I had a reasonable birthday. :) Lots of people called and SANG Happy Birthday. That was awesome.
I just feel a little, I won't say guilty, because I think guilt is a wasted emotion, but I want to say AWARE that I am well loved and very well cared for, and I am very thankful for it. Despite all of that. I am very tired, and I miss Adam a ton and I wish he was here. I enjoyed my birthday was much as was humanely possible. I just still miss him and I am a little lost and that puts a damper on my day.
I have got to start sleeping MORE. I am so unbelievably tired worn out and stressed out. Maybe that's why I feel "guilty." I think I ought to feel rested, but I don't. I need to reclaim some down time, but I don't see that happening in the foreseeable future as I have a horse show this weekend, and a clinic next weekend, and the weekend after that I am going to start packing, the weekend after that I think I will be in Washington(no definite plans yet).
I have bought a bunch of music on Itunes to send Adam one last cd and some other cutesy things to send, but I have to make sure I send them out by May 10th. I have some cards and a very belated Christmas present to send. :) I feel like things are slipping out of my grasp. I wish I could do something that would rejuvenate me and make me feel refreshed to attack all of this stuff head on again. I am not sure what I could do to rejuvenate myself so for the time being I am just trying to get enough sleep. The burn out is not only the long hours I have been pulling, but also the deployment. I am so burnt out on deployment, but there is not much I can do. I haven't spoken to Adam in 4 days. I have things to tell him, but I am not sure they would mean anything to him right with him being so far removed from my world.
So send ideas on rejuvenation, because a bath with Epsom salts just isn't cutting it anymore, though it does help tremendously for the muscle tiredness, soreness, and weariness. With my line of work, at the end of the day I jsut want to sit and not move. Anyone who works outside all day in the wind and sun, moving around, constantly on your feet, knows that when you are done you want to drink cold stuff (not direutic stuff though like beer coffee and tea) and just sit around and keep the brain from thinking too much.
I am drinking too much coffee. Too much coffee leads to caffeine addictions and bad headaches. So I think getting a massage would do a lot as well, but i could really use a good mental break. I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall, it was okay. A lot of full frontal MALE nudity, which I didn't complain about and I thought it was a nice change.
I feel like my house isn't the retreat it used to be because it is soo dang messy. Moving is looking to be such a nightmare. I guess I may need to focus on creating a retreat and keeping it clean!
What do you guys think? With those mumbled thoughts I think I will try to hit the hay and struggle with this stuff in the morning, I could go on and on, but I have to stop myself somewhere.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
23
I am 23 in 30 minutes. 5 years ago I had one of the best birthdays of my entire life. My 18th birthday was a great birthday, Adam got me 5 tickets to see the 2nd Matrix movie, and got a teacher to take us to the midnight showing (we lived at boarding school). That day I won an award at my school called the Robinson Award and a very dear friend of mine presented it to me. Adam and I also gave each other puzzle rings and I still have mine and wear it.
Looking at all the things Adam and I have been through in the past 5 years is insane. We broke-up, refused to talk to each other, hurt each other feelings and then didn't hear from the other for over 2 years. We later reconnected, talked a little, and then made some time for the other in our lives. We took a leap of faith and got back together before we had seen each other again and started down the slippery slope of getting to know each other again. Before my next birthday could roll around Adam was deployed to Iraq.
Hopefully by my birthday next year, he will be safe in my arms and not have to be away from me anymore.
So this day, I am actually getting a year older because you cannot stop time. I am celebrating my birthday with some local people. But it's not really my birthday until he comes home and we can spend it together. I think your birthday should be the best day of the year. I can't really have the best day until he is home.
I think about all of the stuff that has happened in the last 5 years.
I always wanted to end up with someone who I dated when I was young, and when I dated Adam, realized that if that was going to be a reality, that person would be him. He didn't seem to think so. He is my fairy tale, my happily ever after, the relationship that always felt right, but seemed too "out there" to be real. The time we spent apart we both became our own people and gained insight that has brought us together today.
If I could have glimpsed how I live now, on that day 5 years ago, it would have made me smile. I got into college I ended up loving (I hadn't yet received all my acceptance/ rejection letters), have a degree, I am with person that I love more than anyone on the planet, and I am doing the things I love to do and have good people in my life that care about. I think about this and then I think ahead to the next 5 years, and if they work out at all like the last 5, I don't think I could ask for more.
I love you Adam. Don't worry about my birthday, it's not my birthday until you are here. :)
Looking at all the things Adam and I have been through in the past 5 years is insane. We broke-up, refused to talk to each other, hurt each other feelings and then didn't hear from the other for over 2 years. We later reconnected, talked a little, and then made some time for the other in our lives. We took a leap of faith and got back together before we had seen each other again and started down the slippery slope of getting to know each other again. Before my next birthday could roll around Adam was deployed to Iraq.
Hopefully by my birthday next year, he will be safe in my arms and not have to be away from me anymore.
So this day, I am actually getting a year older because you cannot stop time. I am celebrating my birthday with some local people. But it's not really my birthday until he comes home and we can spend it together. I think your birthday should be the best day of the year. I can't really have the best day until he is home.
I think about all of the stuff that has happened in the last 5 years.
I always wanted to end up with someone who I dated when I was young, and when I dated Adam, realized that if that was going to be a reality, that person would be him. He didn't seem to think so. He is my fairy tale, my happily ever after, the relationship that always felt right, but seemed too "out there" to be real. The time we spent apart we both became our own people and gained insight that has brought us together today.
If I could have glimpsed how I live now, on that day 5 years ago, it would have made me smile. I got into college I ended up loving (I hadn't yet received all my acceptance/ rejection letters), have a degree, I am with person that I love more than anyone on the planet, and I am doing the things I love to do and have good people in my life that care about. I think about this and then I think ahead to the next 5 years, and if they work out at all like the last 5, I don't think I could ask for more.
I love you Adam. Don't worry about my birthday, it's not my birthday until you are here. :)
Sunday, April 27, 2008
JennaEvolution
Who I am has always been a really important thing to me. I want to believe I am the type of person who is honest or the type of person who speaks out when they feel injustice or WHATEVER. But recently I haven't been that person. I thought I was someone who was rising above the muck and back biting people do and the ridiculous insecurities that people have. I thought I was steady, and stuck to my guns and reasonable, without letting my emotions getting the better of me. Turns out I am just like everyone else. Shock. It's seems that I am mediocre and human just like everyone else on this planet.
I was watching Grey's Anatomy today on itunes now that it has FINALLY RETURNED and I thought the theme of the show was very similar to what I have been feeling. Sometimes some of the process I engage in seems like such rhetoric. Some days it points out just how average I am truly am. I try to be exceptional, but God only made me human and that is all I will ever be able to be. I cannot seem to stop striving for super human. I do have to say though I feel like the world does get a little more in my head every day. I add something to my collection of the understanding of the world, even if it is how I will never understand it completely, or how something falls into the category of the realm of stuff that makes no sense to me. Lots of things fall into that category.
Something about the bad time I had about two weekends ago has changed me. Made me more "adult", less afraid, more sure of what I want. I don't know if that is a good thing. I don't know if I am finally taking responsibility for myself now that I am done with college. Maybe I am going through a normal part of the growing up process, or just the getting older process. Or if maybe I have let go of the person I was trying to preserve to so that Adam could relate to me. I am not sure if I was actually subconciously doing that or not. Part of me feels so sure and solid in my relationship with Adam. I mean we been through so many crazy things and so much turmoil that to me it feels like no matter how much turmoil there is we can work through it. I don't that is actually the truth, but I feel like it is and that is all that really matters. There may come a day when we can't get past the turmoil, but I just can't see that day, so I don't think it will ever come. At least I hope it won't. Many things have become clearer since I have had my big struggles. I feel so much better after a big struggle because I feel like my life is on track again. I think that I makes me not mind the struggle so much sometimes (remind me I said this next time I am freaking out, lol)
I was waiting for something to happen to show me what to do next and I feel like it happened. I know what to do next now. That is good. I feel like I have a way better idea of my limits. I think I know better now when I need to walk away. I mean there is still a lot of stuff looming, but that's part of my life. It's going to be okay.
