Well I seem to be suffering from the not-writing-in-the -blog bug, it has been going around it seems. Part of it is there is no news to report. No really news from Adam, no changes, just time passing through the hourglass.
I did get to talk to him last night, but it was fleeting, like it usually is and we didn't say much not because we didn't talk a lot but because there is nothing real to say. I wanted to get his opinion on some things and it was so far from everything he is experiencing now it didn't mean much to him and likewise his responses weren't very useful.
In the Disney movie Robin Hood, the hen and the Fox lady(Maid Marian) are talking and hen says,"Well Absence makes the heart grow fonder," and Maid Marian says, "Or forgetful..." That is ringing very true right now. It's easy to be spacey and forgetful during this holiday season. I am not hoping for anything in this holiday season, I have everything I would like. I know that Adam and I aren't going to get any real quality time together. It's easy to get forgetful. The "fonder" part is true as well, I miss him very much and I love him in a longing sort of way, but you get dull to it. It's old hat. He has been very sweet to me lately and I really cherish and appreciate it, but it is not quite the same. The distance still eats you up.
He talks about people there and things that he is doing to occupy his time and they are his world right now. I wonder how that is going to change when he comes home.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
To Be Close
I find I have these moments where I will do all kind of strange things so that I feel comforted and not so far away from Adam. Most obviously I went to stay with his family over Thanksgiving day break. Today I showed Adam's Mom some of the pictures I have that he gave me. They were comforting. You could hear the stryker engine in the background of a clip. The stryker noise was comforting. King smiled at the camera in one of the shots. Knowing he was over there with Adam and that they were not alone. Very comforting.
I smelled the flowers that Adam asked him Mom to get me. They were a little comforting. I am just looking for the little pieces of Adam all around. Any little scrap of Adam comfortness I snatch up. I think it is strange that such discombobulated things make me feel a little less alone.
I pretend that all these things together mean something and I don't know that they do except for me being a little neurotic to bring Adam-ness back into my life. I wonder if this will get better. He called today. It always seems like we talk for maybe 5 seconds, but I know that it is more time then that. I get so excited to talk to him that after we get off the phone I can barely remember what we talked about. Well I hope everyone is having a good holiday.
I smelled the flowers that Adam asked him Mom to get me. They were a little comforting. I am just looking for the little pieces of Adam all around. Any little scrap of Adam comfortness I snatch up. I think it is strange that such discombobulated things make me feel a little less alone.
I pretend that all these things together mean something and I don't know that they do except for me being a little neurotic to bring Adam-ness back into my life. I wonder if this will get better. He called today. It always seems like we talk for maybe 5 seconds, but I know that it is more time then that. I get so excited to talk to him that after we get off the phone I can barely remember what we talked about. Well I hope everyone is having a good holiday.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Thanksgiving
This is more of an update blog. I am here in New Mexico with Adam's family. After battling with the flu and being really sick I woke up this morning feeling a lot better and holding down solids foods. Pam and I baked and cooked and baked some more. We made enough food for 3 times the people. It was a little silly. Then we settled in and watched movies. It is good to be with Adam's family. Good to hear all the stories, good to be with other people who miss him as much as I do. It snowed this evening which reminded me of the last time I was here and we got snowed in. His family is nice, he has a lot of siblings and the have grown quite a bit since last year. Being here is a vacation in its own way.
Well
Happy Thanksgiving Sweetheart, you were dearly missed at Thanksgiving dinner this evening and know that I give thanks every day.
Mauw
Well
Happy Thanksgiving Sweetheart, you were dearly missed at Thanksgiving dinner this evening and know that I give thanks every day.
Mauw
Saturday, November 17, 2007
T-day and Missing Adam
Holidays are bar none the most stressful time of the year for me. I tend to freak out really easily during this time. Last year Adam and I did T-day together without anyone else around because it was the first time we had seen each other in 4 years. I think that 2 hour shuttle from the airport where the most anxiety inducing in my entire life. I was nervous, excited, scared all of it rolled into one. That first hour we hung out was a total revelation. We hadn't changed at all, it was like I had seen him yesterday. Regardless we had a lot of kinks to work out, and we have worked a lot out in a year. I would definitely say we have gone from people who were trying it figure out their lives and then put them together to people who are making life plans together.
