Much Better

Well thanks to everyone for the comments, even Lala's :) ( I hope to visit her soon). I think what I find most insulting that people have said to me (and she said this too), get a marriage license and have a wedding later. I really want the ceremony that I am having at my wedding to be legally binding wedding. I have decided from now on, when someone says that to me I am going to ask them if that is what they did. But I am moving on. No more excuses.

I have come back to that point where I have too much to do, but I am finally learning to stop panicking about it. I think. I like to watch what not wear on my "lunch break" and I am constantly amazed about how women that I consider skinny or "normal weight" are super self conscious about their body. I am also amazed that (in New York City) there really are clothes to fit just about every body type. I am a little bummed because the show used to have more men on it and I don't think I have seen an episode with men in a long long time. It seems a little sexist. I have been watching more TV since Adam set one up in my computer room. I also watched wife swap. It was meh. The do a really good job of placing people with conflicting values in each others home. I think that is cool, I usually always side with a certain family. I think that I would get the uber conservative family. I don't know though.

(I am trying really hard to write a blog where I don't just talk about problems and negative things, it really seems to be flotsam...but we will see). I do want to say on this note though that before Adam and I lived together I had a lot of fear about what it would be like and if we were really as compatible as we thought we were and none of those fears became realized. I had fears that after the deployment he would come home from war and not be able to deal with the things he had done. So I have been watching him like a hawk, night and day. AS far as I can tell he seems to be fine. Some nightmares, some scary moments where he hasn't really believed that he is home. It hasn't been anything that has been a real problem.

Yesterday I had a stressful day, but today I am going to tread carefully and see if I have to stress about all things I keep stressing about. I mean I have a big decision to make about whether I am actually going to ride in the futurities and I think I am and I am trying to be brave. I am worried that I won't be as prepared and I could have been. I think that it was the best I could do given the circumstances and there is no reason to not ride. I may not be as prepared as I would like, but it is not like I am going to fall off, I just may not win. On the flip side every chance that I get to go out in that big arena and be nervous and ride anyways is a step towards being more relaxed. To chip away at that fear that I can never do anything "great" (that's a whole other stupid complex I have that really is not serving me well) is a step in the right direction. I am sure there will be riders less prepared then I am on not as nice mounts.

Lastly, all the money that I am worried about not having, I have no unpaid yarn bills this month. So all the yarn that I sell is money I do not have to pay back because I have already paid for it. So that gives me some freedom to dye some of the yarn and sell it at the London show where they will pay more for yarn because the dollar is so weak. So the panic attacks about the bills needs to stop as well or at least lessen. I have an idea of where I am going, and I have been wanting to dye yarn forever, and I haven't really been dyeing any and I love to do it. I got a bunch of new dyes in, in some great colors and I can't wait to try them.

Now that I have said all of my affirming -no -worrying things I am going to get out of bed. I like this style or writing the affirming things instead of the worries. I wonder if it really will change the tone for the day. Well its a good experiement. The other day when I was down I was perusing some blog and many of them were worried and sad and I wondered if it was just the time, because everyone seems to be worried about the country, but I then I decided that the world just goes on and some where in the world people are happy and enjoying there life and think that everythign is going to great and I want to be in that contingency. How is that for upbeat?