Letters

There is only one thing kinda sorta remotely out there that could possible be construed as being good about Adam being away. The letters. When he takes the time to write me letters they are so thoughtful and sweet and deep it amazes me. He cherishes writing to me and doing the little things that make me happy even though he is far away. This makes every agonizing moment without him worth it.

Even the fact that he has to wait and work more than he normally would makes us stronger. We are stronger about our commitments to each other, and more careful about hurting our relationship. We both know how precious this is to us and we both are working harder then if he wasn't in Iraq. I don't know if he was here that he would be as attentive to really putting into words whats on his mind. The letters I get are a small glimpse into his thoughts and dreams. It is pretty amazing to me that he can share himself like that with me. it makes us both appreciative of what we have. It is more obvious how hard we are working to please the other.

I am a really a card sending person. I love sending cards and I buy bunches of cards to send and dole them out slowly. Adam has managed to pick up on this and has started to send me cards! They are adorable. Every time I see a card in the mail I get this huge smile on my face and have to restrain myself from jumping up and down. I know it's a silly reaction, but I can't help it. It's crazy.

Anyways, the letters are the bright beams of light in the fog. I feel guilty because I have a lot I could write in the letters, but I have such a hard time staying awake and writing them lately so I have been a bad girlfriend and has not been keeping up with my letter writing. Though to be fair I am churning out the care packages. I have this care package radar developing. I am always on the look out for things I could put in a care package. It's pretty funny.

Are you going....

alone? "Yes." I said for the 3rd time today. Thanks for reminding me I AM ALONE. I am going to Billings by myself. I have to go by myself. Who is going to "take" me? My boyfriend is in IRAQ! Traveling 5 hours across the uninhabited, wild Wyoming landscape did not help me to feel less alone.

Being Army alone is the worst kind of alone. It is not like when you are single. When you are single you can look or you can choose to be a single independent woman.... oh oh noooo... you get to be helpless, we-are-so-sorry-are-dating-someone-in-Iraq, have-to-do-everything-yourself-wonder-woman. I just laugh. I went to check in and the guy at the desk, asked, "How many will be staying this evening?" "One." I reply. Big smile. Sigh. "Where can I get some dinner??"

So I get to dinner. Only place to eat: the bar. Sit down ferociously reading my auction booklet. Old guy next to me bumps me, apologizes, and uses the opportunity to strike up conversation. Suddenly, my booklet becomes tremendously interesting. Time to get the food to go. It's not that people are hitting on me it's that I exude being alone.

Adam always insists that I stay in a Best Western, because he sees them as being safe. So I do when I can. I mean I guess I should be thankful for living in a first world country where I have the freedom to travel alone in relative safety and the right to carry minimal weapons (like mace) should I choose or where I have the option to apply for a concealed carry permit. A country where no one finds it odd that I travel alone. Where Adam works women are owned, regulated, and treated like animals. I am grateful that Adam fights for American ideals.
To continue my appreciate for the world around me; There is something to be said for having "you" time, but I never really cared for "me" time. There are so many old cowboy songs about loves that are waiting. So you can see how people get wrapped in the endless blue skies and vast expansive landscapes. I am not sure which is worse being alone in a cityful of people or being alone in the wilderness miles from regular civilization. I think being alone in the city is worse, all though people around make me feel like the human race is careless and callous. Though for sure being alone because of the army is the bottom of the barrel.

Time?

They say "keep busy" it will keep your mind off of him being gone. I am busy. It's 9:30 at night I just walked in after 12 hours of being out. I have done so much stuff in the past 12 hours I can hardly think. Fortunately, my Aunt offered me dinner because I was way too tired to figure what to eat.

So here I am, busy. Not mailing packages to Adam and Eric like I planned, or buying mouse traps for the cheeky mouse irritating me and getting into everything, I can hear it in the cupboard now. I am afraid to cook dinner cuz I have no clue when I will find time to do the dishes. Any part of my house that might get dirty before Dad comes is being left alone. Its sad I know. I really want to catch up on my homework, but I have to carefully choose how much to blog and how much time to spend writing Adam a letter because it makes me sleepy. I should shower and at least read the assigned chapters. I want to drive to Billings, MT to view a horse sale. If I go it will be good experience for when I sell horses, but it means I won't have done all my weekend-y things. Which includes my class work. Arg. I don't have a hotel and I am not packed....

Adam went outside the wire for several days, but really who knows how long... So I want to put my nose to the grind stone and not be waiting around and missing him. However at some point you can't keep busier than you miss someone. I am trying. It's supposed to make time go faster, but still it seems like it is standing still. I should really go to Billings because I will have fun and I will learn alot. I am not sure that being alone for the 5 hour drive there and back is such a good idea, but it may not be a bad one either. Ok gotta squeeze in a letter to Adam.

