So the other day I was really depressed because I didn't want to start traveling and so I called my Dad. My Dad is trying to refrain from giving me advice for a month. It's hard for me because I ALWAYS ask EVERYONE what they think and what they think I should do. Now I have to make decisions on my own. What he did tell me was that I had to do what my heart told me and I knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't really packed or ready and I really wanted to stay with Adam for another week. So I told my Mom I had car troubles and away we went. So now I am cleaning the house and doing some cooking and spending some time with Adam and it feels really good that stayed just a little longer. I am such a procrastinater.
Anyways- just thought I would do my next set of wishes in the form of newspaper classifies.
Looking 4 fun BBQ friend to share summer nights. Must enjoy game meats, like to try experimental cooking and have an appetite, occasional alcohol guzzling optional. Prefer people who don't mind trashy houses and shelties.
Looking 4 like minded dogwalking buddies. Preferably someone who likes long walk in pretty places with well mannered dogs. Someone who doesn't mind gab sessions and will help me avoid high calorie cute coffee shops a plus.
I am doing all this cooking because I love summer and I love there being lots foods to eat, but Adam isn't much of an eater. I have been reading in Real Simple and other placed about people trading services. I wish I could trade some one for dinners.
When I shared a house with 4 other girls in college 3 of us would trade off dinners. That was pretty fun. We all got to eat all kinds of good food, but only had to make dinner once a week. It was really fun. Like a dinner club.
Well, I am hoping the commissary is open by now because we need somethings. Maybe I will take the dogs to the dog park while I am out. See you around.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Hiding Out
I have been hiding out. I do this occasionally when I feel guilty or overwhelmed, I jsut stick my head in the sand like and ostrich and hope the world will go away. Let me tell you its about as effective as an ostrich methods too. I decided to quit my yarn job and I feel like I am letting a lot of people down. It's not making money and although working hard, I am finding myself in quite a bit of debt. Not Fun. On top of that I am not having fun. I am realizing it was not my dream to do it, it was someone else in my families who really pushed me to do it and now and I feel pretty let down, both by myself and by some people in my family. I know it never works out to do business with family and I did it anyways.
This amazing great cool fantastic thing about the whole deal is: I am free for a whole year. I think I Adam and I are going to pack up all our stuff and give it away or put it in storage and we are going to update my Dad's airstream trailer and I am going to live in that until I find a place I want to settle in for a time. Maybe I will stay for the whole year. It is usually around $400 a month to park the airstream at a place so I will be saving on rent for sure and I will always have a place for the dogs, I won't have to worry about finding a place for them to stay. I am hoping I will learn a lot about what I do and do not need in my life to be happy. It's only a 34 ft trailer (which is big for an airstream), but all my stuff isnot going to fit in there that is for sure. Adam and I started talking about what we could store and what we could get rid. It amazed me how much stuff when have in our house. I mean really what can I live without?
So I have a lot of loose ends to clean up and people to pay and pacify and explain, and I am not looking forward to any of it. I have to get on the road today to drive to Arizona and meet my Mother to start coming clean with all the stuff I owe.Adam says to grit my teeth and get it done and then I will feel better about it and he is right, but those first couple of steps are going to be yucky.
Anyways, you will probably be hearing more from me because when I am away from Adam I tend to blog more. (He has some army readiness test for a month).
This amazing great cool fantastic thing about the whole deal is: I am free for a whole year. I think I Adam and I are going to pack up all our stuff and give it away or put it in storage and we are going to update my Dad's airstream trailer and I am going to live in that until I find a place I want to settle in for a time. Maybe I will stay for the whole year. It is usually around $400 a month to park the airstream at a place so I will be saving on rent for sure and I will always have a place for the dogs, I won't have to worry about finding a place for them to stay. I am hoping I will learn a lot about what I do and do not need in my life to be happy. It's only a 34 ft trailer (which is big for an airstream), but all my stuff isnot going to fit in there that is for sure. Adam and I started talking about what we could store and what we could get rid. It amazed me how much stuff when have in our house. I mean really what can I live without?
So I have a lot of loose ends to clean up and people to pay and pacify and explain, and I am not looking forward to any of it. I have to get on the road today to drive to Arizona and meet my Mother to start coming clean with all the stuff I owe.Adam says to grit my teeth and get it done and then I will feel better about it and he is right, but those first couple of steps are going to be yucky.
Anyways, you will probably be hearing more from me because when I am away from Adam I tend to blog more. (He has some army readiness test for a month).
Monday, May 4, 2009
It starts again....
And I can already feel this deployment starting to creep under my skin. We got the packing list. We started rounding up all his sh*t. I am ready to put my head in the sand and wait for it to all be over.
