I am blessed. I have recently been dealing with some families issues surrounding one of my sisters. It's been sad and painful. In everything there is a silver lining. The silver lining in all of this is that I am free and blessed. I have stepped away from my Mother's craziness in a way that is so fundamental it makes everything clear.
When I was 16 my Mother kicked me out of the house, because I was,"destroying her family." It tore me apart. I felt unwanted when I left. Looking back on it, I caused myself to leave. I behaved in such a way that I drove her away. My sister wants someone to rescue her. The truth is in the end we can only rescue ourselves. I rescued myself. When the reality of my Mother's inane and impossible standards clashed with the way I would no longer tolerate being treated, I got kicked out. Yeah she kicked me out. But I "left her no choice."
I am blessed because the people I care about don't try to avoid me the way I try avoid my Mother. The people I care about try to spend more time with me not less. I am saying this simply because I am grateful that these people take the time to spend with me.
Seeing my Mother today with no answer to life's pertinent questions, to see her lie and weasel and create fantasy, made me realize that she is going to lose everything. All her lies are going to catch up with her, and she doesn't have any of the answers. That's not the person I remember, but I am betting she has always been that way.
I am pulling for you little Dakota, and know I have faith in you to do the right thing, whatever that ends up being for you. You know the truth and you know the difference between right and wrong.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
A little Ranting: Food Safety
I have recently moved back home to Wyoming where my Aunt and Uncle have chickens and goats, thus we have milk and eggs. I have been making some cheeses, when I got called away to another matter and I am temporarily in Arizona.
I have been trying to find out what it takes to get an egg selling license and a cheesemaking/ selling license in Wyoming and finding almost no information on the web. Terribly disappointing.
So Wyoming House of Representative (Area 52) Susan Wallis is trying to pass the Wyoming Food Safety Act, which would allow small producers to sell their products directly to consumers without a license/ inspection. The bill has been met with opposition mainly from people who think their inspections keep our food safe... yeah right. Also some jackass lawyer (you can google it if you care) who thinks people will get sick and he will make a lot of money from suing people, typical lawyer behavior.... Below are my thoughts about about home producers and this act.
Go SUE GO!
No one is forcing anyone to buy home-made things. People are welcome to buy processed foods and nasty antibiotic feedlot fed beef.
I don't think you can have worthwhile opinion about so called "food safety" unless you have been to a feedlot, large commercial slaughterhouse, a commercial pig farm, large industrial dairy farm, or a caged chicken farm. If you can go to ALL of those places and look at that and say I am comfortable with how these animals are being treated and fed and either killed or collected, then by all means sound off.
However, I think if you were to personally inspect he places where "home butchered" or "small facility butchered" meat (or dairy or farm raised eggs WHATEVER) comes from you would find yourself choosing home made stuff no matter how institutionalized you have become. Most small farmers and cottage industry type people will let you view or visit their prep areas and the place their products are made. Good luck doing that with your favorite slaughter house.
In addition, these people often eat their own products, and feed them to their families,thus they are EXTRA careful not to make themselves and their families sick. They will throw out anything questionable and start over with a fresh batch. Because they work with their animals and product daily they know what to look for to see if something is off. Rather then some guy paid $8.50 an hour going down some mandatory checklist waiting to get off his shift. I mean what kind of psycho enjoys killing cattle all day-- day in and day out. I would rather have my meat slaughtered seasonally by someone who raised the cattle and is less worried about their quarterly statement to their investors and more worried about the health and well being to their animals and families.
Only here in the US do we have such strange neuroses about "food safety." Why don't you become more of a world traveler and see that in most places around the world, the food sanitation is much less government controlled and they are less sick...In fact start with France, which in my not-so-humble-opinion is one of the food capitals of the world. Many of the milks for the cheeses are not pasteurized and most food purchases come from farmer's markets.
If you are still confused on this matter, please research, a good place to start is the book Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan.
