Sleepless in Seattle

Ha ha bad joke. I have returned from all my trips and my yarn business is going well. Not great, but well. I have like 15 little post it notes in front of me and Adam has already left for work. It's about 5:45. Last night neither of us slept terribly well. The night before we slept like a rock. We have been doing this alternating thing where one night we sleep well and the next we don't I have not figured out why that is.

I am trying to learn to enjoy the moment more. Yesterday night I was frustrated about a couple things around the house and how it never seems to stay the way I set it and also about my schedule how I never seem to be able to keep one. Adam looked at me and said,"This just perfect you know? These are the good times." I looked at him and realized he was perfectly happy and content and we had spent a relaxed day hanging out watching movies and nothing really to answer to for another day or so. He was just loving the hell out of our down down day. I was really sad because he was just enjoying spending time with me, and here I was being fractious over work I wasn't willing to do at that moment. I have always been that way. Sometimes I feel like everyday with him is a vacation or a day off and I don't hold myself to my responsibilities like I imagine I will. I have never held myself to all my responsibilities, ever. Period. So now I am just making new excuses.

I am hoping that soon I will find some more inner peace and realize that it doesn't come from having your life exactly the way I "want" it to be. I have the ridiculous standards of excellence set before me. I need to realize that and just chill a little. I also realized that part of my problem is that I was unhappy about my horses boarding situation, the horses are just so far away that I not riding hardly at all and I feel so guilty and I don't like the lady that they are with so much because she is really stupid and it drive me up the wall to have her around my horses and telling me what they need at the time. ARG! So until our lease runs out and we can find a place that will house my business a bit better, and I think we found a place that will also house my horses a bit better as well. Maybe that will make me feel better. Maybe it won't. I do have this tendency to keep changing my environment and hoping that solve whatever discontent that I am feeling, but so far it hasn't really done that much to alleviate my worries, whatever they are.

So I think I need to look at what I am doing and think about it. I have to stop working my ass of for little or no return. We did well at the show, but the cost of going is so outrageous. I mean made money, but not the way I would like to and I had a lot of help from my Mom which is less then ideal. I went to the show to get customers. I spent 2 whole days writing an email newsletter. Soem people have read it, but no new orders. I thought my DVD would sell really well. I have sold less then a 3rd that I had made. All of this is sort of dissapointing. But if you talk to other people they say that is very good for a business that started in May with as little capitol as you had in a down economy blah blah blah. I need something that can consistently pay the bills and what I hear from one parent is you just need to stick it out and grow you r business a bit and what I hear from the other parent is your profit margins are too low you won't make money. No one really seems to know. I have hired a bookkeeper to help me go over everything with a fine fine tooth comb. I bet she /he will know.

In some ways the yarn business is who I am and in other ways it is not, but I keep coming back to this "who I am" and it bothers the crap out of me because I DON'T HAVE TO BE ANYONE if I don't want to so why do I let myself get hung up in this container of a definition that is not serving me very well.

I am not sure. I have to think this over some more. Or better yet, not think about it at all. That seems like a way better solution :D. Anyways maybe this will make more sense if I go back to bed and start over.