Welcome to the Army: Corruption and Deceit

I cannot believe what I have just heard. Adam has paid a small fortune CONNECTING TO THE INTERNET. A service provided by his government. He pays the US government for internet access. He pays his employer who takes him into war torn service free area, and cut him off from everything at home, and then says, "Oh by the way, if you want to talk to people at home, its going to cost you."

Adam and I don't even talk that frequently. He already gets paid peanuts and now half his peanuts are going BACK TO THE GOVERNMENT. Not to mention the money his Mom and I spend mailing him crap. It's not even free to send him stuff! I get to pay the government to send him stuff too! I would guess that a quarter of what he makes go back into providing all of the stuff that government should, like um FOOD, and um WARM CLOTHES, and um A WARM PLACE TO SLEEP, oh yeah and a way to F***ING PHONE HOME. The army is short sheeting people and not paying them appropriately for the stress of the situations they are in. This is a bad and unfair system in which you are not rewarded appropriately for the services you provide. You are not rewarded for working harder than anyone else, plus even if you were how the heck would they tell?!?!? They are already working you to the bone. I cannot even tell you about the blisters on the bottoms of the feet, the malfunctioning gear, and the ridiculous sleeping arrangements. No privacy, the dust and dirt getting every where, regular showers are a joke.

Why are they so hard on him? I don't get it. He is a good soldier, he does his job. Why do they treat him so poorly? They have invested a ton of money and training into him, and prepping him, you would think they would take better care of their soldiers. You would think they would want them to be awake and alert and energized, but I guess they don't because they don't let the soldiers eat and rest and have time to talk to their loved ones.

Let me tell you how much I despise that particular establishment at the moment. What an cruel despicable almost macabre thing to do.

LOL Memories of Adam

Today I did okay my horse show, not as well as I had hoped, but a lot better then a lot of beginners.I came home today and started cooking so I can recover from all the bad food I have eaten in the past two days. I chuckled a little when I read Lala's blog about cooking. I love to cook and I love to experiment with cooking. I covet almost everything in Williams Sonoma. So today I made some stir fry. It was okay. I try to cut out the sugar and flour/cornstarch, and I used ground venison. So it was.... different, but good. Then I made a venison-bacon-bean stew. Onion, garlic, bacon, thyme, oregano, and beef broth sauteed until its brownish and carmel-y, then the rest of the venison and let it get brown. Then I got out a big pot and put in 3 cans of beans, this time red, pinto and northern, a can of diced tomatoes, and the rest of my beef broth. Pepper and simmer till it tastes good. Um that took abotu an hour, I didn't want it to get too mushy. It smells really good and is really yummy. That one always turns out well. I guess if people weren't worried about the carbs, then you can add pasta, rice or potatoes.

So on to my funny Adam memory, Dane Cooks Vicious Circle Stand Up Comedy was on Comedy Central tonight. I remember when Adam was in Washington before he left, he went to go see the movie theater version of this stand up comedy. He called me after word and told me I had to see it and that it was so funny. It was good to hear he had fun hanging out with his army buddies and that he had at fun at the show. I did eventually end up seeing it. I just remember how animated and happy he was afterwards. Seeing it on tv tonight reminded me of that. Makes me smile.

Decisions Decisions

Hello

I have a lot of decisions to make and one of them is the apartment in Wyoming and its going up out there with out me now and I am terrified that it is going to be all screwed up because I am not paying super close attention to it. Well I will look at windows and figure out walls, and windows.

I thought some more about places in Washington, but I haven't gotten the guts to call the trainers yet to see if they know anything about the area and a place for my horses. I checked craigslist for both jobs and places. Nada. I am going to have to go and actually look. In some ways I am just dreading it. I don't want to go alone, I don't want to be responsible for making the wrong choice, I dont want to find a place to stay.. Yada yada yada.


I have to talk to the people in South Dakota again and email them photos. I hope my horses sell okay. I have to mail them the breeder's certificates AND send them the photos of the horses. Sigh. I sent off the ad to eclectic horseman today and that felt good. Now I just have to fix the ranch website. Yeay! Now just the horses to Joel, look up horse sales in California. Oh by the way I have a horse show this weekend... I didn't pack anything for it. Sigh, but I did by some new shirts, but somehow they are all pink again. That was all they had in my size :( Wish me luck lol. I am not sure how I am going to do, I am afraid I am going to do worse now that my beginner's luck is over. I feel like I didn't ride at all this week, though I have have ridden at least one horse everyday this week, it shows you how my perspective has changed.

is it really stressful?

