Just Another Day awaiting a Soldier..

Long time No See

2011-02-18T15:17:00.002-07:00

Hello All-

I don't really write in the this blog anymore. Too busy, not enough content. We are out of the army. I don;t have any more angst-y insightful army post about missing my husband. Well I am older now too. Please feel free to read my archived blog, but I don't anticipate much activity on this blog in the future. Maybe if something cool comes up.

Take care-
Hooah!
Jenna

Blessed

2010-05-20T16:56:00.002-06:00

I am blessed. I have recently been dealing with some families issues surrounding one of my sisters. It's been sad and painful. In everything there is a silver lining. The silver lining in all of this is that I am free and blessed. I have stepped away from my Mother's craziness in a way that is so fundamental it makes everything clear.

When I was 16 my Mother kicked me out of the house, because I was,"destroying her family." It tore me apart. I felt unwanted when I left. Looking back on it, I caused myself to leave. I behaved in such a way that I drove her away. My sister wants someone to rescue her. The truth is in the end we can only rescue ourselves. I rescued myself. When the reality of my Mother's inane and impossible standards clashed with the way I would no longer tolerate being treated, I got kicked out. Yeah she kicked me out. But I "left her no choice."

I am blessed because the people I care about don't try to avoid me the way I try avoid my Mother. The people I care about try to spend more time with me not less. I am saying this simply because I am grateful that these people take the time to spend with me.

Seeing my Mother today with no answer to life's pertinent questions, to see her lie and weasel and create fantasy, made me realize that she is going to lose everything. All her lies are going to catch up with her, and she doesn't have any of the answers. That's not the person I remember, but I am betting she has always been that way.

I am pulling for you little Dakota, and know I have faith in you to do the right thing, whatever that ends up being for you. You know the truth and you know the difference between right and wrong.

A little Ranting: Food Safety

2010-05-13T17:09:00.002-06:00

I have recently moved back home to Wyoming where my Aunt and Uncle have chickens and goats, thus we have milk and eggs. I have been making some cheeses, when I got called away to another matter and I am temporarily in Arizona.

I have been trying to find out what it takes to get an egg selling license and a cheesemaking/ selling license in Wyoming and finding almost no information on the web. Terribly disappointing.

So Wyoming House of Representative (Area 52) Susan Wallis is trying to pass the Wyoming Food Safety Act, which would allow small producers to sell their products directly to consumers without a license/ inspection. The bill has been met with opposition mainly from people who think their inspections keep our food safe... yeah right. Also some jackass lawyer (you can google it if you care) who thinks people will get sick and he will make a lot of money from suing people, typical lawyer behavior.... Below are my thoughts about about home producers and this act.

Go SUE GO!

No one is forcing anyone to buy home-made things. People are welcome to buy processed foods and nasty antibiotic feedlot fed beef.

I don't think you can have worthwhile opinion about so called "food safety" unless you have been to a feedlot, large commercial slaughterhouse, a commercial pig farm, large industrial dairy farm, or a caged chicken farm. If you can go to ALL of those places and look at that and say I am comfortable with how these animals are being treated and fed and either killed or collected, then by all means sound off.

However, I think if you were to personally inspect he places where "home butchered" or "small facility butchered" meat (or dairy or farm raised eggs WHATEVER) comes from you would find yourself choosing home made stuff no matter how institutionalized you have become. Most small farmers and cottage industry type people will let you view or visit their prep areas and the place their products are made. Good luck doing that with your favorite slaughter house.

In addition, these people often eat their own products, and feed them to their families,thus they are EXTRA careful not to make themselves and their families sick. They will throw out anything questionable and start over with a fresh batch. Because they work with their animals and product daily they know what to look for to see if something is off. Rather then some guy paid $8.50 an hour going down some mandatory checklist waiting to get off his shift. I mean what kind of psycho enjoys killing cattle all day-- day in and day out. I would rather have my meat slaughtered seasonally by someone who raised the cattle and is less worried about their quarterly statement to their investors and more worried about the health and well being to their animals and families.

Only here in the US do we have such strange neuroses about "food safety." Why don't you become more of a world traveler and see that in most places around the world, the food sanitation is much less government controlled and they are less sick...In fact start with France, which in my not-so-humble-opinion is one of the food capitals of the world. Many of the milks for the cheeses are not pasteurized and most food purchases come from farmer's markets.

If you are still confused on this matter, please research, a good place to start is the book Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan.

He had to go back.

