If I was Smart

I have been day dreaming about finding the time to write in my blog for the last 3 days. I haven't found any practical time to write. Every night in Washington I was tired and worked until I wanted to sleep or later.

I am back in Texas now and feeling pretty lonely after all the bustle with Pam and I getting everything ready. It was nice to sleep in a place where I wasn't alone in the house.

So what do you want to hear about first?
How about I tell you about how awesome the prius is and how GLAD I am that Adam's Mom got it for him. It is a god send on gas mileage. I know we spent less then $200 on gas the entire trip. I am dreading the fortune I am going to spend on gas hauling my horse to Washington.

How much I love my new apartment? The incredible trip to Ikea and subsequent furniture building parties? The amount of pie I ate at Shari's (local greasy spoon that specializes in pie)? I think I easily ate a whole pie by the time I was there.

How about I tell you about my first FRG meeting? Let's just say I survived, and "Welcome Home Day" is going to be exciting. There were a lot of babies there. One girl was talking about how she found out she was prego 6 days after he left.... Wow. There were a lot of different types of people there. Base is a little intimidating for me. Ok a lot intimidating for me. I was just never raised around it.

So I got back so late tonight and I am doing my If I was Smart things... You know how you think to yourself, If I was smart, I would put those car keys where I can find them. So I just started doing those things. I looked at my schedule to drive home and then drive out to Washington and I realized there wasn't enough time. So I cut out a trip to New Mexico to look at Betcha, and see if I could pick up Adam's huge black dresser (Sry, Butthead it won't fit comfortably in our room anyways). I had one of the ranch guys help me get some vet work done on one of my horses, so I can leave Tuesday instead of Wednesday. I cam home tonight and knew I wouldn't be able to sleep for a bit so I vacuumed, swept /mopped, and packed some more stuff. I think I just ran through my very last load of laundry. Now I have a headache because I am very very tired.

I thought to myself: If I were smart I would plug in my phone so I won't have to argue with it tomorrow when I start to run out of battery. So I plugged in my phone. I changed my trip around so when I stop the first night I will be staying with friends, and my horse will be staying with friends. That way I can catch some down time.

Here is the plan for me, and I have to write it out because I am neurotic and I think once I write it down, it will be more obvious if I am still trying to do too much stuff.
Tomorrow (later today): Get one last ride in with Leon, hook up my horse trailer, bring it to my house. Go to the chiropractor, post office( mail last bit of stuff to friends and get a change of address), get an oil change. Go to the vet, pick up the paperwork for traveling, and go buy some last minute things at Teskeys. Finish packing up my stuff, do the last minute vacuuming and mopping. LEAVE KEYS. Call Electricity, Water and Internet and Cancel. Get paper work for my horse out of Leon's office, and leave paperwork on my show horse for Leon.

Friday: Get up at like 4 am, load my mattress into the horse trailer, drive to the ranch, load up my horse, TAKE SOME HAY AND SHAVINGS. Start driving to Colorado Springs, should be a 12 hour or so drive. Drop off horse, stay at friends.

Saturday, get up and leisurely drive to Wyoming (7 hours)

Sunday and Monday: Pack up my old room in Wyoming ( my little sister is getting it), and get all of Adam's stuff, and my stuff from the ranch that we need (like his passport and my camping gear). Do things that I am committed to do, like finish some paper work on some babies, and look at my apartment over the barn and see if they need me to do anything on that. I need to ride a horse for my Dad and gather some horses to take to Washington. I also need to check on which horses have shoes, and make sure any horses not being ridden have the shoes pulled. I am borrowing my Dad's truck. I need to get health papers for 2 horses. I need to call Missoula, MT fairgrounds, and find out if I can keep some horses overnight there.

Tuesday Morning:
Load up my 3 horses. Make sure all my stuff is loaded, head for Missoula. 12 hour drive.

Wednesday:
Load up and drive to Roy, WA and drop off my ponies and unhook my trailer.

Thursday: Hmm I think I will take delivery of the pod, and I will pickup Adam's Mom from the airport. She offered to help me unload, very kind of her.

Friday: Unload the pod, have it picked up.

Saturday: Get the house ready.

Then I wait. Until he comes home. I am so worn out just thinking about it all. It does seem like a lot. But I knew these days would be the hardest. Especially right now because I have so much to do between now and then.

PS I got a pic of the master bedroom, I don't want to put too much up in case Adam sees it. So I will put it up in a little while.

W.O.R.N O.U.T.

We in the last instance is Adam's mother Pam, who has been my traveling buddy for the last little while.

