75%

I am 75% packed, and mostly packed in my pod. I was trying to tell someone who I am today. (I know here we go with the Who I am bs again ;) ) I am so many people to so many people. The internet aids that. When it is time to be someone new I log out with one account and log in with another.

I have my personal account (the one that I write this blog in) and then my professional account (sometimes you will see me comment with that google account and I set that profile to refer to this blog....) and another account that is totally separate that s for a different business venture.

Here I am packing to go, I had a great dinner with one of my co-workers and her mother tonight and I thought to myself as I left the restaurant, am I ready to not be this person any more? The apprentice? Part of me is really ready to not work the insane hours, or deal with the unrealistic expectations. On some level that is what draws you together, going beyond the norm to accomplish something. I mean on some disassociative level is that not what the army is? Soldiers working together to bear the burdens of war, army spouses commiserating together to share the pastimes of deployment. There is something there that brings people together.

I would be lying if I told you I wasn't terrified of losing who I am in the whole wash of all the things I am doing right now. However in the same breath, Adam is more important to me then anything and I can say with conviction that making that a part of my identity is very easy for me. I think what i struggle with more, is how much time to put into hors stuff, and how much time to put into career related work. I have really done a lot of research in both things. Finding the balance is going to be the key.

As my therapist always gently reminds me,"Do you have to know that now?" and the truth is I don't. I really need my sleep now. So I am going to snatch some and try and let the worries hit the back burner and trust myself to do the right thing when the time comes. :) Wish me luck.

PS: T- if other army significant others didn't feel a little jealous about my butthead coming home, while their's is still away, I would think they were crazy. I get jealous of Caitlin who is totally army free ;) (and of course living happily ever after!), but I am counting my blessings for what I have.

He Called

For an hour! It's the first time I have talked to him in forever. My friend and I were eating lunch and so it was sort of awkward. He was his typical playful self and that was the best thing to hear in the entire world. Nothing could better then to him be his "regular self." I am fully aware that there may be days coming when it will seem like he is not the person I know. That is ok.

I think I am the luckiest person to have found him. Today one of my friends from college said to me,"Good he is coming back and hopefully you guys will have sometime to figure out if you still like each other." I don't need to figure it out. I know already. That is a good feeling, and talking to him on the phone like we saw each other yesterday has to be the most comforting thing on the planet. He knows when to read me, make fun of me, push me and be sweet. It is hard not to herofy him. He is the kind of guy that when you are arguing and you are ready to give in, he gives in too, and you realize that you both are willing to compromise to make the other a little happier. It is such a sweet feeling.

I was trying to figure out what he wanted from the stuff he mailed home to his Mom's house. He said,"Pack anything the looks important." How the heck am I going to know if something looks important?!?!? I said,"Well, nothing can be too terribly important if you can't even think of what it is to tell me to bring." He said,"Nope, as long as I have you and a place to sleep, I am golden." He was surprised I knew his favorite food. What a butthead. Who does he think I am? I am the life ruining girlfriend. Duh ;) I can't wait until he comes home so I can ruin his life some more.

Night other army significant others! If I can make it this far, you can too! I know it is worth it.

These are the lyrics that are us:
If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

I really want to post

But I might be too tired. I have been thinking all day about something that would be a good blog topic and I cannot remember what the topic was. It was so good and appropriate.

I have failed. Many apologies. It's all just a little overwhelming. OH! I remember now!
I was going to write about how I am trying really hard to NOT imagine what his return will be like or how will be or what we should do or ANYTHING. It never turns out how I imagine anyways, so why agonize? The answer is: because I can't stop! Lol. SO every time I catch my self "imagining" I remind myself that imagine is pigeon holing, so I have to stop. It's hard. You just want everything to be perfect. It is not like if it isn't the world will end, or we won't recover. I know what will be perfect will be whatever Adam wants when he gets home. THUS I am trying not to plan anything. Sigh. I have to move out of my cabin in Wyoming so my sister can have it and my new apartment isn't ready yet so I guess my new home in Washington really will be my new home. How strange. Well here we go brave new world.....

Ugh I am so dang tired nothing sounds good. I am going to bed

Not Everyday

This morning started off with a BANG! There was a crash of thunder so loud it set off a car alarm. I was SURE a bomb had gone off or that one of the local oil rigs had blown up. It was so unbelievable. I though to myself, 'If Adam lived here, would he be able to deal with the unbelievable thunder?'

I have been trying not to blog everyday because it seems a little obsessive. I have to say if I had one word to describe how I feel about Adam coming home right now, I think obsessed would be the right description. It is like I am finally letting myself remember all the little things I love about him. I am letting all his smiles and joke and games slip back into my memory. There was a time there for a while when I just had so much other stuff going on, and so much stress that I couldn't think about Adam being in Iraq. Now, I feel like it is edging its way back into my everyday consciousness. I am counting down the days. I have so much travel planned in the next couple days it is crazy. It is going to be a whirlwind trip.

I was thinking of some of the fun times we had in high school. One time we were walking to dinner with a group of our friends, and I was telling someone that I trusted Adam no matter what, and they said,"Would you trust him in a room full of naked girls?"(Such a typical high school student thing to say:: rolls eyes:: ). I said,"Of course, if he really loves me a room full of naked girls shouldn't change that, and if it does then he doesn't really want ME." Then they asked Adam,"Would you trust Jenna in a room full of naked men?" He looked at me apprehensively, and said,"No." It was so funny! Another time he actually convinced me the gullible wasn't in the dictionary. I am finally letting these memories not weigh so heavily on me.

I hung out at a coworkers house and drank margaritas and was ridiculously nice to her boyfriend. I knew it was because I miss Adam like crazy and that it was time to go home. So now there are bad thunderstorms and tornado warnings. Well I guess if my stuff gets wrecked by a tornado I don't have to move it? See there really is a silver lining every where.

