I should be asleep....

but I have been reading http://truemilitarywivesconfessions.com which I thought was going to be scary, but really is a good place for people to leave their thoughts anonymously and you see a wide range of stuff from petty to justified to complaints to true confessions. It is weird. I sort of feel like I want to be part of the "army wife" scene, to commiserate and share, to be with people who might understand me. However, I know I want nothing to do with the base and its restrictions/ structuredness/expectations, and that MOST people on a base are nothing like me. It's an intriguing community and I am sure a lot of people get a lot of good out of it, but I am not army. Adam is. Army is not going to be a way of life for us. I am not going to move around the country or have several kids and use the base health care. I am civilian through and through. It's not a club I need to join. So why do I feel this way? I already complain that I will be giving stuff up to be with Adam in Washington. Part of me knows it will be good for our relationship. To live in his world, to see what he sees. I just wonder if he will be able to reciprocate when this is all over, live in my world, see what I see. He terrified me in his last blog with one small comment: "I 'll fight this war till I'm told I don't have to and then I'll go home till I'm told to come back and fight this war some more." I really really hope that he won't have to go back. I don't know what I will do if he does.

Reading that site also makes me soo very thankful. Thankful that Adam is an upstanding citizen. He tells me the truth and takes my feelings into consideration. He loves me and cherishes our relationship. I don't think he would jeopardize that for anything in the world. I hope he sees me as the person he can count on, a blue tree where he could hang a swing, or lay against and rest. I hope I can provide a respite that will keep him at my side and not let him drift off to army la la land. I have faith that when he comes home we can find a away to be together despite who we may have changed into during the deployment. I have remained ever true and avoided situations that would even begin to tempt me. I hope he can remain ever true and share his experiences with me to the best of his ability so I am not shut out of his head.

I am so thankful that I have him and I know I would do anything to be with him whatever the cost. Even if it means another deployment. We both can be brave for the other, and I really hope he doesn't worry about me. It's easy to be strong for him because I know he would be strong for me if the roles were switched and he respects who I am. This last year has really been a blessing for me to remember how right we are for each other despite whatever difficulties we have had.

I love you my beautiful, sorry I am so sentimental late at night. Mauw!