Resolution?

I thought about making a New Year's Resolution, but instead I just decided to try and get through my day to day life with out the added stress of trying to keep up a resolution too! I can't even do the things I already promised myself I would do! :( (Read keep my house clean... I admire the way other people do that....)

The neurotic not sleeping thing is beginning to drive me up the wall. Every night that Adam calls I know he is going to call or im because I don't sleep well. However I have recently realized that many nights I perceive that I don't sleep well and I am not sure that I am more restless on nights that he does contact me lol. Maybe I just think I am and I am equally restless on all nights.

I sent Adam a sleeping pad to put on his cot. Apparently. it is cold there now. For me being too hot is about as bad as being too cold, one really isn't worse than the other. However for poor Butthead he really does not like being too cold.

I feel like a sine wave above and below baseline zero constantly. Last night I was not feeling well and had a huge flash of doubt for a moment. Then I felt angry and frustrated that I couldn't talk to him and feel better (because no matter what is wrong I always feel better if I tell him I feel a certain way). So that was pretty close to negative one. Today I felt better, it's kind of like the inverse of loving someone, I know it will be way better when he is home so no matter how upset or worried or fearful I get I know in my logical brain part of me that I just can't think about it and that little doubt voicing entity in my head needs duct tape over its mouth. So I am somewhere down this crooked little path, I know I love him and I know its hard, but not that hard and I am trying to walk right down the middle of the road as much as I can and not get off the track at all. So I am at baseline zero now.

Staying on the track doesn't have much to do with how much I love him it just involves staying focused. Someone said to me it shouldn't be that hard, if you really love someone it should just flow. I don't know if they are right. I don't know what right any more. I don't know if I am marching into the sea of lost causes, but if thats the place we are right now and thats where Adam is then dammit I am going to be right their beside him. And if it turns out to be a crazy stupid mess and I should have seen it coming, at least I know that I stuck to my guns and did what I thought was the right thing, and didn't cower in fear of being hurt. I am pretty sure it is the right thing. I wish there was some definitive proof. But there isn't and there never will be.

So no resolution, just keeping the promises I have already made and holding true to the Jenna-Adam course, I have no idea what compass we are going to use. But as I tell everyone who asks me, I am going to do what I ALWAYS do: I'll figure it out when I get there, I will know what the right answer is then.

Happy New Year.