Change, but not that much change.......

People change as they get older, they grow apart, they grow together. I have always believed that if you are not actively attempting to grow towards each other you are growing away from each other. Sometimes you look at couple 30 years down the road and you realized they have grown apart and they have compromised for a long time, but the apart-ness is too big of a void.

I always try to make sure that Adam and I are doing things that are together, I play more video games now because he likes video games, and when he is home we go to the movies more. I love these things, and because he loves them to I have let that part of me be cultivated.

Living in Fort Collins now with my horses and my dogs shows me several things though. I have changed, but not that much. I still love to ride and I love to cook and I am pretty much the same person I was in high school. Caring about most of the same stuff. I mean now I want a job and more adult things, but I still find much of the same stuff I did in high school enjoyable.

When people I haven't seen for a while ask me what or how I am doing, I always say I am pretty much into the same stuff. I always think its funny when people expect other people to change. They will change, but not that much.

I am really enjoying my horses and the warm dry air here. I have a couple more pieces to fit in the puzzle and then things will be as perfect as they can get with Adam being away.

HAPPY HAPPY!

I need someone to come eat stuff! I made Banana Muffins and breakfast (eggs and bacon), I prepped chicken wings and I am going to make Halloween Cookies too. I have some stuff for pizza dough as well.

The muffins turned out well, I was hoping the aroma would awake the roomies. NSL. SO I made some bacon. They all slept another 2 hours. lol, SO anyways I am enjoying the huge kitchen in this house.

So the wing recipe I am using, is here, I haven't tried it yet, but I am baking instead of frying for the obvious reasons.

Last week I made a chocolate cake and used peanut butter frosting and I had some left over peanut butter frosting . I thought it would be fun to do homemade oreos with the frosting, AND THEN I found cookie cutters from my room mate in Halloween style. Should be fun.

Maybe I will take pictures and post them!

So I have some stuff to eat, who wants to come over? I need to find some children to borrow.

The Search...

SUCKS! I hate looking for a job. I applied to a bunch of minimum wage places today because its a job. As much as it pains me to apply for these sort of jobs, I am going to go crazy if I stay in the house any longer. I would really like the extra income as well so we can start saving some money.

I applied to a bunch of research positions, and a kennel position. Then local movie theaters.... and Starbucks. I think if a position at whole foods comes open, and maybe Kinkos, maybe best buys geek squad. I don't know I have an appointment to meet with the head of equine reproduction to talk about the masters program. I am nervous, but my roommate says he is very approachable and nice.

I want either a job that is fun, pays well, or gives me good experience for a masters. I know that sounds sort of arbitrary, but I think I am done just "getting by." I can't and won't live my whole life that way and anyone who says anything other wise is just full of bullshit and unhappy. I don't want to end up that way.

I know if I have faith the right thing will come along, but some days that seems a little difficult. My horses will be here soon and I am sure that will make everything better.

Settled In

I like Fort Collins a lot. I would almost go as far as to say.... I might just love it. Maybe. My new house is great, my roommates are nice, kitchen is huge, there is space for my horses and all my stuff.I am really comfortable there. There is a Whole Foods next to a King Soupers and where I live you can see the stars really clearly. The person who owns the house lent me a comfortable futon until my stuff gets there, which was sweet. There is horse stuff everywhere, I practically salivate when I see indoor arenas. It's gotta be some sort of disease.

On the note of the grocery stores, I do miss the commissary. I can't believe how expensive groceries are when you are shopping at whole foods. Everything just looks really good there. Sigh. So now the job hunt. I have been looking. I don't want to get a fill in job unless I have to. I have done fill in jobs and now I want something that either gives me experience or makes a lot of money or is really fun. If it doesn't fit those criteria... well I don't know. It jsut seems liek jobs you "settle" for don't make sense in the long run. You are unhappy you don't work you hate it. It's not worth it. You gotta do something you can live with day in and day out.

Today was very funny I had to pee really bad while I was driving between Fort Collins and Colorado Springs and there are no restrooms between the two places so I pulled off and there was a Four Points Sheraton. So I peed there. Most people pee at a gas station or a McDonalds. Last time I was in San Fransisco there was no place to go downtown so I went at the downtown 4 Seasons. We just walked in like we were staying there. It worked. Pretty funny huh?

Well I am in C. Springs for some wrap up of projects and then I will be headed back up to Fort Collins. I am tempted to drive home this weekend and get some meat out of my Dads freezer, but I am tryign to wait until my sister's birthday so can pick up my horse too. Well really Adam's horse. I think he might be there in 2 weekends. I am sooo excited. I gotta get back in riding shape. Things are definitely looking up!

PS Thanks to Mina for the Beautiful Flowers

So Far Away

My husband asked me today why I didn't post on my blogga more. The reason: we have been arguing and I haven't felt like "airing my dirty laundry." I can't tell if it is a big deal or not, this deployment has been strangely harder then I thought it would be, and probably my greatest fear has been realized, Adam has seemed sort of like a different person. We both love each other still the same, but it seems like love, obligation and a joint checking account are all that holds us together these days. I know when he comes home and we see each other again that it will all be better because it always is and that is part of being married to an army man. Some days it seems like quite a strain to find something to talk about that will not set us off and we both tiptoe around whatever subject is difficult and it feels like the doubt and dread is palpable. Neither us of wants to say that thing that is going to drive the other crazy and neither of us is having "Happy Sunshine-y Days." Adam has gone on way more missions then he has heard reports of from other platoons (he has gone many more missions then he has heard the "average" in a short period of time), and I have had various successes with job hunting and I am still living in a very temporary position without most of our stuff. I was really sick two weekends ago, and then last weekend it was 18 degrees here for two days, icey on the roads and the outlet valves for black and grey water on the outside of the tanks froze shut. No potty or shower for two days until it thawed. I have fixed everything so that won't happen again, but it caught me off guard and was not fun. I have to say I am not our family's best handyman.