We went to IKEA today for 6 hours. Poor Adam, poor Adam's prius. The first tiem we went through and got some bearings. Then we bought small stuff and measured the car to see if the bed frame would fit in it. Then we bought some large stuff. We went back and CRAMMED that car full. Then I wanted to get some chairs, for the balcony. Pam didn't think the boxes would fit. We went back a THIRD time and I MADE them fit. I don't knwo how we did it. We got a table a queen bed frame and slats, a desk, a bookcase, several pillows, 2 comforters, and some odds and ends to fit in that car. Pam had to sit very scrunched behind me. We lugged it all up into the house, and then we started to assemble. Finally, when we were so hungry we just couldn't build another piece of furniture we went in search of food. We found a chinese buffet, and I tried some suspicious sushi which would later cause me to christen my new bathroom as it refused to stay down. :( Not so good. I feel much better now.

Honestly though, I just don't have the time or energy to deal with my outside life. I cannot think about it and I don't want to check my email.

Anyways, so if I am ignoring you guys don't take it personally. I am just out there.

It is soon guys.... :) I have to go back to Texas on Wednesday, and gather up my horses, then go back to Wyoming and get the rest of my stuff. Then come here to stay. It is a lot to do.

Nighto. I am sleeping in my new ikea stuff... very cool.

WE MADE IT!

and didn't fall asleep once! Lol we didn't temp fate either. but we made it in 2 days.

The apartment is great, commercial and not as cute as Caitlin's, but we have a pool. :) It's cooler here in Washington and it feels really really nice. Last night we went to Shari's which is like a Denny's around here and we bought a bunch of pie.

Anyways, we are headed to IKEA. Wish me luck!

hmmm

I made it. I am tired. Disillusioned, and lost BUT: I got ride in Adam's new car and GO THROUGH ALL HIS STUFF!

It was great! I found some things of mine that some how never made it back into my possession after our break up at boarding school..... ADAM! YOU STOLE MY GREEN HALTER! YOU JERK! Hmnt you have some explaining to do..... I am sure you were saving it for me. I decided that your bull riding accoutrement could stay here in NM.

So everything is set to be repacked in the car tomorrow and away we will go. Adam has a lot of "weird" army stuff. Operating manuals, a helmet, hats. I saved all his chicken books, they are coming with me to Washington.

Anyways its really late. Hopefully I will sleep.

NIGHT ALL

one of these days...

I will catch up! HA HA HA, funny joke huh?

So that day is not today and I just wanted to shoot you faithful readers a quick "I am alive and okay" because I can be really foul and mean-tempered when I am tired and frustrated. I had to explain to my Dad the moving snafus (hey isn't that an army term.... wink wink) and he was less then thrilled. He says that I have a lack of communication skills in this one area. For me thats a grey area, because apparently telling or asking someone something once is not enough. I will admit I do let my self jump to conclusions, and feel like something has been decided when other people don't feel that way, and that maybe what happened a little with the pods people, but I still blame them. They should have made made it more obvious how much I needed to contact them AND how to contact them and that's all I am going to say. Anyways suffice to say he wasn't thrilled.

I was overly nice to someone and it cost me a night sleep last night as their dog whined all night from 2 am on when they left for work and left the puppy in the bathroom. UGH not fun. That was my stupid, but I was too nice to really remedy it. So no more being nice. Oh well.
This made me so tired that I lost it at work today and started crying about something stupid and looked like an idiot in front of everyone. Fortunately Leon is the nicest person in the world and told me it was ok. So yeah, Leon told me that he is behind Adam and I 100%, but that if I ever needed to come back, I would have a place. I am not really sure what that means though, cuz they don't pay me right now so. Ugh anyways, I am not going to think about it because I can't.

This is one of the longest stretches I have ever gone without talking to my beloved butthead. I hope to hear from him soon.

Sry about the non cohesiveness ;) I am headed out to help drive his Prius to Washington tomorrow. I am very excited, I have to say that at this very moment, the Adam return dance BEGINS because that is pretty much all I am going to be focused on from now until he is here in my arms.... He is a lot of freaking work! It is a very good thing I love him ya know? ;)

NIGHT

Not thinking.

I was going to go to bed early tonight. Really. I was going to take T's advice. No. It's 11 pm and I am AWAKE, blogging.

I am not thinking. I don't want to think about leaving or missing people, or change or WHAT'S NEXT. I don't want to think about Adam coming home or how much I miss him or how close it really is.

