This Economy

So I have been reading the Army Times lately and one thing that caught my eye was that combat veterans from the "War on Terrorism" have a super high unemployment rate: 21%. I am glad to say that Adam is applying to college after this. I mean I understand there isn't much call in the civilian world for the skills they possess, but still that means a 1/5th of combat veterans don't have jobs.

So I have been out of work lately myself and I am sure many can empathize that two people (and their dogs and their horses) living on a single income leaves a lot to be desired. So I have been trying to find a job for a variety of reason one of which is that it wouldn't hurt to have some extra cash around. I got a temporary research jobs at the college where I graduated from studying starving bacteria (otherwise known as GASPing only for my experiment we are using V. fischeri rather then E. coli) and I am enjoying it, but possibilities abound after Oct 15th-20th or so when the project should wrap up. I am going tomorrow to Fort Collins (which is not a base) to look at some rooms for rent in houses.

Place A
The first is a small house(3 bedroom / 1500 sq ft), and I would be able to rent a room for around $350, and she has a dirt arena and barn. She has agility and herding dogs and we seem to have a lot in common. There is also another "roommate" who is a horse trainer but he may not stay if I move in, if I take he spot he might have a better place to stay and would take the opportunity to break his lease. She is looking for a year lease and I have not talked to her about the necessity for a military clause yet and I don't know how she will take it.

Place B
The other place has a room for $450 and around pen and a barn and two other roommates (both women) and and pastures for the horses and a storage shed behind the house and a fenced in yard for the dogs. She also mentioned there were quite a few good close places to go riding, including trails right off the property. The women who owns this house is moving to Colorado Springs (to be with an Air Force Guy) funnily enough and internet and cable is included I believe (the other place has internet no tv). Also she mentioned that if I wanted to get my stuff out of storage she would move her living room furniture to Colorado Springs and I could move in my furniture. This will only be possible if there is quite a bit of room for furniture, but on the other side I could my very comfy queen bed back. Anything that doesn't fit will either have to be stored or gotten rid of, not to mention I will have to move it all/ figure it all out by myself. I explained to her that I am army and will break the lease if Adam comes home early, she said that was not a problem. So that was nice.

So back to the job thing I was thinking about applying for grad school. Studying for the GRE's has been brutal. I am normally pretty darn good at standardized testing, but this has not been easy at all. I have already studied over 3-4 hours and I know I am not even hitting the tip of the iceberg. I need to practice all three subjects and learn a ton of vocab and practice writing essays. I see now why people can take a year to study for this exam. I made an appointment with the career center here to get some help applying to grad school. I obviously want to go to CSU since that is where Adam will go if he gets in, which I think he has a good chance. Thought to be fair in times like these more people then ever apply to college and grad school so getting in to either school is not going to be a walk in the park.

To more fun things, I found a place to do agility tomorrow and I am scheduled for 9:15am so I am very excited. Then I have to run by the lab and check on the experiment (do a quick dilution series) then off to Fort Collins, to be back to feed a friend's fish, cats, and dogs. I am doing some house sitting in exchange for being able to use internet, cable and washing machine. :D

That's all for now, so if anyone knows anyone in the Fort Collins area that is looking to hire a biology (think research/lab) or computer science major(think programming / customer service), they say networking is the best way to get a job. Brrrrr I should get something to eat.... MMMMMMmmmm

Denial- not just a river in Egypt

So you're right ;) I haven't written in a month. I have to remember why I do this, do I do it for me or do I do it for you (dear reader lol)? A little of both, I am not going to make excuses sometimes a blog is like a commitment and I am not sure it is one I would be willing to uphold for the entire duration of the deployment.

Regardless, my excuse is that I am in denial that he left, I don't really want to believe it, but as I got all of his clean laundry back from the laundromat and I begrudgingly acknowledged that I will put his clothes away in a suitcase so I can have some more room in our tiny travel trailer and inevitably I don't want to do it, but I know I will. I am back down to the week count and in another day he will have 50 weeks left, and its better then 52 weeks and that's all I look forward to.

