So I go through these phases where I am convinced I am a "bad girlfriend." It's a little neurotic I must admit. I was rereading some comments I left on his blog where he was being down and I just handed it right back to him. I mean who does that? Apparently I do. Regardless of the circumstances, I will not just "get along" longer than a couple days. I can play nice for a couple days, but after that I am not able to pretend like everything is okay and nothing is wrong. Even if it is not a great time to bring up the subject, I do anyways, not caring who else is around or whatever. I am just really bad at hiding or masking my disappointment or anger. Adam likes that about me. Sometimes though, I know I will get over whatever is bothering me and tomorrow I won't even care about something I was so mad about today. So then letting something blow over is a good idea, but usually I can't just let things blow over. Usually if there is a reason I am mad, we both see it as a problem that must be fixed. So I am a bad girlfriend in the sense that sometimes I really should just let things blow over and not be so nitpicky, but I don't seem to be able to do that.
Most days Adam is such a good boyfriend. Caring and thoughtful. He worries about me when he is in a combat zone in Iraq, he worries if I seem unhappy or down. He never used to worry about anything ever. I guess he does now. I am also a bad girlfriend in the sense that when I am down, I think he should comfort me. So he does, even when he is a million miles away in a war zone. He tries really hard to find a way to comfort me. That is really a nice thing to do I have to say.
Despite all of this, all the faults, there is some good about this stuff. The silver lining is that no matter what the circumstances are I am true to who I am. This is something Adam can expect, depend on and count on. Regardless of what is going on, voicing my beliefs, and concerns is always the rock solid place that I come from. He knows that I am not being a drama queen. He knows me so we can cut to the chase when we need to talk about something, which is good considering our normal 30 Minute time limit. I don't have to work up to what I am saying.
The other good thing is right now, it doesn't take much to comfort me. I know he is trying hard to call me, know he is reading my blog and responding the best he can, and know he is doing everything in his power to keep me as informed as possible given the circumstances. So even a little note, or a comment that he found sometime to read my blog would be enough to make me feel very special. I know things would be small to other people, but really do mean the world to me.
So maybe I am a bad girlfriend I don't know, I can't tell. I do know that it just works between us, bad girlfriend or not, we seem to have a system of sorts. It gets us through.
PS If you are wondering why I have been blogging so much lately it's because I have no friends here in Texas that are nearby. Oh well, more posts for you guys.....
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Easy
Why can't this just be easy?!?!? You know how many near misses I have had talking to him?!?!?
Yesterday, today, the day, before. It's 3 am again here I am, from not quite awake to very alert and frustrated that I realize I missed him again. This is the one thing that I beat myself up about that I can't seem to get over. Logically, if he calls a lot or does anything a lot statistically I am going to miss some, even if I wait around the phones all day. Its so frustrating too when you both put in all the extra steps. He always calls me twice, I sleep with my phone logged into messenger and turned up very loud. All of this crap lie on the capabilities of my cell phone, which really is just a a smaller, cheaper computer and on my ability to wake up when I hear it. Sh*t. This is so not fun and not funny, especially when Adam has been making such an efort to get a hold of me. I wanted to come online and tell him that his efforts are appreciated despite the simple fact that I can't seem to get it together to be ready when he calls. I freaking hate the army. HATE IT.
Why does this have to be some hard and mindlessly crazy inducing?!?!
I am going back to bed I wish there was something cathartic to do to help me feel more at ease, but besides really ranting in my blog and showing Adam how sorry I am that I keep missing him and expressing the incredible undeniable, very tired, weary, and worn frustration, their really isn't. Oh good, he is calling!
Yesterday, today, the day, before. It's 3 am again here I am, from not quite awake to very alert and frustrated that I realize I missed him again. This is the one thing that I beat myself up about that I can't seem to get over. Logically, if he calls a lot or does anything a lot statistically I am going to miss some, even if I wait around the phones all day. Its so frustrating too when you both put in all the extra steps. He always calls me twice, I sleep with my phone logged into messenger and turned up very loud. All of this crap lie on the capabilities of my cell phone, which really is just a a smaller, cheaper computer and on my ability to wake up when I hear it. Sh*t. This is so not fun and not funny, especially when Adam has been making such an efort to get a hold of me. I wanted to come online and tell him that his efforts are appreciated despite the simple fact that I can't seem to get it together to be ready when he calls. I freaking hate the army. HATE IT.
Why does this have to be some hard and mindlessly crazy inducing?!?!
I am going back to bed I wish there was something cathartic to do to help me feel more at ease, but besides really ranting in my blog and showing Adam how sorry I am that I keep missing him and expressing the incredible undeniable, very tired, weary, and worn frustration, their really isn't. Oh good, he is calling!
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Silencers
I found my silencers. They were hiding. I don't have to listen to the dog tags clang anymore because they are safely inside their little homes now. I talked to Adam this morning felt guilty about being angry. I feel guilty not because I don't think I shouldn't have been upset, I feel guilty because Adam had only 30 minutes to talk and we spent it rereading blogs and I couldn't come up with anything else interesting to say or talk about. Poor Adam mauw!
