Another Night

Just another night. I am hoping Adam gets on and I know he probably won't. It's bedtime and I wander aimlessly around the in-tar-web. I check my comics ( Ctl Alt Del and Dominic Deegan). Then I check all my favorite blogs which are the ones I have linked. I check google news , and I read any remotely interesting stories, especially any about Ron Paul.

Then I blog. I have this meandering waiting moment. All my thoughts are consumed by him for a short while as I get ready to sleep. I know it's morning there and I hope that his day is starting off well. Another night with out him, but another day down. We have been over the halfway point for a while.

I am not sure how much you can know a person when they are gone as much as the soldiers are. You know who they are from who they were when they left, and who you are counting on them being, but the little snippets that we have together either on the phone or im aren't really enough to know someone. A year and a half is a long time. Even if you weren't doing anything note worthy everyday, you would still change in a year and a half. I think sometimes about how he will be different. I won't say I am looking forward to it, but I am interested in really working together to carve out a life for ourselves together, whomever he has become.

I am falling asleep in front of my computer, I guess its time to log. Night every one.
Night Mina.

Christmas Wish

Well it's officially Christmas and I am heading to bed, I know Adam is just starting his day.

I wish that for Christmas he is warm, safe, happy, and well rested. I hope he has enough of the foods he likes to eat and that he is in the company of good people and has even a little down time to relax. I hope he knows that I love him very much and that I remember how much fun we had last Christmas and I am looking forward to the Chirstmases to come.

Merry Christmas all and I hope this day finds all soldiers safe and well loved.

Other blogs

I have just spent around 3 hours reading Josie's blog: (http://lifeinacrackerbox.blogspot.com). I have nearly died laughing reading some of her observations. What strong person to go through so much and be there so much unwaveringly for her husband. Truly amazing. She is way more concerned about keeping the house clean than I am. I just let it get dirty.

It is so good to read about how "normal" life can be after such an experience. It is so comforting to know that people get on with their lives (even if their husband does play tricks with your car now and again) and go back to school and cope with the injuries. I know it is not what they had expected, but in the face of adversity they have shined. I hope that Adam and I readjust to life together as easily as they make it seem. I know that it has been so far from easy for them, but from the outside looking in what an impressive feat.

Adam wants to go back to college and I worry that he doesn't realize how much work it is to be a student again and how he is going to get back into that student mindset. I mean lets face it even in boarding school we both were bad about getting all our homework done and we had study hall where we had to sit apart from each other and be quiet. Mixed up and muddled with work and what not how is this all going to come together. Reading Joise's blog is a great comfort and testament to how two people can work together to be together. I hope that Adam and I can continually find that like they have.

CONTACT!

So finally I heard form Adam. He imed last night around 2:15 AM. I woke up around 2 with a feeling he was going to get on so I laid there for a while and lo and behold he did get on. We talked about the things we could. He said a lot was going on that he couldn't talk about. I told him all about my new horse and things that were going on here. Man 30 minutes goes by so quickly. It's almost like talking to him was a dream. I am really hoping I don't have to wait another 2 weeks to talk to him. Guess what he hadn't forgotten about me ( Ha no surprise there). He said that he has been working and patrolling like mad, almost no sleep.

Then several letters came today and they are a month old, but good to read. I read them over and over again. I don't know why.

Now suddenly I feel very tired like all the stress is coming crashing down on me and I can relax for a little while. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't feel so urgent about making sure I wake up because he prolly won't get online tonight. This will probably mean that I will sleep better than I have in a long while. It's amazing how keyed up you can get. Oh man. It's only 10 and I cant stop yawning. I guess I am going to give in and go to bed. I will think about this some more in the morning.

Night everyone. If you pray please say one for Adam too, I love him very dearly and hope he is doing well.

Disinclined

Hurry up and wait..... our favorite army joke. ::looks around:: well I am waiting. Christmas is coming, and I never really liked it due it to always involving strenuous travel growing up. I see everyone and their holiday cheer, but this year I can't buy into it. I already sent Adam his Christmas stuff so Christmas is done for me. Anything else I send won't get there until after Christmas so I am kind of feeling indifferent. I got some wonderful Christmas gifts already so I am kind of done.

Still no word. At times like these with no word your mind begin to play not so fun tricks on you, the most silly of which is that you think he has forgotten you. I know he has not forgotten. Chalk another on up to the army and remind yourself that one of these days he is going to come home and you are going to figure it out together and everything else will seem like happily ever after. At least that's the plan.
I hope the reason he hasn't called me is that they have put him to work so he isn't constantly reminded that he is away from home at Christmas. If it were me, I would occupy every waking hour so I fell into bed exhausted, no time for musing before sleep. I think the army does that to them anyways. I just hope he actually is eating and sleeping.

Well here is to hope that other army significant others are with their sweeties and that those who aren't are with their families, friends, and their support groups. If you don't hear from me, don't worry I haven't forgotten, I am just busy hurrying up and waiting. :)

Strong

I haven't talked to my butthead in a while. He sent a CD full of songs for me. The songs range from songs he thinks I would like to songs that make him think of me to songs that describe us. Recently he sent me the song Quit Your Life by Mxpx. It is this form of communication we have. It works really well for long distance. The book reading has gotten really personal as well. He sent me some books that reminded him of us.

It evokes really strong emotions because it is easy to identify with a character in a book or with a song writers song. It's good because sometimes feelings come easier from someone else's mind. Adam and I are fairy tale in some weird ways. Some things between us just are and don't fit in my normal understanding of the world. It would be like if I tried to tell you in all sincerity gravity didn't always work. I just know this about him and reading these stories he sent and listening to the songs he gave me make the feelings they have seem so strong.

I don't know how, but I am pretty sure that the deployment makes me crazy somehow as in not all there and it is not even just coping. The separation doesn't tear me apart like it used to, the not hearing from him for days on end doesn't grate on me like it used too. It does get better. I feel sedate and calm with his being gone. It's not so frantic and freaked out. It's good in someways, I am so much more self sufficient. Little things make me cry still, but I don't even notice it so much as accept it as normal. I don't really care if it make other people uncomfortable either, or that people are still clueless of how the world works in regards to the soldiers. Someone actually said to me today," He doesn't get to come home for Christmas? You would that he would....." I explained, quite calmly I thought, that wasn't how it worked.

Yet listening to his songs and reading his stories makes me feel like I can reach out and touch him for a minute. I just hope that I am not idealizing him in a way that is unlike him. I miss him.

Change

In the army lifestyle, there are things that change constantly and things that follow you around like bags of cement. Somethings are next to certain, other things seems like they are on the whim of someone far away. I don't know if anyone has ever gotten out before their contract was up in good health and without misconduct, once you sign, you are in. On the flip side, no ones knows if Adam will have to redeploy due to stoploss, even though his contract would have been up. No one knows when exactly Adam will come back from Iraq.

We know exactly how much he will get paid, and pretty much at what speed he will get promoted. We know there is no circumventing this system even if you are the best soldier ever. However we don't know if he will have a bed to sleep on, a DFAC to eat at, a place to get a shower, or contact via phone or internet with the outside world.

We know what benefits he gets if he gets hurt and under what circumstances they will release him due to injury, but we aren't sure how GI bill will pay for college, and if he will have to find a supplementary job if he goes to an expensive college. We know how he will be stuck at Fort Lewis until he finishes out his contract, we have no clue how we are supposed to get in state tuition for states where we can't live because we live in Washington.

Hmm it seems like cement some days....

Dull

Well I seem to be suffering from the not-writing-in-the -blog bug, it has been going around it seems. Part of it is there is no news to report. No really news from Adam, no changes, just time passing through the hourglass.

I did get to talk to him last night, but it was fleeting, like it usually is and we didn't say much not because we didn't talk a lot but because there is nothing real to say. I wanted to get his opinion on some things and it was so far from everything he is experiencing now it didn't mean much to him and likewise his responses weren't very useful.

In the Disney movie Robin Hood, the hen and the Fox lady(Maid Marian) are talking and hen says,"Well Absence makes the heart grow fonder," and Maid Marian says, "Or forgetful..." That is ringing very true right now. It's easy to be spacey and forgetful during this holiday season. I am not hoping for anything in this holiday season, I have everything I would like. I know that Adam and I aren't going to get any real quality time together. It's easy to get forgetful. The "fonder" part is true as well, I miss him very much and I love him in a longing sort of way, but you get dull to it. It's old hat. He has been very sweet to me lately and I really cherish and appreciate it, but it is not quite the same. The distance still eats you up.

He talks about people there and things that he is doing to occupy his time and they are his world right now. I wonder how that is going to change when he comes home.

To Be Close

I find I have these moments where I will do all kind of strange things so that I feel comforted and not so far away from Adam. Most obviously I went to stay with his family over Thanksgiving day break. Today I showed Adam's Mom some of the pictures I have that he gave me. They were comforting. You could hear the stryker engine in the background of a clip. The stryker noise was comforting. King smiled at the camera in one of the shots. Knowing he was over there with Adam and that they were not alone. Very comforting.

I smelled the flowers that Adam asked him Mom to get me. They were a little comforting. I am just looking for the little pieces of Adam all around. Any little scrap of Adam comfortness I snatch up. I think it is strange that such discombobulated things make me feel a little less alone.

I pretend that all these things together mean something and I don't know that they do except for me being a little neurotic to bring Adam-ness back into my life. I wonder if this will get better. He called today. It always seems like we talk for maybe 5 seconds, but I know that it is more time then that. I get so excited to talk to him that after we get off the phone I can barely remember what we talked about. Well I hope everyone is having a good holiday.

