and he seemed pretty dejected and while I felt bad, it isn't stuff we haven't discussed before. I know he doesn't need to hear that when he comes home and is tired, but by the same token, when does he have "time"? Sometimes these things come up at just inopportune times, and when I am as stressed out as he is, I don't have time to sugarcoat everything... Unfortunately, the reality is our life is stressful right now and while I don't want to focus on that so much and stress Adam out I need him to be aware that we have stuff to do and it's not all flowers and butterflies. Tough.
Anyways- I have been kind of grouchy lately and I hope that it "magically clears up" very soon. I am bummed about spending time away from Adam, because I miss him TERRIBLY when we are apart, but at the same time I have a lot of fun at yarn show selling yarn and meeting people. I like to see the reactions on their faces when they see my product. The best is when Adam comes to the yarn shows, but he rarely can get off to do that.
Toodle-loo
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Here we go again!
How does the housework in your family? In ours, both and neither. I work pretty much full time and beyond and we all know Adam does as well. We do laundry when we have no clean clothes and do dishes when they pile up. I have been doing some massive cooking and some cleaning and Adam pitches in around the edge, but Go--am, our house is always a mess!
I hate hate hate it. Can't bring people over because that would involve cleaning the house. We try, and we do a big once through of the house, but we are limited about how much trash we are allowed to throw out each week. It is so expensive to get rid of trash here I can see why people let the trash build up around the house.
My other problem is, I never really fully move into a house, I know I am going to have to move again. Which is why I am being such a pain about wanting to buy my next house. Then I can take out the stupid shit the people before me left behind. The house we are in has too many wall and too many tiny closets that you can barely put anything in.
Adam and I are both the "go" people--we are always going going going. Add to the fun of we are always constantly looking for stuff. We use but don't always put it back. Yesterday I asked Adam if he could help with some housework and he looked at me and said,"Myna, I have to have downtime sometime." He is right, he just came off a 24 hour CQ shift and he has had a chance to relax since the weekend before when we ran errands all weekend. It's been a zoo.
It's just overwhelming really. Sigh, anyways I have to do some real work. Yesterday I worked until 7:3o at night and I came and Adam had fallen asleep playing pokemon with no dinner.
How do you guys manage this stuff?
I hate hate hate it. Can't bring people over because that would involve cleaning the house. We try, and we do a big once through of the house, but we are limited about how much trash we are allowed to throw out each week. It is so expensive to get rid of trash here I can see why people let the trash build up around the house.
My other problem is, I never really fully move into a house, I know I am going to have to move again. Which is why I am being such a pain about wanting to buy my next house. Then I can take out the stupid shit the people before me left behind. The house we are in has too many wall and too many tiny closets that you can barely put anything in.
Adam and I are both the "go" people--we are always going going going. Add to the fun of we are always constantly looking for stuff. We use but don't always put it back. Yesterday I asked Adam if he could help with some housework and he looked at me and said,"Myna, I have to have downtime sometime." He is right, he just came off a 24 hour CQ shift and he has had a chance to relax since the weekend before when we ran errands all weekend. It's been a zoo.
It's just overwhelming really. Sigh, anyways I have to do some real work. Yesterday I worked until 7:3o at night and I came and Adam had fallen asleep playing pokemon with no dinner.
How do you guys manage this stuff?
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