JennaEvolution

Who I am has always been a really important thing to me. I want to believe I am the type of person who is honest or the type of person who speaks out when they feel injustice or WHATEVER. But recently I haven't been that person. I thought I was someone who was rising above the muck and back biting people do and the ridiculous insecurities that people have. I thought I was steady, and stuck to my guns and reasonable, without letting my emotions getting the better of me. Turns out I am just like everyone else. Shock. It's seems that I am mediocre and human just like everyone else on this planet.

I was watching Grey's Anatomy today on itunes now that it has FINALLY RETURNED and I thought the theme of the show was very similar to what I have been feeling. Sometimes some of the process I engage in seems like such rhetoric. Some days it points out just how average I am truly am. I try to be exceptional, but God only made me human and that is all I will ever be able to be. I cannot seem to stop striving for super human. I do have to say though I feel like the world does get a little more in my head every day. I add something to my collection of the understanding of the world, even if it is how I will never understand it completely, or how something falls into the category of the realm of stuff that makes no sense to me. Lots of things fall into that category.

Something about the bad time I had about two weekends ago has changed me. Made me more "adult", less afraid, more sure of what I want. I don't know if that is a good thing. I don't know if I am finally taking responsibility for myself now that I am done with college. Maybe I am going through a normal part of the growing up process, or just the getting older process. Or if maybe I have let go of the person I was trying to preserve to so that Adam could relate to me. I am not sure if I was actually subconciously doing that or not. Part of me feels so sure and solid in my relationship with Adam. I mean we been through so many crazy things and so much turmoil that to me it feels like no matter how much turmoil there is we can work through it. I don't that is actually the truth, but I feel like it is and that is all that really matters. There may come a day when we can't get past the turmoil, but I just can't see that day, so I don't think it will ever come. At least I hope it won't. Many things have become clearer since I have had my big struggles. I feel so much better after a big struggle because I feel like my life is on track again. I think that I makes me not mind the struggle so much sometimes (remind me I said this next time I am freaking out, lol)

I was waiting for something to happen to show me what to do next and I feel like it happened. I know what to do next now. That is good. I feel like I have a way better idea of my limits. I think I know better now when I need to walk away. I mean there is still a lot of stuff looming, but that's part of my life. It's going to be okay.

I notice that I use the word "just" often in my blog. I am trying not to use it. I don't thing I use it in a very healthily/ forward thinking way. It's hard to explain, it makes me feel like if I can "just" cope, or "just" get there. It's like non committal, doubtful, and sufficing all in one syllable.

The other thing that is true about me and will always be true about me is I am cyclic. No matter how I try to be linear I go through phases. I think everyone does, but I really notice my own phases. Maybe linear is not right for me, too hard, maybe I should try to be more like a sin or cosin wave, cyclic, but predictable and reliable. :) ha ha -- a math joke.

Another thing I have to do (and by "have to do" I mean something that makes me... me) is quantify things by comparing them. So I am constantly gathering stuff and comparing. Constantly ,constantly. I always ask Leon to compare things for me. I put things in to categorieys, associate across many ideas and experiences and quantify in all sort of way, by how things feel seem and appear. I quantify by outcome or lack thereof. It doesn't always seem to make sense to other people. No matter how transparently I try to explain it. Today this guy was talking about fly predators, and I asked him if they where the ones that did such and such, and he was like no they do blah blah blah. But he said back to me exactly what I had said to him, but I had used synonyms and a had given a synopsis of the situation. He had to explain it in full detail, I laughed inside, I had just said the same exact thing to him only more succinctly, but because he had no frame of reference, he did not understand. I often feel misunderstood this way. I will say or explain something, someone with tell me I a wrong and say the same damn thing back to me. Hmm weird. I wonder if I actually perceive things differently, or people don't listen/ process and just want to tell me whether I already understand it or not, OR whether I actually don't know what I am talking about and have lumped two things together that don't go together. I consider all these things in the realm of the possible.

I find frequently when I write in my blog that I have to go back and fill in the gaps where one thought leapt to another and the average user might find that leap confusing. That is the thing I am talking about. People always ask me how did you stumble across that topic, that was so random, and it will be some small detail that trigger another memory or thought that pulls me entirely in a different direction. Today we were talking about animal cruelty, and about half way through the conversation I though of the tidbit that the first child abuse cases were tried under animal abuse cases before there were child abuse laws. Then I decided not to say anything because it wasn't really relevant to our actual conversation that we were having at that point in time. Stuff like that happens to me all the time.

No conclusion for this post, just an abrupt ending. I don't know where to go with it other then I have changed a lot and one of the things I am noticing is that I seem to process a little different then other people? Or can you guys relate? Do you process this way too and I am just not aware of it? I know that Adam and I process very differently sometimes. We often are talking about the same thing only he sees it totally backwards... ;) Other things are so obviously to both of us that there are no words that make it any clearer.