Thanksgiving

This is more of an update blog. I am here in New Mexico with Adam's family. After battling with the flu and being really sick I woke up this morning feeling a lot better and holding down solids foods. Pam and I baked and cooked and baked some more. We made enough food for 3 times the people. It was a little silly. Then we settled in and watched movies. It is good to be with Adam's family. Good to hear all the stories, good to be with other people who miss him as much as I do. It snowed this evening which reminded me of the last time I was here and we got snowed in. His family is nice, he has a lot of siblings and the have grown quite a bit since last year. Being here is a vacation in its own way.

Well
Happy Thanksgiving Sweetheart, you were dearly missed at Thanksgiving dinner this evening and know that I give thanks every day.

Mauw

T-day and Missing Adam

Holidays are bar none the most stressful time of the year for me. I tend to freak out really easily during this time. Last year Adam and I did T-day together without anyone else around because it was the first time we had seen each other in 4 years. I think that 2 hour shuttle from the airport where the most anxiety inducing in my entire life. I was nervous, excited, scared all of it rolled into one. That first hour we hung out was a total revelation. We hadn't changed at all, it was like I had seen him yesterday. Regardless we had a lot of kinks to work out, and we have worked a lot out in a year. I would definitely say we have gone from people who were trying it figure out their lives and then put them together to people who are making life plans together.

It seems like eons ago and I know it was only a year. A year ago I was in college, floating along in college life.

Though making plans like that with someone gives you some solidness. I worry that my whole life is going to revolve around Adam, and when we were younger we both needed to go to college and live our lives. Now I can say he is my life and thats what I care about, in a less clingy and needy way. I have been slightly worried about the possibility of another deployment, I thought there was no way he would be going back now there is a slight chance. You know you just can't know until you are there in the moment what is going to happen. I have faith that Adam, I and God can make work.

I'm happy to be going to Adam's Mom house, less anxiety then visiting my family. I know my Mom would be sad if she knew I chose to not come to visit her, but I don't think I can deal with all those old ghosts that live with her right now. I will visit her soon. Though I will really miss Dad. :( He is overseas though. I will mostly miss Adam, for making the holiday a little less scary, and a little saner. On the bright side, hopefully this will be the last holiday that I will have to be away from him.

I win! (well really Adam wins!)

Drum roll please...........I am ready to announce the winner of the 2007 Boyfriend of the Year award: AND THE WINNER IS MINA FACE!

OMG So today I was kind of tired and just kind ho humming along. I have been waiting for some packages and I cam home and there were no boxes and I was like hmm bummer. So I figure I should check the mail. So I check the mail to see if there is a notice. Instead there was a brown envelope in there hand written with no return address. I am like who is this from. So I open it. It's a gift certificate to a spa package! I was like how thoughtful! I have been so stiff and sore from all the riding, cleaning stalls, sweeping, and saddling. I had been daydreaming about massage, but it's not really in my budget right now. But there was no note. I thought he might have sent it, but that would have been really hard to do from Iraq. I mean finding one close to me, find a gift certificate, getting them to mail it to me. I called them and they told me that he had sent it to me! I was floored!

You know how kind and caring it is to think of something I was really craving and to do the research that it takes to find one close to me all on the resources he had available to him! I' m a little worried that he knows what I need more than I know what I need. Mauw. Thank You VM Mina. What an amazing guy. I am very very lucky and very very happy.

I should be asleep....

but I have been reading http://truemilitarywivesconfessions.com which I thought was going to be scary, but really is a good place for people to leave their thoughts anonymously and you see a wide range of stuff from petty to justified to complaints to true confessions. It is weird. I sort of feel like I want to be part of the "army wife" scene, to commiserate and share, to be with people who might understand me. However, I know I want nothing to do with the base and its restrictions/ structuredness/expectations, and that MOST people on a base are nothing like me. It's an intriguing community and I am sure a lot of people get a lot of good out of it, but I am not army. Adam is. Army is not going to be a way of life for us. I am not going to move around the country or have several kids and use the base health care. I am civilian through and through. It's not a club I need to join. So why do I feel this way? I already complain that I will be giving stuff up to be with Adam in Washington. Part of me knows it will be good for our relationship. To live in his world, to see what he sees. I just wonder if he will be able to reciprocate when this is all over, live in my world, see what I see. He terrified me in his last blog with one small comment: "I 'll fight this war till I'm told I don't have to and then I'll go home till I'm told to come back and fight this war some more." I really really hope that he won't have to go back. I don't know what I will do if he does.

Reading that site also makes me soo very thankful. Thankful that Adam is an upstanding citizen. He tells me the truth and takes my feelings into consideration. He loves me and cherishes our relationship. I don't think he would jeopardize that for anything in the world. I hope he sees me as the person he can count on, a blue tree where he could hang a swing, or lay against and rest. I hope I can provide a respite that will keep him at my side and not let him drift off to army la la land. I have faith that when he comes home we can find a away to be together despite who we may have changed into during the deployment. I have remained ever true and avoided situations that would even begin to tempt me. I hope he can remain ever true and share his experiences with me to the best of his ability so I am not shut out of his head.

I am so thankful that I have him and I know I would do anything to be with him whatever the cost. Even if it means another deployment. We both can be brave for the other, and I really hope he doesn't worry about me. It's easy to be strong for him because I know he would be strong for me if the roles were switched and he respects who I am. This last year has really been a blessing for me to remember how right we are for each other despite whatever difficulties we have had.

I love you my beautiful, sorry I am so sentimental late at night. Mauw!

Bad Girlfriend?

So I go through these phases where I am convinced I am a "bad girlfriend." It's a little neurotic I must admit. I was rereading some comments I left on his blog where he was being down and I just handed it right back to him. I mean who does that? Apparently I do. Regardless of the circumstances, I will not just "get along" longer than a couple days. I can play nice for a couple days, but after that I am not able to pretend like everything is okay and nothing is wrong. Even if it is not a great time to bring up the subject, I do anyways, not caring who else is around or whatever. I am just really bad at hiding or masking my disappointment or anger. Adam likes that about me. Sometimes though, I know I will get over whatever is bothering me and tomorrow I won't even care about something I was so mad about today. So then letting something blow over is a good idea, but usually I can't just let things blow over. Usually if there is a reason I am mad, we both see it as a problem that must be fixed. So I am a bad girlfriend in the sense that sometimes I really should just let things blow over and not be so nitpicky, but I don't seem to be able to do that.

Most days Adam is such a good boyfriend. Caring and thoughtful. He worries about me when he is in a combat zone in Iraq, he worries if I seem unhappy or down. He never used to worry about anything ever. I guess he does now. I am also a bad girlfriend in the sense that when I am down, I think he should comfort me. So he does, even when he is a million miles away in a war zone. He tries really hard to find a way to comfort me. That is really a nice thing to do I have to say.

Despite all of this, all the faults, there is some good about this stuff. The silver lining is that no matter what the circumstances are I am true to who I am. This is something Adam can expect, depend on and count on. Regardless of what is going on, voicing my beliefs, and concerns is always the rock solid place that I come from. He knows that I am not being a drama queen. He knows me so we can cut to the chase when we need to talk about something, which is good considering our normal 30 Minute time limit. I don't have to work up to what I am saying.

The other good thing is right now, it doesn't take much to comfort me. I know he is trying hard to call me, know he is reading my blog and responding the best he can, and know he is doing everything in his power to keep me as informed as possible given the circumstances. So even a little note, or a comment that he found sometime to read my blog would be enough to make me feel very special. I know things would be small to other people, but really do mean the world to me.

So maybe I am a bad girlfriend I don't know, I can't tell. I do know that it just works between us, bad girlfriend or not, we seem to have a system of sorts. It gets us through.

PS If you are wondering why I have been blogging so much lately it's because I have no friends here in Texas that are nearby. Oh well, more posts for you guys.....

Easy

Why can't this just be easy?!?!? You know how many near misses I have had talking to him?!?!?


Yesterday, today, the day, before. It's 3 am again here I am, from not quite awake to very alert and frustrated that I realize I missed him again. This is the one thing that I beat myself up about that I can't seem to get over. Logically, if he calls a lot or does anything a lot statistically I am going to miss some, even if I wait around the phones all day. Its so frustrating too when you both put in all the extra steps. He always calls me twice, I sleep with my phone logged into messenger and turned up very loud. All of this crap lie on the capabilities of my cell phone, which really is just a a smaller, cheaper computer and on my ability to wake up when I hear it. Sh*t. This is so not fun and not funny, especially when Adam has been making such an efort to get a hold of me. I wanted to come online and tell him that his efforts are appreciated despite the simple fact that I can't seem to get it together to be ready when he calls. I freaking hate the army. HATE IT.

Why does this have to be some hard and mindlessly crazy inducing?!?!
I am going back to bed I wish there was something cathartic to do to help me feel more at ease, but besides really ranting in my blog and showing Adam how sorry I am that I keep missing him and expressing the incredible undeniable, very tired, weary, and worn frustration, their really isn't. Oh good, he is calling!

Silencers

I found my silencers. They were hiding. I don't have to listen to the dog tags clang anymore because they are safely inside their little homes now. I talked to Adam this morning felt guilty about being angry. I feel guilty not because I don't think I shouldn't have been upset, I feel guilty because Adam had only 30 minutes to talk and we spent it rereading blogs and I couldn't come up with anything else interesting to say or talk about. Poor Adam mauw!