I notice that I use the word "just" often in my blog. I am trying not to use it. I don't thing I use it in a very healthily/ forward thinking way. It's hard to explain, it makes me feel like if I can "just" cope, or "just" get there. It's like non committal, doubtful, and sufficing all in one syllable.
The other thing that is true about me and will always be true about me is I am cyclic. No matter how I try to be linear I go through phases. I think everyone does, but I really notice my own phases. Maybe linear is not right for me, too hard, maybe I should try to be more like a sin or cosin wave, cyclic, but predictable and reliable. :) ha ha -- a math joke.
Another thing I have to do (and by "have to do" I mean something that makes me... me) is quantify things by comparing them. So I am constantly gathering stuff and comparing. Constantly ,constantly. I always ask Leon to compare things for me. I put things in to categorieys, associate across many ideas and experiences and quantify in all sort of way, by how things feel seem and appear. I quantify by outcome or lack thereof. It doesn't always seem to make sense to other people. No matter how transparently I try to explain it. Today this guy was talking about fly predators, and I asked him if they where the ones that did such and such, and he was like no they do blah blah blah. But he said back to me exactly what I had said to him, but I had used synonyms and a had given a synopsis of the situation. He had to explain it in full detail, I laughed inside, I had just said the same exact thing to him only more succinctly, but because he had no frame of reference, he did not understand. I often feel misunderstood this way. I will say or explain something, someone with tell me I a wrong and say the same damn thing back to me. Hmm weird. I wonder if I actually perceive things differently, or people don't listen/ process and just want to tell me whether I already understand it or not, OR whether I actually don't know what I am talking about and have lumped two things together that don't go together. I consider all these things in the realm of the possible.
I find frequently when I write in my blog that I have to go back and fill in the gaps where one thought leapt to another and the average user might find that leap confusing. That is the thing I am talking about. People always ask me how did you stumble across that topic, that was so random, and it will be some small detail that trigger another memory or thought that pulls me entirely in a different direction. Today we were talking about animal cruelty, and about half way through the conversation I though of the tidbit that the first child abuse cases were tried under animal abuse cases before there were child abuse laws. Then I decided not to say anything because it wasn't really relevant to our actual conversation that we were having at that point in time. Stuff like that happens to me all the time.
No conclusion for this post, just an abrupt ending. I don't know where to go with it other then I have changed a lot and one of the things I am noticing is that I seem to process a little different then other people? Or can you guys relate? Do you process this way too and I am just not aware of it? I know that Adam and I process very differently sometimes. We often are talking about the same thing only he sees it totally backwards... ;) Other things are so obviously to both of us that there are no words that make it any clearer.
I was watching Grey's Anatomy today on itunes now that it has FINALLY RETURNED and I thought the theme of the show was very similar to what I have been feeling. Sometimes some of the process I engage in seems like such rhetoric. Some days it points out just how average I am truly am. I try to be exceptional, but God only made me human and that is all I will ever be able to be. I cannot seem to stop striving for super human. I do have to say though I feel like the world does get a little more in my head every day. I add something to my collection of the understanding of the world, even if it is how I will never understand it completely, or how something falls into the category of the realm of stuff that makes no sense to me. Lots of things fall into that category.
Something about the bad time I had about two weekends ago has changed me. Made me more "adult", less afraid, more sure of what I want. I don't know if that is a good thing. I don't know if I am finally taking responsibility for myself now that I am done with college. Maybe I am going through a normal part of the growing up process, or just the getting older process. Or if maybe I have let go of the person I was trying to preserve to so that Adam could relate to me. I am not sure if I was actually subconciously doing that or not. Part of me feels so sure and solid in my relationship with Adam. I mean we been through so many crazy things and so much turmoil that to me it feels like no matter how much turmoil there is we can work through it. I don't that is actually the truth, but I feel like it is and that is all that really matters. There may come a day when we can't get past the turmoil, but I just can't see that day, so I don't think it will ever come. At least I hope it won't. Many things have become clearer since I have had my big struggles. I feel so much better after a big struggle because I feel like my life is on track again. I think that I makes me not mind the struggle so much sometimes (remind me I said this next time I am freaking out, lol)
I was waiting for something to happen to show me what to do next and I feel like it happened. I know what to do next now. That is good. I feel like I have a way better idea of my limits. I think I know better now when I need to walk away. I mean there is still a lot of stuff looming, but that's part of my life. It's going to be okay.
I notice that I use the word "just" often in my blog. I am trying not to use it. I don't thing I use it in a very healthily/ forward thinking way. It's hard to explain, it makes me feel like if I can "just" cope, or "just" get there. It's like non committal, doubtful, and sufficing all in one syllable.
The other thing that is true about me and will always be true about me is I am cyclic. No matter how I try to be linear I go through phases. I think everyone does, but I really notice my own phases. Maybe linear is not right for me, too hard, maybe I should try to be more like a sin or cosin wave, cyclic, but predictable and reliable. :) ha ha -- a math joke.
Another thing I have to do (and by "have to do" I mean something that makes me... me) is quantify things by comparing them. So I am constantly gathering stuff and comparing. Constantly ,constantly. I always ask Leon to compare things for me. I put things in to categorieys, associate across many ideas and experiences and quantify in all sort of way, by how things feel seem and appear. I quantify by outcome or lack thereof. It doesn't always seem to make sense to other people. No matter how transparently I try to explain it. Today this guy was talking about fly predators, and I asked him if they where the ones that did such and such, and he was like no they do blah blah blah. But he said back to me exactly what I had said to him, but I had used synonyms and a had given a synopsis of the situation. He had to explain it in full detail, I laughed inside, I had just said the same exact thing to him only more succinctly, but because he had no frame of reference, he did not understand. I often feel misunderstood this way. I will say or explain something, someone with tell me I a wrong and say the same damn thing back to me. Hmm weird. I wonder if I actually perceive things differently, or people don't listen/ process and just want to tell me whether I already understand it or not, OR whether I actually don't know what I am talking about and have lumped two things together that don't go together. I consider all these things in the realm of the possible.
I find frequently when I write in my blog that I have to go back and fill in the gaps where one thought leapt to another and the average user might find that leap confusing. That is the thing I am talking about. People always ask me how did you stumble across that topic, that was so random, and it will be some small detail that trigger another memory or thought that pulls me entirely in a different direction. Today we were talking about animal cruelty, and about half way through the conversation I though of the tidbit that the first child abuse cases were tried under animal abuse cases before there were child abuse laws. Then I decided not to say anything because it wasn't really relevant to our actual conversation that we were having at that point in time. Stuff like that happens to me all the time.
No conclusion for this post, just an abrupt ending. I don't know where to go with it other then I have changed a lot and one of the things I am noticing is that I seem to process a little different then other people? Or can you guys relate? Do you process this way too and I am just not aware of it? I know that Adam and I process very differently sometimes. We often are talking about the same thing only he sees it totally backwards... ;) Other things are so obviously to both of us that there are no words that make it any clearer.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
FLOMP!
Adam left me a message on my myspace today! It said FLOMP! It means he wants to jump on me/ tackle me and squish me and knock all the air out of me and listen to me gasp for air like a dying fish. What a sweetheart. There are no other words for it, but "That's so Adam." It's really funny how much I relish any messages he sends. I read them over 100 times. Then I wait a while and go back and read them again. How goofy is that? It still makes my heart race a little, which makes me very very glad. It lets me know this is still the right thing. Not that I had doubt, but a reaffirming heart race is always comforting ;).
Today was a good day for the most part. My vision is getting better and better all the time. Lasik is pretty dang cool. I am not sure Adam could get it simply for the reason that he HATES eye drops. I have had a million eye drops put in my eyes by me and various other people over the course of the last couple weeks.