Well when you don't think, that carries over into normal life too. I locked myself out of my car. AGAIN (and for $100 in Dallas, I got someone to unlock it). I know why I do it and I could explain why I do it all the time, but the truth is I just need to tape a key somewhere my car. No matter how careful I am I don't think I am going to be able to stop myself from doing. It's a long story.

I went to go see a movie. I didn't take into account how long the movie was and how late I would get back. Watching a movie alone again was sad and I missed Adam and cried. It is such a bummer that it is hard for me to watch movies that will make me miss him and cry. It makes everythign more complicated.

I left my phone at my house. Opps.

The trash people took my trash can 2 weeks early even though I paid for the whole month. What assholes. Why did they do that?

Anyways, I am done thinking for tonight. On the bright side I rode really well.
:)

On a side note: I would like to comment that I am pissed that people aren't holding their end of the agreement up and that someone else I am counting on is acting like a total jerk thus complicating my life. The apartment people told me last month NO PROBLEM letting us in on Memorial Day. The office will be open then they said. Those liars. They will not be freaking open, apparently. I am so sick of the runaround bullshit. I want it done and I want is done now. I can tell I am tired irritable.
It makes me want to choke the next irritating person.


Oh well

PODS

Well

It was a roundabout day, and I very frustrated that the pods people are definitely not true to their advertising. They have screwed up my whole schedule and I have had to ask some family to step in and help where they really shouldn't have to. I a, grateful that they can, but really disappointed because I thought I had done a better job planning. I don't think I would use them again.

Counting down is wonderful. My house is empty except for the stuff that is coming with me to Wyoming. I had a bunch of stuff I was going to write about and now I can't remember any of it. I am sorry.

Oh yeah I remember! When I get out of my routine, everything tends to fall apart. I lose things I can't remember what I am supposed to be doing. It's bad. I am truly a person that relies on a schedule and a series of rituals that keep me going. They are not always the same rituals, but whatever it is that I am doing I have to keep doing. I am a little overwhelmed. Sometimes I wake up and I can't remember what is going on, or worse, I think of all the stuff I have to do and can't go back to sleep! Oh well. This is such a worthless post in the sense that I did have something reasonable to write about and now I can't remember at all what the purpose of the post was. Sigh.

I have been drinking too much diet coke and it makes my fingers tingle. Really irritating. They have been tingling all night. Ugh well, time to lay off the aspartame for e, and see the chiropractor tomorrow.

Night all I am giving in, and not "closing" this post.

PS: To all my blogging buddies: I have been keeping up with your blogs, I just haven't had time to thoughtfully comment. But I will soon!

75%

I am 75% packed, and mostly packed in my pod. I was trying to tell someone who I am today. (I know here we go with the Who I am bs again ;) ) I am so many people to so many people. The internet aids that. When it is time to be someone new I log out with one account and log in with another.

I have my personal account (the one that I write this blog in) and then my professional account (sometimes you will see me comment with that google account and I set that profile to refer to this blog....) and another account that is totally separate that s for a different business venture.

Here I am packing to go, I had a great dinner with one of my co-workers and her mother tonight and I thought to myself as I left the restaurant, am I ready to not be this person any more? The apprentice? Part of me is really ready to not work the insane hours, or deal with the unrealistic expectations. On some level that is what draws you together, going beyond the norm to accomplish something. I mean on some disassociative level is that not what the army is? Soldiers working together to bear the burdens of war, army spouses commiserating together to share the pastimes of deployment. There is something there that brings people together.

I would be lying if I told you I wasn't terrified of losing who I am in the whole wash of all the things I am doing right now. However in the same breath, Adam is more important to me then anything and I can say with conviction that making that a part of my identity is very easy for me. I think what i struggle with more, is how much time to put into hors stuff, and how much time to put into career related work. I have really done a lot of research in both things. Finding the balance is going to be the key.

As my therapist always gently reminds me,"Do you have to know that now?" and the truth is I don't. I really need my sleep now. So I am going to snatch some and try and let the worries hit the back burner and trust myself to do the right thing when the time comes. :) Wish me luck.

PS: T- if other army significant others didn't feel a little jealous about my butthead coming home, while their's is still away, I would think they were crazy. I get jealous of Caitlin who is totally army free ;) (and of course living happily ever after!), but I am counting my blessings for what I have.

He Called

For an hour! It's the first time I have talked to him in forever. My friend and I were eating lunch and so it was sort of awkward. He was his typical playful self and that was the best thing to hear in the entire world. Nothing could better then to him be his "regular self." I am fully aware that there may be days coming when it will seem like he is not the person I know. That is ok.