I had someone comment today about how I was always tired and that I wasn't doing super long days at work, so why was I tired? Well, I said just stress on top of everything else, having Adam in Iraq is stressful and all the work it is going to take to move and all the other family obligations that I have, it just adds up to a lot. She looked me in the face and said, "But is it really that stressful that it makes you tired?"

Um YES it is. I am sorry that you do not feel like that is not stressful enough to qualify being tired. I am sorry that you feel like I do not work hard enough to be tired. What a ridiculous question! I am working and paying to be here, if I didn't want to work why would I be here? SO under that logic I am not "faking" being tired.

Here lets try an experiment. Let's take the person you love the most and put them in a 9 hour time difference away. Then lets remove your ability to talk to that person unless A) they contact you or B) you write them a letter. Then let's add the stories about them not sleeping or eating enough and the everyday dangerous situations they are in. Now to add to this mix they only thing that you can do for them is to send them things in boxes that they are stuck with. NOW to make things really really fun read the FRG website or the military news and try to GUESS what is going on over there. Add a dash of there-is-no-way-you-can-understand-what-he-is-going through. Now multiply that by 15 months. That is a SIMPLIFIED version of what kind of stress you might be facing. There are a number of other things that happen stateside that really suck to: um no holidays with the person, um the inability to share those special moments... Sigh I just could not believe she said that to me. What kind of small sheltered little world do you live in? Oh well, please God give me guidance to never look upon another's plight with such indifference.

Now I understand the 90% of civilians don't get this stuff. I can appreciate that it's not you world it just doesn't involve you. That's ok with me. But to have blatant disregard and to criticize me for being tired? ummm definitely not ok. I guess I am going to go to bed earlier tonight. But what a joke.

As for Lala, I will be moving close to Fort Lewis(which is near Olympia), Adam told me to go start looking for places to live... fun fun! Neither of us wants to nor can afford to live in a hotel while we find a place. With that decided I am thinking about "house hunting."

Closing in.

Finally after months and months and now 5 months to go, I fell a little panicky that the end of the deployment might be kicking in and I have to figure out "what's next". It's a good panicky. Now here is the question. How do we both go from being apart for 15 months and really 5 years to figuring out how our "books will mingle on the shelves." A friend of mine was telling us this story about how her parents didn't live together before they got married. What her mother said was when she thought about living together before marriage, she decided not to because she had a hard time seeing her books "mingling" on the same shelves as her husband to be's book. I just thought that was really funny. It has some truth to it. There is some merit to bringing all your stuff together and trying to make it work. Granted I have more stuff then he does. Mainly horses and horse stuff.

In light of it all I might just take the summer off as much as I can to try and adapt to our new life. I am one of those people that has to be doing something: have a path or a goal or a point. SOMETHING. So do I try and find a point? I mean THE BIG point is to be with Adam. The other point is to keep riding. I think I might try and do some computer work as well. I definitely do not want the point to be playing World of Warcraft all the time because I don't know what else to do, or to full time "house wife" : laundry, cooking, cleaning, and preening. NO. Well maybe if Adam made a lot more money, but very unlikely. It truly is a pickle. I am just trying to get my head around this whole thing. We have been wanting to be able to even live in the same place since we started dating. This will really be a crash course. I will remember that on the days I want to tear my hair out. If you know Adam :) you know what I am talking about.

Regardless my first horse show went well. Apparently, I am good at this. I hope I find a way to make it all work. Well we will one way or another.

I won my amateur class!

OMG I am soo tired and so wound up. I hope that by writing a little bit it will help me crash. So yesterday I had my very first horse show on my new horse. The night beofer Adam got online and we talked until 4:30 AM. I had to get up at 8:30 AM to meet Leon and get going. So I drag myself out of bed in the morning and grab a shower and drink all my energy drinks take some advil (we had gone out to dinner and I had wine and then chased it with coffee and I had a dehydration headache). So I pack some stuff I know I will need and force down some breakfast. I was pretty uneasy about the stuff Adam and I had talked about and knew I was too tired to ride my best and I was worried that I had blown it and why hadn't gone to bed yadda yadda.