I feel like I am churning in the water over here. I am jumping up an down to to get his attention, but he can't see me still. The worst part about being guilty is I go find bad food and eat it, and when I feel guilty for Adam I go find the bad food he likes to eat and buy it to send to him! Bad Bad Cycle. The good news for Adam is that I am on the hunt for zingers. For ONE box of zingers. And that I just bought his Christmas gift... i think he will like it.....

PS Thanks to all my commenters who have been so nice when I have been NOT so nice lately

More Sympathetic

Hello

Today I am feeling more sympathetic, so today would be a better day to complain to me. The hard thing is I know that Adam is doing everything humanely possible to speak with me and keep me informed. He doesn't want to keep me in the dark he just has no choice. It seem like such a sci-fi thing to wish that some government agency didn't infiltrate our relationship. I have been feeling under for the last 2-3 days and I am feeling a bit better though I can't seem to get rid of the allergies. I wish I knew of a way to make this space between us easier right now. We both do. I know me getting upset doesn't help, but honestly not much does so you take it as you can. As you can see today I am feeling more logical, it comes and goes.

I hope the butthead is okay and I know he has not really given up and we can just add some of this stuff to our ever growing "we'll talk about /deal with it when he gets back " list. Sigh. For some reason my internet is being flaky on me. Not good.

Second Fiddle (kind of angry)

Today wasn't even a bad day, in fact for the most part it was a really good one, but for some reason I am in a very prickly mood. I keep dropping things, I have really bad allergies and all my friend's lives seem to be falling apart at once, so excuse if I don't sound particularly sympathetic at the moment. TO anyone.

I would be more sympathetic to Adam right now if he would manage to talk to me at some time other than: a) when I am dead asleep because it's 3 am, b) I am headed to work or at work, or c) I am not there. In fact I should be sleeping now, but I am not, I am up writing a blog. So lets see I get up around 6:30 and leave for work at 8 is, so there is an hour and a half, and then from about 5:30 pm to 10:30 pm I am up. So we have about a 6.5- 7 hour window, thats about a third of a day for him to freaking call me. And you know what the best part is, I don't get to blame him. Because the Army dictates his life. I get to be the bad guy all the time and need sleep, or have to leave for work and feel guilty about going. You want to give up? You can't, you don't get too because it doesn't work that way. You don't get a break, not even a bit of relief. You can't take time off get some space, the problem isn't really that you need space.

So it's kind of like the feeling you have when you know your boyfriend is cheating on you. His loyalties don't lie to you anymore they lie to the army and the people he is keeping alive and keeping him alive. I know that makes sense to a lot of people and normally that would make sense to me, but right now it doesn't. Some days you just get tired of playing second fiddle.You get tired of when he can't "come clean" and you know something is fishy. I am not stupid, just uninformed. At some point you practically have to be retarded not to figure it out, so whats the use in pretending?
It's not even that he can't tell me stuff. I just don't want to be lied to. I think thats a fair and reasonable request. But apparently it's not. I mean even if he said to me,"Some stuff happened and I am not staying where I was before." That would be better than the line I swallowed hook line and sinker. It's not like i can say," You'd make more of an effort of you really cared." I know he does really care and if there were anything more he could do he would do it. But he can't, it feels like he handed his soul to the devil. I am a firm believe in you reap what you sow. You made your bed now lay in it.

You know I am finally doing my thing and going somewhere that I am proud of and I look around and he is not here. I am so tired of it being unfair. I chose the boy not the career, and I am sick of the career already. I think it is the sheer powerlessness. It makes you want to do outrageous and insane things to prove your point. But what the hell I can play drama queen too. It's not like I don't have a life I could be pursuing.

The military tear families and relationships apart. Like Non-Essential Equipment's notion: We become the non-essentials. So for all you naive stupid girls out there, who think dating an army boy is the bees-knees, take a look around and see how much fun it is. See how much we are all having. See the grand drama and intrigue filled life we lead. The cute boys in uniform. Great isn't it? So glad I am investing in this fine culture.

I know I have been really harsh in this blog, but I am feeling it too, and if you want it sugar coated you are talking to the wrong girl. You can bring me a problem and tell you are worried or upset and I will listen. However, you want to keep to yourself, that's fine too, but you better be able to deal with the sch-tuff that comes your way. What you put out you get back.

Reticent

Lately I have been gone and out of touch with both the blogging world and Adam. For some reason Adam doesn't have internet in the barracks anymore. So he has to trek out to call or im me. This has led to a serious decrease in the amount of time we talk, an increase in the amount of time I clean- pick up -take care of me, and an increase in the distance in our relationship. I can quite happily say that the house is finally clean and starting to look like a real human being lives here. We talked about the distance in the relationship and both agreed that there wasn't much to be done about it. We will both just have a lot of readjusting when he gets back. I feel like I am running out of time until I move to Washington and that slight panic is in some ways the best feeling in the world because I know that it means I am running out of time until I see Adam and get to figure out my life with him. My own life plan is very, very, very fuzzy right now and I have decided to refuse to let myself speculate about how I am going to make it work because truthfully I always find away to make it work.

Unfortunately he almost always calls in the middle of the night and no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to make good conversation at 3 am. I try, but I am very foggy. Well I know he is doing well and whatever concerns I have about us or thoughts or worries have to be put on hold, in suspension. Part of me worries thats unhealthy, but part of me knows it is the sanest thing I can do right now. I am going to visit Adam's family for Thanksgiving and I am pretty sure I will find it comforting.

Really there is just not much to say right now. I am trying to get all my learning in Texas done so that I can go home to Adam with no regrets. I have a lot on my plate.

I LIVE!

I have internet again! Yeay!

TTYS!

Jenna

My horses must hate me

We have been traveling hard for 2 days and I am going to make them get on the trailer again tomorrow. Tomorrow it is only a 5 hour trip which isn't so bad.

I am going to hate myself come Monday. I don't have internet at my new place yet. I might have to settle for DSL. Adam is going to try to get a hold of me and for some reason (he broke his headset or the people he is with are sleeping etc etc) he will only be able to internet me and I will be internet free.

I am trying so hard to think of positive things about next year when Adam comes back and all I can think about is how I have no idea how we are going to make this work. So today in the car I decided that I am not going to think about it anymore. I am not going to wreck this amazing opportunity I have in Texas for the next 7 months with worry about my future. I have to do this for myself or I know I will regret it forever. So I have to use this time that I am not tied to the whims of the army wisely. Once Adam comes back I know we will be tethered at the hip and I will be practically unable to be away from him for many many reasons. I think it will be good for me to be as independant as I can before Adam gets back.

When Adam left for Iraq I gained weight practically uncontrollably and I think I am ready to address this bad habit into which I have allowed myself to participate. I notice that a lot of women try to lose weight during their significant other's deployment. So in that spirit, I am not going to try to lose weight per se, I am just going to try to eat more healthily and get more exercise and hopefully that will impact my waist line more positively than my current eating habits :D. We'll see. Currently no promises. So tired.I thought I would be talking to Adam again by now, but apparently that is not the case, so i will leave a bunch of messages around the internet to remind him that I am thinking of him.

What Good May Come...

I was recently watching Signs, and in case you haven't seen the movie Mel Gibson plays a reverend who has lost his faith. His brother, played by Joaquin Phoenix, says, "Can't you be like you used to be [meaning he wants Mel to act like a reverend again]? I could use some comfort." Mel's character explains that there are two types of people in the world, one type that believe things happen for a reason and they can count on God. Phoenix professes his belief in that there is someone looking out for him in particular. Mel's character talks about type two who see life as a series of coincidences and they know they are on their own. Finally Phoenix asks, "What type are you?" and Mel smiles and says, "Are you comforted?" Phoenix concedes he is, and so Mel says,"Then what does it matter?"

I bring up this blurb because I was thinking about the blog I wanted to write today and the topic that came to mind related to that passage. I had a minor meltdown today of being tired of traveling alone, of being unsure about my place in the world and getting really angry about Adam being gone, to the point where I was almost ready to throw things.

Recently I have been talking to several friends about their long term commitments (relationships and marriages) and how they seem to be headed south. This really suprised me because I thought these people would stay together forever. They have children; they are committed. Apparently this is not so, nothing is written in stone. I mean I guess I do intuitively know that, but I thought they were above the "system" or what not.

I am the first type. I believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe Adam being gone makes us try harder and is setting up a better foundation for us in the long run. Maybe Adam being gone makes us have a better appreciation for the other. Maybe Adam being gone teaches us to compromise in ways we would have been inflexible for any other reason. Maybe if Adam hadn't been deployed we wouldn't have tried hard enough and we would have fallen apart again. I think that some of the above statements have some truth in them. Maybe I can find less to be angry and frustrated about, and more to appreciate. And in the long run if it did just turn out to be a coincidence, and all my reasons where just made up and I am alone: Would it matter? No probably not.

Update

I made a comic of Adam today in my 5 hour wait in the airport. I think its cute, click on the word comic underneath the picture to see it big....

Oh yeah, I added some more links....

Just Miserable

So here I am the DFW airport hanging out, waiting for my flight when I hear this cheering and yelling. I look over less then two gates away an army plane of GIs is deboarding and all the happy families and wifes and everyone is cheering for the soldiers coming home. I get up and leave the gate area. I can't seem to stop crying. I knew they flew in here, but I didn't realize they would be so close. All these happy family get their soldiers back. I want mine back to. I guess that's not the way it works, today's not my day and I get to wait until another day.

I want to happy for them, and I am, but that doesn't make it any easier to see the soldier and hear the cheers. Now they are all going to come flooding by me. I get to watch them head off to where ever they are going to continue on their journeys. I wonder how the soldiers feel about their deboarding party. I bet it's hard for some know they still have two more plane flights until they get to their home. I know I would have a hard time with it, but I am really sensitive to things like that. Oh well, my flight doesn't leave for a while so I think I will hide out a couple of gates away until things die down a little and I can get the crying under control. People are staring at me, but I don't really care because they would be crying to I am sure.