I think I am the luckiest person to have found him. Today one of my friends from college said to me,"Good he is coming back and hopefully you guys will have sometime to figure out if you still like each other." I don't need to figure it out. I know already. That is a good feeling, and talking to him on the phone like we saw each other yesterday has to be the most comforting thing on the planet. He knows when to read me, make fun of me, push me and be sweet. It is hard not to herofy him. He is the kind of guy that when you are arguing and you are ready to give in, he gives in too, and you realize that you both are willing to compromise to make the other a little happier. It is such a sweet feeling.

I was trying to figure out what he wanted from the stuff he mailed home to his Mom's house. He said,"Pack anything the looks important." How the heck am I going to know if something looks important?!?!? I said,"Well, nothing can be too terribly important if you can't even think of what it is to tell me to bring." He said,"Nope, as long as I have you and a place to sleep, I am golden." He was surprised I knew his favorite food. What a butthead. Who does he think I am? I am the life ruining girlfriend. Duh ;) I can't wait until he comes home so I can ruin his life some more.

Night other army significant others! If I can make it this far, you can too! I know it is worth it.

These are the lyrics that are us:
If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

I really want to post

But I might be too tired. I have been thinking all day about something that would be a good blog topic and I cannot remember what the topic was. It was so good and appropriate.

I have failed. Many apologies. It's all just a little overwhelming. OH! I remember now!
I was going to write about how I am trying really hard to NOT imagine what his return will be like or how will be or what we should do or ANYTHING. It never turns out how I imagine anyways, so why agonize? The answer is: because I can't stop! Lol. SO every time I catch my self "imagining" I remind myself that imagine is pigeon holing, so I have to stop. It's hard. You just want everything to be perfect. It is not like if it isn't the world will end, or we won't recover. I know what will be perfect will be whatever Adam wants when he gets home. THUS I am trying not to plan anything. Sigh. I have to move out of my cabin in Wyoming so my sister can have it and my new apartment isn't ready yet so I guess my new home in Washington really will be my new home. How strange. Well here we go brave new world.....

Ugh I am so dang tired nothing sounds good. I am going to bed

Not Everyday

This morning started off with a BANG! There was a crash of thunder so loud it set off a car alarm. I was SURE a bomb had gone off or that one of the local oil rigs had blown up. It was so unbelievable. I though to myself, 'If Adam lived here, would he be able to deal with the unbelievable thunder?'

I have been trying not to blog everyday because it seems a little obsessive. I have to say if I had one word to describe how I feel about Adam coming home right now, I think obsessed would be the right description. It is like I am finally letting myself remember all the little things I love about him. I am letting all his smiles and joke and games slip back into my memory. There was a time there for a while when I just had so much other stuff going on, and so much stress that I couldn't think about Adam being in Iraq. Now, I feel like it is edging its way back into my everyday consciousness. I am counting down the days. I have so much travel planned in the next couple days it is crazy. It is going to be a whirlwind trip.

I was thinking of some of the fun times we had in high school. One time we were walking to dinner with a group of our friends, and I was telling someone that I trusted Adam no matter what, and they said,"Would you trust him in a room full of naked girls?"(Such a typical high school student thing to say:: rolls eyes:: ). I said,"Of course, if he really loves me a room full of naked girls shouldn't change that, and if it does then he doesn't really want ME." Then they asked Adam,"Would you trust Jenna in a room full of naked men?" He looked at me apprehensively, and said,"No." It was so funny! Another time he actually convinced me the gullible wasn't in the dictionary. I am finally letting these memories not weigh so heavily on me.

I hung out at a coworkers house and drank margaritas and was ridiculously nice to her boyfriend. I knew it was because I miss Adam like crazy and that it was time to go home. So now there are bad thunderstorms and tornado warnings. Well I guess if my stuff gets wrecked by a tornado I don't have to move it? See there really is a silver lining every where.

I still haven't folded my laundry. :|

No Good Title

OH NO! An unthemed blog post! Whatever will I do? LOL

In case you guys don't notice I do tend to try and pick a topic and stick with it. Tonight is topic-free which is a lot like rambling about my own life. I have to remember to find my phone before I go to bed because it plays my alarm for waking up.

Today was super productive. I am trying to more or less get to bed on time so tomorrow can be productive. If I don't get enough sleep, nothing feels good. I am working really really hard on honoring my need for sleep. It may seem strange, but sometimes I stay up late for no particularly good reason then have to drag myself out of bed in the morning when all I want to do is sleep. The other good things I have done for myself this evening include taking a shower and putting all my clean clothes in my room and PROMISING myself I would fold them tomorrow. I also did some dishes and wiped down the counters and my table. That is some kind of accomplishment. I meant to do some painting today, but I forgot. Not good.