I have been trying to find out what it takes to get an egg selling license and a cheesemaking/ selling license in Wyoming and finding almost no information on the web. Terribly disappointing.
So Wyoming House of Representative (Area 52) Susan Wallis is trying to pass the Wyoming Food Safety Act, which would allow small producers to sell their products directly to consumers without a license/ inspection. The bill has been met with opposition mainly from people who think their inspections keep our food safe... yeah right. Also some jackass lawyer (you can google it if you care) who thinks people will get sick and he will make a lot of money from suing people, typical lawyer behavior.... Below are my thoughts about about home producers and this act.
Go SUE GO!
No one is forcing anyone to buy home-made things. People are welcome to buy processed foods and nasty antibiotic feedlot fed beef.
I don't think you can have worthwhile opinion about so called "food safety" unless you have been to a feedlot, large commercial slaughterhouse, a commercial pig farm, large industrial dairy farm, or a caged chicken farm. If you can go to ALL of those places and look at that and say I am comfortable with how these animals are being treated and fed and either killed or collected, then by all means sound off.
However, I think if you were to personally inspect he places where "home butchered" or "small facility butchered" meat (or dairy or farm raised eggs WHATEVER) comes from you would find yourself choosing home made stuff no matter how institutionalized you have become. Most small farmers and cottage industry type people will let you view or visit their prep areas and the place their products are made. Good luck doing that with your favorite slaughter house.
In addition, these people often eat their own products, and feed them to their families,thus they are EXTRA careful not to make themselves and their families sick. They will throw out anything questionable and start over with a fresh batch. Because they work with their animals and product daily they know what to look for to see if something is off. Rather then some guy paid $8.50 an hour going down some mandatory checklist waiting to get off his shift. I mean what kind of psycho enjoys killing cattle all day-- day in and day out. I would rather have my meat slaughtered seasonally by someone who raised the cattle and is less worried about their quarterly statement to their investors and more worried about the health and well being to their animals and families.
Only here in the US do we have such strange neuroses about "food safety." Why don't you become more of a world traveler and see that in most places around the world, the food sanitation is much less government controlled and they are less sick...In fact start with France, which in my not-so-humble-opinion is one of the food capitals of the world. Many of the milks for the cheeses are not pasteurized and most food purchases come from farmer's markets.
If you are still confused on this matter, please research, a good place to start is the book Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan.
Friday, May 7, 2010
He had to go back.
It sucks doesn't it? My husband is "safely" back in sector so I guess according to all the opsec rules I am allowed now to say he is going back. I don't know if any of you have heard the Bill Engvall skit about him flying with the thunderbirds (? the navy's super fast jets) and about how he keeps saying "roger" to everything the pilot says. It's really funny, it's on his 15 degrees off cool album. I feel that way sometimes, well if she'd only had not mentioned he was headed back to Iraq everything would have been okay.
I am ridiculously superstitious. It's a little silly. If I want something little to happen I pretend to do the opposite thing. It's very strange. I don't walk under ladders, I don't do things that "tempt fate." I am one of the most scientific people I know and I am still superstitious. I think it is something that people do to cope with situation out of their control. I have done ever since I was very little.
Oh well, Adam asked me to write in my blog, but feeling uninspired I don't have much to say, other then, I love you honey and I hope this post finds all the other milspouses as happy as they can be given their circumstances, my good will and best wishes go out to everyone.
Night :)
I am ridiculously superstitious. It's a little silly. If I want something little to happen I pretend to do the opposite thing. It's very strange. I don't walk under ladders, I don't do things that "tempt fate." I am one of the most scientific people I know and I am still superstitious. I think it is something that people do to cope with situation out of their control. I have done ever since I was very little.
Oh well, Adam asked me to write in my blog, but feeling uninspired I don't have much to say, other then, I love you honey and I hope this post finds all the other milspouses as happy as they can be given their circumstances, my good will and best wishes go out to everyone.