The Roller Coaster

It's really late to me and I am really tired. I just finished driving from Colorado Springs to Weatherford, TX and I probably should just go to sleep. However I find if I tell myself I will blog in the morning whatever I was thinking about doesn't seem important enough to blog. On top of that, when you sit in the car on empty roads for 11 straight you can't help, but think. So I have been thinking all day in the uhaul about everything and I would definitely say that I think about Adam and stuff pertaining to Adam more than I think about anything else.

Dating Adam is like riding a roller coaster, sometimes we are going uphill of riding downward, sometimes it's exhilarating and sometimes it's scary. Have you been on a roller coaster and you just don't feel like you are strapped in enough? Like if you weren't holding on for dear life you could slip out of the restraints and fall? I feel like that sometimes. I am committed to riding the relationship out, but sometimes I feel like if I don't hold on tightly that it is going to slip away from me. That's a worrisome feeling. During my driving today I couldn't quite pin down why I was feeling that way. I have felt sort of disconnected because Adam and I were trying to find a way to talk since a box of ammo fell on his skype headset and it doesn't work currently. So after being frustrated by the lack of good internet, when we finally did talk I forgot all the stuff I was going to tell him and I didn't really have much to say. This a very irritating cycle. I woke up in the middle of the might and I saw he was online, but since I needed to get on the road today I told him that I couldn't talk because it was 2 am. He wasn't on this morning when I got up, no message, so I am assuming a black out, and no message tonight. Some days it seems almost more than I can take. So angry making sometimes, I hate the whole situation top to bottom. I hate the military, I hate the fact that he signed up, I hate having to move by myself, I hate being tired and only getting to talk to him by im, I hate when things break and I have to help him replaced them because finding the right thing is important then waiting for him to get it, I am just fed up with the entire system!

Just have to look for the next big uphill on the roller coaster, it's out there you have to hold on for dear life until you get there...

Close at Hand

Well Adam has become close at hand again (meaning I can talk to him) and I feel as though we have settled into a comfortable routine. We sort of resolved some of the lingering things that had been kind of hanging over our heads and talked for along time last night. That feels really good. All I can say about it is at least the bad days give you a perspective for the good days. Kaylie's boyfriend, Austin, made it home for a while LUCKY GIRL! I am so happy for her, I think being an army significant other you feel joy for people when their significant other comes home in way that make "normal" people confused, but regardless, I think lots of people in their camp will sleep better.

I have decided to go visit Adam's family for whatever time I get off from Thanksgiving. Adam's Mom (Pam) likes to cook and I like to cook so I think Adam can expect cookies in the mail. Plus I know they are the only people who can listen to me talk about Adam 24/7 and not want to kill me at the end of the day. I don't know, it just seems like the right thing to do. Plus then I an tease him about his new car and hang out with his sib-os.

It's a good way to feel close to Adam even though he is far. I know he will feel a little homesick, but then he will have one place to reach us all. Anyways I think that it may be less stressful then hanging with my own family cuz his family doesn't really know stories about me and I won't have to hear the stories about the time I did X, Y, or Z. That will be VERY nice. Plus when you want to visit someone else's family you are committed and I don't mean like being crazy. I mean you know that you aren't think about how awkward it will be if you break up, because those thoughts don't bother your mind any more and that's peace of mind. That's the anchor that makes you feel good about the day to day.

Upbeat but decidedly so

So I realized perusing my blogs of late that I have very upbeat in the blogs which strikes me as quite funny because you think that would reflect that Adam and I have settled into some comfortable state where we aren't arguing and we are coping and yadda yadda! Au contraire! Mostly it has been that the arguments aren't fit for polite company and as much as I am into being candid and brutally honest somethings are really just too personal.

In the broad face of things we have pretty much decided that fighting is pointless, there is absolutely JACK we can do at this point in time. That very logical fact does not always stop us from arguing, but it does allow us to put the argument away and say "lets talk about something else" in a guilt-free manner. I like things that are guilt-free.

We are reading a book together, but the book I chose hits a little close to home sooooo we are careful when we discuss this. We have had a bunch of set backs and honestly 2 days ago the problems and worries seemed really present and I was having a hard time focusing and basically life just sucked. Now I am getting over the things that were throwing me for a loop (like having to move to Texas 100% BY MYSELF!). I have found that for me time fixes just about everything. So yes we have had some pretty unhappy low points, but at the same time I feel like I can say to Adam we knew these really hard days would come. You swallow your bitter pill, pick up the pieces and move on together the best you can. It's ad hoc, but in the scheme of the rest of our lives, it is a drop in the bucket.

Fortunately everything has an upside, and our upside is this: I am hoping that when he gets back the trials and tribulations we have gone through will cement us together, and more "regular" or "normal" problems will seem trivial. That we will have passed a test of rigor that unknown to other couples. That part is comforting.

Adam is unreachable for a while, so here is a little wish of good will to him that he is safe and okay and that he knows I love him dearly and wouldn't trade our relationship for anything in the world. Not even for a cutting championship (though I might be tempted BUT only for a millisecond).

Pan's Labyrinth

So I had a pretty busy, seemingly long day and I am trying to break out of some of my bad habits (ie watching TV all night because I don't wanna deal with the world). I thought I would put on a movie and clean my room. I remembered that I still had all of Adam's DVD's so I was flipping through them and I found Pan's Labyrinth, I had been wanting to see it forever. Well it is not the best choice for cleaning my room because it is subtitled and if your eyes are off the screen you are missing dialog, even I can't read that fast.

I don't know about other army significant others, but I have basically sworn off all war movies, shows that talk about the army, movies that take place in the middle east, and anything talking about or having to do with soldiers or war. Movies are fictional and hit too close to home, and the last thing I need is worrying about Adam in a situation that is so far from reality because it was made in Hollywood. It's just too difficult to separate out what is real and what is not. I know it's silly, but that is an easy way to cope right now.

That said Pan's Labyrinth is a war movie and it really speaks to the kind of community and environment that war creates and promotes. Despite all that the movie was amazing and moving. Very well done, the characters and costumes were perfect, so was the plot. Just far enough out there to be fantasy, but with enough tie in to be real. I have to say that in general I like foreign films because you aren't stuck with the typical "and they all lived happily ever after" ending. I like movies that get their message across without shoving it down your throat. I really like La Vita e Bella (Life is Beautiful), set in Italy in the same time period. Maybe it is because these wars are so far from me that it doesn't bother me and probably in 60 years people will feel the same way about the war in Iraq.

What really struck me about this movie is how unhappy everyone is. All the soldier are unhappy, obviously all the guerrillas are unhappy, one of the main characters talks about how miserable the world is, this movie seems to embody the sadness war creates. It is almost like all of the people except maybe the captain would rather be dead then be living in the misery that surrounds them. I wonder people in the middle east feel that way? How can you look forward to having a family and watching your children grow up when you live in fear of who you can trust? Or that a bomb could explode next to your house? How do people live that way on a day to day basis? I have heard it makes you numb, I hope I never find out.

I think that you can find some of these same themes in the Iraq war, just the unhappiness, the distrust, the confusion, having to choose polarized sides because there is no obvious middle ground, and having to do things that you don't agree with for your safety, I could go on and on.

Well thats what I think. I loved the movie, but it can be very sad, so as Adam would say, "It was a 3 tissue movie." I am sure the circumstance he lives in are different, but I think that it is safe to say I am feeling less worried about my day to day stuff, and the movie is beautiful, if you are up for a war movie.

All Over the Map.. literally!

I have been to Colorado, then Wyoming, then California, than Texas and I am heading home to Wyoming tomorrow.

Adam likes being able to get a hold of me on my cell phone and recently he has been able to because I have been in areas with cell reception. I went to California to visit my father for a business event, and then I went to Texas to start looking for an apartment. Texas is different, I am think I am experiencing culture shock which for me is hilarious. I am trying to choose between 2 apartments. I went to go look at one of the apartments today, and as I was backing out of a tight parking spot, someone else backed into me and because of a mix up at the car rental place, I didn't have the correct insurance information and the cop wrote me a ticket! Not a fun day. So I am not sure that is the apartment for me. It took so long that I didn't get a chance to look at the other apartment place again. That's a bummer.

So I have been going back and forth and back and forth. Too indecisive tonight. LOL.

Adam called me this morning (early) and we both kept falling asleep so it was sorta like he was here. We'd both snooze and wake up and ask the other in the sleepy voice if they were awake, then fall back asleep. So it was pretty low key. It is comforting when you get the little reminders that you are meant to be together. I am so thankful for these little reminders. When I really miss Adam I watch the 15 sec video I have of him being silly. It's the best, a god reminder of when we were together last. Without stuff like that I am not sure how I wold make it through the day.

MAUW CHICHEN

Fire and Ice

Ha You have to love Wyoming.

Last night I got to use my little cabin's wood stove for the first time of the season. I cleared away all the flammable things and did my fire starting thing. I think everyone has a bit of pyro in them and I am no exception. My wood stove is literally the smallest one they make. It is 8 x 12 x 14, but the space is so small that it is easy to have it 90 in there, if you really feed the fire. I have all these standards for fires. My most important standard is that you build it right so that you don't have to use any fire starter OR more then one match. Adam loves to watch me start fire in my stove because I love it and I get so intent getting it started and it becomes a personal validation thing. I cut my kindling just so. I end up almost singeing my eyebrows blowing on the fire. I end up covered in soot and smelling like smoke. He thinks I am funny.

