And apparently that last post I posted was my 200th! Wow. Weird. Moving on. Adam would be pissed if he knew I was up, but I just can't sleep. It's been nastily hot here and that makes it hard to eat in the evening and sleep. As far as I can tell the weather in Washington only has about 60 redeeming days throughout the whole year (my apologies to the folks here who love the weather).
So I have a great solution to the "I don't wanna pack blues" -- turn on the tv to a marathon of the show Clean House and if that doesn't make you rethink all the clutter in your life I don't really know what will. With our living situation and the unknowing of exactly when Adam is going to deploy makes me anxious. I keep looking at all these sciencey jobs that I am actually qualified for and I all I can think about is how they will take me further from my horses. The world works in mysterious ways and thankfully (and I am very grateful) thinks have always just sort of worked out for me and Adam.
Maybe my hesitancy and tendency to fear the worse by taking an indoor 9 -5 job is unfounded because it will lead to me actually being able to afford to keep a horse. I terrified of losing my riding skills by being terribly overweight (which I currently am) and by allowing my focus to drift else where. I have seen at least 3 (count them -- THREE) entry level technician jobs in Arizona, one even working under a guy who would probably be the ideal candidate to approach for a masters should I so desire. I haven't turned in any of the applications yet because I am afraid of who that would make me. Nonetheless, I am qualified in a way many people would love to be and to not go when I would probably really enjoy the job and my family could really use the money seems childish.
I know Adam doesn't care as long as I am truly happy and he keeps telling me to go for what I think is important and I keep milling around in my brain what can I do next. I mean really though will I be truly happy if we are always struggling financially? It doesn't help that my living situation and / or obligations to my little sister may or may not become very complicated. The only thing to do now is put one foot infront of the other and see what makes sense and apply for those jobs. I guess part of me worries I am not qualified, that the competition is too fierce, that I won't make the cut, so I don't even want to try-- I know that is a mistake.
One of the things that I really love about the army is the way it seems so steady. I mean I know that it is a romanticized version, but you can expect the reveille to be played in the morning for PT and that Adam will most days get lunch between 11:30 and 13:00 and base is crowded then. I love how every wears their name and their rank on their outfit so I know at a glance "who" the army says they are. I like how most people drive slower on base and stop for pedestrians. I mean don't get me wrong I think a lot of things are dumb too, but coming from a family heritage where we were never part of a community, I just can't get over and I feel extraordinarily privileged and safe on base, like I am part of the secret club. I get to shop at the special grocery store and I don't need a reason to be nice to people. Funny, huh? I guess it is just the way I was raised. Adam gives me a hard time,"If you like it so much why don't you join?" I have thought about it, but I don't think I could do it. You have to be a certain person when you join, and Adam doesn't mind being different and getting in trouble for it when he is wrong and and getting recognized for it when he is right, but I couldn't be "myself" and be a soldier I don't think. I don't know though. I would be in a different army that's for sure, I would probably be a POG and a sir, I am not sure if Adam would come to resent me.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Next Deployment......
Let's get to the point. I have begun to pack up our shit. We have a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff went to good will today. I have tried to impress upon Adam that we don't have a ton of time to get all of this stuff done so for our first 4 day together we played Fallout 3... for four days straight, stopping long enough to pack one box of books and do some laundry. I justified this in my mind by thinking,"Weellll he hasn't played in over a month....." I had no self justification. Sigh.
So today I got after it a little more, I did some more laundry, ate some healthier stuff and cleaned and threw out some old papers. Lo and behold I found the first month's letters from the first deployment. I sat down and read them and I was amazed by them. They basically deal with the time in my life that I was graduating from college and all the great stuff I thought was going to happen and the cool person I was going to be. They were very sweet. I would say, like most relationships that the brand- new-ness intensity has worn off. This deployment I will be more seasoned and Adam keeps assuring me it will be much safer.... and it will probably be a little safer. Adam ended up being shuffled around and he will be going to a slightly different place with a different job and perhaps it will be safer. Regardless I am not sure how much frantic letter writing will be going on. Last time I sent him a lot of care packages and this time I am not sure I will have the money to spend quite as much as I did last time. Besides I am going to have to come up with something more meaningful to send to him-- something more useful and exciting. If I figure out what that could possibly be I will let you know, but I am not holding my breath.
