So you're right ;) I haven't written in a month. I have to remember why I do this, do I do it for me or do I do it for you (dear reader lol)? A little of both, I am not going to make excuses sometimes a blog is like a commitment and I am not sure it is one I would be willing to uphold for the entire duration of the deployment.
Regardless, my excuse is that I am in denial that he left, I don't really want to believe it, but as I got all of his clean laundry back from the laundromat and I begrudgingly acknowledged that I will put his clothes away in a suitcase so I can have some more room in our tiny travel trailer and inevitably I don't want to do it, but I know I will. I am back down to the week count and in another day he will have 50 weeks left, and its better then 52 weeks and that's all I look forward to.
I am not going to lie, this deployment is easier. I know what to expect and I have faith he will come home safe and we are married so I have a lot more rights and responsibilities. I have recently stopped promising myself out to people because I realized that I was just being used as the doormat no matter how I felt about it. I am 24 years old and for once I feel like I can be "the responsible adult" without being obligated to be. I used to always feel the other way around. It comes more naturally now and its less hard (I say that as I know I have a sink full of dirty dishes). I have never really lived what I perceive as the quiet life, going home early going to bed early, reading, a lot self motivated studying, cooking, spending time with my dogs.
I am truly free to do whatever I want now. I mean I have to look after our stuff and our dogs, but beyond that I am free to roam as long as I don't spend any money lol. People just don't understand my lifestyle, they like to be anchored to something they feel like they can depend on, but really for me right now with Adam gone the only thing I can depend on is me. It used to feel desperate and lonely and it doesn't feel that way anymore. It feels quiet and peaceful, thought I have to say, it did NOT feel that way last night at 3 am when there was something from the broken awning flapping against the trailer int the howling wind scaring the dogs and keeping us all awake. I thought to myself where the heck is and why isn't he here to fix it. I dealt with it this morning. Ugh.
Anyways right after Adam left everyone (including Adam himself)called me and asked me if I was "okay." I was like sure I am "okay," how would I display not "okay"-ness? And honestly what would you do if I wasn't "okay"? My Dad gave me a big hand by staying with me after Adam left (in my little trailer!!) and helping me drive and helping me pay for somethings. it was really nice. I am here on my own blowing wherever job and housing take me. I am not so sure I want to spend Dec/ Jan in Colorado in my trailer. I know it can be done,but I am not feeling that brave and I need to get our stuff out of storage so I get all of our winter clothes out or I am going to freezer by buttocks off.
My big plan means I am just going to go with whatever works and seems to fit. I am aware that most people don't run their lives that way, but that's where I am going.
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2 comments:
Yeah, I'd get outa the trailer before winter hits. otherwise - hey, as long as you are safe, as long as the animals are taken care of, as long as you are happy in yourself - that's what you need right now.
LAW
I hope all is going well for you and dont forget you have me here even though I am halfway across the country. :) You are always welcome here. (Oh and Chase turned 3 this week!)
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