So I am worrying all the way to the ranch and I trying to focus on the task at hand and wake up and it is not coming together. So I get to the ranch and we are going to ride a little and practice before we go to the show. So I warm up, put my best foot forward a get out there, and we do ok, I work one and Leon works one and the other people working with Leon work one and pretty soon we are tuned up and ready to go. We untack(de-saddle) and load up. We leave by noon so we can make some of the afternoon classes as the show started at 8. OK every contestant gets 2.5 minutes of working time. There were about 12 classes. Between each class is a 20-30 minute cattle change, where they change them out and drag the arena (10 minutes) and settle the cattle (20-30). Well it was really cold so the cattle were fresh and frisky so it took longer to settle them. We got there about 1 PM and they were through class number 4, class number 5 had 2 working sets, IE two groups of 15 with a cattle change in between, so instead of changing the cattle once, they changed them twice because there were so many people. Well classes 5, 6, 7, 8 all had two working sets, as you can see we picked up and extra 2 hours in cattle changes there. So we get there, watch for a while, and we have a while to wait ugh, so we each nap in the car about 2 hours.... until 5 pm or soo... still not our time to even tack up our horses. 7 pm rolls around, now its time to get our horses and tack them up. Then begins the long process of warming up with takes abou an hour. Still waiting for my class, I am first in the class around 8 / 8:30 PM . I score a 68; scores run from 60 (horrid or penalty score) to 80 (I have never heard of someone scoring above a 77). People with 74's and 73's. I was a little bummed, but I still had another 2 classes.

The temp in the arena is probably around 35 degrees and the horses have a short coat for showing. But we don't want them to get cold so we are walking in circles in the warm up pen. So my poor horse walked in circles for about 3 hours. But we got it done,

Next class I was so tired, you know that tired when you are driving and its hard to see the road. I was horseback riding like that. Its 19 degrees outside, I am freezing (we were inside but the main "garage" door is open. Its midnight. So I go to my class very sleepy. I get up to the herd and Leon starts telling me what to do. My mind is so numb that I do exactly what he tells me to. The runs just kind of comes together. The horse cuts and we are perfect. I got the 74, only 2 or 3 people scored higher then me that day. So I was happy. Thats a run down of the show. I think for my first show I did pretty darn good.

Brr 4-2

Hey

I constantly think that this blog is about Adam and me and it's true it is, but I try not to write stuff that is just about my life because it doesn't seem like the right thing to do. However that said, part of our relationship is me I guess and maybe I should write a little more about what I am doing.

So I heard from Adam pretty recently, I guess other people from the same group (battalion? Company? Squad?) hadn't heard from their loved ones and were worried. But not Adam, no matter how tired or busy he finds time to get a hold of me. I know that I should wish that he would sleep instead, and I do fervently believe that he should do everything in hos power to take care of himself. I can't help, but feel a little smug to know that when other people are grabbing precious sleep, Adam is figuring out a way to get a hold of me. Talk about feeling loved from the other side of the world.

Adam and I are one of those smothering couples. Most couples need time apart. Adam and I don't. We don't focus on each other all the time, but we like to be in the same room or near each other if at all possible as much as possible. I am told this will fade, but it didn't when we went to school together so we will see.

Speaking of school, I returned to my old boarding school ( The Orme School ) and I met up with a bunch of old teachers and saw all the places and it was so great to see everything! Adam and I have so many memories there. I saw one of my favorite professors, Mr. Brockert. It's amazing how you never stop calling them by there last name. Everyone was so happy that I had brought photos to show of Adam and I together. I bought some tee shirts for us and generally had a good time. I spent so many good years there that it was hard to leave when it was time to go. I would love to work there someday.

I am still trying to figure out where I fit in the world and where I should go next. It was funny to see that most people are trying to do that. It is a struggle and people keep telling me I need a break or Jenna time, but I feel like all time is Jenna time. But I guess it is not so I am going to do what the "Mommie" ordered and take a long hot bath and turn my little bathroom heater on.

On a final note Adam's Mom send this video from youtube, and it is ABSOLUTELY hilarious: The Mom Song

Ugh

I heard form Adam today! Yeay. He was really tired. I had a lot to tell him. He had a lot of stuff to look at, and he had to go too soon like always. Some days you just want to tear out your hair. Days and Days of thoughts about him and things you wanted to tell him condensed into a very tired half an hour. Its harder still because with im the conversation gets broken up and typos and and ugh. It's all ugh.

