Strong

I haven't talked to my butthead in a while. He sent a CD full of songs for me. The songs range from songs he thinks I would like to songs that make him think of me to songs that describe us. Recently he sent me the song Quit Your Life by Mxpx. It is this form of communication we have. It works really well for long distance. The book reading has gotten really personal as well. He sent me some books that reminded him of us.

It evokes really strong emotions because it is easy to identify with a character in a book or with a song writers song. It's good because sometimes feelings come easier from someone else's mind. Adam and I are fairy tale in some weird ways. Some things between us just are and don't fit in my normal understanding of the world. It would be like if I tried to tell you in all sincerity gravity didn't always work. I just know this about him and reading these stories he sent and listening to the songs he gave me make the feelings they have seem so strong.

I don't know how, but I am pretty sure that the deployment makes me crazy somehow as in not all there and it is not even just coping. The separation doesn't tear me apart like it used to, the not hearing from him for days on end doesn't grate on me like it used too. It does get better. I feel sedate and calm with his being gone. It's not so frantic and freaked out. It's good in someways, I am so much more self sufficient. Little things make me cry still, but I don't even notice it so much as accept it as normal. I don't really care if it make other people uncomfortable either, or that people are still clueless of how the world works in regards to the soldiers. Someone actually said to me today," He doesn't get to come home for Christmas? You would that he would....." I explained, quite calmly I thought, that wasn't how it worked.

Yet listening to his songs and reading his stories makes me feel like I can reach out and touch him for a minute. I just hope that I am not idealizing him in a way that is unlike him. I miss him.