I bought a gas grill today. A little tiny $10 one. One of my friends fed me steak the other day and it was really damn good. I was like I can do this!!?! How hard can it be?!?! I have a ton of game steak in my freezer. So we will see. It's time to put my money where my mouth is. I think I am going to try to make an angel food cake too. I have some new dishes I want to try out. :) I rented a bunch of movies from blockbuster, mostly horror movies. I was feeling lonely so I rented movies. Go figure.
Anyways I am going to chill out cook and maybe clean, I have work again tomorrow sigh.
Toodles
Today was a good day for the most part. My vision is getting better and better all the time. Lasik is pretty dang cool. I am not sure Adam could get it simply for the reason that he HATES eye drops. I have had a million eye drops put in my eyes by me and various other people over the course of the last couple weeks.
I bought a gas grill today. A little tiny $10 one. One of my friends fed me steak the other day and it was really damn good. I was like I can do this!!?! How hard can it be?!?! I have a ton of game steak in my freezer. So we will see. It's time to put my money where my mouth is. I think I am going to try to make an angel food cake too. I have some new dishes I want to try out. :) I rented a bunch of movies from blockbuster, mostly horror movies. I was feeling lonely so I rented movies. Go figure.
Anyways I am going to chill out cook and maybe clean, I have work again tomorrow sigh.
Toodles
Friday, April 25, 2008
fuzzy
Today was a long day. I got up at 4:30 am to drive, got in to my hotel around 6:20 and they gave me a room, which was nice. I signed up for the shuttle. Then I waited all day. I got there signed in and waited. I got prepped and waited for them to put drops in my eyes. Then I took off all my jewelry (except for my ring, Mina) and waiting int eh waiting room with a hair net on. They called us in tot he surgery room in groups of 4 and covered us blankets and told us to close our eyes. Then they prepped me some more and laid me out on the table. I think they were supposed to tell me what was going to happen, but whomever's job that was forgot, so like all of a sudden the team showed up held my head down, held my eyes open told me NOT TO MOVE AT ALL. I totally freaked out at the abruptness, but I didn't want to move or mess up the surgery. So by the time the guy who got me up and taped my eyes shut, moved me I was totally spazing out and crying . But everyone was crying so it wasn't that big of a deal lol. The prep guy took me back over for the second part and he said, "Are you ok?" He was very kind, it was very comforting. I said,"Yeah, but can you make sure to tell me what you are going to do before you do it?" He said,"Your consultant didn't tell you!?!?!" I said,"NO." He said," Lay down, I'll explain the next part of the surgery." And he did, and I was slightly less freaked out. I just get really nervous when I feel even a little helpless. It is something I react to very strongly, especially when the tech told me in a loud firm voice to hold still I panicked a little. It's something I do, a tic or nervous habit. I had a very small moment when I really wished Adam was there to hold my hand. :( Oh well, I am here, it's done. I am very excited, I think my vision will end up basically being perfect.
Anyways, I see clearly far way now, but my whole vision is just foggy like when your eyes are really tired over you have been staring at a computer screen to long. I think it will clear up tomorrow or the next day. I have medicated contact lenses that are coming out tomorrow.
The really funny thing is when I got up, they had taped my eyes shut, and were holding my hands to lead me forward. It was really strange to have another man hold my hands. I have held my little sisters' hands, but they are always smaller then me, and I don't hold my Dad's hand any more so to have a person take me by the hands was a really strange feeling, and I know I only notice because its been since July since I have held Adam's hand.
More tomorrow!
Anyways, I see clearly far way now, but my whole vision is just foggy like when your eyes are really tired over you have been staring at a computer screen to long. I think it will clear up tomorrow or the next day. I have medicated contact lenses that are coming out tomorrow.
The really funny thing is when I got up, they had taped my eyes shut, and were holding my hands to lead me forward. It was really strange to have another man hold my hands. I have held my little sisters' hands, but they are always smaller then me, and I don't hold my Dad's hand any more so to have a person take me by the hands was a really strange feeling, and I know I only notice because its been since July since I have held Adam's hand.
More tomorrow!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Much betah
Today was better, much better. I told them I had to leave at one, that helped. The thing that really made my day was that I rode really well. I mean picture perfectly. Both the horses I rode were really good. Today was a little slow. I got a lot of out-of -horse work done. Then I got to really thoughtful gifts in the mail. One was a dress from my Dad's finacee. It was a dress that i had borrowed that fit me really well and I liked. She thought I would like have it, which was incredibly very very sweet. The other WAS THE BEST BUMPER STICKER EVER from my stepmother. It says: Support our troops, We'll need them to over throw our own government.
Anyways, I am getting lasik tomorrow so I gotta run!
Wish me luck!
Anyways, I am getting lasik tomorrow so I gotta run!
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Just Shoot Me
I am not going to lie. I feel like shit. For a lot of reasons. Most of them are stress related and I am trying to be upbeat. I really am. I am trying to be not negative. I am freaking tired of the games though. Because I am stressed I am eating crap food and consequently I don't feel well. I could scream with all the shit that is going on that i am obligated to take care of. I just keep piling it on and so does everyone else.
I hate this, I hate being alone, I hate Texas, I hate being under appreciated, I hate my temporary situation.
I am sry that I have nothing constructive to say. At ALL. I don't freaking care.
There is really one thing in particular that would make my life a lot easier if it didn't exist. I have such a headache, prolly shouldn't have eaten dinner, a bagel, a swiss roll AND a pudding cup. AND THEN 3 cups of chamomile tea. What was I thinking?
UGH
Shoot me now?
I hate this, I hate being alone, I hate Texas, I hate being under appreciated, I hate my temporary situation.
I am sry that I have nothing constructive to say. At ALL. I don't freaking care.
There is really one thing in particular that would make my life a lot easier if it didn't exist. I have such a headache, prolly shouldn't have eaten dinner, a bagel, a swiss roll AND a pudding cup. AND THEN 3 cups of chamomile tea. What was I thinking?
UGH
Shoot me now?
Monday, April 21, 2008
where to even start?
Reading about other people's deployments is weird. It's almost like a pregnancy, we ciuld write a "What to Expect" book, for each part of the deployment. Everyone who experiences any kind of deployment has their story to tell about it. How they got through it, what it meant to them, how it changed them. It is weird reading about people who are close to the finish line and wishing you were there and reading about people who are just getting a started and remembering what it was like when you were there.
I had a whammo moment tonight when an Adam memory hit me like a semi truck and missing him was so intense it hurt! One time when we were first getting to know each each other, Adam took like 10 minutes to tie my shoe laces together in horrible horrible horrible knots and I just smiled and watched. When he decided I was sufficiently incapacitated he did something that he knew would make me chase him. I jumped up wriggled out of my shoes and tackled him... Mwa ha ha :: evil laff:: Served him right. I think he was a little shocked. That's such an Adam and Jenna thing. LOL
Today was just a really long day. I have been pushing missing him out of my mind as much as possible lately. I think that if I had known more about the deployment stuff I would make sure to have a good community of people who are fun to hang out with during a deployment. For this deployment I have been pretty lonely. I do not recommend moving to a new place where you know NO ONE. Just a tid bit of advice there.......
Anyways, I need to go to bed so I can get up for work tomorrow.
I know I left you guys kind of hanging with that last post, but I haven't had a chance to think any more about it. I haven't had time to do anything really. I really want to get one last really good care package off to Adam. Poor guy I haven't sent a care package since I sent his cheesecake mid March. I think that as much as I fight it, the care packages get less and less as the deployment goes on. I have run out of cool things to send him.... :( Sigh. OH and yes SidLovely, I am in the bath tub, but its a tiny rental tub so one of those storage bin lids fits across the top perfectly and I set my laptop on it and I put just a little water in the tub and soak. I wish I wasn't so sore and stiff from all the riding. Oh well.Nighty Nite.