The elephant in the room......

The fights, that's the elephant in the room. No one wants to say they fight with their significant other while they are deployed or away. I mean I agree, focusing on the fight is very negative, and can be not healthy. I am merely pointing out the stuff that when people hear that you are fighting they think,"Oh that relationship is on the rocks." Since people have so many doubts about long term long distance military they assume that's the indicator of it all going downhill. They are wrong. It's not. It's just indicates that you both are pretty darn stressed out.

When Adam and I argue I feel so strongly that I basically lock myself away until we figure it out. Usually neither me or him can sleep until we come to some consensus. Which can be frustrating when you decide to talk about it later and then you can't sleep. It's a little peculiar that we seems to fight more when we are tired.....

The fights are just so much harder, because you don't want to fight with all your heart. We are more careful about saying things we can't take back, because words are all you have. You can't just kiss and make up, or cuddle and sleep it off. You try hard not to stress him out because he needs to be rested and alert for tomorrow. He doesn't have the luxury of a job where being a little out of it won't hurt. It's a balancing act of meeting his needs and yours, you don't want to rock the boat, but at some point you aren't you.

Anyways it's rough at the time, but I feel like it doesn't really matter what Adam and I argue about anymore, we seem to work through it. We both have made huge compromises and tried hard to look outside our comfort zone to see the other point.

Yeah we argue, we are testing the boundaries, figuring it all out. I think it makes us stronger. So yes contrary to popular belief I even argue with my boyfriend when he is Iraq. Life goes on and we march forward as best we can....

Spoiled Rotten

Okay girls step back, I know that I have and currently date the sweetest, caringest, most lovable, wonderful, amazing, Myna-loving, incredible, unbelievable, fantastic boyfriend in the entire universe. For me, there exist no other being who understands me the way Adam does. I thank God every night from the bottom of my heart that Adam is in my life and still talking to me.

Adam and my one year anniversary (for this time around) is Labor Day. In order to make sure everything arrived on time he sent it a little early (so thoughtful and attentive to detail!!). I came home today and there were two boxes waiting for me. One was M and M's in my favorite color with little message inscribed on them. What a great gift. Then in the other box, there was a brand-spanking, shiny, drool-worthy new 80 gb video Ipod. I was floored. It is really nice and it is engraved as well with Happy Anniversary! What a sweet and thoughtful gift. I feel quite guilty because I know I got one because I was drooling over his video ipod when he got his. He is so sweet and considerate, I was drooling over the Iphone too, but I told him I thought they were overrated and he totally remembered. I have never dated someone who is so attentive to me. He listens to me and almost always knows what I need or want. Even when he is halfway around the world in the sweltering heat, and uncomfortable situations, he still find time to think of something to give me for our anniversary. It blows me away sometimes.

Well if you get a chance to read this Adam: Thank you for finding the time, love care, and devotion to spend on me and with me. I love you so dearly, and I hope I can think of something good to get you for our anniversary. MAUW!

Never get used to it....

You know that the Army is unpredictable. You know that just because you think something is going to happen it probably won't.

Lately I have been very lucky to be able to talk to Adam online a lot. He told me he had a bunch of free time so I went back to work kind of carefree. Lo and behold come home and no Mina.

You try so hard not to be disappointed because you have been disappointed so many times.

So sullenly I head off to bed. Wishing it didn't matter to me, but you know it does.

Goodnight Mina. I love you.

Sleep as a Commodity

I know in the army Adam is asked(well... maybe told) to work for hours and hours straight, remaining vigilant through that time and playing catch as catch can with sleep. I have no idea how he does it. My days have been soo busy and then I get home and Adam wants to talk because its 8 am there. I never know when he has guard duty or when he is going to sleep so we get these weird time warp things where I thought he was going to be online, but he felt sleepy and he decided to catch some rest. Sometimes he sleeps when I sleep and sometimes he just sleeps when he feels like it. It's very strange to me that his sleeping patterns can be so flexible.

Mine can't. I have been staying up waaay too late and then sometimes I get up early to talk to him online. I am burning daylight at both ends of the day. Its so frustrating, but as the usual I am doing too much in a day and there is so much work to be done.