My experiments have been going well, but my job is so transitory its hard to make myself stick to any schedule and all three dogs have managed to get sick and at various times need antibiotics. Couple that with Adam needing some errands and me needing to deal with our auto insurance and to retrieve our pod back, getting out of bed in the morning and facing the day requires large amounts of effort. The funny thing it is not like I am totally alone all day or that I don't have pretty good friends here that helped me out when all the tough stuff happens, it seems the tough happens day in and day out and I am hoping this fog will lift soon. I went to the post office yesterday and I almost lost it at this ridiculous woman complaining and being very loudly rude about the dysfunction of the post office and how health care was headed the same way and I would have loved to shout at her or slap her, but I very kindly restrained myself. Then the freaking post office clerk was upset because I didn't declare exactly how many packets of ramen (which changed the value of the box by $3.00) I was sending and told me that my box could be confiscated if I failed to correctly declare the value of the package. If customs is confiscating soup and ramen, they really have nothing good to do. I looked at her and I said, "It would be just like if it was stolen, wouldn't it?" and she shut the fuck up. Thankfully. So I let Mac poop on the post office's lawn on the way in b/c he really had to go, and I was going to clean it up on the way out when I wasn't carrying everything and trying to get Adam's papers for promotion out, but I was so frustrated on the way out that I forgot. I kinda feel like it serves them right.

It's quarter to 6 and I haven't really eaten anything worth mention and because I am sticking to my diet again (with pretty good results, I have lost almost 20 lbs -- thank GOD) I am pretty limited on what I am allowed to eat and I haven't felt like cooking at all. I did make chicken soup last night but I have already eaten it 3 times. So I feel weak from not eating, but it is so much work to find the right food and cook them that I would almost rather be weak, and I am pretty sure this is how I got sick two weekends ago from not eating enough. Of course this makes me irritable, and makes me want to escape and spend money (that we really don't have) on tv shows games and movies. So I am trying to not do that either.

I know that Adam and I will work it out we always do. I feel a little sick in my stomach knowing there is this huge rift between us and no matter how we try to make it better it just seems to get bigger. We have a long time until even midtour leave. I am trying to busy myself with things I know make me feel better, but I feel like am leaving him behind more then ever when I do that. It is a tricky situation. Intellectually, in 20 years this stuff won't seem like a big deal, but right now it's consuming my life and I hate it. It's time for him to come home, no more stop loss, no more deployment. So please someone who can do something real about it, hear and bring him home safely as soon as possible. Before we both go crazy.

Hate is a strong word.....

...but I very much dislike the weekend. Everyone goes away back into their home and families and friends. The problem with being on the go all the time is you don't have friend you hang out with regularly and you friends do have friends they hang out with regularly. You are not on that list. It's so funny to me when people wish me a good weekend. I just dread it. Oh well

So anyways, last weekend I was really sick and that was no fun at all. This weekend I need to do laundry and maybe I will take some stuff up to Fort Collins. There has just been a torrent of not so great, not bad news just not so great news. My experiment isn't going well, my horse in training that I thought was going to be great isn't doing so well (but Adam's horse is doing really well so that makes me feel good), and Adam has a lot more work then I hoped, and keeps needing me to send things. I am having trouble with the PODS thing. It's starting to get cold and I have to go back to the lab tonight. You know that feeling when making and eating dinner seems like too much work? I am there. Normally, I got buy something, but we are trying to save money so I am not going to. Things have just seemed a little in a funk like the whole world is not quite right.

I hope you all are doing better and I have to remember what goes down will come up again, so I am not too worried. If I have one true talent it is weathering the sad times, I am champion at that. If they gave out medals for it, I would get one for sure.

Anti-Loneliness Precedure

I am flat out dragging my rear exhausted. I can barely move my finger. Why you might ask do I write anyways (despite the fact that my blog was "spam blocked")? To prove my point. Adam is gone, do I sit at home and mope (or just grumble because I am locked away from posting?), NO of course NOT I get really busy. As the Craig Morgan country song goes: "Work, work, work, all day long, Crank it up, back it up, bring it on home," then my day goes feed the dogs and rush off to the next thing. I climb through the door on my little airstream and walk the 10 feet to my bed, climb in and shed my clothes, and then I lay there. I contemplate what is the latest I can get up tomorrow and still get everything done?

I keep thinking I am going to have some quiet moments to read up on some notes or fill out my lab notebook or get ahead on my procedure. Nope. No quiet minutes. I spend more time on the dogs food stuff for my sick - o puppies dogs than anything else. Then Adam will get on late and want to talk and it's all I can do to stay awake. I am too worm out ot be lonely. It's a good kinda worn out though. Rinse, Lather, Repeat. :)

This Economy

So I have been reading the Army Times lately and one thing that caught my eye was that combat veterans from the "War on Terrorism" have a super high unemployment rate: 21%. I am glad to say that Adam is applying to college after this. I mean I understand there isn't much call in the civilian world for the skills they possess, but still that means a 1/5th of combat veterans don't have jobs.

So I have been out of work lately myself and I am sure many can empathize that two people (and their dogs and their horses) living on a single income leaves a lot to be desired. So I have been trying to find a job for a variety of reason one of which is that it wouldn't hurt to have some extra cash around. I got a temporary research jobs at the college where I graduated from studying starving bacteria (otherwise known as GASPing only for my experiment we are using V. fischeri rather then E. coli) and I am enjoying it, but possibilities abound after Oct 15th-20th or so when the project should wrap up. I am going tomorrow to Fort Collins (which is not a base) to look at some rooms for rent in houses.

Place A
The first is a small house(3 bedroom / 1500 sq ft), and I would be able to rent a room for around $350, and she has a dirt arena and barn. She has agility and herding dogs and we seem to have a lot in common. There is also another "roommate" who is a horse trainer but he may not stay if I move in, if I take he spot he might have a better place to stay and would take the opportunity to break his lease. She is looking for a year lease and I have not talked to her about the necessity for a military clause yet and I don't know how she will take it.

Place B
The other place has a room for $450 and around pen and a barn and two other roommates (both women) and and pastures for the horses and a storage shed behind the house and a fenced in yard for the dogs. She also mentioned there were quite a few good close places to go riding, including trails right off the property. The women who owns this house is moving to Colorado Springs (to be with an Air Force Guy) funnily enough and internet and cable is included I believe (the other place has internet no tv). Also she mentioned that if I wanted to get my stuff out of storage she would move her living room furniture to Colorado Springs and I could move in my furniture. This will only be possible if there is quite a bit of room for furniture, but on the other side I could my very comfy queen bed back. Anything that doesn't fit will either have to be stored or gotten rid of, not to mention I will have to move it all/ figure it all out by myself. I explained to her that I am army and will break the lease if Adam comes home early, she said that was not a problem. So that was nice.

