Wow.... What is "home"?

I have to say that house sitting is hard for me in a very funny way. When you house sit you step into someone else's life. You get into their routines and do they things they normally do to maintain their life. It's weird, you get to look at the choices they made and see what rituals they have that bring them joy or peace or maybe just order to the chaos of life.

House sitting at the ranch is such a good experience for me because it shows me how much I will really do if I have the facilities and horses just outside the front door. No one but me to set my agenda. I have to say the last couple of days have been super disorienting for me. I have had a bunch of free time and I haven't really known what to do with it. The weather has been amazing and everyone has been doing outside things with their friends. I am ready to get back to that. I have a lot of website work I can do and I have been doing a quite a bit. There is some family stuff that has been weighing on me kind of heavily. I could play World of Warcraft or do some of my other hobbies, like braiding mecates. I am just trying not to get into anything just yet. So as a result I have been watch a lot of television. I sure as hell can't sit idle. I will go crazy. I feel like I have to choose what it is I am going to put my effort into, so I am satisfied, whether it is knowing the plot line of a TV show, know what bosses drop what in various dungeons, or having a error free mecate when I am done.

I think this feeling that I get (that I don't have a good word for so I will make one up... um purposeful-time-using-ness of PTUN for short :) ) directly ties in with my sense of WHO AM I. I think that is one of the things that contributes to the difficulties of dating the military. You move to be where they are stationed to build who you are around what they have to do. I think that is a challenge today for many people (especially women) who are taught and want to go out earn their own living, follow their own dreams. Sometimes it is hard to figure out how to do that and be with the person you love. Could I be a person who was just there for Adam what ever he needed and work entirely around the constructs of his job? Yeah I think I could, I don't think, however that I could ever let that stop me from doing the things I want to do. Somethings will be put on the back burner of course. Things that cut into the amount of time I have to spend with Adam will just not happen. Instead, I will find the minutes of time when I can't be with him to work in stuff that I like. From those pieces who I am with Adam will start to emerge.

I think it can be overwhelming when you know everything is going to change. Well not everything, but you have to choose what is going to change. What parts of my life am I going to keep and bring to Washington? What parts am I going to leave behind? I look at all the stuff in my house and I think, which of these things of mine are going to be comforting to have, and which of these things is just going to be more crap to carry, wash and take care of?

I feel pretty attached to my house in Texas I realized when I came to house sit. I miss my bed and my space away from the world. It can feel like a lonely prison sometimes lol, but on the other side of once I get inside and lock the doors, no one can bother me unless I let them. Adam still won't have that option when he gets back, if the army beckons he will have to go. I don't that sharing space with Adam will be hard for me. I prefer to live with someone always. I don't have that need to totally be alone like other people do. I really enjoyed living with people my senior year of college, and I do miss my roommates a lot. Just having a "home" place is what is important. It's less of a get away from other people thing and a more of a go to a place I feel like I belong thing.

My Dad asked me why I went looking for apartments so soon and part of it was the anticipation and the fact that bunches and bunches of people will all be coming home around the same time and I wanted to make sure we got an apartment. The other part of it was I wanted to make sure I had a place to have away from the outside world. Washington isn't home to me, so having a little place I can make my home however that may be is mission critical. So when Adam has to leave or can't come home or I don't understand the army or the way something has to happen, I have someplace to go thats neutral to try and figure out what is going on out there.

I think a lot of other women who are dating military guys have similar problems. To pick up and move, to work around his schedule, to find a job that pays well that stimulates you or motivates you. I am enjoying this stay here at the ranch, I wish I could sleep in my own bed, but having the horses close is really really nice.

Now I just have to figure out what I want from this experience and try to make that happen. This is really a great opportunity for me to test this out with out spending a small fortune doing it lol.

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