I still haven't folded my laundry. :|

No Good Title

OH NO! An unthemed blog post! Whatever will I do? LOL

In case you guys don't notice I do tend to try and pick a topic and stick with it. Tonight is topic-free which is a lot like rambling about my own life. I have to remember to find my phone before I go to bed because it plays my alarm for waking up.

Today was super productive. I am trying to more or less get to bed on time so tomorrow can be productive. If I don't get enough sleep, nothing feels good. I am working really really hard on honoring my need for sleep. It may seem strange, but sometimes I stay up late for no particularly good reason then have to drag myself out of bed in the morning when all I want to do is sleep. The other good things I have done for myself this evening include taking a shower and putting all my clean clothes in my room and PROMISING myself I would fold them tomorrow. I also did some dishes and wiped down the counters and my table. That is some kind of accomplishment. I meant to do some painting today, but I forgot. Not good.

I did some experimental cooking tonight and it ended fairly well and sort of typically in the idea that a stick of butter can fix almost any dish. :| Oh well. I have some cool ideas planned for Adam's "homecoming dinner." I think I will take some time to practice them BEFORE he comes home. Unfortunately, experimental cooking almost always ends with a really dirty kitchen. I did manage to load and start the dishwasher. Poor Adam, not only am I going to make him try experimental cooking, but he will either have to help me clean up or live with a messy kitchen afterwards. You might want to take pity on him. It was a very educational evening. I have learned that deglazing with red wine, means your sauce will be pink. Who would have thought that I should keep some beer around the house just for cooking? Sigh

I have to say I am so damn tired of being needed in like 10 places at once. I just wish that I could do everything from where I am. I guess if I had a private jet, that would be a satisfactory solution then I could be in Texas, Vermont, Pittsburgh, and Wyoming back to back to back to back. Unfortunately, I am without financing to jetset so I will attempt to NOT tear out my hair. Wish me luck.

Ok I am off to find my phone and hope that beauty rest really does work. I could really use a hair cut. ;)

So much

I am on top of the world today. Lots of things are going well. I got to talk to Adam this morning for like an hour and a half and that was AWESOME!

Last night I was reading over the letters that butthead has sent me over the deployment and I noticed two things. One, in about November we both seriously slowed in the letter writing/ sending department. Two, his letters have a certain ring of uncertainty that I don't feel now. I fell asleep reading letters around 7 pm, I drug my self out of bed at 10, and shut off all the lights and locked all the doors and went back to sleep and crashed again until 3 am. I got up and ate some homemade chicken noodle soup, I went back to sleep around 4 am and woke up at 9:30 right before Adam got on. So I slept like 13 and half hours... Hmmm I guess I was worn out. LOL. Now that I have had a full weekend off, I feel ready for Monday.

Anyways when Butthead got on I told him about my observations and he said, "To be fair, we have been talking a lot more then we used to." Yes this is true, and I said,"We both have speed up in work load since then." Which is also true. Then I mentioned the new found strength, and he said,"Yeah, I see that too."

Who wold have thought that a relationship could grow stronger and MORE certain, when he was in Iraq? It's like we know we can't piss the other off to the leaving point anymore. I think we have some how past that point. In September, it will be two years (this time around), and 7 years of knowing each other. I said to him,"Are we getting the boring part yet?" He said,"Never." I said,"Good."

I think that we are going to be pretty happy when he comes home. We are the kind of people who kind of fall into place. I have a feeling that I am not going to get the break I so desperately crave because I will have other obligations. Adam really wants to go camping and he is going to make me hike. With a backpack. And I am going to be much slower than him. And he is going to push me... It is a good thing I hope. I miss him. I order a new bed for us and I am hoping to have it delivered while Pam and I are making out whirlwind run with the prius. Diesel has gone up to $4.27 a gallon. Maybe I will be borrowing the hybrid a bunch sheez.

Anyways, I can't think anymore. NIGHT.

Putting in my hours

I have been working pretty hard lately. I am logging in the hours and the hard stuff that no one wants to do full tilt. You want good karma you have to make it. I am not saying I am not saying that because I have done some of the difficult stuff I deserve an easy time, I am saying if I put enough good stuff out there it is going to have to come back and bite me in the ass.

One of my coworkers said she would get up in the morning and feed the herd we have going, but then called late and asked if I could do it. She is off with her boyfriend, helping him change a transmission. Talk about love, lol. I told her I would do it. I have been picking up some of the slack I see, not all of it, but some of it.

This is why: when Adam comes home I am going to take at least 4 weeks if not MORE off. I am going to: DO NOTHING -- CHILL OUT -- DON'T F*ING BUG ME -- OFF. I am going to sleep, I am going to baby Adam, and I am not going to worry. I am going to cook and decorate and meet him after work. We are going to dgo do anything that he wants to do. I am going to lounge and use the pool and sleep as much as I want. I am going to turn the place we live into the most comfortable functional space it can be within my budget.

Most of all I am not going to catch any flak for it. I don't CARE what you think about me spending as much time with Adam as I want as is humanely possible. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME EARNING MONEY, TAKING CLASSES, OR GETTING A JOB. I won't hear any criticism from anyone for a month! I am going to ride my horses, enjoy the outdoors and do what ever I can to get me and Adam healthy and happy and do what is right for the both of us. I don't care if you think that what I do with him or for him is silly or over th top. I will protect his down time and any time with my with an unyielding amount of ferocity.

So I am putting in the hours of that's shitty and this isn't really my job, and being nice to people, and putting up with other people's incompetence and problems. I am not talking about work, just ANYONE in my life who holding me down or back for any reason.

I need a break. I am going to make sure that both Adam and I get one.