So why this rant about how much we love wood fires? IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT! Like 4 inches, it's everywhere. As soon as I saw the snow start to accumulate I went got all the fire making supplies. It is pretty warm out -- in the 40s now, but I didn't let that stop me. I will cook in my house first. The snow will probably be all gone by the end of the week, but it is a reminder that winter is coming and I only have to survive winter, spring, and summer, then Adam comes home. :)

Refresh

Today started out ogdable (horrible). I didn't sleep very well because I was anxious and I woke and the heat had gone off in m house and cabin so it was a steamy 56.8 degrees next to my bed. Not fun so I drug myself out of bed and started driving, I had a mishap with my credit card at the gas station. I have to figure out why its getting declined if the balance is good. Gotta call those (@(&!*&@ people.

I got to Colorado Springs about 1:30 a little apprehensive about seeing my old school and my professors. But once I got there it was sooooo nice to see friendly faces and I felt right at home again. It was tempting to want to move right back. I know I feel that way because it is something easy and familiar. I went to my doctors appointment which when well, then back to the school to meet with some other professors. Then back to my friend Re and her son, Nik's house (I used to child-watch for them), where we had a wonderful dinner (my favorite -- Chinese!). I called a friend from the computer science department to see if he wanted to go to a movie and we went to see Resident Evil 3. I was pretty scared. Afterwards I showed him my new IPOD Adam gave me and pictures of Adam's horse. He wasn't so into horse pictures, but he looked at them anyways. So then I came back to Re's house and I am in my bed room where I stayed when I broke my arm. It's a little ironic.

I feel way better having talked to my friends that I dearly missed and I didn't realize how much I did miss it all until today. I got a bunch of good feedback from people who know me pretty well and that was very worthwhile. I am glad I came and I can go back with a fresh outlook on life.

I love you Minaface

This one's for the Mina

So today like the total dufus I am I thought Adam would go to bed at the regular time around 2-3pm. So I didn't log in to my messenger because I thought he would be asleep. Well when I finally log in around 6 PM I find out that he has been hanging around waiting for me all this time!?! I guess I should know that when he says,"Go back to sleep we can talk when you wake up, I have the day off," I should know that means he is not going to sleep until he talks to me. I know that deep down inside that sometimes he literally won't rest until we have communicated. His schedule is so whack I never know when he is going to be up or asleep. So before he very sleepily tottered to bed (I could only make him go to bed by telling him he won... now we know who really won ;) ) I promised him I would write him an update of my day.

MY DAY By Jenna Otto

I woke up this morning around nine and growled about being sleepy since I stayed up late and then received a phone call around where I berated King for his lack of appreciation for my cheeto finding ability. I drug myself out of bed and into clothes when my Stepmom showed up to take me to the hospital to get my XRAYs. At the hospital I realized I forgot my insurance card. SO when we went to the bone doctor I had to tell them I forgot it. They made us wait an hour to see the doctor! So Kathy lent me this REALLY REALLY good book called Look Me in the Eye. It's about a guy with Asberger's syndrome. Very Very Funny. So then they took 3 xrays of my hand and 3 xrays of my foot. We pronounced my foot smushed and my hand broken. Then off to Asian Cusine. Oh it was sooooo yummy. (Yellow Curry Mina!) Then to the ranch and I realized that I had screwed up a bunch of important appointments. Everything is scheduled tomorrow for me being Colorado AND me being in Wyoming. I only managed to call one of these people. That means I have a lot of frantic scurrying to do. Arg. Then we went to Riverton and dropped of my prescriptions for more drugs and waited for Rae and Sarah to get out of school. Then we went and got my prescriptions and went home to help Sarah with homework. We got this done around 9 PM YEAY~!!!! Then I came home and tried not to stress about all the stuff I have to do tomorrow. I am setting my alarm for 5:30 am. I need to leave by 7 am. Wish me luck. So yeah I listened to my messages, switched over some laundry, finished sweeping the floor, picked up some dishes, looked at the Mina care packages(including Kin's cheetos), and gave up on everything to come to bed. Here I am writing you. TA DA. I love you mauwmater. Thats the best update I can give you. I left out a list about buying books from Amazon for you and Rae and I called Leon Harrel and I saw CoriAnn and I talked to Sarah's teachers and umm yeah.

Now I am reading the Secret Life of Bees, something I saw Lala was reading as well.

Toodles Beautiful. I cant wait for you to get that book I read today, Look me in the Eye(John Robison). It's sooooooo sooooooo gooooddd.

Love from the Myna to the Mina-- MAUW

It's not pretty

So if you came here for a "feel good" fix, you might as well stop reading now.I don't write this blog to make army life look pretty. To be the perfect 50's poodle skirt wife is not me. That's not my life. My life involves joys and hardships, the gritty and the pretty.

Adam was bummed that I wasn't "happy" to see him. It is not that I am not happy to see him it is that I am not jumping up and down to comfort him about his missions. I know they were tough and I know they sucked and I am sorry. It is hard to be there for him 100% when I had a bad week too. I am sorry I am not gung-ho about being happy. It's hard to bear the weight of your life and my life. You only want to hear about my happy moments. I mean yeah we both do lots of things to "get along." I am very happy to do things to get along. I love him dearly and if getting along is what we need right now to stay together cleanly, where do I sign up? I know that being with you is way more important than my bad last week and my week in the grand scheme of the rest of our lives this is just a blimp on the map.

But right now, when I am tired and have a lot of vicoden in my system, I am sorry if I seem to complain a lot and you want to give my worries a passing nod and say I am mopey. I get he can't deal with my problems here in the US. I just can't deal with my problems being dismissed right now. I will be happy and get along, because I love him and I want to support him in the war effort. I am only human.

I tried to tell him about the things I was happy about, my best friend is getting married and she has arranged the dates around Adam's most likely leave so that he can attend. SHE IS PLANNING HER WEDDING AROUND WHEN WE CAN ATTEND! She is amazing.

So yeah, it's not pretty. I am grumpy. I had a yucky week. It was tough and stressful and I feel under appreciated. I know that is my lot right now. I get it, and I can take that, but I can't do it all. But I love him.

I broke my hand

So I probably will be forced to lay low. It's pretty embarrassing how I did it so we will leave that cute little detail out. I dislocated the right most bone on my right hand and they had to knock me out to reset it. They took another xray after they reset it and the xray showed that I had broken 2 bones. So I am in a temporary cast. It sucks.... grrrrrr.

Happy Birthday Lala!

You love who you love

Hmm I watched the season premier of Grey's Anatomy last night. It is one of my very favorite shows. I know it is just a drama and a show yadda yadda, but I do have to say one thing that really struck me about this episode that reminded me of Adam. Two of the characters decided it would be best if they broke up, because it may have been the right thing to do. But in deciding to break up they ended up kissing and we all know what that can lead too.

What it made me think about is this: Adam is the only thing I can choose. Whether it is wrong or right, I don't seem to be able to choose anything else. I am inexplicably drawn to him, like an Adam force field. Even when it was not in my best interest to love him I hoped against hope we would some day be together. It looks like dream will come to fruition. I look at back at these characters and smile, because I feel like I have been there. If there is anyway it can work out it will because no matter what you do you still always choose that person you love. I always choose Adam. Every time.

lol "HEY MISTER! YOU DIDN'T WARN ME?!?!?!"

So small...

Adam left again. I am sitting around "taking a vacation" from my life, though that just means I take the time to clean the house. Sigh. So I am sitting around, sifting through letters he wrote me, old pictures (ones of before we were dating and ones not),reading his myspace for like the 50 millionth time and just generally missing him. Where I am and what I do every day seems so small and far away form him and what he does everyday.

Last night I was looking at the almost full moon and thinking when the moon shines next where he is he will see it and probably think of me since we have such a funny history with the stars (we met in astronomy class) and he will know that the moon is WAXING lol. I drove home from helping my stepmom's house. It was cool and the moonlight was so clear and crisp it was crazy and perfect. It was like being the only human being on the planet, so vast and pretty.

Whenever I feel crazy or frustrated or think this will never work out, I just look at everything that has happened so far and look at all the little signs that turn up every single day. Some people don't believe in signs. All I can say is the probability of all of these things happening as coincidences is like less than winning the lottery....SOme coincidence, and honestly if it is a coincidence, I would much rather see it as a sign from God (that is a "please don't screw this up again sign, it's exhausting to watch!" sign)

I think the most obvious sign is that when we both found out we could talk to each other again, we both jumped at the chance.....

The Little Things

When Adam is gone I find there are little things that remind me of him really strongly and a evoke a certain moment we were together. I was playing around with my new video ipod and I watch movies on it not because it is all I have to watch movies, but because he gave it to me and I feel special that he cared enough to spend the money he earns literally with sweat to spend it on something for me. Something that he took the time to figure out that I would like. I just feel a little closer when I think about all those things. So as materialistic as it is I always feel cozy when I watch movies on it.

Then today while I was hanging around I decided to watch Night at the Museum on the the ipod. This made me really happy because we went to see Night at the Museum together at the theater right after we had argued about something and we were trying to chill out and just have fun at the movie theater. The movie was great and we left really happy. So when I see the movie now I remember going to see it and how happy we were when we left. It is these little things that are like having special little moments where he is not so far away. These are the little things that sometimes make you happy. Sometimes they make you sad because you miss them more. Today they made me feel better and I didn't feel so far away.

Fanks Sweetheart- for the little things.