I am not going to lie, this deployment is easier. I know what to expect and I have faith he will come home safe and we are married so I have a lot more rights and responsibilities. I have recently stopped promising myself out to people because I realized that I was just being used as the doormat no matter how I felt about it. I am 24 years old and for once I feel like I can be "the responsible adult" without being obligated to be. I used to always feel the other way around. It comes more naturally now and its less hard (I say that as I know I have a sink full of dirty dishes). I have never really lived what I perceive as the quiet life, going home early going to bed early, reading, a lot self motivated studying, cooking, spending time with my dogs.

I am truly free to do whatever I want now. I mean I have to look after our stuff and our dogs, but beyond that I am free to roam as long as I don't spend any money lol. People just don't understand my lifestyle, they like to be anchored to something they feel like they can depend on, but really for me right now with Adam gone the only thing I can depend on is me. It used to feel desperate and lonely and it doesn't feel that way anymore. It feels quiet and peaceful, thought I have to say, it did NOT feel that way last night at 3 am when there was something from the broken awning flapping against the trailer int the howling wind scaring the dogs and keeping us all awake. I thought to myself where the heck is and why isn't he here to fix it. I dealt with it this morning. Ugh.

Anyways right after Adam left everyone (including Adam himself)called me and asked me if I was "okay." I was like sure I am "okay," how would I display not "okay"-ness? And honestly what would you do if I wasn't "okay"? My Dad gave me a big hand by staying with me after Adam left (in my little trailer!!) and helping me drive and helping me pay for somethings. it was really nice. I am here on my own blowing wherever job and housing take me. I am not so sure I want to spend Dec/ Jan in Colorado in my trailer. I know it can be done,but I am not feeling that brave and I need to get our stuff out of storage so I get all of our winter clothes out or I am going to freezer by buttocks off.

My big plan means I am just going to go with whatever works and seems to fit. I am aware that most people don't run their lives that way, but that's where I am going.

Has it really been a month?

Guilty as charged..... and on top of everything else I keep thinking of good topics to write about-- they just don't make it to the computer.

How about the fun news? Adam and I are living in an airstream rather that a house. Before I viewed it as a travesty-- now all I see it adventure. I started volunteering for the red cross and that has been pretty cool.

I guess now I am in the count down until he goes to Iraq and I have to figure out what in the world I could possibly do for a job. Adam has told me I can look anywhere in the west. I have looked in Flagstaff and Phoenix, but right now I am looking pretty seriously at Fort Collins. I just have a really hard time applying for jobs. I wish it was a little easier, I tend to sell myself short when it comes to applying for things and wrack my brain for good things to says and how to write my cover letter to its best advantage. Half the time I don't even know where to look for the job. It's so disheartening. I keep find jobs that I could do, but I just don't find very interesting and maybe I am just jaded by being able to what I want when I want. I just look at so many processes and wonder if they could be less complex. I don't know, I don't even know where to go next! I know it's crazy. When we were in Fort Collins it just felt like home. It was so calming and comforting. It just seemed like the"right" place to be. Now if I can find a job.... gulp.

Can't Sleep....

And apparently that last post I posted was my 200th! Wow. Weird. Moving on. Adam would be pissed if he knew I was up, but I just can't sleep. It's been nastily hot here and that makes it hard to eat in the evening and sleep. As far as I can tell the weather in Washington only has about 60 redeeming days throughout the whole year (my apologies to the folks here who love the weather).

So I have a great solution to the "I don't wanna pack blues" -- turn on the tv to a marathon of the show Clean House and if that doesn't make you rethink all the clutter in your life I don't really know what will. With our living situation and the unknowing of exactly when Adam is going to deploy makes me anxious. I keep looking at all these sciencey jobs that I am actually qualified for and I all I can think about is how they will take me further from my horses. The world works in mysterious ways and thankfully (and I am very grateful) thinks have always just sort of worked out for me and Adam.

Maybe my hesitancy and tendency to fear the worse by taking an indoor 9 -5 job is unfounded because it will lead to me actually being able to afford to keep a horse. I terrified of losing my riding skills by being terribly overweight (which I currently am) and by allowing my focus to drift else where. I have seen at least 3 (count them -- THREE) entry level technician jobs in Arizona, one even working under a guy who would probably be the ideal candidate to approach for a masters should I so desire. I haven't turned in any of the applications yet because I am afraid of who that would make me. Nonetheless, I am qualified in a way many people would love to be and to not go when I would probably really enjoy the job and my family could really use the money seems childish.

