Everyone has doubts. IMHO (in my humble opinion) doubt and fear pervades separation. You see all the time on army significant other websites, unrelenting statements of loyalty, hope, and bottomless vats of faith and trust. Soldiers need these statements. The American public need these statements. More importantly, significant others of soldiers needs these statements.
Soldiers being gone strips people of their certainty. So they say things they know they need to hear. I know I love Adam more than anything in the world. I knew this before he left for Iraq. It was confirmed beyond all reason of doubt during midleave tour.
I know that I have to hold on to that conclusion no matter what happens. This is because of the doubt that grows in your mind when someone you love is away. Only so much can be translated through email, IM, phone, and letters. When you feel slighted or hurt or misunderstood through these means of communication there is no good repair, at least for me there is sometimes only words aren't enough and you can't see the other person.
Then there are the long periods of silences, cut offs mid-conversation, and the lack of information seems to encourage uncertainty. When people are uncertain we try to fill in the missing information with stories. When we are feeling mature we say things like well the internet was out for security reasons, he had a work crew that he had to do and we know for the most part we are right. When we are feeling immature or even fearful we might think all kinds of illogical things. I think everyone thinks these things. For me, recognizing that everyone has doubts is necessary even in or especially army culture where it appears that no one expresses doubt about their significant other unless they want to break up.
I know I will have doubts, fears, and uncertainty. No matter how bad it seems, you have to persevere if you are going to survive. I don't have to blindly follow , but I know that I have already made the decision. I don't get to choose anymore, I get to follow what I decided. I decided when I had a moment of clarity that I cannot have anymore with Adam being gone. Now and until he returns I have decided that I can't make relationship decisions. In some ways thats comforting: no choosing as I have already chosen. In other ways its terrifying, I am relinquishing the ability to look at the facts, draw conclusions, and make (as educated as possible) decisions.
Thats what love is about, and love in the army is a whole new breed. I am not going to pretend I don't have doubts, because I do and thats hard. Not only do you feel like you are letting him down, but letting yourself down. But despite all this I do love him and have faith and even in my darkest moments find hope (Thank God!). At some point that's all you can do. (So I guess I ended this with unrelenting hope, faith, trust and love, but the point was that it took me several hours of worrying to get here.)
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6 comments:
you dont know how glad i am that i stumbled over your blog. my boyfriend is in the army too and he has been in georgia and we just found out that he is getting stationed in washington. i have been having so many doubts lately.
(me living in tx right now doesnt help) i love him so much but the lack of communication is so hard. im always confused about how he feels. it seems like the longer hes in the less emotion he expresses. i cant figure out if his feelings have changed or if he just cant handle being so attached. none of my friends understand how hard it is. it makes it a little easier knowing someone is going through the same stuff. thank you
Sometimes the army causes people to shut down. That was one of my biggest fears for a long time.
Sometimes as you said, they don't want to be attached (we didn't have that problem this time around), sometimes the army doesn't let them talk about what they are doing and so they get in the habit of not sharing their problems. Other times their army-mates can be really crude and they don't feel like they can share their army life with you. Adam really didn't want me to meet the people he worked/lived with (he lived in the barracks), which frustrated the hell out of me. He finally sort of compromised because he had to and I understood why he was reluctant (Long story short, the men in his barracks can be pretty crude and he didn't want me to be exposed to that because he said he didn't want to have to kill anyone who was unacceptably rude.)
Communication is key, and Adam and I did not communicate in the same way and I kinda of said to him I feel shut out, and he kind of said to me I feel like you don't listen to what I say when I try and you jump all over me. Its a work in progress.
Also the reason I wrote the blog was because other army blogs were so helpful to me!
Good Luck.. I think Washington suck and I will probably be moving there so.... CHIN up? :)
yeah. i think you're right about the whole they don't want us exposed to all the crudeness. i've been trying so hard yesterday to just let everything go and not show him i was upset but i just lost it yesterday, and when he realized how hurt upset i was he apologized and said he would work on communicating. then we talked about me moving up to washington so if you end up moving you might kind of know someone haha. thanks again its better to talk to someone whos going through the same stuff. good luck with you and adam
Well the more the merrier huh? :)
Another good thing about the blog is when I am upset about something I can write down why its so hard and I think that helps me come to terms with it. I can see it really is crazy! I am not imagining it.
This post really hit the nail on the head, to use a corny phrase =). It's exactly what I've been going through lately... My boyfriend was just transferred to Washington State and lately I've been feeling like I'm going crazy. I feel sad all the time, depressed, and I haven't been able to put my finger on why exactly because nothing is really "wrong"... But everything you said is exactly how I feel.
I am going to add your blog to my links. It really helps to know that other girls out there are feeling the same way!
So I did a google search & stumbled onto your blog page.... and WOW!!! Like pardon my french, but HOLY SHIT I AM NOT ALONE! lol. the portion if this particular blog that talks about the fact that you have already made the decision to stick it out til he comes home, really hit home with me. I find myself second guessing the relationship constantly (boyfriend in Iraq, in case you haven't figured that out!) and the way that you put this down in black & white has really helped me. Thank you so much & if you ever want to talk - let me know. equine-diva@hotmail.com and I'm on myspace too. ~Amy
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