blogging from the tub

If you were to ask Adam about the relationship between a Myna and her bathtub he would probably emphasize that it is a force to be reckoned with. I LOVE the bath. Even though I have a tiny entsy weensy tub, I still love to get in and soak. Maybe even splash a little or get bubbles or whatever. Today was a long day, I rode pretty well. I have come to some conclusions about the things that have been throwing me off kilter, and I feel better and less insane than I have in days. Which is good.

I realized that I really like to have time to myself. I don't just want to be off, I don't want to have to be on call to answer the phone. I have gone out to the ranch every day this week, including Saturday and Sunday. It looks like if things continue to go the way they are I will not have a day that I don't have to go for another 2 and a half weeks. That's a long time to be on call. For me anyways. It burns me out. That is why I feel like slacking and not going to work. I just want time to myself. I don't even mind feeding. I am not even saying I want "alone" time, I just want time that is mine to do with what ever I please and not contingent on someone's else will. Usually I get called or texted in my off time, even late at night, or they will assume I will be around the ranch so if thy happen to call and need me to run over, and if I am not they are miffed or at least surprised. I don't want to have to explain my where abouts or be expected to do things last minute. When I feel like it is just assumed that I will work through my weekend with no days off to compensate, I feel cranky. I don't necessarily need to take the days off, but if I want days off I think I should get some. I might work anyways but it would be because I choose to work not because I was expected to work.

This seems so obvious to me now, that is why I have been such a slacker recently! Here I thought I was lazy and selfish and a liar. It turns out I just want free time that is truly free and not pretend free time and not be on call at all hours. Go figure. I mean obviously its more complicated then that, but I do think that people will subconsciously sabotage themselves when they are not making the right choices for themselves. It is obvious to me that I need structure and I need time off and with out those 2 things, I do not do as well.

It is true that I always did better in classes that had a very specific syllabus that we followed almost exactly, with examples of how the points would be calculated and examples of pieces we would be expected to turn in. If I have those things it is almost guaranteed I will get a good grade even if the subject isn't one that I care for a ton. So knowing that about myself tells me what sort of environments I would thrive in. Situations that are ambiguous are really hard for me.Especially when work is given with out clear guidelines of how long it should take and what it is exactly supposed to look like. That's not always the way the real world works though. It definitely doesn't fit a program and sometimes you really are making it up as you go along. I like experiments because you get to be creative and push the envelope, and then there is the scientific method that tells you how to harness that creativity to mean something relevant to the outside world. With training there isn't always a guideline, and with personal relationships there isn't either. But I am going to leave this blog unfinished (as in without coming to a solid conclusion about anything in particular), and let the ideas muddle around in my head some more before I talk about anything else. I might be on to something that will help me with situations that are harder for me. :) I really gotta spend some time thinking about this.... and I need to add more water to my bath.