It seems like eons ago and I know it was only a year. A year ago I was in college, floating along in college life.
Though making plans like that with someone gives you some solidness. I worry that my whole life is going to revolve around Adam, and when we were younger we both needed to go to college and live our lives. Now I can say he is my life and thats what I care about, in a less clingy and needy way. I have been slightly worried about the possibility of another deployment, I thought there was no way he would be going back now there is a slight chance. You know you just can't know until you are there in the moment what is going to happen. I have faith that Adam, I and God can make work.
I'm happy to be going to Adam's Mom house, less anxiety then visiting my family. I know my Mom would be sad if she knew I chose to not come to visit her, but I don't think I can deal with all those old ghosts that live with her right now. I will visit her soon. Though I will really miss Dad. :( He is overseas though. I will mostly miss Adam, for making the holiday a little less scary, and a little saner. On the bright side, hopefully this will be the last holiday that I will have to be away from him.
It seems like eons ago and I know it was only a year. A year ago I was in college, floating along in college life.
Though making plans like that with someone gives you some solidness. I worry that my whole life is going to revolve around Adam, and when we were younger we both needed to go to college and live our lives. Now I can say he is my life and thats what I care about, in a less clingy and needy way. I have been slightly worried about the possibility of another deployment, I thought there was no way he would be going back now there is a slight chance. You know you just can't know until you are there in the moment what is going to happen. I have faith that Adam, I and God can make work.
I'm happy to be going to Adam's Mom house, less anxiety then visiting my family. I know my Mom would be sad if she knew I chose to not come to visit her, but I don't think I can deal with all those old ghosts that live with her right now. I will visit her soon. Though I will really miss Dad. :( He is overseas though. I will mostly miss Adam, for making the holiday a little less scary, and a little saner. On the bright side, hopefully this will be the last holiday that I will have to be away from him.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
I win! (well really Adam wins!)
Drum roll please...........I am ready to announce the winner of the 2007 Boyfriend of the Year award: AND THE WINNER IS MINA FACE!
OMG So today I was kind of tired and just kind ho humming along. I have been waiting for some packages and I cam home and there were no boxes and I was like hmm bummer. So I figure I should check the mail. So I check the mail to see if there is a notice. Instead there was a brown envelope in there hand written with no return address. I am like who is this from. So I open it. It's a gift certificate to a spa package! I was like how thoughtful! I have been so stiff and sore from all the riding, cleaning stalls, sweeping, and saddling. I had been daydreaming about massage, but it's not really in my budget right now. But there was no note. I thought he might have sent it, but that would have been really hard to do from Iraq. I mean finding one close to me, find a gift certificate, getting them to mail it to me. I called them and they told me that he had sent it to me! I was floored!
You know how kind and caring it is to think of something I was really craving and to do the research that it takes to find one close to me all on the resources he had available to him! I' m a little worried that he knows what I need more than I know what I need. Mauw. Thank You VM Mina. What an amazing guy. I am very very lucky and very very happy.
OMG So today I was kind of tired and just kind ho humming along. I have been waiting for some packages and I cam home and there were no boxes and I was like hmm bummer. So I figure I should check the mail. So I check the mail to see if there is a notice. Instead there was a brown envelope in there hand written with no return address. I am like who is this from. So I open it. It's a gift certificate to a spa package! I was like how thoughtful! I have been so stiff and sore from all the riding, cleaning stalls, sweeping, and saddling. I had been daydreaming about massage, but it's not really in my budget right now. But there was no note. I thought he might have sent it, but that would have been really hard to do from Iraq. I mean finding one close to me, find a gift certificate, getting them to mail it to me. I called them and they told me that he had sent it to me! I was floored!
