Proud

I wrote this a couple days ago, but I don't have internet in the new house yet. I talked to Qwest and after talking to a Qwest costumer service girl who was convinced that Qwest didn't operate in my area (even though that is what they had before). She told me to call back later to talk to someone else and maybe they could help me. I called my property manager and asked him if he knew what was available. Apparently, he knows someone who works at Quest and she called me back like 10 minutes later and assured me that there was Quest in that area and got me a good deal.

Ugh. The 6th - 10th. Can't wait.


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I don't know what it is about men in the army that holds such an allure. I love Grey's Anatomy and the new Army surgeon they have on the show is cool. He really embodies the things that I love about Adam's Armyness. He is confident and sure in his training and knows he can do the job he set out to do and is committed to the end of the mission. As much as I dislike some army things that is something I really like. Adam says I like to be on base because it makes me feel important. I guess that is partly true. I like to be on base because some part of me feels like I am contributing to our country and I am very proud not only that Adam is soldier, but a damn good soldier.

He is meticulous and goes the extra mile in his job. He takes his duty very seriously. It is more than just a job, as it for many soldiers. I am happy that he takes pride in his work. I mean I don't fight and I am not trained in anything, but in some small way I feel like I get to contribute.

Adam and I went to Issa's wedding and he wore his "special army outfit" and he showed me and explained all his medals and ribbons. I have never really thought about all the stuff he accomplished in Iraq. It blew me away. Adam is not the sort of person who talks about his accomplishments, so I feel special knowing that he wanted to show me and wanted to explain it all to me. He was so handsome in his outfit. So very handsome. Maybe thats part of the allure. I do love him so.

I am too tired to make anymore sense. I am so worn out. Adam makes me end my day, when he is not around I feel like the day never ends. I never want to sleep. I am a different animal when he is not around. Both good things and bad things. I need a haircut and to see a dentist.

What to say?

I have been trying to be more upbeat lately. ESPECIALLY after being called "A Negative Nancy" by someone who shall remain nameless.

I know I don't need to be so stress out about everything that is going on, I mean yeah it sucks that he is gone and yeah some things are stressful, but all in all I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful man in my life.

Lala, when I read your suggestion of bath time, I thought, WHAT A GREAT idea, and poured a tubby and jumped in. I was much calmer after that.

I think me time is a big struggle for me. I feel like I don't take enough and like I take to much all at the same time. How much me time is appropriate? I mean I am not even sure why I am writing when I could be playing WoW? Or playing with the new XBox (they are on sale at the px!) Or watching a movie? Or mixing up dyes for tomorrow morning? I mean I have a whole week to figure that out so I can try an be less "negative" next week. Fun Fun.

At some point ... crap Adam just called I need to run him over some stuff to the base... laters

So.. worn.. out

I am heading to bed, I have been wanting to write in my blog forever. As well as ride my horses. But I can't because I am busy. Too busy. Always too busy. Letting the important stuff go.

Normally I let Adam's work sort of dictate my schedule. However tonight he is not coming home because he has to stay at WLC. So he is not here to tell me to come to bed. This is the first night I have had to spend alone in our apartment since he came home from Iraq and I feel like I am just falling apart. I don't want any sympathy bids. Nothing anyone can say is going to make me feel better. By the time most of you read I will already feel better. I wonder if this total panic about him not being here will ever go away.

I have slept alone since he has been home, but it has been because I am traveling not because I am home alone. Nothing like being home alone with too much time to yourself to make you wonder how you got here. What a strange feeling.

Mostly I feel tired, headachy, hot, and cranky. I hope I am not getting sick, that would definitely explain why I feel like crap though. Usually I just put up with it until he comes home and then I do feel like a million dollars. Last night he sang the song from Top Gun, you have lost that loving feeling to get me to give him a kiss. He makes me so happy when he is here.

But when he is not I am at a total loss. Not only am I pretty sure that's not very healthy, but it makes me feel pretty crazy and codependent. I am definitely feeling angry. Very angry.

Mostly I am tired of being nicey- nice to people. I am pretty much at the point where I totally understand why people go on shooting sprees and kill everyone for no reason. There is no good explaination. Anyways, tomorrow morning I hope I feel better, less angry. Mostly I am angry at myself for being pushed into these shitty positions where there is no way out but to explode. If I could tell everyone in my life how stupid and insane they are maybe I would feel better. Something is going to have to give. Tomorrow Adam will be home and things that seemed really confusing and angry making will make more sense. I hope.

OK OK

Poor butthead. He is gassed out as he likes to say. I came home last night after spending a bunch of time at the new house and he says,"You know what we should do tonight, honey?" and I looked at him and said,"Um, Sleep?" He laughed and said,"Yeah I was thinking make some dinner and watch anime." Ah we sound like a married couple. I feel badly for him today I need to go buy some hay and run errands and that is definitely not a "day off". My ponies are in my backyard of my new house. That's very cool.

So he is exhausted and still asleep, but we went to bed at 8:30 so at 5:30 this morning I was wide awake. Ugh. So I get up. I can't believe I am up at 5:30 on a Saturday, what is my life coming to?!!?!?

Lala asked me how I stay sane when I move. I am so used to moving that I am a little worried about living inthe same house for a year. I will be the first time I have done in my entire life. Since my parents where divorced I always at least visited for a whole summer and I co0nstantly switched schools and houses. A better question is how am I going to cope with being part of a "community" and staying in one place. It seems scary. I am not a Washingtonian and I don't really desire to be one. That said how am I going to find a life here that suits me? I can't be an outsider forever. I guess I just have to learn not to identify who I am with a) where I live or b) my job. Most people identify that way anyways. I think army people just identify with the army and call it a done deal. I don't know yet and I don't want to look at it too hard. I really struggle with this for some reason. Adam doesn't, just me. Though he might feel this a little when he gets out of the army. The army has provided him with so much structure, he doesn't have a lot of choice.

I have to say I am constantly amazed with how much crap he just takes from people because he has to. I would go crazy if people treated me the way they treat him. He is polite and plays ball. I don't know if I could, though the 8 weeks of basic or whatever it is might change my mind.

He is so handsome when he sleeps. He has been asleep for 12 hours, time to go put my very cold feet on him! toodles!

Your are right!

I need to update.

The truth is I have been traveling for the last two weeks. Does that buy me a repreive? And we have been moving into our new place which has involved a lot of fence putting up because our new property has space for horses!

On top of that Adam has WLC which means they find new ways to run us through the ringer. For example, yesterday we had to get up @ 3:45 since both cars were on base (after getting home at 10 pm from the airport) and Adam had to be there at 4:30. I drove back and started picking up the house (I won't even mention the fruit flies attracted by the old food.... barf) because we had both been gone two weeks. Then I did some stuff for my business and packing up the house. I was driving around doing stuff all day. Adam got home at 6, we finished setting up the electric fence, drove all the way over to the horses, got Mc Donald's on the way (we have been eating way to much fast food), picked up the horse (hooked up the trailer,caught them loaded them up) drove back to the new house, unloaded set them up. Now its 8:45. We went home went straight to bed, DO NOT pass go, DO NOT collect $200 ( I wish) and started all over this morning at 4 am.

I know Adam is so worn out, they haven't been sleeping on the beds at WLC because they are only allowed a couple hours of sleep and they don't want to spend them making the beds. That is the most stupid thing on the planet, I don't even know why they give them beds, its just takes up space in the rooms. He only gets Saturday off Sunday he has to go in at 7:30. So we are planning not to do anything on Saturday. Poor Butthead.

Anyways, there is a semi update. I might find some pictures of my new to put up.

:)