So back to the job thing I was thinking about applying for grad school. Studying for the GRE's has been brutal. I am normally pretty darn good at standardized testing, but this has not been easy at all. I have already studied over 3-4 hours and I know I am not even hitting the tip of the iceberg. I need to practice all three subjects and learn a ton of vocab and practice writing essays. I see now why people can take a year to study for this exam. I made an appointment with the career center here to get some help applying to grad school. I obviously want to go to CSU since that is where Adam will go if he gets in, which I think he has a good chance. Thought to be fair in times like these more people then ever apply to college and grad school so getting in to either school is not going to be a walk in the park.

To more fun things, I found a place to do agility tomorrow and I am scheduled for 9:15am so I am very excited. Then I have to run by the lab and check on the experiment (do a quick dilution series) then off to Fort Collins, to be back to feed a friend's fish, cats, and dogs. I am doing some house sitting in exchange for being able to use internet, cable and washing machine. :D

That's all for now, so if anyone knows anyone in the Fort Collins area that is looking to hire a biology (think research/lab) or computer science major(think programming / customer service), they say networking is the best way to get a job. Brrrrr I should get something to eat.... MMMMMMmmmm

Denial- not just a river in Egypt

So you're right ;) I haven't written in a month. I have to remember why I do this, do I do it for me or do I do it for you (dear reader lol)? A little of both, I am not going to make excuses sometimes a blog is like a commitment and I am not sure it is one I would be willing to uphold for the entire duration of the deployment.

Regardless, my excuse is that I am in denial that he left, I don't really want to believe it, but as I got all of his clean laundry back from the laundromat and I begrudgingly acknowledged that I will put his clothes away in a suitcase so I can have some more room in our tiny travel trailer and inevitably I don't want to do it, but I know I will. I am back down to the week count and in another day he will have 50 weeks left, and its better then 52 weeks and that's all I look forward to.

I am not going to lie, this deployment is easier. I know what to expect and I have faith he will come home safe and we are married so I have a lot more rights and responsibilities. I have recently stopped promising myself out to people because I realized that I was just being used as the doormat no matter how I felt about it. I am 24 years old and for once I feel like I can be "the responsible adult" without being obligated to be. I used to always feel the other way around. It comes more naturally now and its less hard (I say that as I know I have a sink full of dirty dishes). I have never really lived what I perceive as the quiet life, going home early going to bed early, reading, a lot self motivated studying, cooking, spending time with my dogs.

I am truly free to do whatever I want now. I mean I have to look after our stuff and our dogs, but beyond that I am free to roam as long as I don't spend any money lol. People just don't understand my lifestyle, they like to be anchored to something they feel like they can depend on, but really for me right now with Adam gone the only thing I can depend on is me. It used to feel desperate and lonely and it doesn't feel that way anymore. It feels quiet and peaceful, thought I have to say, it did NOT feel that way last night at 3 am when there was something from the broken awning flapping against the trailer int the howling wind scaring the dogs and keeping us all awake. I thought to myself where the heck is and why isn't he here to fix it. I dealt with it this morning. Ugh.

Anyways right after Adam left everyone (including Adam himself)called me and asked me if I was "okay." I was like sure I am "okay," how would I display not "okay"-ness? And honestly what would you do if I wasn't "okay"? My Dad gave me a big hand by staying with me after Adam left (in my little trailer!!) and helping me drive and helping me pay for somethings. it was really nice. I am here on my own blowing wherever job and housing take me. I am not so sure I want to spend Dec/ Jan in Colorado in my trailer. I know it can be done,but I am not feeling that brave and I need to get our stuff out of storage so I get all of our winter clothes out or I am going to freezer by buttocks off.

My big plan means I am just going to go with whatever works and seems to fit. I am aware that most people don't run their lives that way, but that's where I am going.

Has it really been a month?

Guilty as charged..... and on top of everything else I keep thinking of good topics to write about-- they just don't make it to the computer.

How about the fun news? Adam and I are living in an airstream rather that a house. Before I viewed it as a travesty-- now all I see it adventure. I started volunteering for the red cross and that has been pretty cool.

I guess now I am in the count down until he goes to Iraq and I have to figure out what in the world I could possibly do for a job. Adam has told me I can look anywhere in the west. I have looked in Flagstaff and Phoenix, but right now I am looking pretty seriously at Fort Collins. I just have a really hard time applying for jobs. I wish it was a little easier, I tend to sell myself short when it comes to applying for things and wrack my brain for good things to says and how to write my cover letter to its best advantage. Half the time I don't even know where to look for the job. It's so disheartening. I keep find jobs that I could do, but I just don't find very interesting and maybe I am just jaded by being able to what I want when I want. I just look at so many processes and wonder if they could be less complex. I don't know, I don't even know where to go next! I know it's crazy. When we were in Fort Collins it just felt like home. It was so calming and comforting. It just seemed like the"right" place to be. Now if I can find a job.... gulp.

Can't Sleep....

And apparently that last post I posted was my 200th! Wow. Weird. Moving on. Adam would be pissed if he knew I was up, but I just can't sleep. It's been nastily hot here and that makes it hard to eat in the evening and sleep. As far as I can tell the weather in Washington only has about 60 redeeming days throughout the whole year (my apologies to the folks here who love the weather).

So I have a great solution to the "I don't wanna pack blues" -- turn on the tv to a marathon of the show Clean House and if that doesn't make you rethink all the clutter in your life I don't really know what will. With our living situation and the unknowing of exactly when Adam is going to deploy makes me anxious. I keep looking at all these sciencey jobs that I am actually qualified for and I all I can think about is how they will take me further from my horses. The world works in mysterious ways and thankfully (and I am very grateful) thinks have always just sort of worked out for me and Adam.

Maybe my hesitancy and tendency to fear the worse by taking an indoor 9 -5 job is unfounded because it will lead to me actually being able to afford to keep a horse. I terrified of losing my riding skills by being terribly overweight (which I currently am) and by allowing my focus to drift else where. I have seen at least 3 (count them -- THREE) entry level technician jobs in Arizona, one even working under a guy who would probably be the ideal candidate to approach for a masters should I so desire. I haven't turned in any of the applications yet because I am afraid of who that would make me. Nonetheless, I am qualified in a way many people would love to be and to not go when I would probably really enjoy the job and my family could really use the money seems childish.