Anyways, I know Adam meant to talk to me tonight. He said he was going to catch some sleep around 4 my time, and its been almost 7 hours. So maybe he will wake up in an hour or two. I don't know if I can stay up that late, last night I was up until 2 am half waiting for him half watching tv. If I do stay up and wait for him... I will want to stay up and talk to him. Hmmm vicious cycle. Maybe I'll take a cat nap and hope that he can "buzz me awake" using yahoo instant messenger
I have a feeling though once I am out this time, I don't think I am going to be waking up anytime soon.

"Cat Nap Time!" I hope this works lol. It's crazy how your whole sleep schedule get turned topsy turvey.....

Doubts (read with caution)

Everyone has doubts. IMHO (in my humble opinion) doubt and fear pervades separation. You see all the time on army significant other websites, unrelenting statements of loyalty, hope, and bottomless vats of faith and trust. Soldiers need these statements. The American public need these statements. More importantly, significant others of soldiers needs these statements.

Soldiers being gone strips people of their certainty. So they say things they know they need to hear. I know I love Adam more than anything in the world. I knew this before he left for Iraq. It was confirmed beyond all reason of doubt during midleave tour.

I know that I have to hold on to that conclusion no matter what happens. This is because of the doubt that grows in your mind when someone you love is away. Only so much can be translated through email, IM, phone, and letters. When you feel slighted or hurt or misunderstood through these means of communication there is no good repair, at least for me there is sometimes only words aren't enough and you can't see the other person.

Then there are the long periods of silences, cut offs mid-conversation, and the lack of information seems to encourage uncertainty. When people are uncertain we try to fill in the missing information with stories. When we are feeling mature we say things like well the internet was out for security reasons, he had a work crew that he had to do and we know for the most part we are right. When we are feeling immature or even fearful we might think all kinds of illogical things. I think everyone thinks these things. For me, recognizing that everyone has doubts is necessary even in or especially army culture where it appears that no one expresses doubt about their significant other unless they want to break up.

I know I will have doubts, fears, and uncertainty. No matter how bad it seems, you have to persevere if you are going to survive. I don't have to blindly follow , but I know that I have already made the decision. I don't get to choose anymore, I get to follow what I decided. I decided when I had a moment of clarity that I cannot have anymore with Adam being gone. Now and until he returns I have decided that I can't make relationship decisions. In some ways thats comforting: no choosing as I have already chosen. In other ways its terrifying, I am relinquishing the ability to look at the facts, draw conclusions, and make (as educated as possible) decisions.

Thats what love is about, and love in the army is a whole new breed. I am not going to pretend I don't have doubts, because I do and thats hard. Not only do you feel like you are letting him down, but letting yourself down. But despite all this I do love him and have faith and even in my darkest moments find hope (Thank God!). At some point that's all you can do. (So I guess I ended this with unrelenting hope, faith, trust and love, but the point was that it took me several hours of worrying to get here.)

Not human.....

Well Adam and I got our wires crossed (when you think about it-- it's kind of a bad pun) about when we are going to get online and we missed each other and I was trying really hard not to be disappointed about it and went to bed. I woke up this morning and no Adam. So I ate some breakfast and tried not to be bummed. Then he came online and I missed him cuz I was doing something (who knows what), but when I messaged him, he wasn't there. I was trying really hard not to be angry when I went to work because it isn't his fault. SO I went to work ad one of the guys I work with said to me, " You seem grumpy.. you okay?" and I tried really hard not be upset and I told him that I was mad, but it didn't matter and I would get over it. He seemed a little taken aback, but we went on our merry way.

Later I was explaining to my co-worker that having a boyfriend in the army inevitably leads to some unexpected or perhaps truly upsetting disappointing moments. Then I thought about it for a moment and I had been trying hard to not let myself get upset all day, I realized that at some point its not human to not get upset. That rational loving people who miss loved ones and have to deal with a lot of uncertainty are just going to get upset. It's a little crazy making.

On a totally different note someone left me a really nice comment and I just wanted to comment on some of the things she said. First: It is totally refreshing, amazing wonderful, comforting (at least to me) to read another army person's blog and realize that I am not the only person who feels this way! Even though some days it certainly does feel like it. Especially when someone points out a behavior that you have developed and you didn't notice before and you notice all the time now, like Kaylee's blog about seeing other soldiers in uniform and feeling strangely connected and at the same time distant (I am always afraid I will weird them out if I approach them and tell them my boyfriend is in the army).
Secondly, I think it is funny that she was searching Google for care packages stuff, and I did the EXACT SAME THING, though it was minimally helpful.
Thirdly, I don't know about other people, but him leaving for Iraq was absolutely horrid at first and then it didn't seem like the end of the world and now its just something I live with every day, kind of like cancer only MAYBE not as serious.
The weirdest thing for me is when he is deployed is telling someone that I am dating a soldier in Iraq. It seems to become part of your identity in a really really really bizarre way. Most people are sympathetic, sometimes you get special treatment, sometimes people ask questions or try to relate and lastly some people try avoid the whole subject. Anyways, thank you very much for your comment, it's nice to know enjoyed something I wrote. Good luck with your college friends, I have found them mainly to be not very understanding because they can't comprehend it. It's not that they don't want to it seems like they just can't. Meh I have one very dear friend who understands everything and she is great.

