So Far Away

My husband asked me today why I didn't post on my blogga more. The reason: we have been arguing and I haven't felt like "airing my dirty laundry." I can't tell if it is a big deal or not, this deployment has been strangely harder then I thought it would be, and probably my greatest fear has been realized, Adam has seemed sort of like a different person. We both love each other still the same, but it seems like love, obligation and a joint checking account are all that holds us together these days. I know when he comes home and we see each other again that it will all be better because it always is and that is part of being married to an army man. Some days it seems like quite a strain to find something to talk about that will not set us off and we both tiptoe around whatever subject is difficult and it feels like the doubt and dread is palpable. Neither us of wants to say that thing that is going to drive the other crazy and neither of us is having "Happy Sunshine-y Days." Adam has gone on way more missions then he has heard reports of from other platoons (he has gone many more missions then he has heard the "average" in a short period of time), and I have had various successes with job hunting and I am still living in a very temporary position without most of our stuff. I was really sick two weekends ago, and then last weekend it was 18 degrees here for two days, icey on the roads and the outlet valves for black and grey water on the outside of the tanks froze shut. No potty or shower for two days until it thawed. I have fixed everything so that won't happen again, but it caught me off guard and was not fun. I have to say I am not our family's best handyman.

My experiments have been going well, but my job is so transitory its hard to make myself stick to any schedule and all three dogs have managed to get sick and at various times need antibiotics. Couple that with Adam needing some errands and me needing to deal with our auto insurance and to retrieve our pod back, getting out of bed in the morning and facing the day requires large amounts of effort. The funny thing it is not like I am totally alone all day or that I don't have pretty good friends here that helped me out when all the tough stuff happens, it seems the tough happens day in and day out and I am hoping this fog will lift soon. I went to the post office yesterday and I almost lost it at this ridiculous woman complaining and being very loudly rude about the dysfunction of the post office and how health care was headed the same way and I would have loved to shout at her or slap her, but I very kindly restrained myself. Then the freaking post office clerk was upset because I didn't declare exactly how many packets of ramen (which changed the value of the box by $3.00) I was sending and told me that my box could be confiscated if I failed to correctly declare the value of the package. If customs is confiscating soup and ramen, they really have nothing good to do. I looked at her and I said, "It would be just like if it was stolen, wouldn't it?" and she shut the fuck up. Thankfully. So I let Mac poop on the post office's lawn on the way in b/c he really had to go, and I was going to clean it up on the way out when I wasn't carrying everything and trying to get Adam's papers for promotion out, but I was so frustrated on the way out that I forgot. I kinda feel like it serves them right.

It's quarter to 6 and I haven't really eaten anything worth mention and because I am sticking to my diet again (with pretty good results, I have lost almost 20 lbs -- thank GOD) I am pretty limited on what I am allowed to eat and I haven't felt like cooking at all. I did make chicken soup last night but I have already eaten it 3 times. So I feel weak from not eating, but it is so much work to find the right food and cook them that I would almost rather be weak, and I am pretty sure this is how I got sick two weekends ago from not eating enough. Of course this makes me irritable, and makes me want to escape and spend money (that we really don't have) on tv shows games and movies. So I am trying to not do that either.

I know that Adam and I will work it out we always do. I feel a little sick in my stomach knowing there is this huge rift between us and no matter how we try to make it better it just seems to get bigger. We have a long time until even midtour leave. I am trying to busy myself with things I know make me feel better, but I feel like am leaving him behind more then ever when I do that. It is a tricky situation. Intellectually, in 20 years this stuff won't seem like a big deal, but right now it's consuming my life and I hate it. It's time for him to come home, no more stop loss, no more deployment. So please someone who can do something real about it, hear and bring him home safely as soon as possible. Before we both go crazy.