I know Adam doesn't care as long as I am truly happy and he keeps telling me to go for what I think is important and I keep milling around in my brain what can I do next. I mean really though will I be truly happy if we are always struggling financially? It doesn't help that my living situation and / or obligations to my little sister may or may not become very complicated. The only thing to do now is put one foot infront of the other and see what makes sense and apply for those jobs. I guess part of me worries I am not qualified, that the competition is too fierce, that I won't make the cut, so I don't even want to try-- I know that is a mistake.

One of the things that I really love about the army is the way it seems so steady. I mean I know that it is a romanticized version, but you can expect the reveille to be played in the morning for PT and that Adam will most days get lunch between 11:30 and 13:00 and base is crowded then. I love how every wears their name and their rank on their outfit so I know at a glance "who" the army says they are. I like how most people drive slower on base and stop for pedestrians. I mean don't get me wrong I think a lot of things are dumb too, but coming from a family heritage where we were never part of a community, I just can't get over and I feel extraordinarily privileged and safe on base, like I am part of the secret club. I get to shop at the special grocery store and I don't need a reason to be nice to people. Funny, huh? I guess it is just the way I was raised. Adam gives me a hard time,"If you like it so much why don't you join?" I have thought about it, but I don't think I could do it. You have to be a certain person when you join, and Adam doesn't mind being different and getting in trouble for it when he is wrong and and getting recognized for it when he is right, but I couldn't be "myself" and be a soldier I don't think. I don't know though. I would be in a different army that's for sure, I would probably be a POG and a sir, I am not sure if Adam would come to resent me.

Next Deployment......

Let's get to the point. I have begun to pack up our shit. We have a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff went to good will today. I have tried to impress upon Adam that we don't have a ton of time to get all of this stuff done so for our first 4 day together we played Fallout 3... for four days straight, stopping long enough to pack one box of books and do some laundry. I justified this in my mind by thinking,"Weellll he hasn't played in over a month....." I had no self justification. Sigh.

So today I got after it a little more, I did some more laundry, ate some healthier stuff and cleaned and threw out some old papers. Lo and behold I found the first month's letters from the first deployment. I sat down and read them and I was amazed by them. They basically deal with the time in my life that I was graduating from college and all the great stuff I thought was going to happen and the cool person I was going to be. They were very sweet. I would say, like most relationships that the brand- new-ness intensity has worn off. This deployment I will be more seasoned and Adam keeps assuring me it will be much safer.... and it will probably be a little safer. Adam ended up being shuffled around and he will be going to a slightly different place with a different job and perhaps it will be safer. Regardless I am not sure how much frantic letter writing will be going on. Last time I sent him a lot of care packages and this time I am not sure I will have the money to spend quite as much as I did last time. Besides I am going to have to come up with something more meaningful to send to him-- something more useful and exciting. If I figure out what that could possibly be I will let you know, but I am not holding my breath.

Looking at my options now and what I could have done and what I did do in this time that he has been deployed and then home, I feel like if I had done x then now I would have option y to do or use or whatever, but there is no way to have know what I know EXCEPT for to do the things I have done. It is quite hilarious, I am waiting for my BIG moment when I am going to do the super cool thing I am going to do or be or that is going to "define my life," but I am pretty sure that it is in progress to and that to get there I am just going to keep doing what I am doing -- a lot of things that are not a big deal and are non life defining. I am taking what I learned, moving forward, enjoying the time I have.

Being married means a lot of sacrifices, but I am really enjoying it. My husband is is great and thoughtful (although at times picky and childish), and I am glad we are forging ahead together. I am definitely not AS scared for this deployment and I think that is for several reasons.
1) I have done this before, fear of the unknown-- greatly lessened. 2) I have a better understanding of Army stuff in general and I am getting more comfortable around Army stuff (base included). 3) I am older and more sure of myself (wiser). There really is somethign about having seen more stuff and had more time on this planet that makes you feel more secure. Strange that. Anyways.

Off to make some elk burgers and to do soem other non-life defining earth moving moments. :)

Been Wanting To Talk

So it turns out my Mom is having an affair. Normally this is the kind of thing you keep secret-- you definitely don't air on your blog, but she told me it was perfectly "normal" and that her and husband had "agreed" it was a good idea. I am trying to pretend to accept an agreement by three consenting adults and failing. It's not just because I don't believe that those sort of relationships can (I personally don't but if it does for you.....fine) it's because I do not believe there was consent and I believe it is a childish act by all parties that will only result in misfortune.

I keep thinking that one day my Mother will grow up and not be selfish and I keep looking for the signs and they are not coming. I would like to get out of this trap. I would like to move on and look beyond my parents and see what things I am.

I have turned into a person that I never thought I would become. Yesterday I drove Adam around base all day. I came home and feel asleep at 6 pm. I don't know if I depressed or worn out and I have no idea where to go from here. It's like I am walking around in Never Never Land looking for some Ruby slippers.

On the bright side Adam and I are spending LOTS of time together and I am so happy to be spending every possible second that we have together. I mean we are having some tight finances, but who isn't right now, that's just the economy I think, and honestly if that is all the problems we have we are certainly blessed. I can't even believe how relaxing it is to have him home.

I have been thinking a lot about what to do next, I was laughing because I was talking to a friend in a similar situation and I said I was still trying to figure out "what to do after college" and he put his drink and said let's toast to that. It's so true right now. We all want more for less. I have been doing a TON of really interesting reading including, The Outliers which is basically about the circumstances how really great people had the opportunities to be great. I read Gang Leader for A Day which was about a guy who investigated the projects (Robert Taylor Homes) of Chicago for 6 years as a socioloigst. I am in the process of reading Hot, Flat, and Crowded by Thomas Freidman and he brought up the most disturbing point about Americans are funding both sides of the war on terrorism as we buy gas from the Saudis and the Saudis fund all sorts of fundamental religious groups and then we fight the war with tax payer dollars. It does seem like a bad circle. It makes me want to do something drastic about the way we consume oil in the US.

Anyways sitting around like I have been makes my brain overflow with ideas and they are overflowing onto my blog. I think I might start another blog just to pull together some ideas from each of these books. I feel like a conspiracy theorist when I write that there has to be some way to pull all of this information and ideas together to make sense and be meaningful. I mean honestly who cares about this if we are just reading about it and sitting on our asses? We keep gathering all this data and what does it mean? It's just more useless words if it doesn't do something for us, other then being interesting.