I know Adam doesn't care as long as I am truly happy and he keeps telling me to go for what I think is important and I keep milling around in my brain what can I do next. I mean really though will I be truly happy if we are always struggling financially? It doesn't help that my living situation and / or obligations to my little sister may or may not become very complicated. The only thing to do now is put one foot infront of the other and see what makes sense and apply for those jobs. I guess part of me worries I am not qualified, that the competition is too fierce, that I won't make the cut, so I don't even want to try-- I know that is a mistake.

One of the things that I really love about the army is the way it seems so steady. I mean I know that it is a romanticized version, but you can expect the reveille to be played in the morning for PT and that Adam will most days get lunch between 11:30 and 13:00 and base is crowded then. I love how every wears their name and their rank on their outfit so I know at a glance "who" the army says they are. I like how most people drive slower on base and stop for pedestrians. I mean don't get me wrong I think a lot of things are dumb too, but coming from a family heritage where we were never part of a community, I just can't get over and I feel extraordinarily privileged and safe on base, like I am part of the secret club. I get to shop at the special grocery store and I don't need a reason to be nice to people. Funny, huh? I guess it is just the way I was raised. Adam gives me a hard time,"If you like it so much why don't you join?" I have thought about it, but I don't think I could do it. You have to be a certain person when you join, and Adam doesn't mind being different and getting in trouble for it when he is wrong and and getting recognized for it when he is right, but I couldn't be "myself" and be a soldier I don't think. I don't know though. I would be in a different army that's for sure, I would probably be a POG and a sir, I am not sure if Adam would come to resent me.

Next Deployment......

Let's get to the point. I have begun to pack up our shit. We have a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff went to good will today. I have tried to impress upon Adam that we don't have a ton of time to get all of this stuff done so for our first 4 day together we played Fallout 3... for four days straight, stopping long enough to pack one box of books and do some laundry. I justified this in my mind by thinking,"Weellll he hasn't played in over a month....." I had no self justification. Sigh.

So today I got after it a little more, I did some more laundry, ate some healthier stuff and cleaned and threw out some old papers. Lo and behold I found the first month's letters from the first deployment. I sat down and read them and I was amazed by them. They basically deal with the time in my life that I was graduating from college and all the great stuff I thought was going to happen and the cool person I was going to be. They were very sweet. I would say, like most relationships that the brand- new-ness intensity has worn off. This deployment I will be more seasoned and Adam keeps assuring me it will be much safer.... and it will probably be a little safer. Adam ended up being shuffled around and he will be going to a slightly different place with a different job and perhaps it will be safer. Regardless I am not sure how much frantic letter writing will be going on. Last time I sent him a lot of care packages and this time I am not sure I will have the money to spend quite as much as I did last time. Besides I am going to have to come up with something more meaningful to send to him-- something more useful and exciting. If I figure out what that could possibly be I will let you know, but I am not holding my breath.

Looking at my options now and what I could have done and what I did do in this time that he has been deployed and then home, I feel like if I had done x then now I would have option y to do or use or whatever, but there is no way to have know what I know EXCEPT for to do the things I have done. It is quite hilarious, I am waiting for my BIG moment when I am going to do the super cool thing I am going to do or be or that is going to "define my life," but I am pretty sure that it is in progress to and that to get there I am just going to keep doing what I am doing -- a lot of things that are not a big deal and are non life defining. I am taking what I learned, moving forward, enjoying the time I have.

Being married means a lot of sacrifices, but I am really enjoying it. My husband is is great and thoughtful (although at times picky and childish), and I am glad we are forging ahead together. I am definitely not AS scared for this deployment and I think that is for several reasons.
1) I have done this before, fear of the unknown-- greatly lessened. 2) I have a better understanding of Army stuff in general and I am getting more comfortable around Army stuff (base included). 3) I am older and more sure of myself (wiser). There really is somethign about having seen more stuff and had more time on this planet that makes you feel more secure. Strange that. Anyways.