Night :)
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Single Digit Days
Such a strange thing, one minute I am so excited he will be here the next within the week and the next minute, I can't even bring myself to think about it. How do you think about it without dreading that he will have to go back in two weeks. It seems like a smokescreen: he's back!! No not really "back" back...... he has to go away again. God I feel old and cynical. Have I really gotten that deadened to his comings and goings? In my nonchalant little way. I don't want to get excited or jazzed because then I know the wait will be intolerable. There is no way to be calm when your head space is excited in that way.
I was supposed to drive back to Colorado today, but since I had no word, I stayed an extra day with his Mom. I just don't think he gets it. NO you DON'T want me alone at the house waiting for you. I promise. Not a good way to be. I can compare this intense waiting feeling with ONLY one other feeling. If you have ended a relationship with someone no matter who dumped who and the breakup is fresh. You know over time you will feel better you will move on and put it behind you. You wish you could jump to 3 months from now when you know it will hurt less, if you could just fast forward through the daily hurts and skip to the part where you feel better. It's a lot like that where you want to jump over the emotional roller coaster and anxiety and skip right to the him being there part. But you can't and that emotional roller coaster part is the part I DREAD.
I was supposed to drive back to Colorado today, but since I had no word, I stayed an extra day with his Mom. I just don't think he gets it. NO you DON'T want me alone at the house waiting for you. I promise. Not a good way to be. I can compare this intense waiting feeling with ONLY one other feeling. If you have ended a relationship with someone no matter who dumped who and the breakup is fresh. You know over time you will feel better you will move on and put it behind you. You wish you could jump to 3 months from now when you know it will hurt less, if you could just fast forward through the daily hurts and skip to the part where you feel better. It's a lot like that where you want to jump over the emotional roller coaster and anxiety and skip right to the him being there part. But you can't and that emotional roller coaster part is the part I DREAD.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Wiggly
My whole life is wiggly right now. Can't be pinned down at any one place. I talked to Adam last night and his comment was, it's only a couple more months. He is only looking to the end of the deployment. Very funny. I am looking beyond the deployment into the "rest of our lives." I was talking to my Dad the other day about all the stuff I had going on in my life personally and his comment was,"We have a lot of balls in play right now." That hits the nail on the head to say the least. My little sister is having a lot of problems with my mother and it's starting to take its toll on both of us. People keep telling me, it's not that bad, and then I tell them after hearing some of my stories that they are welcome to try and spend a week living with her. Their instant reaction is no way in hell. Then I ask them, "Then how can you tell me I should let her go back for several months if you won't even spend a week?" Doesn't seem fair. Then they tell me it is not my responsibility. If it is not my responsibility, then whose is it?
So I have been doing a lot of horseback riding and thinking. I have always wanted to start my own line of western shirts. I don't know a ton about it, but go to any event and there is a serious need. These events require that the shirts be tucked in and 99% of the women's shirts made are too short, and the sleeves are too short. I paid to have some gorgeous designs drawn up and I love them, I would have to get samples and different sizings made. I have a logo and a name for the company. The big name shirt companies often make one or two performance shirts a season. One season they were mostly pink. If you don't want a pink shirt your are out of luck. I would imagine the shirts I would produce would be more expensive then the average Western shirt, but I would expect the quality and the fit to be superb. I don't know enough about the market to know if it would hold such a company. There are some tests you can do to find out what initial response is so I guess the next thing to do is have some samples made and try it. After having my last business idea flop I am not excited about failing again. I guess you could say I a pretty scared to try. I thought about maybe putting together a business and taking it to a big clothing company and seeing if they were interested. I have a feeling they would just steal my ideas. I don't know do you guys think? Get a normal 9-5 and give on my grand dreams? Or charge into my grand schemes and learn to tolerate failure if I do fail?