Anyways more on this later, I am working on finding the meaning of my life. :)

Temptation

"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil....."

So I am in Vermont visiting my family and I spent a couple years here in high school so I am catching up with old friends and it is great to see them. I have friend that I was pretty close with when I lived here and her husband is a truck driver so he is a way a lot. We have another mutual friend that she hangs out with A LOT. He is funny and good looking, maybe gay -- maybe not we don't ask -- he dates girls occasionally, but is very talented and artistic, where as her husband is the strong, silent type. Very loyal, but not very charismatic.

Anyways a couple days ago her husband when out of town and both him and I were invited over to her house. They were very friendly and I had hung out with them earlier in the week as well, and they are always together, eating lunch and spending time at each other's house. Sometimes he will stay in her spare bedroom, because he lives a half an hour away and if he gets drunk he just stays over. They are huggy, but it doesn't seem like they are having an affair per se. People here in this community are very close to each other and have known each other since they were 4 and they are closer to each other than I am to alot of my friends. Their parents know each other and their grandparents know each other etc etc.

I don't know about you guys, but when Adam is away I am very careful how friendly I am with other men. I would not ever want to give anyone a reason to even suspect me of being unfaithful, and I honestly do not want to put my self in any sort of situation where one thing could lead to another. When I hang out with them I don't drink and I go home early. I feel like they think I am being sort of prudish, but I jsut can't risk anythign out of the ordinary. I get lonely really easily and I am not willing to take a risk for anyone to take advantage of that.

Do you guys think I am being silly? Does any one else feel this way when their husbanmd is gone? You think I am being too judgemental? Can they really be just friends?

Freedom?

So the other day I was really depressed because I didn't want to start traveling and so I called my Dad. My Dad is trying to refrain from giving me advice for a month. It's hard for me because I ALWAYS ask EVERYONE what they think and what they think I should do. Now I have to make decisions on my own. What he did tell me was that I had to do what my heart told me and I knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't really packed or ready and I really wanted to stay with Adam for another week. So I told my Mom I had car troubles and away we went. So now I am cleaning the house and doing some cooking and spending some time with Adam and it feels really good that stayed just a little longer. I am such a procrastinater.

Anyways- just thought I would do my next set of wishes in the form of newspaper classifies.

Looking 4 fun BBQ friend to share summer nights. Must enjoy game meats, like to try experimental cooking and have an appetite, occasional alcohol guzzling optional. Prefer people who don't mind trashy houses and shelties.

Looking 4 like minded dogwalking buddies. Preferably someone who likes long walk in pretty places with well mannered dogs. Someone who doesn't mind gab sessions and will help me avoid high calorie cute coffee shops a plus.

I am doing all this cooking because I love summer and I love there being lots foods to eat, but Adam isn't much of an eater. I have been reading in Real Simple and other placed about people trading services. I wish I could trade some one for dinners.

When I shared a house with 4 other girls in college 3 of us would trade off dinners. That was pretty fun. We all got to eat all kinds of good food, but only had to make dinner once a week. It was really fun. Like a dinner club.

Well, I am hoping the commissary is open by now because we need somethings. Maybe I will take the dogs to the dog park while I am out. See you around.

Hiding Out

I have been hiding out. I do this occasionally when I feel guilty or overwhelmed, I jsut stick my head in the sand like and ostrich and hope the world will go away. Let me tell you its about as effective as an ostrich methods too. I decided to quit my yarn job and I feel like I am letting a lot of people down. It's not making money and although working hard, I am finding myself in quite a bit of debt. Not Fun. On top of that I am not having fun. I am realizing it was not my dream to do it, it was someone else in my families who really pushed me to do it and now and I feel pretty let down, both by myself and by some people in my family. I know it never works out to do business with family and I did it anyways.

This amazing great cool fantastic thing about the whole deal is: I am free for a whole year. I think I Adam and I are going to pack up all our stuff and give it away or put it in storage and we are going to update my Dad's airstream trailer and I am going to live in that until I find a place I want to settle in for a time. Maybe I will stay for the whole year. It is usually around $400 a month to park the airstream at a place so I will be saving on rent for sure and I will always have a place for the dogs, I won't have to worry about finding a place for them to stay. I am hoping I will learn a lot about what I do and do not need in my life to be happy. It's only a 34 ft trailer (which is big for an airstream), but all my stuff isnot going to fit in there that is for sure. Adam and I started talking about what we could store and what we could get rid. It amazed me how much stuff when have in our house. I mean really what can I live without?

So I have a lot of loose ends to clean up and people to pay and pacify and explain, and I am not looking forward to any of it. I have to get on the road today to drive to Arizona and meet my Mother to start coming clean with all the stuff I owe.Adam says to grit my teeth and get it done and then I will feel better about it and he is right, but those first couple of steps are going to be yucky.

Anyways, you will probably be hearing more from me because when I am away from Adam I tend to blog more. (He has some army readiness test for a month).

It starts again....

And I can already feel this deployment starting to creep under my skin. We got the packing list. We started rounding up all his sh*t. I am ready to put my head in the sand and wait for it to all be over.

Two weekends ago Adam's car was hit by another driver straight on the wheel. No body damage, all the force went straight into the wheel and the guide bars/ axle/ suspension. Everyone has been dragging their feet (other car- insurance- us) about getting fixed, us because we are so busy and because, Adam didn't think there was much damage and didn't call the police at the time and we had to file a belated police report. UGH. So we are down to one car. Drive Adam to work. Bring Adam lunch. Drive Adam home. I am not stressed out. Run my business. I just don't feel like working, I don't think that is army related, I think that is just every day laziness. :)

After I drove Adam to work this morning I went and worked out at the gym. My guilt reservoir is just growing in leaps and bounds. I just have to face the reality I can't live my life and Adam's too. It just makes me so angry that I don't have time to ride and I don't have a place to do everything that I want to do. I mean I thought we were all in pursuit of happiness, but it blows my mind the convoluted hoops we have to jump through to buy a house, and by the way, my income 'doesn't count' because my business is a year old. Forget buying a house with any land.
Somehow my expensive liberal arts degree isn't some magical ticket to wealth and freedom like I imagined. Ha, how funny. The problem is I can't seem to find the 100% will to do the whole kit and caboodle. I have been doing yarn all my life and I have a hard time going back to ground zero. Learning curves suck.

