Another Night

Just another night. I am hoping Adam gets on and I know he probably won't. It's bedtime and I wander aimlessly around the in-tar-web. I check my comics ( Ctl Alt Del and Dominic Deegan). Then I check all my favorite blogs which are the ones I have linked. I check google news , and I read any remotely interesting stories, especially any about Ron Paul.

Then I blog. I have this meandering waiting moment. All my thoughts are consumed by him for a short while as I get ready to sleep. I know it's morning there and I hope that his day is starting off well. Another night with out him, but another day down. We have been over the halfway point for a while.

I am not sure how much you can know a person when they are gone as much as the soldiers are. You know who they are from who they were when they left, and who you are counting on them being, but the little snippets that we have together either on the phone or im aren't really enough to know someone. A year and a half is a long time. Even if you weren't doing anything note worthy everyday, you would still change in a year and a half. I think sometimes about how he will be different. I won't say I am looking forward to it, but I am interested in really working together to carve out a life for ourselves together, whomever he has become.

I am falling asleep in front of my computer, I guess its time to log. Night every one.
Night Mina.

Christmas Wish

Well it's officially Christmas and I am heading to bed, I know Adam is just starting his day.

I wish that for Christmas he is warm, safe, happy, and well rested. I hope he has enough of the foods he likes to eat and that he is in the company of good people and has even a little down time to relax. I hope he knows that I love him very much and that I remember how much fun we had last Christmas and I am looking forward to the Chirstmases to come.

Merry Christmas all and I hope this day finds all soldiers safe and well loved.

Other blogs

I have just spent around 3 hours reading Josie's blog: (http://lifeinacrackerbox.blogspot.com). I have nearly died laughing reading some of her observations. What strong person to go through so much and be there so much unwaveringly for her husband. Truly amazing. She is way more concerned about keeping the house clean than I am. I just let it get dirty.

It is so good to read about how "normal" life can be after such an experience. It is so comforting to know that people get on with their lives (even if their husband does play tricks with your car now and again) and go back to school and cope with the injuries. I know it is not what they had expected, but in the face of adversity they have shined. I hope that Adam and I readjust to life together as easily as they make it seem. I know that it has been so far from easy for them, but from the outside looking in what an impressive feat.

Adam wants to go back to college and I worry that he doesn't realize how much work it is to be a student again and how he is going to get back into that student mindset. I mean lets face it even in boarding school we both were bad about getting all our homework done and we had study hall where we had to sit apart from each other and be quiet. Mixed up and muddled with work and what not how is this all going to come together. Reading Joise's blog is a great comfort and testament to how two people can work together to be together. I hope that Adam and I can continually find that like they have.

CONTACT!

So finally I heard form Adam. He imed last night around 2:15 AM. I woke up around 2 with a feeling he was going to get on so I laid there for a while and lo and behold he did get on. We talked about the things we could. He said a lot was going on that he couldn't talk about. I told him all about my new horse and things that were going on here. Man 30 minutes goes by so quickly. It's almost like talking to him was a dream. I am really hoping I don't have to wait another 2 weeks to talk to him. Guess what he hadn't forgotten about me ( Ha no surprise there). He said that he has been working and patrolling like mad, almost no sleep.

Then several letters came today and they are a month old, but good to read. I read them over and over again. I don't know why.

Now suddenly I feel very tired like all the stress is coming crashing down on me and I can relax for a little while. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't feel so urgent about making sure I wake up because he prolly won't get online tonight. This will probably mean that I will sleep better than I have in a long while. It's amazing how keyed up you can get. Oh man. It's only 10 and I cant stop yawning. I guess I am going to give in and go to bed. I will think about this some more in the morning.

Night everyone. If you pray please say one for Adam too, I love him very dearly and hope he is doing well.

Disinclined

Hurry up and wait..... our favorite army joke. ::looks around:: well I am waiting. Christmas is coming, and I never really liked it due it to always involving strenuous travel growing up. I see everyone and their holiday cheer, but this year I can't buy into it. I already sent Adam his Christmas stuff so Christmas is done for me. Anything else I send won't get there until after Christmas so I am kind of feeling indifferent. I got some wonderful Christmas gifts already so I am kind of done.

Still no word. At times like these with no word your mind begin to play not so fun tricks on you, the most silly of which is that you think he has forgotten you. I know he has not forgotten. Chalk another on up to the army and remind yourself that one of these days he is going to come home and you are going to figure it out together and everything else will seem like happily ever after. At least that's the plan.
I hope the reason he hasn't called me is that they have put him to work so he isn't constantly reminded that he is away from home at Christmas. If it were me, I would occupy every waking hour so I fell into bed exhausted, no time for musing before sleep. I think the army does that to them anyways. I just hope he actually is eating and sleeping.

Well here is to hope that other army significant others are with their sweeties and that those who aren't are with their families, friends, and their support groups. If you don't hear from me, don't worry I haven't forgotten, I am just busy hurrying up and waiting. :)

Strong

I haven't talked to my butthead in a while. He sent a CD full of songs for me. The songs range from songs he thinks I would like to songs that make him think of me to songs that describe us. Recently he sent me the song Quit Your Life by Mxpx. It is this form of communication we have. It works really well for long distance. The book reading has gotten really personal as well. He sent me some books that reminded him of us.

It evokes really strong emotions because it is easy to identify with a character in a book or with a song writers song. It's good because sometimes feelings come easier from someone else's mind. Adam and I are fairy tale in some weird ways. Some things between us just are and don't fit in my normal understanding of the world. It would be like if I tried to tell you in all sincerity gravity didn't always work. I just know this about him and reading these stories he sent and listening to the songs he gave me make the feelings they have seem so strong.

I don't know how, but I am pretty sure that the deployment makes me crazy somehow as in not all there and it is not even just coping. The separation doesn't tear me apart like it used to, the not hearing from him for days on end doesn't grate on me like it used too. It does get better. I feel sedate and calm with his being gone. It's not so frantic and freaked out. It's good in someways, I am so much more self sufficient. Little things make me cry still, but I don't even notice it so much as accept it as normal. I don't really care if it make other people uncomfortable either, or that people are still clueless of how the world works in regards to the soldiers. Someone actually said to me today," He doesn't get to come home for Christmas? You would that he would....." I explained, quite calmly I thought, that wasn't how it worked.

Yet listening to his songs and reading his stories makes me feel like I can reach out and touch him for a minute. I just hope that I am not idealizing him in a way that is unlike him. I miss him.

Change

In the army lifestyle, there are things that change constantly and things that follow you around like bags of cement. Somethings are next to certain, other things seems like they are on the whim of someone far away. I don't know if anyone has ever gotten out before their contract was up in good health and without misconduct, once you sign, you are in. On the flip side, no ones knows if Adam will have to redeploy due to stoploss, even though his contract would have been up. No one knows when exactly Adam will come back from Iraq.

We know exactly how much he will get paid, and pretty much at what speed he will get promoted. We know there is no circumventing this system even if you are the best soldier ever. However we don't know if he will have a bed to sleep on, a DFAC to eat at, a place to get a shower, or contact via phone or internet with the outside world.

We know what benefits he gets if he gets hurt and under what circumstances they will release him due to injury, but we aren't sure how GI bill will pay for college, and if he will have to find a supplementary job if he goes to an expensive college. We know how he will be stuck at Fort Lewis until he finishes out his contract, we have no clue how we are supposed to get in state tuition for states where we can't live because we live in Washington.

Hmm it seems like cement some days....