Upbeat

Someone commented to me that my blog was kind of depressing to read, because I always seemed to be struggling. I laugh because I do usually write as a sort of therapy to move through whatever is upsetting me, or trying to explain the frustrations of Army significant-other-ness and put it into a context with which I can understand and tolerate. Well folks today I am going to blog about some of the little things that Adam and I do to survive in a relationship.

Adam and I have a couple of rules:

1. We never hang up on each other.
2. We don't accept silence as an answer, (that's one more for him because sometimes when he is angry he doesn't want to say anything) instead I ask him, "Are you to angry to talk? Because when you don't say anything I feel like you ignoring what I am saying." This is especially important when I feel like I am being shut out!
3. If one of us says I love you, no matter how angry we are the other one says I love you back, in general. I can't remember a time that we haven't, if the other person doesn't they are pretty mad. This is really handy because if its bedtime and we are still arguing, we can remind the other person we still love them just before bed so that they know going to bed that we will be there in the morning and maybe not be happy but we will be there.
4. We have the question game: you say question game before a question and the rule about the question game is you have to tell the whole and complete truth no matter what the question, but the person asking the question can't be mad or hurt at the answer. Someone can refuse to answer a question game question, but we usually don't because I refuse a question, then Adam is more likely to refuse a question then neither of us gets the answer we wanted. That is counter productive.

Then are other things that we both tend to that aren't really rules. When I am sad or upset about the separation, I just say that I am a little sad or feeling a little down. He usually says, me too and sometimes will ask me about it if he feels up to it. Sometimes he feels really sad about it too then and we commiserate. Other times he feels guilty about being away so we leave it. I don't ever know what he will feel so I leave it very simple and open ended. Adam can tell when I am upset or off. So I think it makes him feel better to know why so even if I don't go into details about my feelings, he doesn't have to worry that it is something major I am upset about that is going to bite him in the butt.

Adam and I have gotten very good at apologizing to each other. I think that allows us to talk more freely because we know that the other person is going to take responsibility if they say hurtful things. It causes me to try not to say things I know I am going to have to apologize for later. That helps because when I want to make my point I can say mean things or be kind of forceful.....

I also feel like Adam and I don't see eye to eye a good chunk of the time, but we make concessions that we can live with, and Adam really tries to understand where I am coming from. When I see that he is trying so hard it really makes me smile because he must love me a ton to really look at things in a different way. I try to remember that he doesn't go back to the barracks and talk about "stuff" with his army buddies for an hour or two like I will with my best friend.

People say that women always try to change men and that you have to accept people exactly the way they are, and I try to remember that when I am asking him to do something. Accepting him the way he is means accepting that he may never be able to or want to do what I am asking. It help me be more appreciative when he does make an effort to do something different. However the truth is we both have changed to be together. He comforts me when I have nightmares. I buy him junk food. I try not to badger him or nag him. He tries to talk to me when I ask him. I don't ask for things that are not my decision to make (ie we are always complaining that the other one eats poorly or isn't sleeping enough). Anyways. He has been gone for 5 days :( and I know he will be back soon. I sure do love that butthead. :)

PS I might be making some blog for my family and his mother that contain kind of personal information I may not want air on the internet. Since everyone would like updates on where his is and what he is doing and I don't feel like that a safe thing to display to everyone. So if you see a blog you cannot read, that will be why. Sorry.