Guilty and the Post Office

I am guilty of a lot of things. Adam accuses me of not putting him first sometimes. He is right, it's same reason that an electrician's wife's wiring never gets fixed. You neglect to do things in your own backyard because you know the people you love are more forgiving then people who don't know you very well.

I know that putting anything on the back burner is dangerous especially when you take loved ones for granted. I don't want to do that. I get so caught up in my work thinking that is what is important that I let a lot of things slide. Housework, laundry,etc. It drives my Dad up the wall. It is because I don't prioritize the things that I do for myself as well as I should. I consider talking to and hanging out with Adam as something I do for myself and that is why sometimes I don't stop for lunch and talk to him. I don't have time for lunch, I have too much to do. Too much to do is relative. Relative to doing what is important.

Case in point: A friend asked me to mail him something priority. I have had boxes of stuff for Adam, ready to go by the door and just needing notes for like two weeks. Today I managed to mail the other stuff out, but I didn't have time to write Adam's note for his box. Obviously I have a priority problem.I fall into this trap easily. It is quite a bit of work to put together a box for him, but not nearly the amount of time I would be spending if he were here. It's easier for me to get through my day with Adam on the back burner, not constantly intruding on my thoughts distractingly. I have to be careful about putting the most important part of my life on hold like because if I lose it, I will be pretty miserable.

So as I said before I went to the post office. I am beginning to hate the post office. The clerks there are really friendly and nice and helpful. They always ask how Adam is and give me a deal when they can. It's hardly ever too busy in there and there are always friendly people in line. So why do I hate the post office you might ask? Every time I go there I am reminded of how far away Adam is and how much I miss him. It's like 25 minutes of intense missing Adam. I try not to be grumpy about it and be happy I am sending him stuff and usually that cheers me up. But going to the post office is one of those reality checks that hits you really hard. There is no room for denial there.

Anyways I am also guilty of snapping at Adam...even though I was telling him how I feel, I did it in a way that hurt his feelings and I do feel bad about it. Sorry sweetheart.

New Apartment

I am putting up this blog so that Adam (and everyone) can ENJOY all the selections I have made for new apartment that is going over the barn. I will put up floor plans as they become available.

So the first thing was choosing the flooring for the kitchen, and i have been instructed to go el cheapo and go with linoleum. Ok so here is the one I really liked.


Here are two picture of the linoleum I like, if you click on the picture it will take you to the website:






And this is the color of the cabinets, but not the style. Adam doesn't like light wood, but since I have cabinets that were left over from another project and I am just going to match them and I like the wood finish..Oh Well. That's all I am going to say.





Here is the counter top color I was thinking.





I really want to do laminate flooring for my bedroom and the living room, but we will see about the cheap factor. Oh and I love this tub, but it's kind of on the pricey side too, check out the dimensions. I have yet to find a pattern that I like for the bathroom. I am temped to do a black floor with a white tub. I am told that I should do bright colors in small spaces, so maybe I should go with a white floor? I will keep looking. Then I have to figure out what to do about the office/computer room....

Acceptance

Being an army girlfriend is about acceptance. I think that God sits up there and laughs when he sees me every day. He sees me struggle with accepting what ever Adam and the army throws my way. I am not the kind of person who is a follower and just goes with the flow. I like to influence the flow.

When we started dating Adam said to me,"You can't get mad at me for things I can't control." What he means is, you have to accept the punches the army with throw if you want to date me. I agreed to do that. I agreed to accept his crazy schedules. I agreed to wake up at 2 am to talk to him.

You have to accept these things because if you don't you will go crazy. It's not like there is anything you can do to change it. I accept that when I get up in the morning and he is not online that I have to move forward with my day. I accept that he will get lonely and upset and that there won't be jack I can do to cheer him up. I accept that he will get really close to his army buddies in ways that we will never be close.

I get it that he is tired and misses me and is grumpy about something non-important. I am not going to apologize for living the way I do, but I do try to listen to his concerns even when the seem unreasonable to me. I don't he thinks that they are unreasonable. I accept that his doubts and fears are very real to him and that there isn't a whole lot I can do to ease those fears anymore than I already have. I understand that even though he doesn't always seem to appreciate the things I feel I would like to be appreciated for, he doesn't do it from a place of malice or ill will. You have to accept the Army and the lifestyle as best you can. If you love someone there you don't really have a choice. The Army doesn't give you a choice and neither does love. So you have to accept the person exactly as the come and with their army baggage whatever that may be.

Obsessions and Adams's Blog

I am obsessed with things that make me think of Adam. Sometime it is certain songs that I play over and over again (Hey There Delilah- Plain White T's, Be My Escape Reliant K, and Kiss the Rain - Billie Myers). Sometimes it is certain books. Right now: Howl's Moving Castle, an anime movie based on a book by one of my favorite authors. I watch it EVERY NIGHT. Usually I get tired of movies after I have seen them once. I watch between 15 and 30 minutes on my special ipod that Adam got me. It just seems like the right thing to do. I don't know why.

Adam out of the blue started writing a blog. I love it. I am especially impressed for several reasons. One being Adam didn't seem to used to like to share his thoughts. Now all I have to do is read them. I really like this. Adam sometimes has had a hard time putting feelings into words. Thirdly, Adam usually is a pretty private person. When I asked him if I could link his blog he said sure it is up for the whole internet to see.... I was like, oh ok cool beans! It might be weird to read both sides of an argument we are having, but most likely will be really funny. Another thing that is funny is that Adam is not afraid to wear his "cheese" where as I don't wear mine as often. It is there just as much, but he is braver than I am. The best part is that when I feel like I need perspective I can go read all thing sort of stuff Adam goes through and get a good dose. I can be reminded about how he is frustrated about not being here to help me. He told me that blogs count as question game (which means that if I choose to read it I can't get mad about it). That's fair I think. Though I know I wouldn't be able to tear myself away from it if my life depended on it. I linked his blog in my links.

QUICK DRAW HANCOCK

So two loves of my life being Adam and horses I gave Adam a horse for his birthday last year. When he came to visit the ranch I told him to look at all of the new foals on the ground and if there were any that caught his fancy to let me know. Well one did catch his eye. There was a friendly good looking stud colt out of one of my best mares, Roan Ann Hancock by my stallion TRR Blue Pistol.

Here he is:


HI! I'm Quick Draw! In this picture you can see my shoulder on the other side of my face, I know it looks funny, but it is just because I am a super muscley super stud. Just ask Adam.



Here I am with my Mom, she is a BIG mare.



Sometimes I feel like I am being watched... Oh what's that over there?



I had better go check it out.



Oh Jenna! It's just you, do you have any treats?






Anyways he is the image of adorable if you look in the dictionary. He is going to be a great horse, I am really excited for Adam. I have to figure out what color he is going to end up. I was hoping red roan, but he looks kinda of gray in these pictures. Time will tell.

Upbeat

Someone commented to me that my blog was kind of depressing to read, because I always seemed to be struggling. I laugh because I do usually write as a sort of therapy to move through whatever is upsetting me, or trying to explain the frustrations of Army significant-other-ness and put it into a context with which I can understand and tolerate. Well folks today I am going to blog about some of the little things that Adam and I do to survive in a relationship.

Adam and I have a couple of rules:

1. We never hang up on each other.
2. We don't accept silence as an answer, (that's one more for him because sometimes when he is angry he doesn't want to say anything) instead I ask him, "Are you to angry to talk? Because when you don't say anything I feel like you ignoring what I am saying." This is especially important when I feel like I am being shut out!
3. If one of us says I love you, no matter how angry we are the other one says I love you back, in general. I can't remember a time that we haven't, if the other person doesn't they are pretty mad. This is really handy because if its bedtime and we are still arguing, we can remind the other person we still love them just before bed so that they know going to bed that we will be there in the morning and maybe not be happy but we will be there.
4. We have the question game: you say question game before a question and the rule about the question game is you have to tell the whole and complete truth no matter what the question, but the person asking the question can't be mad or hurt at the answer. Someone can refuse to answer a question game question, but we usually don't because I refuse a question, then Adam is more likely to refuse a question then neither of us gets the answer we wanted. That is counter productive.

Then are other things that we both tend to that aren't really rules. When I am sad or upset about the separation, I just say that I am a little sad or feeling a little down. He usually says, me too and sometimes will ask me about it if he feels up to it. Sometimes he feels really sad about it too then and we commiserate. Other times he feels guilty about being away so we leave it. I don't ever know what he will feel so I leave it very simple and open ended. Adam can tell when I am upset or off. So I think it makes him feel better to know why so even if I don't go into details about my feelings, he doesn't have to worry that it is something major I am upset about that is going to bite him in the butt.

Adam and I have gotten very good at apologizing to each other. I think that allows us to talk more freely because we know that the other person is going to take responsibility if they say hurtful things. It causes me to try not to say things I know I am going to have to apologize for later. That helps because when I want to make my point I can say mean things or be kind of forceful.....

I also feel like Adam and I don't see eye to eye a good chunk of the time, but we make concessions that we can live with, and Adam really tries to understand where I am coming from. When I see that he is trying so hard it really makes me smile because he must love me a ton to really look at things in a different way. I try to remember that he doesn't go back to the barracks and talk about "stuff" with his army buddies for an hour or two like I will with my best friend.