I had a whammo moment tonight when an Adam memory hit me like a semi truck and missing him was so intense it hurt! One time when we were first getting to know each each other, Adam took like 10 minutes to tie my shoe laces together in horrible horrible horrible knots and I just smiled and watched. When he decided I was sufficiently incapacitated he did something that he knew would make me chase him. I jumped up wriggled out of my shoes and tackled him... Mwa ha ha :: evil laff:: Served him right. I think he was a little shocked. That's such an Adam and Jenna thing. LOL
Today was just a really long day. I have been pushing missing him out of my mind as much as possible lately. I think that if I had known more about the deployment stuff I would make sure to have a good community of people who are fun to hang out with during a deployment. For this deployment I have been pretty lonely. I do not recommend moving to a new place where you know NO ONE. Just a tid bit of advice there.......
Anyways, I need to go to bed so I can get up for work tomorrow.
I know I left you guys kind of hanging with that last post, but I haven't had a chance to think any more about it. I haven't had time to do anything really. I really want to get one last really good care package off to Adam. Poor guy I haven't sent a care package since I sent his cheesecake mid March. I think that as much as I fight it, the care packages get less and less as the deployment goes on. I have run out of cool things to send him.... :( Sigh. OH and yes SidLovely, I am in the bath tub, but its a tiny rental tub so one of those storage bin lids fits across the top perfectly and I set my laptop on it and I put just a little water in the tub and soak. I wish I wasn't so sore and stiff from all the riding. Oh well.Nighty Nite.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
blogging from the tub
If you were to ask Adam about the relationship between a Myna and her bathtub he would probably emphasize that it is a force to be reckoned with. I LOVE the bath. Even though I have a tiny entsy weensy tub, I still love to get in and soak. Maybe even splash a little or get bubbles or whatever. Today was a long day, I rode pretty well. I have come to some conclusions about the things that have been throwing me off kilter, and I feel better and less insane than I have in days. Which is good.
I realized that I really like to have time to myself. I don't just want to be off, I don't want to have to be on call to answer the phone. I have gone out to the ranch every day this week, including Saturday and Sunday. It looks like if things continue to go the way they are I will not have a day that I don't have to go for another 2 and a half weeks. That's a long time to be on call. For me anyways. It burns me out. That is why I feel like slacking and not going to work. I just want time to myself. I don't even mind feeding. I am not even saying I want "alone" time, I just want time that is mine to do with what ever I please and not contingent on someone's else will. Usually I get called or texted in my off time, even late at night, or they will assume I will be around the ranch so if thy happen to call and need me to run over, and if I am not they are miffed or at least surprised. I don't want to have to explain my where abouts or be expected to do things last minute. When I feel like it is just assumed that I will work through my weekend with no days off to compensate, I feel cranky. I don't necessarily need to take the days off, but if I want days off I think I should get some. I might work anyways but it would be because I choose to work not because I was expected to work.
This seems so obvious to me now, that is why I have been such a slacker recently! Here I thought I was lazy and selfish and a liar. It turns out I just want free time that is truly free and not pretend free time and not be on call at all hours. Go figure. I mean obviously its more complicated then that, but I do think that people will subconsciously sabotage themselves when they are not making the right choices for themselves. It is obvious to me that I need structure and I need time off and with out those 2 things, I do not do as well.
It is true that I always did better in classes that had a very specific syllabus that we followed almost exactly, with examples of how the points would be calculated and examples of pieces we would be expected to turn in. If I have those things it is almost guaranteed I will get a good grade even if the subject isn't one that I care for a ton. So knowing that about myself tells me what sort of environments I would thrive in. Situations that are ambiguous are really hard for me.Especially when work is given with out clear guidelines of how long it should take and what it is exactly supposed to look like. That's not always the way the real world works though. It definitely doesn't fit a program and sometimes you really are making it up as you go along. I like experiments because you get to be creative and push the envelope, and then there is the scientific method that tells you how to harness that creativity to mean something relevant to the outside world. With training there isn't always a guideline, and with personal relationships there isn't either. But I am going to leave this blog unfinished (as in without coming to a solid conclusion about anything in particular), and let the ideas muddle around in my head some more before I talk about anything else. I might be on to something that will help me with situations that are harder for me. :) I really gotta spend some time thinking about this.... and I need to add more water to my bath.
I realized that I really like to have time to myself. I don't just want to be off, I don't want to have to be on call to answer the phone. I have gone out to the ranch every day this week, including Saturday and Sunday. It looks like if things continue to go the way they are I will not have a day that I don't have to go for another 2 and a half weeks. That's a long time to be on call. For me anyways. It burns me out. That is why I feel like slacking and not going to work. I just want time to myself. I don't even mind feeding. I am not even saying I want "alone" time, I just want time that is mine to do with what ever I please and not contingent on someone's else will. Usually I get called or texted in my off time, even late at night, or they will assume I will be around the ranch so if thy happen to call and need me to run over, and if I am not they are miffed or at least surprised. I don't want to have to explain my where abouts or be expected to do things last minute. When I feel like it is just assumed that I will work through my weekend with no days off to compensate, I feel cranky. I don't necessarily need to take the days off, but if I want days off I think I should get some. I might work anyways but it would be because I choose to work not because I was expected to work.
This seems so obvious to me now, that is why I have been such a slacker recently! Here I thought I was lazy and selfish and a liar. It turns out I just want free time that is truly free and not pretend free time and not be on call at all hours. Go figure. I mean obviously its more complicated then that, but I do think that people will subconsciously sabotage themselves when they are not making the right choices for themselves. It is obvious to me that I need structure and I need time off and with out those 2 things, I do not do as well.
It is true that I always did better in classes that had a very specific syllabus that we followed almost exactly, with examples of how the points would be calculated and examples of pieces we would be expected to turn in. If I have those things it is almost guaranteed I will get a good grade even if the subject isn't one that I care for a ton. So knowing that about myself tells me what sort of environments I would thrive in. Situations that are ambiguous are really hard for me.Especially when work is given with out clear guidelines of how long it should take and what it is exactly supposed to look like. That's not always the way the real world works though. It definitely doesn't fit a program and sometimes you really are making it up as you go along. I like experiments because you get to be creative and push the envelope, and then there is the scientific method that tells you how to harness that creativity to mean something relevant to the outside world. With training there isn't always a guideline, and with personal relationships there isn't either. But I am going to leave this blog unfinished (as in without coming to a solid conclusion about anything in particular), and let the ideas muddle around in my head some more before I talk about anything else. I might be on to something that will help me with situations that are harder for me. :) I really gotta spend some time thinking about this.... and I need to add more water to my bath.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Another Confusing Day
Just trying to figure out my place in the world, feeling supremely lost. I am so glad to hear that Lala got a call back for an interview.
My step mother sent me this today and honestly at this hour, this far away from Adam I think it is what is holding me together.
I guess the sayings are attributed to Andy Rooney, that's what the email said. Here it is:
---------------------------
Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react
to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we
bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive
thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates
extraordinary results.
ANONYMOUS
ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE
If you will take the time to read these. I promise you'll come away with
an enlightened perspective. The subjects covered affect us all on a
daily basis:
They're written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so
much with so few words. Enjoy.......
I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of
an elderly person.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my
day!' makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of
the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have
the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to
be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and
a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on
summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it
gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything
we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life
so spectacular.
I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to
be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I 've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are
only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
=I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a
smile.
I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with
them.
I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take
the ones you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock
elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her
one more time before she passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your
looks.
I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little
finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but
all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things
I get done.
------------------------
I'll tell you what I have learned tonight. I have learned that many people care for me and I am growing immensely as a person. I have a lot of hard decisions to make in the very near future. So I apologize for being melancholy in advance. It's good to have my parents and Adam's Mom in my camp. I don't feel so alone. That's a good feeling.
Adam remember I love you more than anything and I cannot wait for you to come home.
Night Everyone
My step mother sent me this today and honestly at this hour, this far away from Adam I think it is what is holding me together.
I guess the sayings are attributed to Andy Rooney, that's what the email said. Here it is:
---------------------------
Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react
to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we
bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive
thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates
extraordinary results.