2010-05-07T22:49:00.002-06:00

It sucks doesn't it? My husband is "safely" back in sector so I guess according to all the opsec rules I am allowed now to say he is going back. I don't know if any of you have heard the Bill Engvall skit about him flying with the thunderbirds (? the navy's super fast jets) and about how he keeps saying "roger" to everything the pilot says. It's really funny, it's on his 15 degrees off cool album. I feel that way sometimes, well if she'd only had not mentioned he was headed back to Iraq everything would have been okay.

I am ridiculously superstitious. It's a little silly. If I want something little to happen I pretend to do the opposite thing. It's very strange. I don't walk under ladders, I don't do things that "tempt fate." I am one of the most scientific people I know and I am still superstitious. I think it is something that people do to cope with situation out of their control. I have done ever since I was very little.

Oh well, Adam asked me to write in my blog, but feeling uninspired I don't have much to say, other then, I love you honey and I hope this post finds all the other milspouses as happy as they can be given their circumstances, my good will and best wishes go out to everyone.

Night :)

He's Home!

2010-04-10T20:13:00.001-06:00

Talk to you in about 2 weeks-- I am not ignoring you-- just preoccupied!

Single Digit Days

2010-04-01T12:33:00.002-06:00

Such a strange thing, one minute I am so excited he will be here the next within the week and the next minute, I can't even bring myself to think about it. How do you think about it without dreading that he will have to go back in two weeks. It seems like a smokescreen: he's back!! No not really "back" back...... he has to go away again. God I feel old and cynical. Have I really gotten that deadened to his comings and goings? In my nonchalant little way. I don't want to get excited or jazzed because then I know the wait will be intolerable. There is no way to be calm when your head space is excited in that way.

I was supposed to drive back to Colorado today, but since I had no word, I stayed an extra day with his Mom. I just don't think he gets it. NO you DON'T want me alone at the house waiting for you. I promise. Not a good way to be. I can compare this intense waiting feeling with ONLY one other feeling. If you have ended a relationship with someone no matter who dumped who and the breakup is fresh. You know over time you will feel better you will move on and put it behind you. You wish you could jump to 3 months from now when you know it will hurt less, if you could just fast forward through the daily hurts and skip to the part where you feel better. It's a lot like that where you want to jump over the emotional roller coaster and anxiety and skip right to the him being there part. But you can't and that emotional roller coaster part is the part I DREAD.

Wiggly

2010-03-29T15:32:00.003-06:00

My whole life is wiggly right now. Can't be pinned down at any one place. I talked to Adam last night and his comment was, it's only a couple more months. He is only looking to the end of the deployment. Very funny. I am looking beyond the deployment into the "rest of our lives." I was talking to my Dad the other day about all the stuff I had going on in my life personally and his comment was,"We have a lot of balls in play right now." That hits the nail on the head to say the least. My little sister is having a lot of problems with my mother and it's starting to take its toll on both of us. People keep telling me, it's not that bad, and then I tell them after hearing some of my stories that they are welcome to try and spend a week living with her. Their instant reaction is no way in hell. Then I ask them, "Then how can you tell me I should let her go back for several months if you won't even spend a week?" Doesn't seem fair. Then they tell me it is not my responsibility. If it is not my responsibility, then whose is it?

So I have been doing a lot of horseback riding and thinking. I have always wanted to start my own line of western shirts. I don't know a ton about it, but go to any event and there is a serious need. These events require that the shirts be tucked in and 99% of the women's shirts made are too short, and the sleeves are too short. I paid to have some gorgeous designs drawn up and I love them, I would have to get samples and different sizings made. I have a logo and a name for the company. The big name shirt companies often make one or two performance shirts a season. One season they were mostly pink. If you don't want a pink shirt your are out of luck. I would imagine the shirts I would produce would be more expensive then the average Western shirt, but I would expect the quality and the fit to be superb. I don't know enough about the market to know if it would hold such a company. There are some tests you can do to find out what initial response is so I guess the next thing to do is have some samples made and try it. After having my last business idea flop I am not excited about failing again. I guess you could say I a pretty scared to try. I thought about maybe putting together a business and taking it to a big clothing company and seeing if they were interested. I have a feeling they would just steal my ideas. I don't know do you guys think? Get a normal 9-5 and give on my grand dreams? Or charge into my grand schemes and learn to tolerate failure if I do fail?