Anyways rant aside, I spoke to a good friend recently who was working hard to get into med school, despite being a horrible test taker, and she, being and awesoem photographer, wanted to go on an around the world trip to study midwivery in Jordan. She wrote grant proposal after grant proposal. For a year and a half. And got rejected time and time again. She got back from Jordan 3 days ago, she got accepted into John Hopkins and was offered a scholarship from Boston University. Despite being a little lonely, she is single and happy. Her life is falling into place. My life used to do that. I realized it is time to step and have some paitence and let the pieces fall where they may. Paitence is not my strong point.

I think I am looking to settle in. I am ready to have a place and more purpose. So now we have come full circle. That complaint that I always have: purpose. Nothing seems to give me purpose. I mean Adam, and my horses. I am sure someday my kids will as well. I just can't have it all? I can't have the super intellectual high powered job, the out of the way house where I do a ton of home cooking, the well renouned horse breeding ranch where I have all the top notch show ans work horses, and the stay at home freedom to what ever strikes my fancy. If any knows where I can find that I would be ever so greatful. I don't want to pick one. So limiting. Ever feel there is not enough time in life to squelch all your ambitions?

:)

Off!

I am leaving for Atlanta for a trade show this week. I am exhausted. Usually I get more help getting ready for shows. This week Adam has barely made it home in time to eat sleep and do it all again the next morning. This frustrates me to no end. He tries, he really tries-- it's not his fault at all. He tries to come home and be helpful and help me pick up the house and make and eat dinner. Really though-- all both of us want to do is just chill out and rest. Take a load off and relax. Not happening in this house, busy busy busy. It is going to have to slow down before he deploys.

I am so tired and I have a to do list 8 miles long this morning before I catch my flight. I have no idea how I am going to get it all done, but best foot forward. I am not really looking forward to his training days getting longer and longer, which I am sure they will. I am going to leave him a huge list of stuff to do while I am gone and maybe he will have time to get to some of it, if not I am definitely not stressing about it. I just had to take a brief minute blog, update, and get myself clearheaded and on track again.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty overwhelmed by everything and so at lunch I took one of our dogs for a brisk 30 minute hilly walk / hike and that seemed to calm me down considerably.

I am very forcibly making Adam stick to a budget that we agreed on, but being the enforcer all the time is a little exhausting. I gave him an earful last night about eating healthy and he seemed pretty dejected and while I felt bad, it isn't stuff we haven't discussed before. I know he doesn't need to hear that when he comes home and is tired, but by the same token, when does he have "time"? Sometimes these things come up at just inopportune times, and when I am as stressed out as he is, I don't have time to sugarcoat everything... Unfortunately, the reality is our life is stressful right now and while I don't want to focus on that so much and stress Adam out I need him to be aware that we have stuff to do and it's not all flowers and butterflies. Tough.

Anyways- I have been kind of grouchy lately and I hope that it "magically clears up" very soon. I am bummed about spending time away from Adam, because I miss him TERRIBLY when we are apart, but at the same time I have a lot of fun at yarn show selling yarn and meeting people. I like to see the reactions on their faces when they see my product. The best is when Adam comes to the yarn shows, but he rarely can get off to do that.

Toodle-loo

Here we go again!

How does the housework in your family? In ours, both and neither. I work pretty much full time and beyond and we all know Adam does as well. We do laundry when we have no clean clothes and do dishes when they pile up. I have been doing some massive cooking and some cleaning and Adam pitches in around the edge, but Go--am, our house is always a mess!

I hate hate hate it. Can't bring people over because that would involve cleaning the house. We try, and we do a big once through of the house, but we are limited about how much trash we are allowed to throw out each week. It is so expensive to get rid of trash here I can see why people let the trash build up around the house.

My other problem is, I never really fully move into a house, I know I am going to have to move again. Which is why I am being such a pain about wanting to buy my next house. Then I can take out the stupid shit the people before me left behind. The house we are in has too many wall and too many tiny closets that you can barely put anything in.

Adam and I are both the "go" people--we are always going going going. Add to the fun of we are always constantly looking for stuff. We use but don't always put it back. Yesterday I asked Adam if he could help with some housework and he looked at me and said,"Myna, I have to have downtime sometime." He is right, he just came off a 24 hour CQ shift and he has had a chance to relax since the weekend before when we ran errands all weekend. It's been a zoo.

It's just overwhelming really. Sigh, anyways I have to do some real work. Yesterday I worked until 7:3o at night and I came and Adam had fallen asleep playing pokemon with no dinner.

How do you guys manage this stuff?

Second

When you are in the army life you are second. It is the way it is, the way it turns out at the end of the day. No matter what they say or promise or do. You are second, just like Non-Essential Equipment says in her intro. We are non essential.

Tonight we were sitting around the desk at CQ and the boys were talking about how the wives don't get it. On one level they are right, no matter how many books I read, shows I watch, questions I ask, I will never get it. Whatever it is. I get that "in the field" means they can't see you even if they are only 10 miles away. CQ means they can't be distracted and they can't leave the desk. I get it.

But then when is OUR time? When is our time not ruled by the army? When is the non arbitrary/stupidness time? Not now. Later maybe, but don't hold your breath. I am not angry, just observing. It is not about getting it, we don't get it because we don't to get it. No one wants to sit home alone at night, soldiers find ways to bend rules to keep wives happy, to keep peace on the homefront. In general, no we don't get it, because I for one, don't want to be reminded every second of every day, that I am the not main part of his life. I am the second part and for right now no matter how much either of us wish or don't to be true it is a reality. His army people spend more waking hours with him then I do as a general rule. Maybe some day this will be different for us.

Everytime I hear a civilian complain about their lives I jsut want to smack them across their face. You are choosing your lives. We are choosing as well, our choices are more limited and often have more serious consequences. When you marry into an army life youa re choosing the unfair life. The life where his job take precedence over your lives. So be ready. I get it. I don't want to get it, but I think I do for the most part.

So the "I do"

So we rented this Beachhouse is Hoodsport, WA because it was recommended to us and CHEEAPP! When we got there we were pleasantly surprised to find it was gorgeous. All wood interior (well you will see the the pictures). Very campy and homey feel. We thought it was perfect all around. It is right on the water with a glassed in front. We ended up getting married on the equinox, March 21st, which I thought was really cool. Adam and I do balance each other out.