ANONYMOUS
ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE
If you will take the time to read these. I promise you'll come away with
an enlightened perspective. The subjects covered affect us all on a
daily basis:
They're written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so
much with so few words. Enjoy.......
I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of
an elderly person.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my
day!' makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of
the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have
the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to
be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and
a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on
summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it
gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything
we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life
so spectacular.
I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to
be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I 've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are
only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
=I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a
smile.
I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with
them.
I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take
the ones you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock
elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her
one more time before she passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your
looks.
I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little
finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but
all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things
I get done.
------------------------
I'll tell you what I have learned tonight. I have learned that many people care for me and I am growing immensely as a person. I have a lot of hard decisions to make in the very near future. So I apologize for being melancholy in advance. It's good to have my parents and Adam's Mom in my camp. I don't feel so alone. That's a good feeling.
Adam remember I love you more than anything and I cannot wait for you to come home.
Night Everyone
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Insecurities
SO things have been a little rocky in my life all the way around. I decided not to do something I really should have done, and it came back in bit me in the butt. The person that I argued with about it was less then gracious. In fact she was downright mean, gloating and pointing out that I had made a mistake. I told her everyone makes mistakes.
Later, I called my Dad upset, and he pointed out that I kind of had a suspicion that I wasn't upholding my end of the bargain fully, and that was the truth I hadn't been. Anyways long story short, I think it would be fair to say that we were both at fault. It really took the heart out of me though. I was trying to figure out what to do next.
It came to me, there are two options here, you can dig in, and work around the difficulties even though it doesn't seem fair especially when you feel like you always have to be the compensating or bigger/ more mature person. OR you can decided you have had enough and walk away and say it isn't for you.
I was recently talking about the "lack of hardship" in my life especially in comparison to Adam's hardships in Iraq. This is no where near the same, but it definitely falls under the situation of adverse circumstances for me. Do I continue despite the difficulties because I know the reward will be great, or do I decide that the hoops I have to jump through are not worth it in the long run? Tough decisions. What are you willing ot put yourself through to have what you want?
Part of it is that I have these huge insecurities about my own capabilities and they are just magnified like 100 times when I feel like I am failing. This lets other people needlessly hijack my feelings and allows them to make me upset (because I let them make me upset).
So in an effort to combat this super negative cycle, I imed and texted some of my good friends to tell them that I love them and miss them and appreciate their support and love. I want anyone who has ever wished me well, or heck even takes the time to read this blog, I would like you to know that you have my heartfelt thanks. For caring enough to take some time out of your day. It is comforting to know that even though there are people who say things to intentionally hurt my feelings, there are probably more people who wish me well and for that I truly am blessed. I am going to make a conscious effort to not focus on my major flaws and fears, but instead focus on the things that make me strong and happy and feel proud of who I am. I don't want to feel small in front of someone yelling at me again if I can help it. You guys help me do that.
I am not really much of an out loud pray-er, but to night I am praying to God to give me strength and help me find the best path. I know that screwing up is part of experience and that it is a learning process. I wish I could just put my emotions aside. I hate apologizing, and I do it when I have to, but I really hate it. I don't think I have done anything worth apologizing for, but I just wish I would never do anything that I did have to apologize for. I just don't think that is humanely possible. So with that I am going to try and get some sleep so I can face the day tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.
Later, I called my Dad upset, and he pointed out that I kind of had a suspicion that I wasn't upholding my end of the bargain fully, and that was the truth I hadn't been. Anyways long story short, I think it would be fair to say that we were both at fault. It really took the heart out of me though. I was trying to figure out what to do next.
It came to me, there are two options here, you can dig in, and work around the difficulties even though it doesn't seem fair especially when you feel like you always have to be the compensating or bigger/ more mature person. OR you can decided you have had enough and walk away and say it isn't for you.
I was recently talking about the "lack of hardship" in my life especially in comparison to Adam's hardships in Iraq. This is no where near the same, but it definitely falls under the situation of adverse circumstances for me. Do I continue despite the difficulties because I know the reward will be great, or do I decide that the hoops I have to jump through are not worth it in the long run? Tough decisions. What are you willing ot put yourself through to have what you want?
Part of it is that I have these huge insecurities about my own capabilities and they are just magnified like 100 times when I feel like I am failing. This lets other people needlessly hijack my feelings and allows them to make me upset (because I let them make me upset).
So in an effort to combat this super negative cycle, I imed and texted some of my good friends to tell them that I love them and miss them and appreciate their support and love. I want anyone who has ever wished me well, or heck even takes the time to read this blog, I would like you to know that you have my heartfelt thanks. For caring enough to take some time out of your day. It is comforting to know that even though there are people who say things to intentionally hurt my feelings, there are probably more people who wish me well and for that I truly am blessed. I am going to make a conscious effort to not focus on my major flaws and fears, but instead focus on the things that make me strong and happy and feel proud of who I am. I don't want to feel small in front of someone yelling at me again if I can help it. You guys help me do that.
I am not really much of an out loud pray-er, but to night I am praying to God to give me strength and help me find the best path. I know that screwing up is part of experience and that it is a learning process. I wish I could just put my emotions aside. I hate apologizing, and I do it when I have to, but I really hate it. I don't think I have done anything worth apologizing for, but I just wish I would never do anything that I did have to apologize for. I just don't think that is humanely possible. So with that I am going to try and get some sleep so I can face the day tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.
Monday, April 14, 2008
2 sides of the same coin
The coin is life. On one side the wait is tough, my house is dirty, worry about Adam is through the roof, and I feel like I haven't been riding well. On the other side of the coin, the weather is nice, I had a realization about my butthead that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, I have a bunch of plans for making everything go smoothly. My dad came to visit and my Mom and sister are coming next week.
I have to go back to work and I don't want to go. It's so far. I made good lunch though. Hmm I'll check in later.
I have to go back to work and I don't want to go. It's so far. I made good lunch though. Hmm I'll check in later.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Nightmare
The weather here! IS INSANE! My internet has been down for THREE DAYS!!!!! Really effectively for 5 business days. I don't understand how the internet providers can be so disorganized. Both my internet provider and the ranch's internet provider were not prepared for the weather taking out their towers. Even though it has happened at least 3 times since I have lived here. Sigh, I am constantly amazed at people's inability to deliver the product. OK! I am going to regroup since everything when crazy while my Dad was here and I have to get ready for my Mom to come. I will send a better update later.
MAUW! (That's for the butthead!)
Sry for the confusion butthead.
MAUW! (That's for the butthead!)
Sry for the confusion butthead.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Today was a good day
I went to the lasik place to get my pre-op check up. They told me exactly what I thought they would: astigmatism in my left eye, nearsighted, and all though young, an ideal candidate for lasik. Minimal correction, because I am young I will heal fast.
In fact the only thing stopping me from having it TOMORROW is I have no one to drive me home. I can't drive myself home. I'll be able to drive later that day, but not right after the operation. The next day you have to go in for a follow up appointment. Since the place is close to 2 hours away from the ranch, I might stay at a hotel near the place and get it done in the evening, and go in for my post op the next morning. Hmmm.
I stopped at Chili's on he way home because the traffic was so bad, and I was having trouble seeing since they dilated my eyes and put numb drops in them.. Fun Fun. Chili's has this great mini burger appetizer that I just love. I wanted to ride my horse, Chewy, when I came home, so even though it was 7:30 I caught her and rode her in the indoor. Normally, I would be a little apprehensive about riding her alone in the evening because she is not as solid as my other horse. She spooks more easily and she more energy and can be kind of grumpy sometimes. She was an angel. She was so solid, sure, and hard working tonight. I was amazed. Then when she got tired, I took her to the warm water bath and she followed me right up into the dark barn into the wash rack, What a brave girl!
I am very glad I got her out and pushed her a little. She is shaping up to be something special. You will know I have got her when I can ride her bareback in the dark back to her pen. Then we will have a winner, but for tonight, for where she is, she was excellent. Nothing more heartwarming then a horse like that (mean a horse that's not super friendly) really putting out a lot of effort for you.