People say that women always try to change men and that you have to accept people exactly the way they are, and I try to remember that when I am asking him to do something. Accepting him the way he is means accepting that he may never be able to or want to do what I am asking. It help me be more appreciative when he does make an effort to do something different. However the truth is we both have changed to be together. He comforts me when I have nightmares. I buy him junk food. I try not to badger him or nag him. He tries to talk to me when I ask him. I don't ask for things that are not my decision to make (ie we are always complaining that the other one eats poorly or isn't sleeping enough). Anyways. He has been gone for 5 days :( and I know he will be back soon. I sure do love that butthead. :)

PS I might be making some blog for my family and his mother that contain kind of personal information I may not want air on the internet. Since everyone would like updates on where his is and what he is doing and I don't feel like that a safe thing to display to everyone. So if you see a blog you cannot read, that will be why. Sorry.

Didn't Expect

it to be so damn hard!

Stella wrote a good comment on my last blog and one of the things she said really caught my eye,"I didn't expect it to be so hard." I was thinking the same dang thing today. I was thinking on the drive back from visiting my stepmother about how I didn't have much to say for my blog and I was depressed because everything I could think of to write was a corny," I miss him, I love him," yadda yadda. The last couple of days they have had Adam working so hard because he had a long outside the wire mission he had to do that we hardly go two words in edgewise! It was like Hi, I am here, got to go. He left with out writing me a quick good bye email. I know he didn't forget, or it wasn't that he didn't mean to, he just flat ran out of time! I guess I can only say that I hope he is not worried I am upset with him for not writing. Under other circumstances (i.e. non-army related) I might have been, but I know that he cares and is doing the very best he can. This is the part where I have to be understanding, because he can only do so much before he gets burnt out. I am happy to be understanding, I feel like in some small way I am contributing to his war effort. Whether I am or not, I have no clue.


The last couple of days have been horrid about missing him. I thought I was over this constantly missing and pining for him phase. I mean dang, I knew what the deal was, I understood how this works and I have even done it before, why the heck is it so hard now? I thought the the worst part was over, sending him off again. Especially now that he has internet and it seems like I talk to him way more than I used to. Yeah, we knew it was going to be hard, ;) but I didn't expect it to be this hard.

Though I think its like a pendulum, it swings pretty hard one way, and then you have days when it doesn't seem like the end of the world. So yeah. I think that trying to find some perspective (that what I say when I am freaking out about something) helps. Trying to frame things in a way that makes me feel better rather than worse. So good luck Stella with the perspective. :) Just remember you didn't sign up, so you can go out on weekends if you want to. I personally find I am too tired and plus I really want to steer clear of any good looking, nice, smart, males my age. I don't want to meet them, I don't want to see them, I just want to make it easier to wait patiently for Adam. No use in complicating things.

The weekend

Everyone looks forward to the weekend. Yesterday when I was driving back from the vet (I had a horse cut her leg a little). I was trying to psych myself up for the weekend. I mean I wasn't trying to psych myself up for time off, no no. I was just think about how excited people get for the weekend, I mean other people. Like going out with their friends and maybe partying, and sleeping in on Saturday. So I am driving back and I am thinking about all the things the weekend means to these people. I don't know. I couldn't get into it. I use the weekend to watch oodles of television and block out the world until Adam gets online. I was really angry this morning so I went to the barn to ride a horse and feel better, because my horses are always so calming and comforting. However when I got there I felt sick and did some other stuff instead.

So Adam was supposed to be able to get online today, but he said he couldn't and we were both bummed, but I just smile sadly and say,"I love you and I will talk to you when I can. Don't worry I will be here when you get back." These last couple of days sleeping has been hard, lots of bad dreams. Fortunately the last couple days when I have had bad dreams, Adam has been there to comfort me in the morning. I have just been really lucky that way. I don't know what it is about me and bad dreams they really are horrid. I think being worried just manifests that way for me. :: shrugs:: Anyways, not much to say. Hope everyone is having a GREAT weekend! LOL sigh.

NTL and the Post Office

The army loves its acronyms. The other night when Adam and I had a rare moment where we were just happy to see each other and not overly stressed out we were talking about his new team leader. His team doesn't seem to get along with him very well and thats kind of a disappointment because Adam really liked his old team leader and Adam has been training to be team leader. So anyways, I am very proud of myself because I made my first VERY OWN army acronym: NTL. New team leader doesn't get a name he gets to be my new acronym.

So yeah. Adam seems to be doing well, his back is recovering and I sent a bajillion boxes for our anniversary. Unfortunately he has to wait for 2 weeks to get it. Oh well, such is life. It's too bad it costs so much to mail him stuff or I would mail him stuff even more than I do now. Adam thinks all mail going to and coming from Iraq should be free. Well his letters come to me for free, but not boxes to him. Or maybe if you could just get some sort of discount? That would thrill me. I got charged extra because of the box's dimensions. I usually use flat rate boxes, but this time I couldn't get the thing I was sending to fit in it. It is a pain in the butt to be penalized cuz something is a little larger. The post lady told me anything over a cubic foot gets penalized, my box was 14 by 14 by like 7 inches and that was more expensive :: rolls eyes:: whatever. I am a regular at the post office and the clerk knows me by name and thinks its great that I send Adam boxes so often. LOL She keeps a stash of flat rate boxes for me and customs forms. I try to have everything all in order when I go in to mail them. It's quite hilarious that the best way to show my love for my boyfriend is filling out customs forms before I go to the post office. It makes you wonder, how the hell did I get here? And when is this going to make sense again? No regrets though.

Anyways. Night All.

Last....

.. bit of clean Adam clothing going into his box, rinse of his toothbrush before storage, whiff of his body wash before sealing and putting away, and last COKE CAN RINSED OUT AND PUT AWAY. Adam has this funny, slightly irritating habit of leaving half drunk coke cans EVERYWHERE. I finally found them all and threw them all away. It has been just over a month since he left. I am still hanging on to his stuff and not putting it away like I could have done weeks ago. The stuff is out and cluttering the house and my Dad insisted that I pick up before he comes home in two weeks. So I am reluctantly picking up and moving on. I haven't changed the sheets since Adam left and I should definitely do that. I know its kind of weird, but I will do anything to hold onto a bit of him a little longer.

I have started to count time in weeks because unlike days they don't seem so overwhelming, and unlike months they seem to pass a little more quickly. 48 left! :)

PS The cake in jar seems to work really well as far as I can tell. Jury is out until Adam receives it and gives proper feedback. Thanks for the tips on care packages ( a series of links left in a comment two posts ago), they are invaluable!!

Ups and Downs

Well I haven't written in a while because Adam and I have been going around and around about stuff. Our squabbles are interrupted by periods when one of us has to sleep, and then you wake up angry or hurt or frustrated and then you get to start you day that way. In addition to that there is nothing you can do until he has time to talk to you again. I think we came out of this one pretty clean. So I spent the day hanging around the computer chatting with Adam and just generally being there for him (and really for me too). Courtney left a comment on my last blog about good care package tips and I have to say the one that links to http://www.marriedtothearmy.com/ is amazing. I haven't had a chance to look at the rest, but I am sure they are just as good. I had never scene the cake in a jar thing. What a cool idea! I love to bake cakes, but I don't think Adam likes cake very much. I'll ask him.

Speaking of downs ONE MONTH DOWN! 11 to go. Though I have been counting in weeks, it seems like a week passes fast enough and is not as overwhelming as days. Another important milestone is that Adam's and My one year Anniversary! Mmm every day I am reminded why we got back together, even when we argue it comes full circle and clean. He is the love of my life and I know it sounds corny, but when it you know it is true you know. We can get past our fears and seem to really communicate well with each other which I would think is our difficult point. We both have had a hard time communicating because neither of us wants to lose what we consider the most important thing in our lives, so we don't always say everything we probably should. Well toast (and pray) to making it to our next anniversary!

Letters

There is only one thing kinda sorta remotely out there that could possible be construed as being good about Adam being away. The letters. When he takes the time to write me letters they are so thoughtful and sweet and deep it amazes me. He cherishes writing to me and doing the little things that make me happy even though he is far away. This makes every agonizing moment without him worth it.

Even the fact that he has to wait and work more than he normally would makes us stronger. We are stronger about our commitments to each other, and more careful about hurting our relationship. We both know how precious this is to us and we both are working harder then if he wasn't in Iraq. I don't know if he was here that he would be as attentive to really putting into words whats on his mind. The letters I get are a small glimpse into his thoughts and dreams. It is pretty amazing to me that he can share himself like that with me. it makes us both appreciative of what we have. It is more obvious how hard we are working to please the other.

I am a really a card sending person. I love sending cards and I buy bunches of cards to send and dole them out slowly. Adam has managed to pick up on this and has started to send me cards! They are adorable. Every time I see a card in the mail I get this huge smile on my face and have to restrain myself from jumping up and down. I know it's a silly reaction, but I can't help it. It's crazy.

Anyways, the letters are the bright beams of light in the fog. I feel guilty because I have a lot I could write in the letters, but I have such a hard time staying awake and writing them lately so I have been a bad girlfriend and has not been keeping up with my letter writing. Though to be fair I am churning out the care packages. I have this care package radar developing. I am always on the look out for things I could put in a care package. It's pretty funny.

Are you going....

alone? "Yes." I said for the 3rd time today. Thanks for reminding me I AM ALONE. I am going to Billings by myself. I have to go by myself. Who is going to "take" me? My boyfriend is in IRAQ! Traveling 5 hours across the uninhabited, wild Wyoming landscape did not help me to feel less alone.

Being Army alone is the worst kind of alone. It is not like when you are single. When you are single you can look or you can choose to be a single independent woman.... oh oh noooo... you get to be helpless, we-are-so-sorry-are-dating-someone-in-Iraq, have-to-do-everything-yourself-wonder-woman. I just laugh. I went to check in and the guy at the desk, asked, "How many will be staying this evening?" "One." I reply. Big smile. Sigh. "Where can I get some dinner??"