I feel like I am churning in the water over here. I am jumping up an down to to get his attention, but he can't see me still. The worst part about being guilty is I go find bad food and eat it, and when I feel guilty for Adam I go find the bad food he likes to eat and buy it to send to him! Bad Bad Cycle. The good news for Adam is that I am on the hunt for zingers. For ONE box of zingers. And that I just bought his Christmas gift... i think he will like it.....
PS Thanks to all my commenters who have been so nice when I have been NOT so nice lately
I feel like I am churning in the water over here. I am jumping up an down to to get his attention, but he can't see me still. The worst part about being guilty is I go find bad food and eat it, and when I feel guilty for Adam I go find the bad food he likes to eat and buy it to send to him! Bad Bad Cycle. The good news for Adam is that I am on the hunt for zingers. For ONE box of zingers. And that I just bought his Christmas gift... i think he will like it.....
PS Thanks to all my commenters who have been so nice when I have been NOT so nice lately
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
More Sympathetic
Hello
Today I am feeling more sympathetic, so today would be a better day to complain to me. The hard thing is I know that Adam is doing everything humanely possible to speak with me and keep me informed. He doesn't want to keep me in the dark he just has no choice. It seem like such a sci-fi thing to wish that some government agency didn't infiltrate our relationship. I have been feeling under for the last 2-3 days and I am feeling a bit better though I can't seem to get rid of the allergies. I wish I knew of a way to make this space between us easier right now. We both do. I know me getting upset doesn't help, but honestly not much does so you take it as you can. As you can see today I am feeling more logical, it comes and goes.
I hope the butthead is okay and I know he has not really given up and we can just add some of this stuff to our ever growing "we'll talk about /deal with it when he gets back " list. Sigh. For some reason my internet is being flaky on me. Not good.
Today I am feeling more sympathetic, so today would be a better day to complain to me. The hard thing is I know that Adam is doing everything humanely possible to speak with me and keep me informed. He doesn't want to keep me in the dark he just has no choice. It seem like such a sci-fi thing to wish that some government agency didn't infiltrate our relationship. I have been feeling under for the last 2-3 days and I am feeling a bit better though I can't seem to get rid of the allergies. I wish I knew of a way to make this space between us easier right now. We both do. I know me getting upset doesn't help, but honestly not much does so you take it as you can. As you can see today I am feeling more logical, it comes and goes.
I hope the butthead is okay and I know he has not really given up and we can just add some of this stuff to our ever growing "we'll talk about /deal with it when he gets back " list. Sigh. For some reason my internet is being flaky on me. Not good.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Second Fiddle (kind of angry)
Today wasn't even a bad day, in fact for the most part it was a really good one, but for some reason I am in a very prickly mood. I keep dropping things, I have really bad allergies and all my friend's lives seem to be falling apart at once, so excuse if I don't sound particularly sympathetic at the moment. TO anyone.
I would be more sympathetic to Adam right now if he would manage to talk to me at some time other than: a) when I am dead asleep because it's 3 am, b) I am headed to work or at work, or c) I am not there. In fact I should be sleeping now, but I am not, I am up writing a blog. So lets see I get up around 6:30 and leave for work at 8 is, so there is an hour and a half, and then from about 5:30 pm to 10:30 pm I am up. So we have about a 6.5- 7 hour window, thats about a third of a day for him to freaking call me. And you know what the best part is, I don't get to blame him. Because the Army dictates his life. I get to be the bad guy all the time and need sleep, or have to leave for work and feel guilty about going. You want to give up? You can't, you don't get too because it doesn't work that way. You don't get a break, not even a bit of relief. You can't take time off get some space, the problem isn't really that you need space.
So it's kind of like the feeling you have when you know your boyfriend is cheating on you. His loyalties don't lie to you anymore they lie to the army and the people he is keeping alive and keeping him alive. I know that makes sense to a lot of people and normally that would make sense to me, but right now it doesn't. Some days you just get tired of playing second fiddle.You get tired of when he can't "come clean" and you know something is fishy. I am not stupid, just uninformed. At some point you practically have to be retarded not to figure it out, so whats the use in pretending?
It's not even that he can't tell me stuff. I just don't want to be lied to. I think thats a fair and reasonable request. But apparently it's not. I mean even if he said to me,"Some stuff happened and I am not staying where I was before." That would be better than the line I swallowed hook line and sinker. It's not like i can say," You'd make more of an effort of you really cared." I know he does really care and if there were anything more he could do he would do it. But he can't, it feels like he handed his soul to the devil. I am a firm believe in you reap what you sow. You made your bed now lay in it.
You know I am finally doing my thing and going somewhere that I am proud of and I look around and he is not here. I am so tired of it being unfair. I chose the boy not the career, and I am sick of the career already. I think it is the sheer powerlessness. It makes you want to do outrageous and insane things to prove your point. But what the hell I can play drama queen too. It's not like I don't have a life I could be pursuing.