You know how kind and caring it is to think of something I was really craving and to do the research that it takes to find one close to me all on the resources he had available to him! I' m a little worried that he knows what I need more than I know what I need. Mauw. Thank You VM Mina. What an amazing guy. I am very very lucky and very very happy.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
I should be asleep....
but I have been reading http://truemilitarywivesconfessions.com which I thought was going to be scary, but really is a good place for people to leave their thoughts anonymously and you see a wide range of stuff from petty to justified to complaints to true confessions. It is weird. I sort of feel like I want to be part of the "army wife" scene, to commiserate and share, to be with people who might understand me. However, I know I want nothing to do with the base and its restrictions/ structuredness/expectations, and that MOST people on a base are nothing like me. It's an intriguing community and I am sure a lot of people get a lot of good out of it, but I am not army. Adam is. Army is not going to be a way of life for us. I am not going to move around the country or have several kids and use the base health care. I am civilian through and through. It's not a club I need to join. So why do I feel this way? I already complain that I will be giving stuff up to be with Adam in Washington. Part of me knows it will be good for our relationship. To live in his world, to see what he sees. I just wonder if he will be able to reciprocate when this is all over, live in my world, see what I see. He terrified me in his last blog with one small comment: "I 'll fight this war till I'm told I don't have to and then I'll go home till I'm told to come back and fight this war some more." I really really hope that he won't have to go back. I don't know what I will do if he does.
Reading that site also makes me soo very thankful. Thankful that Adam is an upstanding citizen. He tells me the truth and takes my feelings into consideration. He loves me and cherishes our relationship. I don't think he would jeopardize that for anything in the world. I hope he sees me as the person he can count on, a blue tree where he could hang a swing, or lay against and rest. I hope I can provide a respite that will keep him at my side and not let him drift off to army la la land. I have faith that when he comes home we can find a away to be together despite who we may have changed into during the deployment. I have remained ever true and avoided situations that would even begin to tempt me. I hope he can remain ever true and share his experiences with me to the best of his ability so I am not shut out of his head.
I am so thankful that I have him and I know I would do anything to be with him whatever the cost. Even if it means another deployment. We both can be brave for the other, and I really hope he doesn't worry about me. It's easy to be strong for him because I know he would be strong for me if the roles were switched and he respects who I am. This last year has really been a blessing for me to remember how right we are for each other despite whatever difficulties we have had.
I love you my beautiful, sorry I am so sentimental late at night. Mauw!
Reading that site also makes me soo very thankful. Thankful that Adam is an upstanding citizen. He tells me the truth and takes my feelings into consideration. He loves me and cherishes our relationship. I don't think he would jeopardize that for anything in the world. I hope he sees me as the person he can count on, a blue tree where he could hang a swing, or lay against and rest. I hope I can provide a respite that will keep him at my side and not let him drift off to army la la land. I have faith that when he comes home we can find a away to be together despite who we may have changed into during the deployment. I have remained ever true and avoided situations that would even begin to tempt me. I hope he can remain ever true and share his experiences with me to the best of his ability so I am not shut out of his head.
I am so thankful that I have him and I know I would do anything to be with him whatever the cost. Even if it means another deployment. We both can be brave for the other, and I really hope he doesn't worry about me. It's easy to be strong for him because I know he would be strong for me if the roles were switched and he respects who I am. This last year has really been a blessing for me to remember how right we are for each other despite whatever difficulties we have had.
I love you my beautiful, sorry I am so sentimental late at night. Mauw!
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Bad Girlfriend?
So I go through these phases where I am convinced I am a "bad girlfriend." It's a little neurotic I must admit. I was rereading some comments I left on his blog where he was being down and I just handed it right back to him. I mean who does that? Apparently I do. Regardless of the circumstances, I will not just "get along" longer than a couple days. I can play nice for a couple days, but after that I am not able to pretend like everything is okay and nothing is wrong. Even if it is not a great time to bring up the subject, I do anyways, not caring who else is around or whatever. I am just really bad at hiding or masking my disappointment or anger. Adam likes that about me. Sometimes though, I know I will get over whatever is bothering me and tomorrow I won't even care about something I was so mad about today. So then letting something blow over is a good idea, but usually I can't just let things blow over. Usually if there is a reason I am mad, we both see it as a problem that must be fixed. So I am a bad girlfriend in the sense that sometimes I really should just let things blow over and not be so nitpicky, but I don't seem to be able to do that.