So I get to dinner. Only place to eat: the bar. Sit down ferociously reading my auction booklet. Old guy next to me bumps me, apologizes, and uses the opportunity to strike up conversation. Suddenly, my booklet becomes tremendously interesting. Time to get the food to go. It's not that people are hitting on me it's that I exude being alone.

Adam always insists that I stay in a Best Western, because he sees them as being safe. So I do when I can. I mean I guess I should be thankful for living in a first world country where I have the freedom to travel alone in relative safety and the right to carry minimal weapons (like mace) should I choose or where I have the option to apply for a concealed carry permit. A country where no one finds it odd that I travel alone. Where Adam works women are owned, regulated, and treated like animals. I am grateful that Adam fights for American ideals.
To continue my appreciate for the world around me; There is something to be said for having "you" time, but I never really cared for "me" time. There are so many old cowboy songs about loves that are waiting. So you can see how people get wrapped in the endless blue skies and vast expansive landscapes. I am not sure which is worse being alone in a cityful of people or being alone in the wilderness miles from regular civilization. I think being alone in the city is worse, all though people around make me feel like the human race is careless and callous. Though for sure being alone because of the army is the bottom of the barrel.

Time?

They say "keep busy" it will keep your mind off of him being gone. I am busy. It's 9:30 at night I just walked in after 12 hours of being out. I have done so much stuff in the past 12 hours I can hardly think. Fortunately, my Aunt offered me dinner because I was way too tired to figure what to eat.

So here I am, busy. Not mailing packages to Adam and Eric like I planned, or buying mouse traps for the cheeky mouse irritating me and getting into everything, I can hear it in the cupboard now. I am afraid to cook dinner cuz I have no clue when I will find time to do the dishes. Any part of my house that might get dirty before Dad comes is being left alone. Its sad I know. I really want to catch up on my homework, but I have to carefully choose how much to blog and how much time to spend writing Adam a letter because it makes me sleepy. I should shower and at least read the assigned chapters. I want to drive to Billings, MT to view a horse sale. If I go it will be good experience for when I sell horses, but it means I won't have done all my weekend-y things. Which includes my class work. Arg. I don't have a hotel and I am not packed....

Adam went outside the wire for several days, but really who knows how long... So I want to put my nose to the grind stone and not be waiting around and missing him. However at some point you can't keep busier than you miss someone. I am trying. It's supposed to make time go faster, but still it seems like it is standing still. I should really go to Billings because I will have fun and I will learn alot. I am not sure that being alone for the 5 hour drive there and back is such a good idea, but it may not be a bad one either. Ok gotta squeeze in a letter to Adam.

The elephant in the room......

The fights, that's the elephant in the room. No one wants to say they fight with their significant other while they are deployed or away. I mean I agree, focusing on the fight is very negative, and can be not healthy. I am merely pointing out the stuff that when people hear that you are fighting they think,"Oh that relationship is on the rocks." Since people have so many doubts about long term long distance military they assume that's the indicator of it all going downhill. They are wrong. It's not. It's just indicates that you both are pretty darn stressed out.

When Adam and I argue I feel so strongly that I basically lock myself away until we figure it out. Usually neither me or him can sleep until we come to some consensus. Which can be frustrating when you decide to talk about it later and then you can't sleep. It's a little peculiar that we seems to fight more when we are tired.....

The fights are just so much harder, because you don't want to fight with all your heart. We are more careful about saying things we can't take back, because words are all you have. You can't just kiss and make up, or cuddle and sleep it off. You try hard not to stress him out because he needs to be rested and alert for tomorrow. He doesn't have the luxury of a job where being a little out of it won't hurt. It's a balancing act of meeting his needs and yours, you don't want to rock the boat, but at some point you aren't you.

Anyways it's rough at the time, but I feel like it doesn't really matter what Adam and I argue about anymore, we seem to work through it. We both have made huge compromises and tried hard to look outside our comfort zone to see the other point.

Yeah we argue, we are testing the boundaries, figuring it all out. I think it makes us stronger. So yes contrary to popular belief I even argue with my boyfriend when he is Iraq. Life goes on and we march forward as best we can....

Spoiled Rotten

Okay girls step back, I know that I have and currently date the sweetest, caringest, most lovable, wonderful, amazing, Myna-loving, incredible, unbelievable, fantastic boyfriend in the entire universe. For me, there exist no other being who understands me the way Adam does. I thank God every night from the bottom of my heart that Adam is in my life and still talking to me.

Adam and my one year anniversary (for this time around) is Labor Day. In order to make sure everything arrived on time he sent it a little early (so thoughtful and attentive to detail!!). I came home today and there were two boxes waiting for me. One was M and M's in my favorite color with little message inscribed on them. What a great gift. Then in the other box, there was a brand-spanking, shiny, drool-worthy new 80 gb video Ipod. I was floored. It is really nice and it is engraved as well with Happy Anniversary! What a sweet and thoughtful gift. I feel quite guilty because I know I got one because I was drooling over his video ipod when he got his. He is so sweet and considerate, I was drooling over the Iphone too, but I told him I thought they were overrated and he totally remembered. I have never dated someone who is so attentive to me. He listens to me and almost always knows what I need or want. Even when he is halfway around the world in the sweltering heat, and uncomfortable situations, he still find time to think of something to give me for our anniversary. It blows me away sometimes.

Well if you get a chance to read this Adam: Thank you for finding the time, love care, and devotion to spend on me and with me. I love you so dearly, and I hope I can think of something good to get you for our anniversary. MAUW!

Never get used to it....

You know that the Army is unpredictable. You know that just because you think something is going to happen it probably won't.

Lately I have been very lucky to be able to talk to Adam online a lot. He told me he had a bunch of free time so I went back to work kind of carefree. Lo and behold come home and no Mina.

You try so hard not to be disappointed because you have been disappointed so many times.

So sullenly I head off to bed. Wishing it didn't matter to me, but you know it does.

Goodnight Mina. I love you.

Sleep as a Commodity

I know in the army Adam is asked(well... maybe told) to work for hours and hours straight, remaining vigilant through that time and playing catch as catch can with sleep. I have no idea how he does it. My days have been soo busy and then I get home and Adam wants to talk because its 8 am there. I never know when he has guard duty or when he is going to sleep so we get these weird time warp things where I thought he was going to be online, but he felt sleepy and he decided to catch some rest. Sometimes he sleeps when I sleep and sometimes he just sleeps when he feels like it. It's very strange to me that his sleeping patterns can be so flexible.

Mine can't. I have been staying up waaay too late and then sometimes I get up early to talk to him online. I am burning daylight at both ends of the day. Its so frustrating, but as the usual I am doing too much in a day and there is so much work to be done.

Anyways, I know Adam meant to talk to me tonight. He said he was going to catch some sleep around 4 my time, and its been almost 7 hours. So maybe he will wake up in an hour or two. I don't know if I can stay up that late, last night I was up until 2 am half waiting for him half watching tv. If I do stay up and wait for him... I will want to stay up and talk to him. Hmmm vicious cycle. Maybe I'll take a cat nap and hope that he can "buzz me awake" using yahoo instant messenger
I have a feeling though once I am out this time, I don't think I am going to be waking up anytime soon.

"Cat Nap Time!" I hope this works lol. It's crazy how your whole sleep schedule get turned topsy turvey.....

Doubts (read with caution)

Everyone has doubts. IMHO (in my humble opinion) doubt and fear pervades separation. You see all the time on army significant other websites, unrelenting statements of loyalty, hope, and bottomless vats of faith and trust. Soldiers need these statements. The American public need these statements. More importantly, significant others of soldiers needs these statements.

Soldiers being gone strips people of their certainty. So they say things they know they need to hear. I know I love Adam more than anything in the world. I knew this before he left for Iraq. It was confirmed beyond all reason of doubt during midleave tour.

I know that I have to hold on to that conclusion no matter what happens. This is because of the doubt that grows in your mind when someone you love is away. Only so much can be translated through email, IM, phone, and letters. When you feel slighted or hurt or misunderstood through these means of communication there is no good repair, at least for me there is sometimes only words aren't enough and you can't see the other person.

Then there are the long periods of silences, cut offs mid-conversation, and the lack of information seems to encourage uncertainty. When people are uncertain we try to fill in the missing information with stories. When we are feeling mature we say things like well the internet was out for security reasons, he had a work crew that he had to do and we know for the most part we are right. When we are feeling immature or even fearful we might think all kinds of illogical things. I think everyone thinks these things. For me, recognizing that everyone has doubts is necessary even in or especially army culture where it appears that no one expresses doubt about their significant other unless they want to break up.

I know I will have doubts, fears, and uncertainty. No matter how bad it seems, you have to persevere if you are going to survive. I don't have to blindly follow , but I know that I have already made the decision. I don't get to choose anymore, I get to follow what I decided. I decided when I had a moment of clarity that I cannot have anymore with Adam being gone. Now and until he returns I have decided that I can't make relationship decisions. In some ways thats comforting: no choosing as I have already chosen. In other ways its terrifying, I am relinquishing the ability to look at the facts, draw conclusions, and make (as educated as possible) decisions.

Thats what love is about, and love in the army is a whole new breed. I am not going to pretend I don't have doubts, because I do and thats hard. Not only do you feel like you are letting him down, but letting yourself down. But despite all this I do love him and have faith and even in my darkest moments find hope (Thank God!). At some point that's all you can do. (So I guess I ended this with unrelenting hope, faith, trust and love, but the point was that it took me several hours of worrying to get here.)