This is one of the reasons I really like riding horses I have raised. For some people it doesn't make a difference, but to me it really does. :: shrug:: Preferences.
Adam imed to tell me about his pokemon and I was out. :( I am bummed to have missed him.
In fact the only thing stopping me from having it TOMORROW is I have no one to drive me home. I can't drive myself home. I'll be able to drive later that day, but not right after the operation. The next day you have to go in for a follow up appointment. Since the place is close to 2 hours away from the ranch, I might stay at a hotel near the place and get it done in the evening, and go in for my post op the next morning. Hmmm.
I stopped at Chili's on he way home because the traffic was so bad, and I was having trouble seeing since they dilated my eyes and put numb drops in them.. Fun Fun. Chili's has this great mini burger appetizer that I just love. I wanted to ride my horse, Chewy, when I came home, so even though it was 7:30 I caught her and rode her in the indoor. Normally, I would be a little apprehensive about riding her alone in the evening because she is not as solid as my other horse. She spooks more easily and she more energy and can be kind of grumpy sometimes. She was an angel. She was so solid, sure, and hard working tonight. I was amazed. Then when she got tired, I took her to the warm water bath and she followed me right up into the dark barn into the wash rack, What a brave girl!
I am very glad I got her out and pushed her a little. She is shaping up to be something special. You will know I have got her when I can ride her bareback in the dark back to her pen. Then we will have a winner, but for tonight, for where she is, she was excellent. Nothing more heartwarming then a horse like that (mean a horse that's not super friendly) really putting out a lot of effort for you.
This is one of the reasons I really like riding horses I have raised. For some people it doesn't make a difference, but to me it really does. :: shrug:: Preferences.
Adam imed to tell me about his pokemon and I was out. :( I am bummed to have missed him.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Wow.... What is "home"?
I have to say that house sitting is hard for me in a very funny way. When you house sit you step into someone else's life. You get into their routines and do they things they normally do to maintain their life. It's weird, you get to look at the choices they made and see what rituals they have that bring them joy or peace or maybe just order to the chaos of life.
House sitting at the ranch is such a good experience for me because it shows me how much I will really do if I have the facilities and horses just outside the front door. No one but me to set my agenda. I have to say the last couple of days have been super disorienting for me. I have had a bunch of free time and I haven't really known what to do with it. The weather has been amazing and everyone has been doing outside things with their friends. I am ready to get back to that. I have a lot of website work I can do and I have been doing a quite a bit. There is some family stuff that has been weighing on me kind of heavily. I could play World of Warcraft or do some of my other hobbies, like braiding mecates. I am just trying not to get into anything just yet. So as a result I have been watch a lot of television. I sure as hell can't sit idle. I will go crazy. I feel like I have to choose what it is I am going to put my effort into, so I am satisfied, whether it is knowing the plot line of a TV show, know what bosses drop what in various dungeons, or having a error free mecate when I am done.
I think this feeling that I get (that I don't have a good word for so I will make one up... um purposeful-time-using-ness of PTUN for short :) ) directly ties in with my sense of WHO AM I. I think that is one of the things that contributes to the difficulties of dating the military. You move to be where they are stationed to build who you are around what they have to do. I think that is a challenge today for many people (especially women) who are taught and want to go out earn their own living, follow their own dreams. Sometimes it is hard to figure out how to do that and be with the person you love. Could I be a person who was just there for Adam what ever he needed and work entirely around the constructs of his job? Yeah I think I could, I don't think, however that I could ever let that stop me from doing the things I want to do. Somethings will be put on the back burner of course. Things that cut into the amount of time I have to spend with Adam will just not happen. Instead, I will find the minutes of time when I can't be with him to work in stuff that I like. From those pieces who I am with Adam will start to emerge.
I think it can be overwhelming when you know everything is going to change. Well not everything, but you have to choose what is going to change. What parts of my life am I going to keep and bring to Washington? What parts am I going to leave behind? I look at all the stuff in my house and I think, which of these things of mine are going to be comforting to have, and which of these things is just going to be more crap to carry, wash and take care of?
I feel pretty attached to my house in Texas I realized when I came to house sit. I miss my bed and my space away from the world. It can feel like a lonely prison sometimes lol, but on the other side of once I get inside and lock the doors, no one can bother me unless I let them. Adam still won't have that option when he gets back, if the army beckons he will have to go. I don't that sharing space with Adam will be hard for me. I prefer to live with someone always. I don't have that need to totally be alone like other people do. I really enjoyed living with people my senior year of college, and I do miss my roommates a lot. Just having a "home" place is what is important. It's less of a get away from other people thing and a more of a go to a place I feel like I belong thing.
My Dad asked me why I went looking for apartments so soon and part of it was the anticipation and the fact that bunches and bunches of people will all be coming home around the same time and I wanted to make sure we got an apartment. The other part of it was I wanted to make sure I had a place to have away from the outside world. Washington isn't home to me, so having a little place I can make my home however that may be is mission critical. So when Adam has to leave or can't come home or I don't understand the army or the way something has to happen, I have someplace to go thats neutral to try and figure out what is going on out there.
I think a lot of other women who are dating military guys have similar problems. To pick up and move, to work around his schedule, to find a job that pays well that stimulates you or motivates you. I am enjoying this stay here at the ranch, I wish I could sleep in my own bed, but having the horses close is really really nice.
Now I just have to figure out what I want from this experience and try to make that happen. This is really a great opportunity for me to test this out with out spending a small fortune doing it lol.
24
House sitting at the ranch is such a good experience for me because it shows me how much I will really do if I have the facilities and horses just outside the front door. No one but me to set my agenda. I have to say the last couple of days have been super disorienting for me. I have had a bunch of free time and I haven't really known what to do with it. The weather has been amazing and everyone has been doing outside things with their friends. I am ready to get back to that. I have a lot of website work I can do and I have been doing a quite a bit. There is some family stuff that has been weighing on me kind of heavily. I could play World of Warcraft or do some of my other hobbies, like braiding mecates. I am just trying not to get into anything just yet. So as a result I have been watch a lot of television. I sure as hell can't sit idle. I will go crazy. I feel like I have to choose what it is I am going to put my effort into, so I am satisfied, whether it is knowing the plot line of a TV show, know what bosses drop what in various dungeons, or having a error free mecate when I am done.
I think this feeling that I get (that I don't have a good word for so I will make one up... um purposeful-time-using-ness of PTUN for short :) ) directly ties in with my sense of WHO AM I. I think that is one of the things that contributes to the difficulties of dating the military. You move to be where they are stationed to build who you are around what they have to do. I think that is a challenge today for many people (especially women) who are taught and want to go out earn their own living, follow their own dreams. Sometimes it is hard to figure out how to do that and be with the person you love. Could I be a person who was just there for Adam what ever he needed and work entirely around the constructs of his job? Yeah I think I could, I don't think, however that I could ever let that stop me from doing the things I want to do. Somethings will be put on the back burner of course. Things that cut into the amount of time I have to spend with Adam will just not happen. Instead, I will find the minutes of time when I can't be with him to work in stuff that I like. From those pieces who I am with Adam will start to emerge.
I think it can be overwhelming when you know everything is going to change. Well not everything, but you have to choose what is going to change. What parts of my life am I going to keep and bring to Washington? What parts am I going to leave behind? I look at all the stuff in my house and I think, which of these things of mine are going to be comforting to have, and which of these things is just going to be more crap to carry, wash and take care of?
I feel pretty attached to my house in Texas I realized when I came to house sit. I miss my bed and my space away from the world. It can feel like a lonely prison sometimes lol, but on the other side of once I get inside and lock the doors, no one can bother me unless I let them. Adam still won't have that option when he gets back, if the army beckons he will have to go. I don't that sharing space with Adam will be hard for me. I prefer to live with someone always. I don't have that need to totally be alone like other people do. I really enjoyed living with people my senior year of college, and I do miss my roommates a lot. Just having a "home" place is what is important. It's less of a get away from other people thing and a more of a go to a place I feel like I belong thing.
