It's not pretty

So if you came here for a "feel good" fix, you might as well stop reading now.I don't write this blog to make army life look pretty. To be the perfect 50's poodle skirt wife is not me. That's not my life. My life involves joys and hardships, the gritty and the pretty.

Adam was bummed that I wasn't "happy" to see him. It is not that I am not happy to see him it is that I am not jumping up and down to comfort him about his missions. I know they were tough and I know they sucked and I am sorry. It is hard to be there for him 100% when I had a bad week too. I am sorry I am not gung-ho about being happy. It's hard to bear the weight of your life and my life. You only want to hear about my happy moments. I mean yeah we both do lots of things to "get along." I am very happy to do things to get along. I love him dearly and if getting along is what we need right now to stay together cleanly, where do I sign up? I know that being with you is way more important than my bad last week and my week in the grand scheme of the rest of our lives this is just a blimp on the map.

But right now, when I am tired and have a lot of vicoden in my system, I am sorry if I seem to complain a lot and you want to give my worries a passing nod and say I am mopey. I get he can't deal with my problems here in the US. I just can't deal with my problems being dismissed right now. I will be happy and get along, because I love him and I want to support him in the war effort. I am only human.

I tried to tell him about the things I was happy about, my best friend is getting married and she has arranged the dates around Adam's most likely leave so that he can attend. SHE IS PLANNING HER WEDDING AROUND WHEN WE CAN ATTEND! She is amazing.

So yeah, it's not pretty. I am grumpy. I had a yucky week. It was tough and stressful and I feel under appreciated. I know that is my lot right now. I get it, and I can take that, but I can't do it all. But I love him.

I broke my hand

So I probably will be forced to lay low. It's pretty embarrassing how I did it so we will leave that cute little detail out. I dislocated the right most bone on my right hand and they had to knock me out to reset it. They took another xray after they reset it and the xray showed that I had broken 2 bones. So I am in a temporary cast. It sucks.... grrrrrr.

Happy Birthday Lala!

You love who you love

Hmm I watched the season premier of Grey's Anatomy last night. It is one of my very favorite shows. I know it is just a drama and a show yadda yadda, but I do have to say one thing that really struck me about this episode that reminded me of Adam. Two of the characters decided it would be best if they broke up, because it may have been the right thing to do. But in deciding to break up they ended up kissing and we all know what that can lead too.

What it made me think about is this: Adam is the only thing I can choose. Whether it is wrong or right, I don't seem to be able to choose anything else. I am inexplicably drawn to him, like an Adam force field. Even when it was not in my best interest to love him I hoped against hope we would some day be together. It looks like dream will come to fruition. I look at back at these characters and smile, because I feel like I have been there. If there is anyway it can work out it will because no matter what you do you still always choose that person you love. I always choose Adam. Every time.

lol "HEY MISTER! YOU DIDN'T WARN ME?!?!?!"

So small...

Adam left again. I am sitting around "taking a vacation" from my life, though that just means I take the time to clean the house. Sigh. So I am sitting around, sifting through letters he wrote me, old pictures (ones of before we were dating and ones not),reading his myspace for like the 50 millionth time and just generally missing him. Where I am and what I do every day seems so small and far away form him and what he does everyday.

Last night I was looking at the almost full moon and thinking when the moon shines next where he is he will see it and probably think of me since we have such a funny history with the stars (we met in astronomy class) and he will know that the moon is WAXING lol. I drove home from helping my stepmom's house. It was cool and the moonlight was so clear and crisp it was crazy and perfect. It was like being the only human being on the planet, so vast and pretty.

Whenever I feel crazy or frustrated or think this will never work out, I just look at everything that has happened so far and look at all the little signs that turn up every single day. Some people don't believe in signs. All I can say is the probability of all of these things happening as coincidences is like less than winning the lottery....SOme coincidence, and honestly if it is a coincidence, I would much rather see it as a sign from God (that is a "please don't screw this up again sign, it's exhausting to watch!" sign)

I think the most obvious sign is that when we both found out we could talk to each other again, we both jumped at the chance.....