So we go for the pre wedding meeting, and Adam doesn't watch Wedding shows so he doesn't really understand how it generally goes. We decide to do appetizers instead of a still down meal, so I am trying to pick finger foods, and Adam wants Mac and Cheese. I say, "Adam you can't eat Mac and cheese with your hands at a Wedding." But the planner says she will try and work it in. So we are looking around and there is a fire place, and she says we can have a fire ( I ended up forgetting the skewers for smores). Adam says,"We should have the ceremony at High tide!" Both the officiant and I look at him and say,"What!?!?!" That could be at like 3 am...." So my little sister Cheyenne was there and I was saying the wedding should take place at 3 pm and Adam wanted it at 4 pm, he looked at me pleadingly and said,"Can we compromise and have it at 3:30?" So I looked at him and said,"Sure." Everyone Came -Even Scout! (picture Above)

Cheyenne was very confused, "What difference does it make 3:30 or 3?" and the planner and I looked at each other, and then looked at Adam and I said,"Now Adam has helped plan some part of the wedding by choosing the wedding time, we will at least let him have that." It was very funny. At another point we were talking about how to seat people at the wedding and I said,"Let's just push all the tables together and make one big table," and then Adam said,"Yeah think picnic, not wedding." It was very funny.
Here is the "picnic not wedding" (picture above)


Adam loves martinelli, which is that sparkling apple cider (for the kids for the toasts) and it was on sale at WalMart by the case. So we bought a case of it for the wedding and Adam proceeded to taste it a little bit everyday before the wedding. Fortunately we had bought a case.

So we get there and it is beautiful and sunny and the guys are talking about Adam's mini and the girls are hanging out. I steal away my Dad to have some Jenna- Dad time. Everyone's excited. Adam and his mini (left/above)

Us "at the alter" - Melissa has my Bouquet
Then everyone shows up and we get dressed and the whole thing begins. I had a bouquet of tulips, they were very pretty. Tulips are my favorite flower, in fact Adam brought me some before the wedding.We when and stood at the altar and immediately started to cry. Typical Jenna. The officiant said, "Don't cry, or I will cry too". We sad out vows and exchanged rings. It was a pretty long ceremony, it was sweet, but I found myself thinking,"How much longer do I have to not cry?"When it was time for Adam to put on my ring his had was shaking so badly, it was cute. Then we kissed and had a small party.

Adam and I Right After the Ceremony


Adam doesn't like to dance so instead we bought tons of board games for everyone to hang out and play (like Apples to Apples). WE brought coloring books and crayons and Rock Em Sock Em and just all kinds of fun stuff. Everyone played Apples to Apples for long time.



We ate a little bit and then we cut the cake. I was going to smoosh cake on Adam's face when we did the cake, but he ate it to quick, as soon as it was in his mouth he grabbed it! Then he proceeded to smear frosting all over my face. :( I am sad that I missed my opportunity to smoosh him in the face with cake. In the picture to the right I just found out we were going to cut the cake and I was scheming. The cake is at the top of the picture. The top layer was Vanilla with raspberry filling and the bottom was Chocolate with Peanut Butter filling. SOOO GOOOOD. I highly recommend the chocolate peanut butter. I did that because Adam doesn't like cake, but loves Reeses. So I thought that maybe he would like that. The planner had never had a request for it and had to ask the baker if she could do it, but I bet the baker uses that combo again

Then we did toasts and everyone did very kind, thoughtful, loving toasts. My Dad, My Mom, Adam's brother Eric, a family friend Tom and Adam's Stepfather Harry. It really was perfect. I couldn't have wished for a better day with better people.

Me At the End of the Day

The Furries! -- Backpost #3

So if you have ever seen that CSI, you should know it's not that kind of furry.

Back in December, my Mom gave us one of her dogs named Scouter. He is a 3 year old tri color black sheltie. He is a sweetie. He grew up in a house with 2 other dogs and so we figured he was kind of lonely. So we decided to get a companion sheltie. So we started looking. Not very many dogs in our area. So finally we found one we liked in Arizona and we put a deposit down. About a day later my Mom called and she had purchase a puppy for me and told me to go pick it up. So now I have two puppies and Scouter. They couldn't be more different either. Mac is an "over the breed standard" bi Black (he looks like a order collie) and he is huge and cuddly. He weighs about 25 lbs right now maybe more. Shelby ( original name Cocoa) is an "under the breed standard" dog and she is a sable (think Lassie) and she weighs about 6 lbs.

Both puppies are about 16 weeks ( Mac being two weeks older) so are at an age where they are easier to housetrain. There were a lot of accidents in the beginning (thank you Adam's Mom for the steam cleaner), but we have been accident free for 2 days! They are pretty damn cute. Adam has been in the field so Jenna has been potty training them. This sometimes involves getting up at 2 am if a puppy wants to go out. I love them dearly though.

The FRG -- Backpost #1

OMG -- So a couple weeks back we went to a frg meeting on post. It was the Wednesday before we got married.

Adam warning me and prepping me for the meeting, "There will be someone our age (24) that has at least 5 kids. You have to be nice to the big cheese, DO NOT use the term butter bar, he will not think its funny."

I was like okay I am ready for anything. I was wrong. Adam and I were the only couple in the whole freaking room not married, I was a little embarressed. It seemed like most of the other wives knew each other. That was okay, I was still okay at that point. They talked about the training and the deployment and gave me a copy of Adam's schedule, which was good. At least he doesn't have to hear me complain about it, when the army gives me a schedule I know there is no way he can get out of it.

So apparently many of the women had requested to find our more about the educational programs available to them so they had a Army Educational Councilor Service Person Helper Teacher Dude (AECSPHTD --look my first army acronym aren't you proud?) come to speak with us. So he asks how many graduated highs school, pretty much everyone raises their hand, then who has had some college (several hands go down), who has a degree (pretty much all but two hands go down- mine and a woman about 3 seats down). So the AECSPHTDude says to her, oh what did you get your degree in and what do you do now? She said, "I have a degree in Biochem from the University of Washington and I teach junior high math and science". He wanted to know if she had a masters, turned out not, and told she could get her credentials through the Army if she wanted. She pointed out it wold be hard to do a masters program with a hubby deployed, 2 small children and working full time. He was kind of pushy.

He turns to me,"What did you get your degree in?" "I doubled majored in computer science and biology and know I run a small business." I replied.