Off to make some elk burgers and to do soem other non-life defining earth moving moments. :)

Been Wanting To Talk

So it turns out my Mom is having an affair. Normally this is the kind of thing you keep secret-- you definitely don't air on your blog, but she told me it was perfectly "normal" and that her and husband had "agreed" it was a good idea. I am trying to pretend to accept an agreement by three consenting adults and failing. It's not just because I don't believe that those sort of relationships can (I personally don't but if it does for you.....fine) it's because I do not believe there was consent and I believe it is a childish act by all parties that will only result in misfortune.

I keep thinking that one day my Mother will grow up and not be selfish and I keep looking for the signs and they are not coming. I would like to get out of this trap. I would like to move on and look beyond my parents and see what things I am.

I have turned into a person that I never thought I would become. Yesterday I drove Adam around base all day. I came home and feel asleep at 6 pm. I don't know if I depressed or worn out and I have no idea where to go from here. It's like I am walking around in Never Never Land looking for some Ruby slippers.

On the bright side Adam and I are spending LOTS of time together and I am so happy to be spending every possible second that we have together. I mean we are having some tight finances, but who isn't right now, that's just the economy I think, and honestly if that is all the problems we have we are certainly blessed. I can't even believe how relaxing it is to have him home.

I have been thinking a lot about what to do next, I was laughing because I was talking to a friend in a similar situation and I said I was still trying to figure out "what to do after college" and he put his drink and said let's toast to that. It's so true right now. We all want more for less. I have been doing a TON of really interesting reading including, The Outliers which is basically about the circumstances how really great people had the opportunities to be great. I read Gang Leader for A Day which was about a guy who investigated the projects (Robert Taylor Homes) of Chicago for 6 years as a socioloigst. I am in the process of reading Hot, Flat, and Crowded by Thomas Freidman and he brought up the most disturbing point about Americans are funding both sides of the war on terrorism as we buy gas from the Saudis and the Saudis fund all sorts of fundamental religious groups and then we fight the war with tax payer dollars. It does seem like a bad circle. It makes me want to do something drastic about the way we consume oil in the US.

Anyways sitting around like I have been makes my brain overflow with ideas and they are overflowing onto my blog. I think I might start another blog just to pull together some ideas from each of these books. I feel like a conspiracy theorist when I write that there has to be some way to pull all of this information and ideas together to make sense and be meaningful. I mean honestly who cares about this if we are just reading about it and sitting on our asses? We keep gathering all this data and what does it mean? It's just more useless words if it doesn't do something for us, other then being interesting.

Anyways more on this later, I am working on finding the meaning of my life. :)

Temptation

"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil....."

So I am in Vermont visiting my family and I spent a couple years here in high school so I am catching up with old friends and it is great to see them. I have friend that I was pretty close with when I lived here and her husband is a truck driver so he is a way a lot. We have another mutual friend that she hangs out with A LOT. He is funny and good looking, maybe gay -- maybe not we don't ask -- he dates girls occasionally, but is very talented and artistic, where as her husband is the strong, silent type. Very loyal, but not very charismatic.

Anyways a couple days ago her husband when out of town and both him and I were invited over to her house. They were very friendly and I had hung out with them earlier in the week as well, and they are always together, eating lunch and spending time at each other's house. Sometimes he will stay in her spare bedroom, because he lives a half an hour away and if he gets drunk he just stays over. They are huggy, but it doesn't seem like they are having an affair per se. People here in this community are very close to each other and have known each other since they were 4 and they are closer to each other than I am to alot of my friends. Their parents know each other and their grandparents know each other etc etc.

I don't know about you guys, but when Adam is away I am very careful how friendly I am with other men. I would not ever want to give anyone a reason to even suspect me of being unfaithful, and I honestly do not want to put my self in any sort of situation where one thing could lead to another. When I hang out with them I don't drink and I go home early. I feel like they think I am being sort of prudish, but I jsut can't risk anythign out of the ordinary. I get lonely really easily and I am not willing to take a risk for anyone to take advantage of that.

Do you guys think I am being silly? Does any one else feel this way when their husbanmd is gone? You think I am being too judgemental? Can they really be just friends?