Looking at my options now and what I could have done and what I did do in this time that he has been deployed and then home, I feel like if I had done x then now I would have option y to do or use or whatever, but there is no way to have know what I know EXCEPT for to do the things I have done. It is quite hilarious, I am waiting for my BIG moment when I am going to do the super cool thing I am going to do or be or that is going to "define my life," but I am pretty sure that it is in progress to and that to get there I am just going to keep doing what I am doing -- a lot of things that are not a big deal and are non life defining. I am taking what I learned, moving forward, enjoying the time I have.
Being married means a lot of sacrifices, but I am really enjoying it. My husband is is great and thoughtful (although at times picky and childish), and I am glad we are forging ahead together. I am definitely not AS scared for this deployment and I think that is for several reasons.
1) I have done this before, fear of the unknown-- greatly lessened. 2) I have a better understanding of Army stuff in general and I am getting more comfortable around Army stuff (base included). 3) I am older and more sure of myself (wiser). There really is somethign about having seen more stuff and had more time on this planet that makes you feel more secure. Strange that. Anyways.
Off to make some elk burgers and to do soem other non-life defining earth moving moments. :)
So today I got after it a little more, I did some more laundry, ate some healthier stuff and cleaned and threw out some old papers. Lo and behold I found the first month's letters from the first deployment. I sat down and read them and I was amazed by them. They basically deal with the time in my life that I was graduating from college and all the great stuff I thought was going to happen and the cool person I was going to be. They were very sweet. I would say, like most relationships that the brand- new-ness intensity has worn off. This deployment I will be more seasoned and Adam keeps assuring me it will be much safer.... and it will probably be a little safer. Adam ended up being shuffled around and he will be going to a slightly different place with a different job and perhaps it will be safer. Regardless I am not sure how much frantic letter writing will be going on. Last time I sent him a lot of care packages and this time I am not sure I will have the money to spend quite as much as I did last time. Besides I am going to have to come up with something more meaningful to send to him-- something more useful and exciting. If I figure out what that could possibly be I will let you know, but I am not holding my breath.
Looking at my options now and what I could have done and what I did do in this time that he has been deployed and then home, I feel like if I had done x then now I would have option y to do or use or whatever, but there is no way to have know what I know EXCEPT for to do the things I have done. It is quite hilarious, I am waiting for my BIG moment when I am going to do the super cool thing I am going to do or be or that is going to "define my life," but I am pretty sure that it is in progress to and that to get there I am just going to keep doing what I am doing -- a lot of things that are not a big deal and are non life defining. I am taking what I learned, moving forward, enjoying the time I have.
Being married means a lot of sacrifices, but I am really enjoying it. My husband is is great and thoughtful (although at times picky and childish), and I am glad we are forging ahead together. I am definitely not AS scared for this deployment and I think that is for several reasons.
1) I have done this before, fear of the unknown-- greatly lessened. 2) I have a better understanding of Army stuff in general and I am getting more comfortable around Army stuff (base included). 3) I am older and more sure of myself (wiser). There really is somethign about having seen more stuff and had more time on this planet that makes you feel more secure. Strange that. Anyways.
Off to make some elk burgers and to do soem other non-life defining earth moving moments. :)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Been Wanting To Talk
So it turns out my Mom is having an affair. Normally this is the kind of thing you keep secret-- you definitely don't air on your blog, but she told me it was perfectly "normal" and that her and husband had "agreed" it was a good idea. I am trying to pretend to accept an agreement by three consenting adults and failing. It's not just because I don't believe that those sort of relationships can (I personally don't but if it does for you.....fine) it's because I do not believe there was consent and I believe it is a childish act by all parties that will only result in misfortune.