Most days Adam is such a good boyfriend. Caring and thoughtful. He worries about me when he is in a combat zone in Iraq, he worries if I seem unhappy or down. He never used to worry about anything ever. I guess he does now. I am also a bad girlfriend in the sense that when I am down, I think he should comfort me. So he does, even when he is a million miles away in a war zone. He tries really hard to find a way to comfort me. That is really a nice thing to do I have to say.
Despite all of this, all the faults, there is some good about this stuff. The silver lining is that no matter what the circumstances are I am true to who I am. This is something Adam can expect, depend on and count on. Regardless of what is going on, voicing my beliefs, and concerns is always the rock solid place that I come from. He knows that I am not being a drama queen. He knows me so we can cut to the chase when we need to talk about something, which is good considering our normal 30 Minute time limit. I don't have to work up to what I am saying.
The other good thing is right now, it doesn't take much to comfort me. I know he is trying hard to call me, know he is reading my blog and responding the best he can, and know he is doing everything in his power to keep me as informed as possible given the circumstances. So even a little note, or a comment that he found sometime to read my blog would be enough to make me feel very special. I know things would be small to other people, but really do mean the world to me.
So maybe I am a bad girlfriend I don't know, I can't tell. I do know that it just works between us, bad girlfriend or not, we seem to have a system of sorts. It gets us through.
PS If you are wondering why I have been blogging so much lately it's because I have no friends here in Texas that are nearby. Oh well, more posts for you guys.....
Most days Adam is such a good boyfriend. Caring and thoughtful. He worries about me when he is in a combat zone in Iraq, he worries if I seem unhappy or down. He never used to worry about anything ever. I guess he does now. I am also a bad girlfriend in the sense that when I am down, I think he should comfort me. So he does, even when he is a million miles away in a war zone. He tries really hard to find a way to comfort me. That is really a nice thing to do I have to say.
Despite all of this, all the faults, there is some good about this stuff. The silver lining is that no matter what the circumstances are I am true to who I am. This is something Adam can expect, depend on and count on. Regardless of what is going on, voicing my beliefs, and concerns is always the rock solid place that I come from. He knows that I am not being a drama queen. He knows me so we can cut to the chase when we need to talk about something, which is good considering our normal 30 Minute time limit. I don't have to work up to what I am saying.
The other good thing is right now, it doesn't take much to comfort me. I know he is trying hard to call me, know he is reading my blog and responding the best he can, and know he is doing everything in his power to keep me as informed as possible given the circumstances. So even a little note, or a comment that he found sometime to read my blog would be enough to make me feel very special. I know things would be small to other people, but really do mean the world to me.
So maybe I am a bad girlfriend I don't know, I can't tell. I do know that it just works between us, bad girlfriend or not, we seem to have a system of sorts. It gets us through.
PS If you are wondering why I have been blogging so much lately it's because I have no friends here in Texas that are nearby. Oh well, more posts for you guys.....
Easy
Why can't this just be easy?!?!? You know how many near misses I have had talking to him?!?!?
Yesterday, today, the day, before. It's 3 am again here I am, from not quite awake to very alert and frustrated that I realize I missed him again. This is the one thing that I beat myself up about that I can't seem to get over. Logically, if he calls a lot or does anything a lot statistically I am going to miss some, even if I wait around the phones all day. Its so frustrating too when you both put in all the extra steps. He always calls me twice, I sleep with my phone logged into messenger and turned up very loud. All of this crap lie on the capabilities of my cell phone, which really is just a a smaller, cheaper computer and on my ability to wake up when I hear it. Sh*t. This is so not fun and not funny, especially when Adam has been making such an efort to get a hold of me. I wanted to come online and tell him that his efforts are appreciated despite the simple fact that I can't seem to get it together to be ready when he calls. I freaking hate the army. HATE IT.