I did some experimental cooking tonight and it ended fairly well and sort of typically in the idea that a stick of butter can fix almost any dish. :| Oh well. I have some cool ideas planned for Adam's "homecoming dinner." I think I will take some time to practice them BEFORE he comes home. Unfortunately, experimental cooking almost always ends with a really dirty kitchen. I did manage to load and start the dishwasher. Poor Adam, not only am I going to make him try experimental cooking, but he will either have to help me clean up or live with a messy kitchen afterwards. You might want to take pity on him. It was a very educational evening. I have learned that deglazing with red wine, means your sauce will be pink. Who would have thought that I should keep some beer around the house just for cooking? Sigh

I have to say I am so damn tired of being needed in like 10 places at once. I just wish that I could do everything from where I am. I guess if I had a private jet, that would be a satisfactory solution then I could be in Texas, Vermont, Pittsburgh, and Wyoming back to back to back to back. Unfortunately, I am without financing to jetset so I will attempt to NOT tear out my hair. Wish me luck.

Ok I am off to find my phone and hope that beauty rest really does work. I could really use a hair cut. ;)

So much

I am on top of the world today. Lots of things are going well. I got to talk to Adam this morning for like an hour and a half and that was AWESOME!

Last night I was reading over the letters that butthead has sent me over the deployment and I noticed two things. One, in about November we both seriously slowed in the letter writing/ sending department. Two, his letters have a certain ring of uncertainty that I don't feel now. I fell asleep reading letters around 7 pm, I drug my self out of bed at 10, and shut off all the lights and locked all the doors and went back to sleep and crashed again until 3 am. I got up and ate some homemade chicken noodle soup, I went back to sleep around 4 am and woke up at 9:30 right before Adam got on. So I slept like 13 and half hours... Hmmm I guess I was worn out. LOL. Now that I have had a full weekend off, I feel ready for Monday.

Anyways when Butthead got on I told him about my observations and he said, "To be fair, we have been talking a lot more then we used to." Yes this is true, and I said,"We both have speed up in work load since then." Which is also true. Then I mentioned the new found strength, and he said,"Yeah, I see that too."

Who wold have thought that a relationship could grow stronger and MORE certain, when he was in Iraq? It's like we know we can't piss the other off to the leaving point anymore. I think we have some how past that point. In September, it will be two years (this time around), and 7 years of knowing each other. I said to him,"Are we getting the boring part yet?" He said,"Never." I said,"Good."

I think that we are going to be pretty happy when he comes home. We are the kind of people who kind of fall into place. I have a feeling that I am not going to get the break I so desperately crave because I will have other obligations. Adam really wants to go camping and he is going to make me hike. With a backpack. And I am going to be much slower than him. And he is going to push me... It is a good thing I hope. I miss him. I order a new bed for us and I am hoping to have it delivered while Pam and I are making out whirlwind run with the prius. Diesel has gone up to $4.27 a gallon. Maybe I will be borrowing the hybrid a bunch sheez.

Anyways, I can't think anymore. NIGHT.

Putting in my hours

I have been working pretty hard lately. I am logging in the hours and the hard stuff that no one wants to do full tilt. You want good karma you have to make it. I am not saying I am not saying that because I have done some of the difficult stuff I deserve an easy time, I am saying if I put enough good stuff out there it is going to have to come back and bite me in the ass.

One of my coworkers said she would get up in the morning and feed the herd we have going, but then called late and asked if I could do it. She is off with her boyfriend, helping him change a transmission. Talk about love, lol. I told her I would do it. I have been picking up some of the slack I see, not all of it, but some of it.

This is why: when Adam comes home I am going to take at least 4 weeks if not MORE off. I am going to: DO NOTHING -- CHILL OUT -- DON'T F*ING BUG ME -- OFF. I am going to sleep, I am going to baby Adam, and I am not going to worry. I am going to cook and decorate and meet him after work. We are going to dgo do anything that he wants to do. I am going to lounge and use the pool and sleep as much as I want. I am going to turn the place we live into the most comfortable functional space it can be within my budget.

Most of all I am not going to catch any flak for it. I don't CARE what you think about me spending as much time with Adam as I want as is humanely possible. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME EARNING MONEY, TAKING CLASSES, OR GETTING A JOB. I won't hear any criticism from anyone for a month! I am going to ride my horses, enjoy the outdoors and do what ever I can to get me and Adam healthy and happy and do what is right for the both of us. I don't care if you think that what I do with him or for him is silly or over th top. I will protect his down time and any time with my with an unyielding amount of ferocity.