I don't know. Today I thought about all the stuff going in my life and how I couldn't really talk about a ton of it because so many people I know read my blog. So I disconnected my blog from my facebook and tried to get a little more personal and tell you real stuff rather then just beating around the bush about everything that is going on because really what's the point? I am who I am and if I don't fit in with Bob and Jane's so-called normal life I don't. I live in a world where I was told I could grow up to be anything and that I should be innovative and amazing and inventive. I have had the opportunity to do some amazing things, but now that I have to stand on my own two legs, on my own laurels I am not sure I am doing that. I feel like I am waiting for stuff to happen to me. It' not a great feeling I have to say. One of my faults is that I rush into things and tire of them quickly. Thus I hesitate to start things because I never know how long I will be interested in something. So instead of deciding things I waffle. Once you make a decision you stuck with it until you can get out of it. How long do you have to stick with something before you decide it's not right? My last job? 3 pay periods.... I hated it.... My house in Fort Collins, 6 months, it's just not working for me it's too expensive for what I am getting, and I am not hanging out with people who are moving me forward. Fort Collins as a city: I am taking a break, I haven't found a job I like and I am still not sure about the snow and cold winters.

It's all wiggly.

Decisions, Decisions.....

2010-03-25T18:01:00.003-06:00

(Warning: This is a long rambling kinda of personal post. You have been warned.)

Have you ever been thinking about what to do and then someone says the obvious answer? That happened to me. I don't know how you people plan your lives, but this is what I do with mine. I look at all the things I am trying to do, the commitments I have to keep, and that cash flow I have. Then I figure out the best course of action, this leads me down a very different path then most people.

So I was looking at how to pay off some debt I got myself into (totally MY fault) and my Dad mentioned that he wasn't at his house in Wyoming and I could have the whole place to myself, rent and utility free while he is most gone for the next 5 months. I can store all my stuff, all my horses are there, and I can keep my horses there for the price of feed. I have been trying to not move back to Wyoming for a lot of personal reasons, one of which is that I get REALLY REALLY lonely there. I went to boarding school, so I don't know many people, and going to a liberal arts college is not the norm for many, so I don't really fit in. However, as soon as my Dad said that to me, I knew that leaving my house in Fort Collins was the way to go, even though I didn't really want to at first. I thought I would find a job I liked there, and everything would fall right into place. It hasn't. I would settle down there IF I didn't have to go back to Washington after Adam get back.

That's where the huge hitch is in the whole process. If I would find a stable regular job in Fort Collins, we could probably afford a house with a little land for some horses. All I need to do is be able to put $600 a month towards a mortgage. The banker told me even if I have a written letter saying I have a job starting within 60 days we could probably get it done. When Adam gets back from Iraq, I have been told in no uncertain terms that even though he was stoplossed we have to give 3 more months where he has been stationed. I don't understand why 3 months, but that's the deal. SO me and Adam and the airstream trailer are headed for our RV park near exit 114 in Washington for 3 dreary Washington winter months. Well at least I will have the wonderful Olympia farmers market. For all practical purposes , it's April. I gave notice, I am going to move out at the end of the month. Even if I did get a job in this tough economy you think they are just going to be "cool" with me heading for Washington for 3 months this fall after I start? I think not. I have been working on all kinds of temp work ideas, but none have really panned out.

So I looked at the money I was spending and the money I was not bringing in and it became clear to me it was time to cut back on the spending. Especially when you consider in Fort Collins I am paying for TV, internet, electricity, gas ,and garbage. Adam's family also has some nice land and has invited me the horses and the dogs down. I am definitely going to take her up on that.

I guess what it comes down to is I don't like to work when I don't see a purpose or if I don't like or respect the people with whom I work. I don't really want a mindless 9-5. My job has to mean something to me and maybe some people see that as foolish and selfish, but that is who I am and that is who my husband married. I don't think he has a problem with it. I mean sometimes you have to suck it up and take one for the team, but I don't so I am not.

Everyday since Ada, left I have been doing things I choose to do. If I have a bad day, I have no one, but me, to be responsible for it. It's supposed to be liberating and often it is. I mean I thank God everyday that I am fortunate enough to be this way. I just wish I had something productive I could work towards or something to be part of so I wasn't so lonely. Unfortunately, I don't know many other college graduated- roping horseback riders-computer science- gaming- home cooks - stay at home army wifes. And by all means it's not that I am against people who are not. We just don't have a ton in common. I can smile politely and be interested in whatever it is you do, but it is not the most fufilling thing on the planet. What I would really love to find is more people who are into the same styles of riding and roping as me and hang out. Wellll goood luck. I would even really enjoy some people to play board games with or magic or some people to invite over for a (gasp) dinner party. That would be pretty fun. Since none of these things seem to be happening in Fort Collins, I may as well move back to Wyoming. Much cheaper there. Right now (and if you are still reading) I an near Fort Huachuca in Sonoita, AZ. There is a game store in the nearby town of Sierra Vista and they have game nights on Friday and Saturday and I thought I might swing by and check it out.

