Second Fiddle (kind of angry)

Today wasn't even a bad day, in fact for the most part it was a really good one, but for some reason I am in a very prickly mood. I keep dropping things, I have really bad allergies and all my friend's lives seem to be falling apart at once, so excuse if I don't sound particularly sympathetic at the moment. TO anyone.

I would be more sympathetic to Adam right now if he would manage to talk to me at some time other than: a) when I am dead asleep because it's 3 am, b) I am headed to work or at work, or c) I am not there. In fact I should be sleeping now, but I am not, I am up writing a blog. So lets see I get up around 6:30 and leave for work at 8 is, so there is an hour and a half, and then from about 5:30 pm to 10:30 pm I am up. So we have about a 6.5- 7 hour window, thats about a third of a day for him to freaking call me. And you know what the best part is, I don't get to blame him. Because the Army dictates his life. I get to be the bad guy all the time and need sleep, or have to leave for work and feel guilty about going. You want to give up? You can't, you don't get too because it doesn't work that way. You don't get a break, not even a bit of relief. You can't take time off get some space, the problem isn't really that you need space.

So it's kind of like the feeling you have when you know your boyfriend is cheating on you. His loyalties don't lie to you anymore they lie to the army and the people he is keeping alive and keeping him alive. I know that makes sense to a lot of people and normally that would make sense to me, but right now it doesn't. Some days you just get tired of playing second fiddle.You get tired of when he can't "come clean" and you know something is fishy. I am not stupid, just uninformed. At some point you practically have to be retarded not to figure it out, so whats the use in pretending?
It's not even that he can't tell me stuff. I just don't want to be lied to. I think thats a fair and reasonable request. But apparently it's not. I mean even if he said to me,"Some stuff happened and I am not staying where I was before." That would be better than the line I swallowed hook line and sinker. It's not like i can say," You'd make more of an effort of you really cared." I know he does really care and if there were anything more he could do he would do it. But he can't, it feels like he handed his soul to the devil. I am a firm believe in you reap what you sow. You made your bed now lay in it.

You know I am finally doing my thing and going somewhere that I am proud of and I look around and he is not here. I am so tired of it being unfair. I chose the boy not the career, and I am sick of the career already. I think it is the sheer powerlessness. It makes you want to do outrageous and insane things to prove your point. But what the hell I can play drama queen too. It's not like I don't have a life I could be pursuing.

The military tear families and relationships apart. Like Non-Essential Equipment's notion: We become the non-essentials. So for all you naive stupid girls out there, who think dating an army boy is the bees-knees, take a look around and see how much fun it is. See how much we are all having. See the grand drama and intrigue filled life we lead. The cute boys in uniform. Great isn't it? So glad I am investing in this fine culture.

I know I have been really harsh in this blog, but I am feeling it too, and if you want it sugar coated you are talking to the wrong girl. You can bring me a problem and tell you are worried or upset and I will listen. However, you want to keep to yourself, that's fine too, but you better be able to deal with the sch-tuff that comes your way. What you put out you get back.