So I am putting in the hours of that's shitty and this isn't really my job, and being nice to people, and putting up with other people's incompetence and problems. I am not talking about work, just ANYONE in my life who holding me down or back for any reason.

I need a break. I am going to make sure that both Adam and I get one.

Happy Birthday Pam!

It's Adam's Mom's birthday! If she wasn't born Adam could have never been born. And what good boy he was able to call her. :) He such a good guy. When they get off she gets me to give me an update. He sounds like he is his "normal"self. That is good to hear. Today was ok. I did what all grieving people do. I made and ate comfort food. ALL DAY. It was insane.

Blogger Personal Opinion BELOW
Ok I would love to know what people think about a television in the bedroom. People who are into feng shui think television in the bedroom is bad and drained the energy out of the room. I kind of feel the same way. HOWEVER, I do like to put my computer to play anime (Japanese cartoons) and that is comforting and helps me sleep. So whats the difference you ask between your computer and tv? 2 things, one television is one directional, to me, and two there is not mandatory ads on my computer like there are on tv. So while tv seems draining, computer seems slightly dysfunctional (read not restful), but sometimes calm if it is not over stimulating. I have this weird love hate relationship with tv and sleep. If I am watching regular tv I cannot sleep unless I am sick. If I am sick, then I almost need to watch tv to occupy my mind to sleep.

Anyways, I know that our bedroom in Washington will need to be really clutter free. I think it is true that to much stuff in he bedroom detracts. I know Adam really wants a simple bedroom.

In 7 days, they should deliver the pod so I can pack it. Then I have 5 days to pack it. Then I will have no stuff for 6 days, then I will drive to Washington with Pam. Then I will fly back, load up my horses, say a sad good bye to my house, and start driving with my horses. I have to go to Wyoming and figure out which horses I am taking. It all seems far away, but not far, just tangible. Which is INSANE.

It is all I can do..

to write in my blog tonight. You know sometimes being who you are in a place you don't fit in is just what you have to do. No more excuses. Lately it has been easier then in the past to be "who I am." Whoever the hell that is. I had a frustrating day. So I called my best friend Melissa and she let me yell at the phone for an hour. Very cathartic. I think that if I didn't have a friend like her, I would most certainly go crazy. She confirms that I am not going insane, that my circumstances sometimes don't make any SENSE and that if we were reversed I would tell her to quit her job, and she is right. I would. Maybe.

I truly believe that most things happen for a reason. I don't mean that there is some obvious destiny plan way that my life is supposed to happen. Instead I believe that God gives me opportunities to learn something, and that there is something that can be gained out of every situation, even if it is just that I must be building up good karma because I can't see any value in X. Or maybe I am supposed to learn to get myself out of bad situations. Whatever the lesson is supposed to be I am sure there is a lesson anyways. I have been learning a lot about myself this last month or so.

Melissa firmly believes that life isn't fair, and it is never so why get hung up in the fact that somethings are really unfair. I think that we should strive for fairness, even though it is not often achievable.

I tend to be responsible, at least I like to think I am. Unfortunately, people don't like responsible people is my conclusion. I have always been the "boring" goody two-shoes (where the hell did that saying come from anyways!?!?). In that way I am not adventurous or brave, I don't like breaking the rules or laws or not having a plan or taking responsibility for things that could get me into trouble. When people joe and laugh about the super stupid and irresponsible things they have done, it makes me feel ill. It's not funny, it is lucky that nothing worse happened. I know I am a down when I fail to find humor in theses situations. Sorry. I just cannot believe how irresponsible some people when they make their life choices. I don't find it funny when people joke about being married young and being clueless, making uninformed, selfish choices, and being miserable. That's just sad. I am not the type of person who can put on a smile and pretend like I think it is. I can't and I won't, there is no reason to.

Anyways, we had to take a very nice horse to vet because she got sick and we are all worried about her. I hope she gets better soon and doesn't need surgery. I am tired of being undervalued. But people make their choices, and maybe it is the right choice for them and they are being true to themselves, and you can't help them no matter how much you want to. Especially if they don't want help. Which is exactly what it feel like right now. I am glad I can see that I try to not take it so personally, because my feelings get hurt really easily.

Moving on! Adam got online last night and told me I MUST bring the trunk to Washington. Cool I am glad someone decided. I am trying to figure out how to get to Washington with my work schedule and I think I am just going to have to flat out tell them what I need to do, and not ask. I just have to make sure I am in the right mind set when I do that so I don't act childish. HMM food for thought anyways.