The military tear families and relationships apart. Like Non-Essential Equipment's notion: We become the non-essentials. So for all you naive stupid girls out there, who think dating an army boy is the bees-knees, take a look around and see how much fun it is. See how much we are all having. See the grand drama and intrigue filled life we lead. The cute boys in uniform. Great isn't it? So glad I am investing in this fine culture.
I know I have been really harsh in this blog, but I am feeling it too, and if you want it sugar coated you are talking to the wrong girl. You can bring me a problem and tell you are worried or upset and I will listen. However, you want to keep to yourself, that's fine too, but you better be able to deal with the sch-tuff that comes your way. What you put out you get back.
I would be more sympathetic to Adam right now if he would manage to talk to me at some time other than: a) when I am dead asleep because it's 3 am, b) I am headed to work or at work, or c) I am not there. In fact I should be sleeping now, but I am not, I am up writing a blog. So lets see I get up around 6:30 and leave for work at 8 is, so there is an hour and a half, and then from about 5:30 pm to 10:30 pm I am up. So we have about a 6.5- 7 hour window, thats about a third of a day for him to freaking call me. And you know what the best part is, I don't get to blame him. Because the Army dictates his life. I get to be the bad guy all the time and need sleep, or have to leave for work and feel guilty about going. You want to give up? You can't, you don't get too because it doesn't work that way. You don't get a break, not even a bit of relief. You can't take time off get some space, the problem isn't really that you need space.
So it's kind of like the feeling you have when you know your boyfriend is cheating on you. His loyalties don't lie to you anymore they lie to the army and the people he is keeping alive and keeping him alive. I know that makes sense to a lot of people and normally that would make sense to me, but right now it doesn't. Some days you just get tired of playing second fiddle.You get tired of when he can't "come clean" and you know something is fishy. I am not stupid, just uninformed. At some point you practically have to be retarded not to figure it out, so whats the use in pretending?
It's not even that he can't tell me stuff. I just don't want to be lied to. I think thats a fair and reasonable request. But apparently it's not. I mean even if he said to me,"Some stuff happened and I am not staying where I was before." That would be better than the line I swallowed hook line and sinker. It's not like i can say," You'd make more of an effort of you really cared." I know he does really care and if there were anything more he could do he would do it. But he can't, it feels like he handed his soul to the devil. I am a firm believe in you reap what you sow. You made your bed now lay in it.
You know I am finally doing my thing and going somewhere that I am proud of and I look around and he is not here. I am so tired of it being unfair. I chose the boy not the career, and I am sick of the career already. I think it is the sheer powerlessness. It makes you want to do outrageous and insane things to prove your point. But what the hell I can play drama queen too. It's not like I don't have a life I could be pursuing.
The military tear families and relationships apart. Like Non-Essential Equipment's notion: We become the non-essentials. So for all you naive stupid girls out there, who think dating an army boy is the bees-knees, take a look around and see how much fun it is. See how much we are all having. See the grand drama and intrigue filled life we lead. The cute boys in uniform. Great isn't it? So glad I am investing in this fine culture.
I know I have been really harsh in this blog, but I am feeling it too, and if you want it sugar coated you are talking to the wrong girl. You can bring me a problem and tell you are worried or upset and I will listen. However, you want to keep to yourself, that's fine too, but you better be able to deal with the sch-tuff that comes your way. What you put out you get back.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Reticent
Lately I have been gone and out of touch with both the blogging world and Adam. For some reason Adam doesn't have internet in the barracks anymore. So he has to trek out to call or im me. This has led to a serious decrease in the amount of time we talk, an increase in the amount of time I clean- pick up -take care of me, and an increase in the distance in our relationship. I can quite happily say that the house is finally clean and starting to look like a real human being lives here. We talked about the distance in the relationship and both agreed that there wasn't much to be done about it. We will both just have a lot of readjusting when he gets back. I feel like I am running out of time until I move to Washington and that slight panic is in some ways the best feeling in the world because I know that it means I am running out of time until I see Adam and get to figure out my life with him. My own life plan is very, very, very fuzzy right now and I have decided to refuse to let myself speculate about how I am going to make it work because truthfully I always find away to make it work.
Unfortunately he almost always calls in the middle of the night and no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to make good conversation at 3 am. I try, but I am very foggy. Well I know he is doing well and whatever concerns I have about us or thoughts or worries have to be put on hold, in suspension. Part of me worries thats unhealthy, but part of me knows it is the sanest thing I can do right now. I am going to visit Adam's family for Thanksgiving and I am pretty sure I will find it comforting.
Really there is just not much to say right now. I am trying to get all my learning in Texas done so that I can go home to Adam with no regrets. I have a lot on my plate.
Unfortunately he almost always calls in the middle of the night and no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to make good conversation at 3 am. I try, but I am very foggy. Well I know he is doing well and whatever concerns I have about us or thoughts or worries have to be put on hold, in suspension. Part of me worries thats unhealthy, but part of me knows it is the sanest thing I can do right now. I am going to visit Adam's family for Thanksgiving and I am pretty sure I will find it comforting.
Really there is just not much to say right now. I am trying to get all my learning in Texas done so that I can go home to Adam with no regrets. I have a lot on my plate.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
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