I don't know. Today I thought about all the stuff going in my life and how I couldn't really talk about a ton of it because so many people I know read my blog. So I disconnected my blog from my facebook and tried to get a little more personal and tell you real stuff rather then just beating around the bush about everything that is going on because really what's the point? I am who I am and if I don't fit in with Bob and Jane's so-called normal life I don't. I live in a world where I was told I could grow up to be anything and that I should be innovative and amazing and inventive. I have had the opportunity to do some amazing things, but now that I have to stand on my own two legs, on my own laurels I am not sure I am doing that. I feel like I am waiting for stuff to happen to me. It' not a great feeling I have to say. One of my faults is that I rush into things and tire of them quickly. Thus I hesitate to start things because I never know how long I will be interested in something. So instead of deciding things I waffle. Once you make a decision you stuck with it until you can get out of it. How long do you have to stick with something before you decide it's not right? My last job? 3 pay periods.... I hated it.... My house in Fort Collins, 6 months, it's just not working for me it's too expensive for what I am getting, and I am not hanging out with people who are moving me forward. Fort Collins as a city: I am taking a break, I haven't found a job I like and I am still not sure about the snow and cold winters.
It's all wiggly.
So I have been doing a lot of horseback riding and thinking. I have always wanted to start my own line of western shirts. I don't know a ton about it, but go to any event and there is a serious need. These events require that the shirts be tucked in and 99% of the women's shirts made are too short, and the sleeves are too short. I paid to have some gorgeous designs drawn up and I love them, I would have to get samples and different sizings made. I have a logo and a name for the company. The big name shirt companies often make one or two performance shirts a season. One season they were mostly pink. If you don't want a pink shirt your are out of luck. I would imagine the shirts I would produce would be more expensive then the average Western shirt, but I would expect the quality and the fit to be superb. I don't know enough about the market to know if it would hold such a company. There are some tests you can do to find out what initial response is so I guess the next thing to do is have some samples made and try it. After having my last business idea flop I am not excited about failing again. I guess you could say I a pretty scared to try. I thought about maybe putting together a business and taking it to a big clothing company and seeing if they were interested. I have a feeling they would just steal my ideas. I don't know do you guys think? Get a normal 9-5 and give on my grand dreams? Or charge into my grand schemes and learn to tolerate failure if I do fail?
I don't know. Today I thought about all the stuff going in my life and how I couldn't really talk about a ton of it because so many people I know read my blog. So I disconnected my blog from my facebook and tried to get a little more personal and tell you real stuff rather then just beating around the bush about everything that is going on because really what's the point? I am who I am and if I don't fit in with Bob and Jane's so-called normal life I don't. I live in a world where I was told I could grow up to be anything and that I should be innovative and amazing and inventive. I have had the opportunity to do some amazing things, but now that I have to stand on my own two legs, on my own laurels I am not sure I am doing that. I feel like I am waiting for stuff to happen to me. It' not a great feeling I have to say. One of my faults is that I rush into things and tire of them quickly. Thus I hesitate to start things because I never know how long I will be interested in something. So instead of deciding things I waffle. Once you make a decision you stuck with it until you can get out of it. How long do you have to stick with something before you decide it's not right? My last job? 3 pay periods.... I hated it.... My house in Fort Collins, 6 months, it's just not working for me it's too expensive for what I am getting, and I am not hanging out with people who are moving me forward. Fort Collins as a city: I am taking a break, I haven't found a job I like and I am still not sure about the snow and cold winters.
It's all wiggly.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Decisions, Decisions.....
(Warning: This is a long rambling kinda of personal post. You have been warned.)
Have you ever been thinking about what to do and then someone says the obvious answer? That happened to me. I don't know how you people plan your lives, but this is what I do with mine. I look at all the things I am trying to do, the commitments I have to keep, and that cash flow I have. Then I figure out the best course of action, this leads me down a very different path then most people.