I keep thinking that one day my Mother will grow up and not be selfish and I keep looking for the signs and they are not coming. I would like to get out of this trap. I would like to move on and look beyond my parents and see what things I am.
I have turned into a person that I never thought I would become. Yesterday I drove Adam around base all day. I came home and feel asleep at 6 pm. I don't know if I depressed or worn out and I have no idea where to go from here. It's like I am walking around in Never Never Land looking for some Ruby slippers.
On the bright side Adam and I are spending LOTS of time together and I am so happy to be spending every possible second that we have together. I mean we are having some tight finances, but who isn't right now, that's just the economy I think, and honestly if that is all the problems we have we are certainly blessed. I can't even believe how relaxing it is to have him home.
I have been thinking a lot about what to do next, I was laughing because I was talking to a friend in a similar situation and I said I was still trying to figure out "what to do after college" and he put his drink and said let's toast to that. It's so true right now. We all want more for less. I have been doing a TON of really interesting reading including, The Outliers which is basically about the circumstances how really great people had the opportunities to be great. I read Gang Leader for A Day which was about a guy who investigated the projects (Robert Taylor Homes) of Chicago for 6 years as a socioloigst. I am in the process of reading Hot, Flat, and Crowded by Thomas Freidman and he brought up the most disturbing point about Americans are funding both sides of the war on terrorism as we buy gas from the Saudis and the Saudis fund all sorts of fundamental religious groups and then we fight the war with tax payer dollars. It does seem like a bad circle. It makes me want to do something drastic about the way we consume oil in the US.
Anyways sitting around like I have been makes my brain overflow with ideas and they are overflowing onto my blog. I think I might start another blog just to pull together some ideas from each of these books. I feel like a conspiracy theorist when I write that there has to be some way to pull all of this information and ideas together to make sense and be meaningful. I mean honestly who cares about this if we are just reading about it and sitting on our asses? We keep gathering all this data and what does it mean? It's just more useless words if it doesn't do something for us, other then being interesting.
Anyways more on this later, I am working on finding the meaning of my life. :)
I keep thinking that one day my Mother will grow up and not be selfish and I keep looking for the signs and they are not coming. I would like to get out of this trap. I would like to move on and look beyond my parents and see what things I am.
I have turned into a person that I never thought I would become. Yesterday I drove Adam around base all day. I came home and feel asleep at 6 pm. I don't know if I depressed or worn out and I have no idea where to go from here. It's like I am walking around in Never Never Land looking for some Ruby slippers.
On the bright side Adam and I are spending LOTS of time together and I am so happy to be spending every possible second that we have together. I mean we are having some tight finances, but who isn't right now, that's just the economy I think, and honestly if that is all the problems we have we are certainly blessed. I can't even believe how relaxing it is to have him home.
I have been thinking a lot about what to do next, I was laughing because I was talking to a friend in a similar situation and I said I was still trying to figure out "what to do after college" and he put his drink and said let's toast to that. It's so true right now. We all want more for less. I have been doing a TON of really interesting reading including, The Outliers which is basically about the circumstances how really great people had the opportunities to be great. I read Gang Leader for A Day which was about a guy who investigated the projects (Robert Taylor Homes) of Chicago for 6 years as a socioloigst. I am in the process of reading Hot, Flat, and Crowded by Thomas Freidman and he brought up the most disturbing point about Americans are funding both sides of the war on terrorism as we buy gas from the Saudis and the Saudis fund all sorts of fundamental religious groups and then we fight the war with tax payer dollars. It does seem like a bad circle. It makes me want to do something drastic about the way we consume oil in the US.
Anyways sitting around like I have been makes my brain overflow with ideas and they are overflowing onto my blog. I think I might start another blog just to pull together some ideas from each of these books. I feel like a conspiracy theorist when I write that there has to be some way to pull all of this information and ideas together to make sense and be meaningful. I mean honestly who cares about this if we are just reading about it and sitting on our asses? We keep gathering all this data and what does it mean? It's just more useless words if it doesn't do something for us, other then being interesting.
Anyways more on this later, I am working on finding the meaning of my life. :)
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