it to be so damn hard!
Stella wrote a good comment on my last blog and one of the things she said really caught my eye,"I didn't expect it to be so hard." I was thinking the same dang thing today. I was thinking on the drive back from visiting my stepmother about how I didn't have much to say for my blog and I was depressed because everything I could think of to write was a corny," I miss him, I love him," yadda yadda. The last couple of days they have had Adam working so hard because he had a long outside the wire mission he had to do that we hardly go two words in edgewise! It was like Hi, I am here, got to go. He left with out writing me a quick good bye email. I know he didn't forget, or it wasn't that he didn't mean to, he just flat ran out of time! I guess I can only say that I hope he is not worried I am upset with him for not writing. Under other circumstances (i.e. non-army related) I might have been, but I know that he cares and is doing the very best he can. This is the part where I have to be understanding, because he can only do so much before he gets burnt out. I am happy to be understanding, I feel like in some small way I am contributing to his war effort. Whether I am or not, I have no clue.
The last couple of days have been horrid about missing him. I thought I was over this constantly missing and pining for him phase. I mean dang, I knew what the deal was, I understood how this works and I have even done it before, why the heck is it so hard now? I thought the the worst part was over, sending him off again. Especially now that he has internet and it seems like I talk to him way more than I used to. Yeah, we knew it was going to be hard, ;) but I didn't expect it to be this hard.
Though I think its like a pendulum, it swings pretty hard one way, and then you have days when it doesn't seem like the end of the world. So yeah. I think that trying to find some perspective (that what I say when I am freaking out about something) helps. Trying to frame things in a way that makes me feel better rather than worse. So good luck Stella with the perspective. :) Just remember you didn't sign up, so you can go out on weekends if you want to. I personally find I am too tired and plus I really want to steer clear of any good looking, nice, smart, males my age. I don't want to meet them, I don't want to see them, I just want to make it easier to wait patiently for Adam. No use in complicating things.
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3 comments:
I feel ya... Sometimes we're doing fine, for what seems like a long time... We've got a grip and we're in control and we're doing GOOD... Then it just seems like a truck runs you over and you can't believe that you're IN this kind of mess and WHAT WERE YOU THINKING and wouldn't it be easier to just date a civilian? A doctor maybe?
But then I get a picture of Matt's face in my head, I remember the last time he kissed me goodbye, I remember how he says "I love you" so sincerely, how he drove 8 hours all night one time (after standing a 12 hour watch the day before) just to suprise me one morning by showing up on my doorstep... And I can't imagine not waiting to be with him again. It's worth it... I just have to remind myself sometimes when the going gets tough.
One thing I've noticed is that just because I'm really upset or not handling the separation well doesn't mean I should talk about it with Matt, usually because a few days later I will start to feel better, and if I DO bring it up, the negative effect can last much longer than my mood. It could be different for you, but that's what I've found to be true for me.
Stay strong Jenna. You can make it through this separation. Each one is unique and is trying in a different way than the last one. No two deployments are the same.
YOU CAN DO IT! Because you're ARMY STRONG!
Lol. This coming from a NAVY girlfriend....
=)
Oh wow. so i finally heard from him the night i commented last and everything was fine. it was for a few days...i really wish i would have read lala's comment sooner because i made the mistake about wanting to talk about things i should keep to my "army wife friends" thats what im calling you by the way. ever since he got out of r.i.p he has been so cold and we have barely talked. i would try to pry and he would get annoyed and pissed off. so for the last month our conversations have had no substance what so ever. i was being patient and understanding and it just didnt get any better.He would make jokes that were not funny and make un-called for comments...so i did the worst thing i could ever do. i brought up the feelings conversation. now i love donald so much, more than words can explain, but lately the feeling hasnt felt mutual. so i brought it up and we ended up getting in a huge fight and i asked him if he even still wanted to be with me and he never answered so i said okay i guess thats your answer and broke it off. and now its killing me. i didnt want to break up. i love this guy thats thousands of miles away. i just needed him to say yes. thats not too hard. its one word. i dont know. the whole situaiton is surreal to me. I feel like the only thing that has changed is that i didnt get a text today saying im tired. and i would try calling and patching things up, but his mom (who has no idea what happened yesterday) said that he broke his phone in half. so thats not a good sign. I can't wrap my mind around the thought of us not being together. his pictures are every and every time i see one i cant help but scream i love you (in my head of course). every time my phone rings my heart beats faster thinking its him, and every time its not and my heart sinks a little deeper in my chest. so what im trying to say is i need prayers that things will work out if they're meant to. well i am sorry for the grammer mistakes ive had an 18hr day and its hard to keep it together.
Wow I am really sorry Stella. I hope it works itself out. :( It is really hard when he is far away and you can't talk to him face to face. He may be getting jaded by his buddies too, I wouldn't use that as a cure all, but the way some of Adam's "army mates" treat women can rub off unintentionally. His friends won't be supportive of long distance. long term relationships.
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