Two weekends ago Adam's car was hit by another driver straight on the wheel. No body damage, all the force went straight into the wheel and the guide bars/ axle/ suspension. Everyone has been dragging their feet (other car- insurance- us) about getting fixed, us because we are so busy and because, Adam didn't think there was much damage and didn't call the police at the time and we had to file a belated police report. UGH. So we are down to one car. Drive Adam to work. Bring Adam lunch. Drive Adam home. I am not stressed out. Run my business. I just don't feel like working, I don't think that is army related, I think that is just every day laziness. :)
After I drove Adam to work this morning I went and worked out at the gym. My guilt reservoir is just growing in leaps and bounds. I just have to face the reality I can't live my life and Adam's too. It just makes me so angry that I don't have time to ride and I don't have a place to do everything that I want to do. I mean I thought we were all in pursuit of happiness, but it blows my mind the convoluted hoops we have to jump through to buy a house, and by the way, my income 'doesn't count' because my business is a year old. Forget buying a house with any land.
Somehow my expensive liberal arts degree isn't some magical ticket to wealth and freedom like I imagined. Ha, how funny. The problem is I can't seem to find the 100% will to do the whole kit and caboodle. I have been doing yarn all my life and I have a hard time going back to ground zero. Learning curves suck.
Anyways rant aside, I spoke to a good friend recently who was working hard to get into med school, despite being a horrible test taker, and she, being and awesoem photographer, wanted to go on an around the world trip to study midwivery in Jordan. She wrote grant proposal after grant proposal. For a year and a half. And got rejected time and time again. She got back from Jordan 3 days ago, she got accepted into John Hopkins and was offered a scholarship from Boston University. Despite being a little lonely, she is single and happy. Her life is falling into place. My life used to do that. I realized it is time to step and have some paitence and let the pieces fall where they may. Paitence is not my strong point.
I think I am looking to settle in. I am ready to have a place and more purpose. So now we have come full circle. That complaint that I always have: purpose. Nothing seems to give me purpose. I mean Adam, and my horses. I am sure someday my kids will as well. I just can't have it all? I can't have the super intellectual high powered job, the out of the way house where I do a ton of home cooking, the well renouned horse breeding ranch where I have all the top notch show ans work horses, and the stay at home freedom to what ever strikes my fancy. If any knows where I can find that I would be ever so greatful. I don't want to pick one. So limiting. Ever feel there is not enough time in life to squelch all your ambitions?
:)
Two weekends ago Adam's car was hit by another driver straight on the wheel. No body damage, all the force went straight into the wheel and the guide bars/ axle/ suspension. Everyone has been dragging their feet (other car- insurance- us) about getting fixed, us because we are so busy and because, Adam didn't think there was much damage and didn't call the police at the time and we had to file a belated police report. UGH. So we are down to one car. Drive Adam to work. Bring Adam lunch. Drive Adam home. I am not stressed out. Run my business. I just don't feel like working, I don't think that is army related, I think that is just every day laziness. :)
After I drove Adam to work this morning I went and worked out at the gym. My guilt reservoir is just growing in leaps and bounds. I just have to face the reality I can't live my life and Adam's too. It just makes me so angry that I don't have time to ride and I don't have a place to do everything that I want to do. I mean I thought we were all in pursuit of happiness, but it blows my mind the convoluted hoops we have to jump through to buy a house, and by the way, my income 'doesn't count' because my business is a year old. Forget buying a house with any land.
Somehow my expensive liberal arts degree isn't some magical ticket to wealth and freedom like I imagined. Ha, how funny. The problem is I can't seem to find the 100% will to do the whole kit and caboodle. I have been doing yarn all my life and I have a hard time going back to ground zero. Learning curves suck.
Anyways rant aside, I spoke to a good friend recently who was working hard to get into med school, despite being a horrible test taker, and she, being and awesoem photographer, wanted to go on an around the world trip to study midwivery in Jordan. She wrote grant proposal after grant proposal. For a year and a half. And got rejected time and time again. She got back from Jordan 3 days ago, she got accepted into John Hopkins and was offered a scholarship from Boston University. Despite being a little lonely, she is single and happy. Her life is falling into place. My life used to do that. I realized it is time to step and have some paitence and let the pieces fall where they may. Paitence is not my strong point.
I think I am looking to settle in. I am ready to have a place and more purpose. So now we have come full circle. That complaint that I always have: purpose. Nothing seems to give me purpose. I mean Adam, and my horses. I am sure someday my kids will as well. I just can't have it all? I can't have the super intellectual high powered job, the out of the way house where I do a ton of home cooking, the well renouned horse breeding ranch where I have all the top notch show ans work horses, and the stay at home freedom to what ever strikes my fancy. If any knows where I can find that I would be ever so greatful. I don't want to pick one. So limiting. Ever feel there is not enough time in life to squelch all your ambitions?
:)
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