(( I had very bad grammar through out this blog post, I do apologize.))

UPDATE:: Just found out that the horse had to be put down. Going to be a REALLY hard day tomorrow.

BETCHA FOALED!

Adam and I are now the proud human parents of Betcha's new dun stud colt. I have not seen him personally, BUT I have heard he is quite handsome. I will be visiting him at the end of May and I will be sure to take plenty of pictures. I was really hoping for a filly (girl), but I have heard the little guy is quite handsome and has a small star on his forehead. I am so very excited to go visit. I had a hard time getting her bred she just wouldn't stay in foal and now, she has a beautiful baby on the ground. The baby is in NM, with Mommy, and Betcha is going to get rebred back to the same stallion. So I am purdy dang excited.

In other bnews I made a lot of cake tonight. I made a Genoise with Strawberries and Cream. It's kind of a complicated cake but it is really delicious. The first cake i made I wasn't careful enough with, so I quickly whipped up another one. Now that I have really had nothing but strawberries and whipped cream and cake I feel sick! But I have mastered a new cake technique.

Today was ok, someone asked how soon until Adam comes home. Now it seems SOON. If everything goes according to plan (which it rarely does) I am soon closing in on the the time to move to Washington (I was more specific but Adam got on and said CHANGE IT, too specific). Obviously, I can't really say much more than that. I am really just trying to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. :) I have a countdown in my head. Part of me is excited and part of me is like CRAP, I have a LOT to do between now and then. Packing my house seems like a lot of work in some respects, but in others its seems kind of normal and very manageable. I should time myself to see how long it actually takes me because I have moved ALL MY LIFE, and particularly a lot in the last couple of years due to college. So. I have kind of gotten to the point where moving is just a part of living. I have several days of packing ahead, but since I have had it on my mind for a while, I have been trying not to buy stuff I have to move, and I unpacked things in a way that they would be easy to pack up again.

UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE I KNOW AND LOVE (BUTTHEAD) I save the original boxes for this, I keep them until I move, then I know whether or not I needed it to pack that way expensive things go back in the boxes they came out of and are protected in their travels, unlike someones huge unwieldy television. ;) Some of my furniture I knew was going to be temporary, so I am not hurt that it will stay behind. Less to pack. Hopefully we will be in our new place a while. IE longer then 9 months. I am so freaking sick of moving it's insane. I am really to have a place we can personalize a little. Rather then just another white walled apartment.

Well I am super excited about my foal. I can't wait to see him.

Forward Group?

I guess Adam's forward group came home a couple days ago. It was explained to me that means there is a serious increase of likely hood that he will come home when they say he will! It might be real folks. I just don't believe it.

I started figuring out my schedule to make my way to Washington. When I am flying, when I am driving what I am taking home, what I am packing in my pod, and what will actually fit in my horse trailer and there for is going to Washington by default. The biggest thing is what am I going to do with my trunk. Right now I use it as a coffee table. It is a little high though. I guess I could take it and put a piece of glass on it and make look like a real coffee table. Some how it is almost the same color as the chairs, so it looks sort of awkward. I am thinking about just taking it home to Wyoming because it doesn't really fit anywhere in the new apartment. I wonder if Adam has this trunk. I don't think he has. I bought it at an auction for 10$, its an antique. My stepfather and i sanded and cleaned and painted it. I have taken it almost every where with me. I think he has seen it. MINA IT WAS IN THE GARAGE! DO YOU REMEMBER? DO YOU THINK I SHOULD BRING IT TO WASHINGTON? ((I don't think he can hear me))

So close but yet so far...I mean it really does seem like Never Never Land. Adam definitely qualifies as Peter Pan. He was Peter Pan one year for Halloween, I have the pictures of him in green tights to prove it. He loved those green tights :D, he wore them all the time after Halloween, when he was cold, under his jeans. Good thing that sort of stuff doesn't embarrass him. I declined to be Wendy and instead was Captain Hook, I spray painted my hair black, he didn't even recognize me. :( No One did.

Today was a good day. I bought a lot of tack today and ran a bunch of errands. I rode my horses.

That's all I feel like writing today. I am feeling less then prolific. :D



As a side note, I do have to say I have some Texas readers, and I complain about Texas a lot and to those readers I apologize. It's just not my permanent place. I don't think people really get me here and that's okay.

update

I should really be sleeping. Horse show went okay, I wonder if I worked my horse too hard today, I will know tomorrow. Her back seemed maybe a little sore. If that is the case, I don't think I will show her tomorrow. That would be a bummer. We placed in half our classes, that is good.