Why does this have to be some hard and mindlessly crazy inducing?!?!
I am going back to bed I wish there was something cathartic to do to help me feel more at ease, but besides really ranting in my blog and showing Adam how sorry I am that I keep missing him and expressing the incredible undeniable, very tired, weary, and worn frustration, their really isn't. Oh good, he is calling!
Yesterday, today, the day, before. It's 3 am again here I am, from not quite awake to very alert and frustrated that I realize I missed him again. This is the one thing that I beat myself up about that I can't seem to get over. Logically, if he calls a lot or does anything a lot statistically I am going to miss some, even if I wait around the phones all day. Its so frustrating too when you both put in all the extra steps. He always calls me twice, I sleep with my phone logged into messenger and turned up very loud. All of this crap lie on the capabilities of my cell phone, which really is just a a smaller, cheaper computer and on my ability to wake up when I hear it. Sh*t. This is so not fun and not funny, especially when Adam has been making such an efort to get a hold of me. I wanted to come online and tell him that his efforts are appreciated despite the simple fact that I can't seem to get it together to be ready when he calls. I freaking hate the army. HATE IT.
Why does this have to be some hard and mindlessly crazy inducing?!?!
I am going back to bed I wish there was something cathartic to do to help me feel more at ease, but besides really ranting in my blog and showing Adam how sorry I am that I keep missing him and expressing the incredible undeniable, very tired, weary, and worn frustration, their really isn't. Oh good, he is calling!
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Silencers
I found my silencers. They were hiding. I don't have to listen to the dog tags clang anymore because they are safely inside their little homes now. I talked to Adam this morning felt guilty about being angry. I feel guilty not because I don't think I shouldn't have been upset, I feel guilty because Adam had only 30 minutes to talk and we spent it rereading blogs and I couldn't come up with anything else interesting to say or talk about. Poor Adam mauw!
I feel like I am churning in the water over here. I am jumping up an down to to get his attention, but he can't see me still. The worst part about being guilty is I go find bad food and eat it, and when I feel guilty for Adam I go find the bad food he likes to eat and buy it to send to him! Bad Bad Cycle. The good news for Adam is that I am on the hunt for zingers. For ONE box of zingers. And that I just bought his Christmas gift... i think he will like it.....
PS Thanks to all my commenters who have been so nice when I have been NOT so nice lately
I feel like I am churning in the water over here. I am jumping up an down to to get his attention, but he can't see me still. The worst part about being guilty is I go find bad food and eat it, and when I feel guilty for Adam I go find the bad food he likes to eat and buy it to send to him! Bad Bad Cycle. The good news for Adam is that I am on the hunt for zingers. For ONE box of zingers. And that I just bought his Christmas gift... i think he will like it.....
PS Thanks to all my commenters who have been so nice when I have been NOT so nice lately
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
More Sympathetic
Hello
Today I am feeling more sympathetic, so today would be a better day to complain to me. The hard thing is I know that Adam is doing everything humanely possible to speak with me and keep me informed. He doesn't want to keep me in the dark he just has no choice. It seem like such a sci-fi thing to wish that some government agency didn't infiltrate our relationship. I have been feeling under for the last 2-3 days and I am feeling a bit better though I can't seem to get rid of the allergies. I wish I knew of a way to make this space between us easier right now. We both do. I know me getting upset doesn't help, but honestly not much does so you take it as you can. As you can see today I am feeling more logical, it comes and goes.
I hope the butthead is okay and I know he has not really given up and we can just add some of this stuff to our ever growing "we'll talk about /deal with it when he gets back " list. Sigh. For some reason my internet is being flaky on me. Not good.
Today I am feeling more sympathetic, so today would be a better day to complain to me. The hard thing is I know that Adam is doing everything humanely possible to speak with me and keep me informed. He doesn't want to keep me in the dark he just has no choice. It seem like such a sci-fi thing to wish that some government agency didn't infiltrate our relationship. I have been feeling under for the last 2-3 days and I am feeling a bit better though I can't seem to get rid of the allergies. I wish I knew of a way to make this space between us easier right now. We both do. I know me getting upset doesn't help, but honestly not much does so you take it as you can. As you can see today I am feeling more logical, it comes and goes.