So I was looking at how to pay off some debt I got myself into (totally MY fault) and my Dad mentioned that he wasn't at his house in Wyoming and I could have the whole place to myself, rent and utility free while he is most gone for the next 5 months. I can store all my stuff, all my horses are there, and I can keep my horses there for the price of feed. I have been trying to not move back to Wyoming for a lot of personal reasons, one of which is that I get REALLY REALLY lonely there. I went to boarding school, so I don't know many people, and going to a liberal arts college is not the norm for many, so I don't really fit in. However, as soon as my Dad said that to me, I knew that leaving my house in Fort Collins was the way to go, even though I didn't really want to at first. I thought I would find a job I liked there, and everything would fall right into place. It hasn't. I would settle down there IF I didn't have to go back to Washington after Adam get back.
That's where the huge hitch is in the whole process. If I would find a stable regular job in Fort Collins, we could probably afford a house with a little land for some horses. All I need to do is be able to put $600 a month towards a mortgage. The banker told me even if I have a written letter saying I have a job starting within 60 days we could probably get it done. When Adam gets back from Iraq, I have been told in no uncertain terms that even though he was stoplossed we have to give 3 more months where he has been stationed. I don't understand why 3 months, but that's the deal. SO me and Adam and the airstream trailer are headed for our RV park near exit 114 in Washington for 3 dreary Washington winter months. Well at least I will have the wonderful Olympia farmers market. For all practical purposes , it's April. I gave notice, I am going to move out at the end of the month. Even if I did get a job in this tough economy you think they are just going to be "cool" with me heading for Washington for 3 months this fall after I start? I think not. I have been working on all kinds of temp work ideas, but none have really panned out.
So I looked at the money I was spending and the money I was not bringing in and it became clear to me it was time to cut back on the spending. Especially when you consider in Fort Collins I am paying for TV, internet, electricity, gas ,and garbage. Adam's family also has some nice land and has invited me the horses and the dogs down. I am definitely going to take her up on that.
I guess what it comes down to is I don't like to work when I don't see a purpose or if I don't like or respect the people with whom I work. I don't really want a mindless 9-5. My job has to mean something to me and maybe some people see that as foolish and selfish, but that is who I am and that is who my husband married. I don't think he has a problem with it. I mean sometimes you have to suck it up and take one for the team, but I don't so I am not.
Everyday since Ada, left I have been doing things I choose to do. If I have a bad day, I have no one, but me, to be responsible for it. It's supposed to be liberating and often it is. I mean I thank God everyday that I am fortunate enough to be this way. I just wish I had something productive I could work towards or something to be part of so I wasn't so lonely. Unfortunately, I don't know many other college graduated- roping horseback riders-computer science- gaming- home cooks - stay at home army wifes. And by all means it's not that I am against people who are not. We just don't have a ton in common. I can smile politely and be interested in whatever it is you do, but it is not the most fufilling thing on the planet. What I would really love to find is more people who are into the same styles of riding and roping as me and hang out. Wellll goood luck. I would even really enjoy some people to play board games with or magic or some people to invite over for a (gasp) dinner party. That would be pretty fun. Since none of these things seem to be happening in Fort Collins, I may as well move back to Wyoming. Much cheaper there. Right now (and if you are still reading) I an near Fort Huachuca in Sonoita, AZ. There is a game store in the nearby town of Sierra Vista and they have game nights on Friday and Saturday and I thought I might swing by and check it out.
On a much different note, since I came to Arizona, my horses have been goign really well. I could write a whole other blog about my views on riding. I love my horses and I love to ride. Pictured above is Adam's horse Quick Draw ( I did post pictures of him as a baby in 2007 and you can see he has grown quite a bit). He was hot ans sweaty from being ridden and then I put my little Shelby in the saddle. She was pretty nervous, but she held still for the picture.
Have you ever been thinking about what to do and then someone says the obvious answer? That happened to me. I don't know how you people plan your lives, but this is what I do with mine. I look at all the things I am trying to do, the commitments I have to keep, and that cash flow I have. Then I figure out the best course of action, this leads me down a very different path then most people.