My Dad asked me why I went looking for apartments so soon and part of it was the anticipation and the fact that bunches and bunches of people will all be coming home around the same time and I wanted to make sure we got an apartment. The other part of it was I wanted to make sure I had a place to have away from the outside world. Washington isn't home to me, so having a little place I can make my home however that may be is mission critical. So when Adam has to leave or can't come home or I don't understand the army or the way something has to happen, I have someplace to go thats neutral to try and figure out what is going on out there.
I think a lot of other women who are dating military guys have similar problems. To pick up and move, to work around his schedule, to find a job that pays well that stimulates you or motivates you. I am enjoying this stay here at the ranch, I wish I could sleep in my own bed, but having the horses close is really really nice.
Now I just have to figure out what I want from this experience and try to make that happen. This is really a great opportunity for me to test this out with out spending a small fortune doing it lol.
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Friday, April 4, 2008
Temperature and Sleeping
I am shivering because I turned off the heat and the air conditioning. When it is winter I have the heat set at 64-68, when it is summer so far I have had the AC set around 70. Over 74 and I wake up yucky. It is exactly 68 in my house right now. It's cool enough in the morning for heat in my car, but by the time I drive home I'd like ac. The high today was 63, it was lovely. So I guess I will have to go find my big comforter for one or 2 more nights. LOL oh well, can't complain about the weather when although finding the right in house temperature is hard, the riding temperature is perfect. I really don't mind it being too warm in the house except for sleeping. Being too hot when I sleep gives me the worst nightmares :(. The worst is when I have a bad fever.
I haven't been sleeping very well for one reason or another and I had been dragging my feet at work and stuff, not going to bed early enough to be alert if I talked to Adam in the middle of the night. So yesterday, I got up early to make Leon a birthday cake, and then dropped it off and found out I didn't have work. So I tried to go back to sleep. No dice, too much chocolate frosting :). So I went to feed the horses, and went I came back I laid down on my bed to watch a movie. I fell asleep about 7 PM and I woke up in a panic around 11:30 PM thinking I had overslept. When I realized I hadn't I ate a hotdog, took my daily vitamin and went back to sleep and slept until morning (with one MINOR 20 minute butthead interruption). So now I lay awake, hoping that after I write this blog I will be able to fall asleep because I scheduled to have my truck looked at tomorrow at 8 am. That was the time they had available. :(
I will be glad to have Adam home and have a more regular sleep schedule. It's not just him waking me up (which I would rather be woken up than not talked to for sure!), it is me not wanting to lay in the dark and miss him so I just wait until I am so tired there is no possible way I could stay awake any longer. I just wish there was some other activity that counted towards sleeping. I have decided that if I am laying in bed, ready for bed, with the lights off and listening to my ipod or watching Howls Moving Castle or Spirited Away, I can count that as sleeping. Usually I will eventually fall asleep if I do these two things. I wish Myazaki had made more movies that we mostly light hearted. My neighbor Totoro is too kiddie, Naussica is too sad. I need to add more movies than just those two because they are starting to get a little old. Anyways. That's tonight's saga. (PS I am NOT obsessed with HMC...)
I haven't been sleeping very well for one reason or another and I had been dragging my feet at work and stuff, not going to bed early enough to be alert if I talked to Adam in the middle of the night. So yesterday, I got up early to make Leon a birthday cake, and then dropped it off and found out I didn't have work. So I tried to go back to sleep. No dice, too much chocolate frosting :). So I went to feed the horses, and went I came back I laid down on my bed to watch a movie. I fell asleep about 7 PM and I woke up in a panic around 11:30 PM thinking I had overslept. When I realized I hadn't I ate a hotdog, took my daily vitamin and went back to sleep and slept until morning (with one MINOR 20 minute butthead interruption). So now I lay awake, hoping that after I write this blog I will be able to fall asleep because I scheduled to have my truck looked at tomorrow at 8 am. That was the time they had available. :(
I will be glad to have Adam home and have a more regular sleep schedule. It's not just him waking me up (which I would rather be woken up than not talked to for sure!), it is me not wanting to lay in the dark and miss him so I just wait until I am so tired there is no possible way I could stay awake any longer. I just wish there was some other activity that counted towards sleeping. I have decided that if I am laying in bed, ready for bed, with the lights off and listening to my ipod or watching Howls Moving Castle or Spirited Away, I can count that as sleeping. Usually I will eventually fall asleep if I do these two things. I wish Myazaki had made more movies that we mostly light hearted. My neighbor Totoro is too kiddie, Naussica is too sad. I need to add more movies than just those two because they are starting to get a little old. Anyways. That's tonight's saga. (PS I am NOT obsessed with HMC...)
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Rant
The problem with ranting anywhere: on my blog, in real life, on the phone....where ever; is that you don't want the person (and situation) you are ranting about to hear or read your rant. Thus I am very careful when I am unhappy about something to rant to my best friend or to someone who doesn't have any chance in hell of meeting the person I am ranting about. Mainly though, I try never to say (write) things that I would be unhappy having ANYONE read. I try to never say out loud the stuff that will get me in trouble. I don't need my facebook coming back to bite me in the ass.
That said there are two situations about which I am going to be purposefully vague.
One:
When you want something done, you need to give other people more than a day's notice. I have a problem arising where I had told someone about a specific appointment that I had made with them and told them verbally several times. Now they want to go on vacation over that day that I have the commitment, and I could I please change my plans? On top of that, can I do some things for that person while they are not around? Seriously, I don't mind "next day" things once in a while, I do that myself, but consistently not giving notice? It's enough to make me want to turn off my phone.
Two:
If you want someone to do something for you that you normally do, have it set up so they can do it. Don't ask me to mow the lawn and have no gas for the lawn mower or feed the dogs and have no dog food. Especially if I SPECIFICALLY ASK if something is ready to go? Is this ready? Is it all laid out for me? I can't even tell you how much this pisses me off. Something that should have taken 30 minutes, took me 2 HOURS!
The other problem with that is not have a system to do a daily menial task to make it as fast and efficient as it could possibly be REALLY REALLY bothers me. It's like a ocd thing. I try never to make an extra trip to the car if can help it. Or I will find the fastest way into town and have alternate routes if some way is taking too long. I HATE things that are not as streamlined as possible. Now sometimes, I say I just meandering today and I will go a slower way to town, or I will go shopping at the store and browse not just in and out. For the most part though, I want to do things that require no thinking as quickly and easily as is humanely possible. I will spend more time thinking about a way to do if faster than actually doing whatever it is myself.
So inefficient systems, especially other peoples that I am just taking care of, drive me up the wall.
Ok I am done ranting for now. I feel better. Sometimes, if you just really rant at your best friend on the phone say they can say things like,"You are absolutely right!" and "What is their problem?!?!" Your best friend can also confirm that you are not crazy and have a good reason to be angry.
On a brighter note, today was Leon's birthday and I made a double chocolate coca cola cake. I modified the online recipes slightly, took out the oil, did butter instead of margarine and instead of cocoa powder, I used 2 block of unsweetened bakers chocolate and melted it with the butter. I have to say I wasn't sure how the extra liquid was going to affect it but it it came out moist but not gooey, it released from the pan perfectly and held up well enough to be manipulated on to the necessary decorating foil and then onto the platter. I have to say I am throughly impressed with how it came out. I think I could have used a little less baking soda and they would have been flatter and been easier to frost. Meh, they said they loved it so it looks like it was a hit. Then I was lazy and frosted it with store bought frosting. Maybe I will get a chance to make another and play with these variables a little. :) I really like to bake, I don't mind regular cooking to, I have just been lazy about it lately. I have some recipes for spinach dip that I am going to try with Kale instead of spinach. I'll have to tell you guys about my "gold star chores chart" some time and how it motivates me to do all my "house work." Ever since that went up I have been doing more cooking.
:)
That said there are two situations about which I am going to be purposefully vague.