I hope the butthead is okay and I know he has not really given up and we can just add some of this stuff to our ever growing "we'll talk about /deal with it when he gets back " list. Sigh. For some reason my internet is being flaky on me. Not good.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Second Fiddle (kind of angry)
Today wasn't even a bad day, in fact for the most part it was a really good one, but for some reason I am in a very prickly mood. I keep dropping things, I have really bad allergies and all my friend's lives seem to be falling apart at once, so excuse if I don't sound particularly sympathetic at the moment. TO anyone.
I would be more sympathetic to Adam right now if he would manage to talk to me at some time other than: a) when I am dead asleep because it's 3 am, b) I am headed to work or at work, or c) I am not there. In fact I should be sleeping now, but I am not, I am up writing a blog. So lets see I get up around 6:30 and leave for work at 8 is, so there is an hour and a half, and then from about 5:30 pm to 10:30 pm I am up. So we have about a 6.5- 7 hour window, thats about a third of a day for him to freaking call me. And you know what the best part is, I don't get to blame him. Because the Army dictates his life. I get to be the bad guy all the time and need sleep, or have to leave for work and feel guilty about going. You want to give up? You can't, you don't get too because it doesn't work that way. You don't get a break, not even a bit of relief. You can't take time off get some space, the problem isn't really that you need space.
So it's kind of like the feeling you have when you know your boyfriend is cheating on you. His loyalties don't lie to you anymore they lie to the army and the people he is keeping alive and keeping him alive. I know that makes sense to a lot of people and normally that would make sense to me, but right now it doesn't. Some days you just get tired of playing second fiddle.You get tired of when he can't "come clean" and you know something is fishy. I am not stupid, just uninformed. At some point you practically have to be retarded not to figure it out, so whats the use in pretending?
It's not even that he can't tell me stuff. I just don't want to be lied to. I think thats a fair and reasonable request. But apparently it's not. I mean even if he said to me,"Some stuff happened and I am not staying where I was before." That would be better than the line I swallowed hook line and sinker. It's not like i can say," You'd make more of an effort of you really cared." I know he does really care and if there were anything more he could do he would do it. But he can't, it feels like he handed his soul to the devil. I am a firm believe in you reap what you sow. You made your bed now lay in it.
You know I am finally doing my thing and going somewhere that I am proud of and I look around and he is not here. I am so tired of it being unfair. I chose the boy not the career, and I am sick of the career already. I think it is the sheer powerlessness. It makes you want to do outrageous and insane things to prove your point. But what the hell I can play drama queen too. It's not like I don't have a life I could be pursuing.
The military tear families and relationships apart. Like Non-Essential Equipment's notion: We become the non-essentials. So for all you naive stupid girls out there, who think dating an army boy is the bees-knees, take a look around and see how much fun it is. See how much we are all having. See the grand drama and intrigue filled life we lead. The cute boys in uniform. Great isn't it? So glad I am investing in this fine culture.
I know I have been really harsh in this blog, but I am feeling it too, and if you want it sugar coated you are talking to the wrong girl. You can bring me a problem and tell you are worried or upset and I will listen. However, you want to keep to yourself, that's fine too, but you better be able to deal with the sch-tuff that comes your way. What you put out you get back.
I would be more sympathetic to Adam right now if he would manage to talk to me at some time other than: a) when I am dead asleep because it's 3 am, b) I am headed to work or at work, or c) I am not there. In fact I should be sleeping now, but I am not, I am up writing a blog. So lets see I get up around 6:30 and leave for work at 8 is, so there is an hour and a half, and then from about 5:30 pm to 10:30 pm I am up. So we have about a 6.5- 7 hour window, thats about a third of a day for him to freaking call me. And you know what the best part is, I don't get to blame him. Because the Army dictates his life. I get to be the bad guy all the time and need sleep, or have to leave for work and feel guilty about going. You want to give up? You can't, you don't get too because it doesn't work that way. You don't get a break, not even a bit of relief. You can't take time off get some space, the problem isn't really that you need space.