So I was looking at how to pay off some debt I got myself into (totally MY fault) and my Dad mentioned that he wasn't at his house in Wyoming and I could have the whole place to myself, rent and utility free while he is most gone for the next 5 months. I can store all my stuff, all my horses are there, and I can keep my horses there for the price of feed. I have been trying to not move back to Wyoming for a lot of personal reasons, one of which is that I get REALLY REALLY lonely there. I went to boarding school, so I don't know many people, and going to a liberal arts college is not the norm for many, so I don't really fit in. However, as soon as my Dad said that to me, I knew that leaving my house in Fort Collins was the way to go, even though I didn't really want to at first. I thought I would find a job I liked there, and everything would fall right into place. It hasn't. I would settle down there IF I didn't have to go back to Washington after Adam get back.
That's where the huge hitch is in the whole process. If I would find a stable regular job in Fort Collins, we could probably afford a house with a little land for some horses. All I need to do is be able to put $600 a month towards a mortgage. The banker told me even if I have a written letter saying I have a job starting within 60 days we could probably get it done. When Adam gets back from Iraq, I have been told in no uncertain terms that even though he was stoplossed we have to give 3 more months where he has been stationed. I don't understand why 3 months, but that's the deal. SO me and Adam and the airstream trailer are headed for our RV park near exit 114 in Washington for 3 dreary Washington winter months. Well at least I will have the wonderful Olympia farmers market. For all practical purposes , it's April. I gave notice, I am going to move out at the end of the month. Even if I did get a job in this tough economy you think they are just going to be "cool" with me heading for Washington for 3 months this fall after I start? I think not. I have been working on all kinds of temp work ideas, but none have really panned out.
So I looked at the money I was spending and the money I was not bringing in and it became clear to me it was time to cut back on the spending. Especially when you consider in Fort Collins I am paying for TV, internet, electricity, gas ,and garbage. Adam's family also has some nice land and has invited me the horses and the dogs down. I am definitely going to take her up on that.
I guess what it comes down to is I don't like to work when I don't see a purpose or if I don't like or respect the people with whom I work. I don't really want a mindless 9-5. My job has to mean something to me and maybe some people see that as foolish and selfish, but that is who I am and that is who my husband married. I don't think he has a problem with it. I mean sometimes you have to suck it up and take one for the team, but I don't so I am not.
Everyday since Ada, left I have been doing things I choose to do. If I have a bad day, I have no one, but me, to be responsible for it. It's supposed to be liberating and often it is. I mean I thank God everyday that I am fortunate enough to be this way. I just wish I had something productive I could work towards or something to be part of so I wasn't so lonely. Unfortunately, I don't know many other college graduated- roping horseback riders-computer science- gaming- home cooks - stay at home army wifes. And by all means it's not that I am against people who are not. We just don't have a ton in common. I can smile politely and be interested in whatever it is you do, but it is not the most fufilling thing on the planet. What I would really love to find is more people who are into the same styles of riding and roping as me and hang out. Wellll goood luck. I would even really enjoy some people to play board games with or magic or some people to invite over for a (gasp) dinner party. That would be pretty fun. Since none of these things seem to be happening in Fort Collins, I may as well move back to Wyoming. Much cheaper there. Right now (and if you are still reading) I an near Fort Huachuca in Sonoita, AZ. There is a game store in the nearby town of Sierra Vista and they have game nights on Friday and Saturday and I thought I might swing by and check it out.
On a much different note, since I came to Arizona, my horses have been goign really well. I could write a whole other blog about my views on riding. I love my horses and I love to ride. Pictured above is Adam's horse Quick Draw ( I did post pictures of him as a baby in 2007 and you can see he has grown quite a bit). He was hot ans sweaty from being ridden and then I put my little Shelby in the saddle. She was pretty nervous, but she held still for the picture.
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