Insecurities

SO things have been a little rocky in my life all the way around. I decided not to do something I really should have done, and it came back in bit me in the butt. The person that I argued with about it was less then gracious. In fact she was downright mean, gloating and pointing out that I had made a mistake. I told her everyone makes mistakes.

Later, I called my Dad upset, and he pointed out that I kind of had a suspicion that I wasn't upholding my end of the bargain fully, and that was the truth I hadn't been. Anyways long story short, I think it would be fair to say that we were both at fault. It really took the heart out of me though. I was trying to figure out what to do next.

It came to me, there are two options here, you can dig in, and work around the difficulties even though it doesn't seem fair especially when you feel like you always have to be the compensating or bigger/ more mature person. OR you can decided you have had enough and walk away and say it isn't for you.

I was recently talking about the "lack of hardship" in my life especially in comparison to Adam's hardships in Iraq. This is no where near the same, but it definitely falls under the situation of adverse circumstances for me. Do I continue despite the difficulties because I know the reward will be great, or do I decide that the hoops I have to jump through are not worth it in the long run? Tough decisions. What are you willing ot put yourself through to have what you want?

Part of it is that I have these huge insecurities about my own capabilities and they are just magnified like 100 times when I feel like I am failing. This lets other people needlessly hijack my feelings and allows them to make me upset (because I let them make me upset).

So in an effort to combat this super negative cycle, I imed and texted some of my good friends to tell them that I love them and miss them and appreciate their support and love. I want anyone who has ever wished me well, or heck even takes the time to read this blog, I would like you to know that you have my heartfelt thanks. For caring enough to take some time out of your day. It is comforting to know that even though there are people who say things to intentionally hurt my feelings, there are probably more people who wish me well and for that I truly am blessed. I am going to make a conscious effort to not focus on my major flaws and fears, but instead focus on the things that make me strong and happy and feel proud of who I am. I don't want to feel small in front of someone yelling at me again if I can help it. You guys help me do that.

I am not really much of an out loud pray-er, but to night I am praying to God to give me strength and help me find the best path. I know that screwing up is part of experience and that it is a learning process. I wish I could just put my emotions aside. I hate apologizing, and I do it when I have to, but I really hate it. I don't think I have done anything worth apologizing for, but I just wish I would never do anything that I did have to apologize for. I just don't think that is humanely possible. So with that I am going to try and get some sleep so I can face the day tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.