So it's kind of like the feeling you have when you know your boyfriend is cheating on you. His loyalties don't lie to you anymore they lie to the army and the people he is keeping alive and keeping him alive. I know that makes sense to a lot of people and normally that would make sense to me, but right now it doesn't. Some days you just get tired of playing second fiddle.You get tired of when he can't "come clean" and you know something is fishy. I am not stupid, just uninformed. At some point you practically have to be retarded not to figure it out, so whats the use in pretending?
It's not even that he can't tell me stuff. I just don't want to be lied to. I think thats a fair and reasonable request. But apparently it's not. I mean even if he said to me,"Some stuff happened and I am not staying where I was before." That would be better than the line I swallowed hook line and sinker. It's not like i can say," You'd make more of an effort of you really cared." I know he does really care and if there were anything more he could do he would do it. But he can't, it feels like he handed his soul to the devil. I am a firm believe in you reap what you sow. You made your bed now lay in it.
You know I am finally doing my thing and going somewhere that I am proud of and I look around and he is not here. I am so tired of it being unfair. I chose the boy not the career, and I am sick of the career already. I think it is the sheer powerlessness. It makes you want to do outrageous and insane things to prove your point. But what the hell I can play drama queen too. It's not like I don't have a life I could be pursuing.
The military tear families and relationships apart. Like Non-Essential Equipment's notion: We become the non-essentials. So for all you naive stupid girls out there, who think dating an army boy is the bees-knees, take a look around and see how much fun it is. See how much we are all having. See the grand drama and intrigue filled life we lead. The cute boys in uniform. Great isn't it? So glad I am investing in this fine culture.
I know I have been really harsh in this blog, but I am feeling it too, and if you want it sugar coated you are talking to the wrong girl. You can bring me a problem and tell you are worried or upset and I will listen. However, you want to keep to yourself, that's fine too, but you better be able to deal with the sch-tuff that comes your way. What you put out you get back.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Reticent
Lately I have been gone and out of touch with both the blogging world and Adam. For some reason Adam doesn't have internet in the barracks anymore. So he has to trek out to call or im me. This has led to a serious decrease in the amount of time we talk, an increase in the amount of time I clean- pick up -take care of me, and an increase in the distance in our relationship. I can quite happily say that the house is finally clean and starting to look like a real human being lives here. We talked about the distance in the relationship and both agreed that there wasn't much to be done about it. We will both just have a lot of readjusting when he gets back. I feel like I am running out of time until I move to Washington and that slight panic is in some ways the best feeling in the world because I know that it means I am running out of time until I see Adam and get to figure out my life with him. My own life plan is very, very, very fuzzy right now and I have decided to refuse to let myself speculate about how I am going to make it work because truthfully I always find away to make it work.
Unfortunately he almost always calls in the middle of the night and no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to make good conversation at 3 am. I try, but I am very foggy. Well I know he is doing well and whatever concerns I have about us or thoughts or worries have to be put on hold, in suspension. Part of me worries thats unhealthy, but part of me knows it is the sanest thing I can do right now. I am going to visit Adam's family for Thanksgiving and I am pretty sure I will find it comforting.
Really there is just not much to say right now. I am trying to get all my learning in Texas done so that I can go home to Adam with no regrets. I have a lot on my plate.
Unfortunately he almost always calls in the middle of the night and no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to make good conversation at 3 am. I try, but I am very foggy. Well I know he is doing well and whatever concerns I have about us or thoughts or worries have to be put on hold, in suspension. Part of me worries thats unhealthy, but part of me knows it is the sanest thing I can do right now. I am going to visit Adam's family for Thanksgiving and I am pretty sure I will find it comforting.
Really there is just not much to say right now. I am trying to get all my learning in Texas done so that I can go home to Adam with no regrets. I have a lot on my plate.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
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