Can't Sleep....

And apparently that last post I posted was my 200th! Wow. Weird. Moving on. Adam would be pissed if he knew I was up, but I just can't sleep. It's been nastily hot here and that makes it hard to eat in the evening and sleep. As far as I can tell the weather in Washington only has about 60 redeeming days throughout the whole year (my apologies to the folks here who love the weather).

So I have a great solution to the "I don't wanna pack blues" -- turn on the tv to a marathon of the show Clean House and if that doesn't make you rethink all the clutter in your life I don't really know what will. With our living situation and the unknowing of exactly when Adam is going to deploy makes me anxious. I keep looking at all these sciencey jobs that I am actually qualified for and I all I can think about is how they will take me further from my horses. The world works in mysterious ways and thankfully (and I am very grateful) thinks have always just sort of worked out for me and Adam.

Maybe my hesitancy and tendency to fear the worse by taking an indoor 9 -5 job is unfounded because it will lead to me actually being able to afford to keep a horse. I terrified of losing my riding skills by being terribly overweight (which I currently am) and by allowing my focus to drift else where. I have seen at least 3 (count them -- THREE) entry level technician jobs in Arizona, one even working under a guy who would probably be the ideal candidate to approach for a masters should I so desire. I haven't turned in any of the applications yet because I am afraid of who that would make me. Nonetheless, I am qualified in a way many people would love to be and to not go when I would probably really enjoy the job and my family could really use the money seems childish.

I know Adam doesn't care as long as I am truly happy and he keeps telling me to go for what I think is important and I keep milling around in my brain what can I do next. I mean really though will I be truly happy if we are always struggling financially? It doesn't help that my living situation and / or obligations to my little sister may or may not become very complicated. The only thing to do now is put one foot infront of the other and see what makes sense and apply for those jobs. I guess part of me worries I am not qualified, that the competition is too fierce, that I won't make the cut, so I don't even want to try-- I know that is a mistake.

One of the things that I really love about the army is the way it seems so steady. I mean I know that it is a romanticized version, but you can expect the reveille to be played in the morning for PT and that Adam will most days get lunch between 11:30 and 13:00 and base is crowded then. I love how every wears their name and their rank on their outfit so I know at a glance "who" the army says they are. I like how most people drive slower on base and stop for pedestrians. I mean don't get me wrong I think a lot of things are dumb too, but coming from a family heritage where we were never part of a community, I just can't get over and I feel extraordinarily privileged and safe on base, like I am part of the secret club. I get to shop at the special grocery store and I don't need a reason to be nice to people. Funny, huh? I guess it is just the way I was raised. Adam gives me a hard time,"If you like it so much why don't you join?" I have thought about it, but I don't think I could do it. You have to be a certain person when you join, and Adam doesn't mind being different and getting in trouble for it when he is wrong and and getting recognized for it when he is right, but I couldn't be "myself" and be a soldier I don't think. I don't know though. I would be in a different army that's for sure, I would probably be a POG and a sir, I am not sure if Adam would come to resent me.