So.. worn.. out

I am heading to bed, I have been wanting to write in my blog forever. As well as ride my horses. But I can't because I am busy. Too busy. Always too busy. Letting the important stuff go.

Normally I let Adam's work sort of dictate my schedule. However tonight he is not coming home because he has to stay at WLC. So he is not here to tell me to come to bed. This is the first night I have had to spend alone in our apartment since he came home from Iraq and I feel like I am just falling apart. I don't want any sympathy bids. Nothing anyone can say is going to make me feel better. By the time most of you read I will already feel better. I wonder if this total panic about him not being here will ever go away.

I have slept alone since he has been home, but it has been because I am traveling not because I am home alone. Nothing like being home alone with too much time to yourself to make you wonder how you got here. What a strange feeling.

Mostly I feel tired, headachy, hot, and cranky. I hope I am not getting sick, that would definitely explain why I feel like crap though. Usually I just put up with it until he comes home and then I do feel like a million dollars. Last night he sang the song from Top Gun, you have lost that loving feeling to get me to give him a kiss. He makes me so happy when he is here.

But when he is not I am at a total loss. Not only am I pretty sure that's not very healthy, but it makes me feel pretty crazy and codependent. I am definitely feeling angry. Very angry.

Mostly I am tired of being nicey- nice to people. I am pretty much at the point where I totally understand why people go on shooting sprees and kill everyone for no reason. There is no good explaination. Anyways, tomorrow morning I hope I feel better, less angry. Mostly I am angry at myself for being pushed into these shitty positions where there is no way out but to explode. If I could tell everyone in my life how stupid and insane they are maybe I would feel better. Something is going to have to give. Tomorrow Adam will be home and things that seemed really confusing and angry making will make more sense. I hope.