One:
When you want something done, you need to give other people more than a day's notice. I have a problem arising where I had told someone about a specific appointment that I had made with them and told them verbally several times. Now they want to go on vacation over that day that I have the commitment, and I could I please change my plans? On top of that, can I do some things for that person while they are not around? Seriously, I don't mind "next day" things once in a while, I do that myself, but consistently not giving notice? It's enough to make me want to turn off my phone.
Two:
If you want someone to do something for you that you normally do, have it set up so they can do it. Don't ask me to mow the lawn and have no gas for the lawn mower or feed the dogs and have no dog food. Especially if I SPECIFICALLY ASK if something is ready to go? Is this ready? Is it all laid out for me? I can't even tell you how much this pisses me off. Something that should have taken 30 minutes, took me 2 HOURS!
The other problem with that is not have a system to do a daily menial task to make it as fast and efficient as it could possibly be REALLY REALLY bothers me. It's like a ocd thing. I try never to make an extra trip to the car if can help it. Or I will find the fastest way into town and have alternate routes if some way is taking too long. I HATE things that are not as streamlined as possible. Now sometimes, I say I just meandering today and I will go a slower way to town, or I will go shopping at the store and browse not just in and out. For the most part though, I want to do things that require no thinking as quickly and easily as is humanely possible. I will spend more time thinking about a way to do if faster than actually doing whatever it is myself.
So inefficient systems, especially other peoples that I am just taking care of, drive me up the wall.
Ok I am done ranting for now. I feel better. Sometimes, if you just really rant at your best friend on the phone say they can say things like,"You are absolutely right!" and "What is their problem?!?!" Your best friend can also confirm that you are not crazy and have a good reason to be angry.
On a brighter note, today was Leon's birthday and I made a double chocolate coca cola cake. I modified the online recipes slightly, took out the oil, did butter instead of margarine and instead of cocoa powder, I used 2 block of unsweetened bakers chocolate and melted it with the butter. I have to say I wasn't sure how the extra liquid was going to affect it but it it came out moist but not gooey, it released from the pan perfectly and held up well enough to be manipulated on to the necessary decorating foil and then onto the platter. I have to say I am throughly impressed with how it came out. I think I could have used a little less baking soda and they would have been flatter and been easier to frost. Meh, they said they loved it so it looks like it was a hit. Then I was lazy and frosted it with store bought frosting. Maybe I will get a chance to make another and play with these variables a little. :) I really like to bake, I don't mind regular cooking to, I have just been lazy about it lately. I have some recipes for spinach dip that I am going to try with Kale instead of spinach. I'll have to tell you guys about my "gold star chores chart" some time and how it motivates me to do all my "house work." Ever since that went up I have been doing more cooking.
:)
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Competent
Last night I didn't sleep well. I couldn't fall asleep (too much tea??). Then once I did fall asleep, Butthead rang! So I drug myself awake and talked for an hour and a half. We talked about horses and moving and me not talking much because I was tired. So around 2:30 I went back to sleep. Then he got back on at 5:30 and I was like NO! I am sleeping! Then I went back to sleep and he got on again at 8:30. I drug myself out of bed after 5 hours of sleep and took a shower.
Needless to say it was a struggle to get myself to work this morning. Once I got there I did some computer work and then I started to ride. The riding went great. I rode all 3 of my horses plus one of Leon's. My horses in training are making good progress and Leon seemed pleased with how I rode one of his horses. All in all I finally feel like I am becoming a competent rider. As I drove home today, I realized that the kind of progress and type of work I did today, I could do everyday. The amount of progress I made both riding and on the computer made me realize that if I couldn't do any better then exactly what I was doing right now it would be enough. A little computer work, work on my horses, get horses ready to go to horse shows. If I could get paid to do what I am doing right now I would keep doing it I think. I think it is enough for me. That's a new thing, I am not sure I have felt that way about anything in a long time. I am hoping that this feeling comes to me more and more in the next couple of years. I always have the sensation that I haven't accomplished enough, now for a brief moment I feel that I have hit some mental point that is relevant. What a weird feeling for me.
Next note, Leon's birthday is tomorrow and I am going to make him a cake. It just seems far away to go get the regular coke to make coca cola cake. Yum Yum. 5 hours of sleep isn't helping.
To lovely, you are very welcome for the comment. Now if i could figure out how to get my regular views to comment more ::pokes viewers::.
28 days....
Needless to say it was a struggle to get myself to work this morning. Once I got there I did some computer work and then I started to ride. The riding went great. I rode all 3 of my horses plus one of Leon's. My horses in training are making good progress and Leon seemed pleased with how I rode one of his horses. All in all I finally feel like I am becoming a competent rider. As I drove home today, I realized that the kind of progress and type of work I did today, I could do everyday. The amount of progress I made both riding and on the computer made me realize that if I couldn't do any better then exactly what I was doing right now it would be enough. A little computer work, work on my horses, get horses ready to go to horse shows. If I could get paid to do what I am doing right now I would keep doing it I think. I think it is enough for me. That's a new thing, I am not sure I have felt that way about anything in a long time. I am hoping that this feeling comes to me more and more in the next couple of years. I always have the sensation that I haven't accomplished enough, now for a brief moment I feel that I have hit some mental point that is relevant. What a weird feeling for me.
Next note, Leon's birthday is tomorrow and I am going to make him a cake. It just seems far away to go get the regular coke to make coca cola cake. Yum Yum. 5 hours of sleep isn't helping.
To lovely, you are very welcome for the comment. Now if i could figure out how to get my regular views to comment more ::pokes viewers::.
28 days....
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
29 days
Hello! For those of you who know me you know that there are only 29 days until one of my favorite days of the year. No it's not butthead coming home, thought that would be very good.
We found out we for sure got the apartment today! It's really close to base and the apartments are brand new! This is good, it's a bit from the barn area, but I would so rather have Adam be close so if he has a spare minute he can come home. Adam and I have already started "discussing" the interior decorating of the place. He is so funny. I think it would be cool to get a bunch of different posters with themes from like poster.com and use that tacky stuff to put them up. Then you could change 'em out when you got bored of them. I think that we may go to Ikea to get a lot of furniture, mainly because it is one of my favorite places and Adam and I can agree on some pieces from there.
I am trying to not think about my huge list of things to do before I go. :: refuses to think :: With the days getting so long it is very deceptive how late it is. It's already 9! I just got home from running errands in Fort Worth! I have a bunch more errands I could have done, but I was just so tired. Anyways, hope everyone had a good April Fools. Leon got me today. I got early and started feeding, and I was just about done and he came to the barn and said,"Well, it's nice you were here early and fed, but I already fed this morning." I was like,"OH NO!" Then he smiled and said,"Happy April Fools." He is such a good guy.
Side Note: I would just like to say my blogs that I write in my head on the way home from work, sound so much better in my head than the ones that actually make it to the blog. I have no idea why...ugh :P oh well
We found out we for sure got the apartment today! It's really close to base and the apartments are brand new! This is good, it's a bit from the barn area, but I would so rather have Adam be close so if he has a spare minute he can come home. Adam and I have already started "discussing" the interior decorating of the place. He is so funny. I think it would be cool to get a bunch of different posters with themes from like poster.com and use that tacky stuff to put them up. Then you could change 'em out when you got bored of them. I think that we may go to Ikea to get a lot of furniture, mainly because it is one of my favorite places and Adam and I can agree on some pieces from there.
I am trying to not think about my huge list of things to do before I go. :: refuses to think :: With the days getting so long it is very deceptive how late it is. It's already 9! I just got home from running errands in Fort Worth! I have a bunch more errands I could have done, but I was just so tired. Anyways, hope everyone had a good April Fools. Leon got me today. I got early and started feeding, and I was just about done and he came to the barn and said,"Well, it's nice you were here early and fed, but I already fed this morning." I was like,"OH NO!" Then he smiled and said,"Happy April Fools." He is such a good guy.
Side Note: I would just like to say my blogs that I write in my head on the way home from work, sound so much better in my head than the ones that actually make it to the blog. I have no idea why...ugh :P oh well
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