Care Package

Sending care packages is always fun. They take me a while to put together because I like to write a note telling Adam whats in the box and what I intended him to do with it.

My favorite thing that I have sent him are tennis balls. ("These are for when you can't sleep: throw them at what/who- ever is keeping you awake.")

His favorite thing that I have sent is probably his blanky....... I sent him a large handmade blanket (which I made with help from my roommate at the time Brooke(Thanks!)). It was flannel squares that were green and then alternated with squares of blue matchbox trucks. The other side was blue tee-shirt material. The result was a blanket that felt heavy, but was not hot at all. In the corner we sewed a little green heart that Brooke embroidered to say,"My Myna loves me." He likes it cuz it rolls up to be pretty small and usually even if he has to go far he can take it with him.

So when its time to go shopping for care package food I stroll the junk food aisles. I mean lets be honest here, anything that is even remotely healthy for will not withstand the 120 + degree heat for 2 weeks. I mean I am not really sure that you should eat anything that will survive those conditions....

Usually I get pop tarts, goldfish and fruit cups/dried fruit, those are sort of staples and I know he will eat them. He is really freaking picky... :: rolls eyes:: SOMETIMES I get him candy and cookies that won't melt. You get to be really creative . I found these Reeses snack bars... They have chocolate on them, so they might melt, but I can't send him any kind of regular chocolate (and he really doesn't like it that much). SO hopefully these will hold together enough.

Since he doesn't like most power /protein bars I send him those milk and cereal bars meant for kids. He also likes the Quaker Chewy granola bars. This time I am sending him some dry cereal.

Then I always pack the latest bunch of letters and magazines. Sometimes a book, sometimes a movie. I tend to keep a running box of stuff that can go into care packages, because I see things all the time, and whatever I am getting him its going to keep. It's pretty fun.

Then I get one of those flat rate priority boxes from the post office and the customs slips.... TA DA!

Weird Nightmares

Of all the weird things to dream-- sometimes I have nightmares about missing his phone calls and then the morph into nightmares about missing an opportunity to see him! Those are the worst. They make you crazy.

Political....

I had an interesting moment today when someone mentioned supporting the troops despite your political views. I have to say that is one of the peculiarities of dating a soldier.

I am anti-political in general. I have things I care about, but I truly believe there is so much marketing in political candidates that it's not about politics. It's about money like so many things in the US, not that I am complaining, I merely stating that I don't think my involvement would be in politics. In general, I take stock from my good friends and my family and see what they think and make my decision. I know that most people vote how their parents vote, and that can cause there to be little change between the generations, in other words, people are not encouraged to think for themselves and make their own political decisions. I just feel that politics are murky I have no good way of evaluating them. That basically is my view of politics, it churns, and my family lives conservatively, so I just go along.

Then I started dating someone in the Army going to Iraq. I had never really cared about the war. For a while I was glued to the news. I have been told that the reality in Iraq is way different than it is in the news. Am I surprised? Not in the least. What's the point in watching the news? I am sure that what they report is so far from the truth I might as well be watching a TV drama.

As much as I love Adam and I am sure that he would readily admit that he doesn't even really know what's all going on. So what do you know? What is the right thing to do?

I recently read the book Infidel and I had someone say to me that a book like that makes them feel as though the war in Iraq is almost justified. I don't know. I try really hard not to think about reasons for the war and whether or not it is justified because it drives me up the wall. I can't think about it pragmatically or with any educated view, and no amount of reason would bring Adam home.

I have asked Adam about how he feels about it and he has given me his views. I guess if he is the one fighting, it's his political views that matter I guess.

On a somewhat related note, but different vein, soldiers get paid nothing. Yet soldiers' families spend quite a bit of money mailing things to their soldiers. Food, toiletries, comfort things (read:pillows! and a blanky). I think that his Mom and I have probably spent $1,000 sending him things. On soldier's salary, thats a ridiculous amount of money on extraneous food and "necessities". In mind it reminds me of a static about how much of a teacher's salary goes back into a school system.

Families of soldiers are paying for it in many different ways.

I didn't used to be very political, but now I am more and more each day. Though really what difference does it make?