Then he said it:"It is interesting that you both got such techincal degrees and then didn't do anything with them." If looks could kill, he would be dead. Adam looked over at me and gave me the "Jenna be good" look so I smiled, looked down at my knitting, and took a deep breath and remembered we were there for Adam.

Several Thoughts about the comment that I couldn't say at the meeting, but I sure as hell can say here:
Who the hell do you think you are? What did you get your degree in and what is it you tell people you do at the ripe age of 50? I bet your Mother in Law loves to hear about your fantastic job.
Obviously, all of us milspouses married for the money and prestige.
Finally, what the fuck sort of amazing techy job are we supposed to get where we move every year or so? I am sure our employers will just think thats a great deal.
I was so pissed, but I let go, I just realized he has no idea what is coming out of his mouth.

Oh and by the way, the couple sitting in front of us was prego with kid numbero 5. I am so glad Adam and I don't have any kids yet, it is one thing for me to be sad during a deployment, but I think being a single Mom while he was away and trying to comfort the kids would be too much for me to handle. I know lots of people do it, but wow, not for me, at least not now.

Sparkly and I do

I have been hiding. I have been wanting to write in my blog, but not wanting to acknowledge the very real fact that Adam is going and I am going to need all you guys again. I am going to sit in front of my computer at night (with my 3 dogs) and miss him like crazy. Maybe I will be in a better area and make more friends. I am hoping for that.

Anyways. Once I found out he was going and became rational again, my first thought was I am not doing this again as "the girlfriend." So I turned to Adam and said,"If you are going back I think we should get married." He said,"Okay, when?" I smiled and said,"As soon as possible." So a good friend of ours had gone to the court house and just married. No hulabaloo no nothing. So I told my Dad I was getting married in a week and he freaked out. "At least wait until I can come!" he said. So I realized at that point that I was going to have to invite other people. I knew Adam's Mom would really want to be there, and probably my Mom too. My Mom insisted that it be on a weekend because she couldn't be there on a Friday. Then Adam's family offered to throw a rehearsal dinner" and we said sure. At one point Adam and I were getting out of the car, as I was trying to figure out how to do a Saturday wedding on short notice and find a suitable restaurant for the dinner, and I turned to Adam and said,"This has turned into a thing!!!!" He laughed and said, "Yes it has."

So that he proposed to me with a ring that had been a family heirloom piece and it is sooo very beautiful. ( I have a picture of it I will post it at some point). So I found an officiant and she knew place and said she could put the whole wedding together for under $1000. She knew a baker that could do a great fondant cake for a good price.

We went to get the wedding license (you have othave it for 3 days before you can get married) and went ring shopping which was really fun.

Everyone came to town (about 20 people). In fact I didn't invite anyone personally, I told people and they decided whether or not they were comming. It seemed to work well, people who could not stay away came which was kind of fun.

This is enough for one post, I will write about the wedding itself later when I can dig up some pictures. :)

--------- Just as a side note-- I probably have about 50 posts in my head that never made it to the blog.... so I might be sort of random for a while. Adam doesn't allow the computer into the bed room anymore so less made it on to paper------------

Worst News Ever

Guess I am going to be wrting a lot again. Adam's been stop lossed. He is going to redeploy to Iraq this summer. Obama's new schedule has changed the deployment dates by a year! His deployment date got moved up by a whole year. He was supposed to be able to A Cap and get out this fall, maybe Nov or Dec at the earliest, now, not until next fall.

I am just beside myself. I have no clue wha to think or how ot react or what to do next. This sucks.

The Pancake Experiment

OK so this morning while Adam was sleeping I got up because I couldn't sleep. It was 6:30 and an hour and a half LATER then when I usually get up.

So I bought blueberries on sale (and felt slightly guilty because they were obviously imported from somewhere warmer-- so much for eating locally) and when I asked Adam if he liked blueberries (because there is hardly any food that you can actually grow that he likes) and he said, "I like blueberries in pancakes." I said ok and threw two cartons in the cart. i took one to work and the other I made into pancakes this morning.

I have this thing about doing "the best" thing or being really "efficient." I wasn't sure whether the non stick would cook the pancakes better or my All Clad Copper core frying pan (it's from a set I stole from my Dad) would cook them better. When I make pancakes here is what always happens. The first batch is just a little under cooked, the second round is burned and the third is okay, but no one wants any more cuz they are full.

Well after cooking pancakes on the 2 pans side by side, I would have to say that although the non stick pan easier to clean up, the all clad pan seems to cook them more evenly and won this round.

I finally woke Adam up and force fed him lots of pancakes. :: evil::

He is pretty sore from all the army pt stuff. He layed on the floor in the living room for a while whining about how much her hurt. :P I made him do dishes anyways.... :D

We are enjoying our one day off watching television. :)

Pruis

So for those of you who don't know. I crashed Adam's prius. I totalled it. Apparently everything that is expensive on a prius is in the left corner of the car. So if you are going to wreck on, wreck the right side.

No one got hurt beyond my pride. I wasn't paying enough attention and I was looking down at the radio and I looked up and there was a truck stopped in front of me. I rear ended it and then it hit another truck. Bad News Bears. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO the insurance is going to cover it. Adam and I aren't sure what we are going to do. Right now we are sharing a car. It sucks.

Since I started a new job that starts at 6 am. I am working at a company called WatchMeGrow.com and if you log in and watch the demo you can see the back of me at work all day long. So I am working 40 hours a week in addition to my yarn business which I could easily work at 50 -60 hours a week. Needless to say Adam is not pleased with me working so much. I have about 10 hours worht of work before bed. Needless to say I am not going to get to it. I could get off my lazy butt and dye the last bit of yarn, but i am not going to. Maybe I will go to bed and get a jump on tomorrow?

Politics at Adam's job aren't making me very happy and I am hoping things clear up soon. Recently there was an incident that involved Adam going to the MP station in handcuffs and when all the proper commanders were called in (off leave so you can imagine how happy they were), Adam was walking out free and clear while the accuser was stripped of rank and in cuffs himself. Anyways what was suppoed to be morning work turned into all day work. Not fun.

Things are good, Adam and I have a new addition to the family, we have a dog now his name is Scouter. He is sheltie, he is a present from my mother. He and Adam have been fast friends and he sleeps with us every nite..... He is awfully cute.

I can't even get to a point anyways. UGH, nighto nighto