Two Thoughts for the Evening

First Topic: Tiredness

I am pretty tired. I am tired because the last couple of nights I have had trouble sleeping. It's certainly not because I am not active enough during the day. It's been hot at night, I have a bunch of bug bites, AND I wonder if Adam is going to call coupled with I know that I have a lot to do and that I have to get up and get going in the morning. So when I go to bed I think to myself," I need to start to get to sleep because if Adam calls I want to be able to get some sleep in before he wakes me up." So I do sleep and then like last night he calls (this time around 3 am my time) and I try really really really hard to stay awake and be coherent and even a little funny. A long silence will pass and I will realize I am falling back asleep and panic calling out, "You Still there!?!?!" not entirely sure whether I am dreaming or not. Then I try to remember all the things I wanted to ask him. He says he has to go and I am getting pretty good at falling right back asleep. Last night we talked for about 45 minutes. I had to drive to Colorado Springs today and I was pretty sleepy on the drive down, which I know means I have to be extra careful. So now night approaches. I want Adam to call again, but I don't know whether I will be able to be fully functional tomorrow on the drive back to Wyoming if he does. Irregardless, if I hear the phone ring I am going to answer it. It is just a funny place to be to not want him to call and want him to call so much at the same time. I feel a little guilty because I know he is working waay harder then me on waay less sleep, and doing much more difficult.

Second Topic: The weight of having someone gone.

I was reading Kayli's (I hope I got the spelling right!) blog about her two heros, her Dad and her boyfriend. These happen to be my same two heros, though my Dad is not ill. I think that many people do not realize what a weight having someone overseas is on your everyday actions. Maybe it doesn't affect other people the same way it affects me. I feel like every day I get up and put on my strong face and when Adam calls, the happy note in my voice. I think people don't realize all little things that constantly remind you that he is over there. Right now I avoid certain songs or stories or news because I know for me personally it will be hard to deal with (these things include army related television, songs like "Travelin' Soldier" by the Dixie Chicks and certain newscasts, esp in the web). I try to segment my day so that I have some kind of relief time , but somehow I must not always give myself enough of this because I sometimes seem to have total breakdowns over very small things. I feel like sometimes people don't seem to think about how it can just wear you down, and I don't even realize that I am worn down so to speak. I think that I work really hard to not let it take over my day and keep going, but that doesn't mean it’s not on my mind it just means I trying to make the best of the situation and I know that moping about it isn't good for anyone. Plus you don't really want to drag everyone around you down. I sympathize with Kayli and would like to recognize the heroic effort it must take to be "strong" about Austin being in Iraq and in addition the strength it might take day to day dealing with her father being ill. I not arguing it’s a burden I merely point out that it is not an easy set of circumstances.

I hope that "everyday" people can find sometime in any given day to reflect on not only the bravery of our troops, but just to note that army-significant-others may appear to be "fine" and "coping well," and they mostly likely are, but that no matter how fine you are or how well you are coping there exists the undeniable fact that having someone you love in a "war zone" or any sort of deployment is very stressful. People subjected to this stress need to have some sort of outlet for it, in my opinion. So when these people seem off, or appear to have undue stress, just remember that we all have hard times and in some small way all of us are paying a price for us being at war. Whether you are fighting, someone you love is fighting, or someone you know loves someone who is fighting, please be aware that thinking that this war doesn't affect you is naive, I am sure it affects someone you care about or someone with whom you spend a good deal of time. So next time you hear about someone in Iraq or someone losing someone in Iraq (or anywhere for that matter) know that it may not be your heart that is in jeopardy on a day to day basis, but I bet someone you know and/or like’s is.

Now I have to say there are many people being very, very supportive and I have to say Thank you for your well wishes and considerations, they do mean a lot especially since most are sincerely heartfelt.

Okay its bedtime
Jennamyna