Who knows? Prolly another long time before I hear from him again. I have been playing so so much WoW, its a good escape, but the real world looms, and is going to eventually reclaim me. I know he is alive and ok, he says his bed is comfy and warm which is the best I can do for him and hope for him. I mean hell, it's kind of like having your hands tied behind your back. What the heck am I supposed to do for him now? And what can he do for me? I really is unfair for me to bring all of my worries and stresses to our very tight half an hour. It's not even like he can process them any way in the small amount of time we have. It's sort of like the fly in the window whacking itself in the head over and over. Tomorrow I am going to have to get out of bed and face the world. Ugh. Does not sound like fun. Well at least tomorrow is another day.

Usually I try to blog to a solution to what ever is ailing me and try and word my way through my thoughts as logically as possible. That is just not happening tonight, logic is just not the antidote today. Sigh. So if this entry does not seem to have its usual closyre (well at least it doesn't to me) that is why.

26 Weeks

Well 26 weeks doesn't sound horrid. A lot is going to happen between now and then. I am going to work hard with my horses. I will have to pack up my house. I will have to find a new place to live. In all of this I am so excited. I mean sad ot be leaving this stuff behind, but definitely ready to be with Adam.

I am excited about finding a life together. I love reading all these blog about people getting married and hoping that everyone is finding their little slice of happiness.
Me? I am having some good days and bad like anyone else. I recently realized that with only 26 Weeks left that if I am serious about shedding some um... winter weight :), that I better do something about it.

I personally have had a lot of doldrums days lately and have been trying to pull or push myself back into a mode where I can feel better about the everyday stuff. I have this problem with being unhappy if I don't feel like I am improving at my work or whatever I am striving to do. However some days are just regular days. We wake up in the morning drag ourselves out of bed and get going (I have to sleep 10 + hours to not be dragging my self out of bed). So anyways off to start my day.

Maybe some day I will have an more organized clean house, have all my clothes put n the drawers and not worry about my weight. Ha that would be perfect, but will perfect be fun? I don't certainly sounds like a lot of work, and less time spent playing WoW. :)

Here is a video sent to me by a friend that I thought was very interesting: Top Ten Signs Your Country is Going Facist

Resolution?

I thought about making a New Year's Resolution, but instead I just decided to try and get through my day to day life with out the added stress of trying to keep up a resolution too! I can't even do the things I already promised myself I would do! :( (Read keep my house clean... I admire the way other people do that....)

The neurotic not sleeping thing is beginning to drive me up the wall. Every night that Adam calls I know he is going to call or im because I don't sleep well. However I have recently realized that many nights I perceive that I don't sleep well and I am not sure that I am more restless on nights that he does contact me lol. Maybe I just think I am and I am equally restless on all nights.

I sent Adam a sleeping pad to put on his cot. Apparently. it is cold there now. For me being too hot is about as bad as being too cold, one really isn't worse than the other. However for poor Butthead he really does not like being too cold.

I feel like a sine wave above and below baseline zero constantly. Last night I was not feeling well and had a huge flash of doubt for a moment. Then I felt angry and frustrated that I couldn't talk to him and feel better (because no matter what is wrong I always feel better if I tell him I feel a certain way). So that was pretty close to negative one. Today I felt better, it's kind of like the inverse of loving someone, I know it will be way better when he is home so no matter how upset or worried or fearful I get I know in my logical brain part of me that I just can't think about it and that little doubt voicing entity in my head needs duct tape over its mouth. So I am somewhere down this crooked little path, I know I love him and I know its hard, but not that hard and I am trying to walk right down the middle of the road as much as I can and not get off the track at all. So I am at baseline zero now.

Staying on the track doesn't have much to do with how much I love him it just involves staying focused. Someone said to me it shouldn't be that hard, if you really love someone it should just flow. I don't know if they are right. I don't know what right any more. I don't know if I am marching into the sea of lost causes, but if thats the place we are right now and thats where Adam is then dammit I am going to be right their beside him. And if it turns out to be a crazy stupid mess and I should have seen it coming, at least I know that I stuck to my guns and did what I thought was the right thing, and didn't cower in fear of being hurt. I am pretty sure it is the right thing. I wish there was some definitive proof. But there isn't and there never will be.

So no resolution, just keeping the promises I have already made and holding true to the Jenna-Adam course, I have no idea what compass we are going to use. But as I tell everyone who asks me, I am going to do what I ALWAYS do: I'll figure it out when I get there, I will know what the right answer is then.

Happy New Year.