Saturday, April 10, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Single Digit Days
Such a strange thing, one minute I am so excited he will be here the next within the week and the next minute, I can't even bring myself to think about it. How do you think about it without dreading that he will have to go back in two weeks. It seems like a smokescreen: he's back!! No not really "back" back...... he has to go away again. God I feel old and cynical. Have I really gotten that deadened to his comings and goings? In my nonchalant little way. I don't want to get excited or jazzed because then I know the wait will be intolerable. There is no way to be calm when your head space is excited in that way.
I was supposed to drive back to Colorado today, but since I had no word, I stayed an extra day with his Mom. I just don't think he gets it. NO you DON'T want me alone at the house waiting for you. I promise. Not a good way to be. I can compare this intense waiting feeling with ONLY one other feeling. If you have ended a relationship with someone no matter who dumped who and the breakup is fresh. You know over time you will feel better you will move on and put it behind you. You wish you could jump to 3 months from now when you know it will hurt less, if you could just fast forward through the daily hurts and skip to the part where you feel better. It's a lot like that where you want to jump over the emotional roller coaster and anxiety and skip right to the him being there part. But you can't and that emotional roller coaster part is the part I DREAD.
I was supposed to drive back to Colorado today, but since I had no word, I stayed an extra day with his Mom. I just don't think he gets it. NO you DON'T want me alone at the house waiting for you. I promise. Not a good way to be. I can compare this intense waiting feeling with ONLY one other feeling. If you have ended a relationship with someone no matter who dumped who and the breakup is fresh. You know over time you will feel better you will move on and put it behind you. You wish you could jump to 3 months from now when you know it will hurt less, if you could just fast forward through the daily hurts and skip to the part where you feel better. It's a lot like that where you want to jump over the emotional roller coaster and anxiety and skip right to the him being there part. But you can't and that emotional roller coaster part is the part I DREAD.
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