That spider bite on my leg has swollen up again. I am not sure why, I don't think it is a good sign.

Adam got online this morning. He has stopped eating junk food. I used to ream on him all the time about his bad eating habits. I bought him pringles to send to him. He said,"Don't send them." Boy don't I feel like schmuck? I have been eating horridly and my waistline is reflecting that.

Adam must be in amazing shape. No longer eating junk food, exercising like crazy, and working out when he has the time. He is going to come home all muscle and I am going to be all blobby. Great. Well at least I will be soft and cuddly.

I was so tired I almost drove off the road and I dropped my laptop on the floor. Not terribly bright. It is my turn to feed in the morning, so I will get up early and go feed then come back home and maybe go back to bed.

I have already decided in my new apartment I am going to get black out curtains so I cna sleep whenever I want. Currently, all I have are blinds. I love Ikea, I know we are going to find some great stuff there for really good prices.I am going to actually try decorating a place so it doesn't look like a bunch of college students live there. Adam said he would help. Should be exciting.

So my talk with Adam this morning was quite uneventful. He didn't have much to say, and I was sort of whiny. Lucky Adam. I get to mark another day off my calendar and I can't wait until he comes home. Duh, I wonder how many times I have said that over the course of this blog....

Anyways, despite all the caffeine I had to help me get home, I think I might be ready to try and sleep.

I have...

......killed 4 huge spiders. 4! This means that I keep thinking there is something crawling on me and nothing is there. Sigh. I got bit by a spider about a month ago and it was really gross for about 5 days. It took a long time to totally heal.

......taken your advice and cleaned my house, it feels much better. It's not totally clean, but it is way nicer. I took all the junk out of my room and put it in my living room! Yeay for the living room.

...... assembled a $20 walmart grill. It's basically a camp grill. I am sure it will work poorly when I try to make it work.

......done two loads of laundry, a load of dishes, hand washed 90% of the hand wash dishes, put away all my winter clothes, and swept the kitchen floor.

...... done some interpretive writing and drawing about why I am so out of it, and why I am so stressed out and anxious. It helped put things into perspective, but didn't really solve the feelings, just rationalized them. Meh.

...... read all my blog-roll blogs and commented where I felt like I had something useful or relevant to say.

...... eaten everything in the house. First I started out eating healthy, then I ate a bunch of crap (like cookie dough, and a couple little debbie snack cakes, and a regular coke.....) then I finished up with some healthy-ish stuff. I did end up eating pizza and coke today, Adam's two favorite foods. I think it is a little sick how I obsess about what I eat. It's such a girl thing to do. Such an American thing to do as well. Sigh. Refusing to think about it.

I am super nervous about going to the show tomorrow. I have to show by myself and I have a feeling I won't have hardly any support. I am also refusing to think about that. Yeay for coping and denial.

Note: Rereading this post I sound incredibly negative. I swear I am not that down, it's just late night syndrome, and I am alone in my house. I love reading everyone else's blogs right now. :P I figure you guys get sick of hearing me be sappy about my butthead. Some days being creative is way too much work, and I have to be simply not creative and regular. So bleh, that is the point of having a blog right? Not performing for other people. I still do. There is no where I can escape that, only Adam and my personal handwritten journal. I miss my butthead. I am sending my love to him, and to everyone who is missing THEIR butthead as well.

PS: HMC = Howl's Moving Castle

Prince Charming

I heard from Adam today just as I was getting to work he imed. Not the greatest timing, but he was as cute and sweet as ever. He got me a "temporary gift." I am not sure what a temporary gift is and if I will ahve to give it back lol but it sounds like it might be relaxing.

I have to keep this post short because I can barely see around my eye shields and it's driving me up the wall and making me irritable. I have tomorrow morning off. I am going to do all the relaxing things you guys suggested starting with cleaning the house. I need to start packing a little. I had to go into Dallas today and I had to wait out the rush hour traffic so I sat in Starbucks for a while and had a green tea latte. I love those. Coffee is too hard on me. It makes my heart race.

Anyways, best wishes to my knight in rusty armor (as he likes to call him self), and I hope I get to talk to him again soon, but for now I gotta sleep. I didn't hardly sleep last night. I had to bring out my spring comforter, when I get too hot I have bad nightmares and the last couple days I have been waking up totally sweaty and not happy. SO, I had to fix that.

PS I m going to watch HMC ..... again....