The Little Things

When Adam is gone I find there are little things that remind me of him really strongly and a evoke a certain moment we were together. I was playing around with my new video ipod and I watch movies on it not because it is all I have to watch movies, but because he gave it to me and I feel special that he cared enough to spend the money he earns literally with sweat to spend it on something for me. Something that he took the time to figure out that I would like. I just feel a little closer when I think about all those things. So as materialistic as it is I always feel cozy when I watch movies on it.

Then today while I was hanging around I decided to watch Night at the Museum on the the ipod. This made me really happy because we went to see Night at the Museum together at the theater right after we had argued about something and we were trying to chill out and just have fun at the movie theater. The movie was great and we left really happy. So when I see the movie now I remember going to see it and how happy we were when we left. It is these little things that are like having special little moments where he is not so far away. These are the little things that sometimes make you happy. Sometimes they make you sad because you miss them more. Today they made me feel better and I didn't feel so far away.

Fanks Sweetheart- for the little things.

Guilty and the Post Office

I am guilty of a lot of things. Adam accuses me of not putting him first sometimes. He is right, it's same reason that an electrician's wife's wiring never gets fixed. You neglect to do things in your own backyard because you know the people you love are more forgiving then people who don't know you very well.

I know that putting anything on the back burner is dangerous especially when you take loved ones for granted. I don't want to do that. I get so caught up in my work thinking that is what is important that I let a lot of things slide. Housework, laundry,etc. It drives my Dad up the wall. It is because I don't prioritize the things that I do for myself as well as I should. I consider talking to and hanging out with Adam as something I do for myself and that is why sometimes I don't stop for lunch and talk to him. I don't have time for lunch, I have too much to do. Too much to do is relative. Relative to doing what is important.

Case in point: A friend asked me to mail him something priority. I have had boxes of stuff for Adam, ready to go by the door and just needing notes for like two weeks. Today I managed to mail the other stuff out, but I didn't have time to write Adam's note for his box. Obviously I have a priority problem.I fall into this trap easily. It is quite a bit of work to put together a box for him, but not nearly the amount of time I would be spending if he were here. It's easier for me to get through my day with Adam on the back burner, not constantly intruding on my thoughts distractingly. I have to be careful about putting the most important part of my life on hold like because if I lose it, I will be pretty miserable.

So as I said before I went to the post office. I am beginning to hate the post office. The clerks there are really friendly and nice and helpful. They always ask how Adam is and give me a deal when they can. It's hardly ever too busy in there and there are always friendly people in line. So why do I hate the post office you might ask? Every time I go there I am reminded of how far away Adam is and how much I miss him. It's like 25 minutes of intense missing Adam. I try not to be grumpy about it and be happy I am sending him stuff and usually that cheers me up. But going to the post office is one of those reality checks that hits you really hard. There is no room for denial there.

Anyways I am also guilty of snapping at Adam...even though I was telling him how I feel, I did it in a way that hurt his feelings and I do feel bad about it. Sorry sweetheart.

New Apartment

I am putting up this blog so that Adam (and everyone) can ENJOY all the selections I have made for new apartment that is going over the barn. I will put up floor plans as they become available.

So the first thing was choosing the flooring for the kitchen, and i have been instructed to go el cheapo and go with linoleum. Ok so here is the one I really liked.


Here are two picture of the linoleum I like, if you click on the picture it will take you to the website:






And this is the color of the cabinets, but not the style. Adam doesn't like light wood, but since I have cabinets that were left over from another project and I am just going to match them and I like the wood finish..Oh Well. That's all I am going to say.





Here is the counter top color I was thinking.





I really want to do laminate flooring for my bedroom and the living room, but we will see about the cheap factor. Oh and I love this tub, but it's kind of on the pricey side too, check out the dimensions. I have yet to find a pattern that I like for the bathroom. I am temped to do a black floor with a white tub. I am told that I should do bright colors in small spaces, so maybe I should go with a white floor? I will keep looking. Then I have to figure out what to do about the office/computer room....