On a much different note, since I came to Arizona, my horses have been goign really well. I could write a whole other blog about my views on riding. I love my horses and I love to ride. Pictured above is Adam's horse Quick Draw ( I did post pictures of him as a baby in 2007 and you can see he has grown quite a bit). He was hot ans sweaty from being ridden and then I put my little Shelby in the saddle. She was pretty nervous, but she held still for the picture.

Early to Bed

2010-03-24T17:23:00.002-06:00

I never used to go to bed early. This is something that Adam has taught me because he had to go to bed early. I used to have a really hard time falling asleep and instead would go to bed and stay up and read or play video games really late. I do not allow a television in our bedroom, for many reasons, but the main one being I would stay up late watching TV every night. I will let you in on a little secret I have learned. If you go to bed early getting up in the morning is generally a lot easier. If you go to bed at 8:30 or 9 every night, 6:30 to 7:30 am wake ups are easy-peasy. In fact, it will be really really hard to sleep past 8.

Now if I have something important to do in the morning I have no trouble "making" myself go to bed, I dread the waking up groggy and trying to push myself through a day. I almost never stay up late and jeopardize the next day. Where was this impetus when I was going to college and I was CONSTANTLY tired? Is something that just changes as you get older? If so I hope myself discipline for getting up, dressed and going in the morning when I am totally alone will be the next thing that just starts becoming natural. If I am with other people, I will get up/ dressed/ shower, etc and lead a normal day. If I am by myself I laze along until 10:30 or so before I get going. I have no self discipline that way.... maybe I should take some lessons from my husband... : )

I know why I go to bed early now and it is a sort of funny/ silly reason.In my mind, it makes the days go by faster. If I can get through another day, no matter how fun or good it was I always feel the same way; if I can get through it and go to bed, another day will come and I am that much closer to the deployment being over. I look forward for bed, not because I am tired, but because it is another day down. THANK GOD.

Last time Adam was deployed, I thought to myself, everything will be easier when he comes home. I won't have to take care of the house by myself, cook by myself, figure out how to spend the weekend by myself, etc. It wasn't easier when he came home, everything just doubled by two. It was in general more fun to do everything, but we had to make both people happy. I didn't know before he left the last time because we hadn't lived together. We lived together for over a year before this latest deployment. It's also true that we didn't have a ton of free time because the army work schedule is pretty demanding. SO here I am halfway through another deployment, and I catch myself thinking, "It will all be easier when he is home to stay..." and then I remember, yes somethings WERE easier, but most things are the same. If I want things to be "easier" (whatever the fuck that means -- I mean really... easier?) I better make them easier now. Definitely NOT wait for Adam to come home and hope for everything in my life to be magically "easier".

Anniversary

2010-03-22T15:27:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was Adam's and my one year wedding anniversary. It is hard to believe it has already been a year. It's a little hard to believe that out of that first year of marriage we only got to spend 6 months together. I hung out with some friends and visited Tombstone, AZ yesterday and made sure to eat a bunch of Girl Scout cookies to celebrate. There was not enough cake left over to save plus that would involve living in one place.... ha ha ha ha. Not likely.

Adam is going to get midtour leave soon and so I am going to have to cut my trip in Arizona short and head home. I am not as excited as I thought I would be, but I know it is just a matter of time. I know it hasn't really hit me yet and when it does it will be like a tsunami or a big rig truck. I am trying to keep it in the back of my mind as much as possible. Once I am in the grip of Adam coming home excitement, watch out. I am a maniac and nothing else matters and you can't talk to me about anything else. You might see why I put this off until the very last moment. Normally I am so excited at the airport I cry and tremble. It's pretty pathetic. Oh well, I just bring a box of tissues and make the best of it.

I am ready for this deployment to be over. Really ready. I would almost trade midtour leave for him coming home to stay two weeks earlier. I am sure he needs the break, but I could hang on until the end of the tour if it meant he was coming home to stay.

Anyways-- to one successful year of marriage and hopefully to many more.

Movie Trailers

2010-03-13T17:55:00.002-07:00

Movie trailers make things not seems so far away. I saw Alice in Wonderland in 3D with Adam's younger sister Becca. It was pretty good. It was a little flat for me, a little empty. Actually the best thing about the whole dang movie was the trailer for Tron. I didn't like the first one and the new one looks meh, maybe it will be good. I noticed the release date for the movie is 12.17.10. Adam will be home then. We can see it together. I was so excited I almost jumped in my seat I was so excited. I feel like I may be over the hump. It almost feels like he may come home soon.

It's like the first signs of springs, but instead it's the first signs of the end of the deployment. Hey-- I'll take what I can get.

Telephone

2010-03-09T22:17:00.002-07:00

He called or rather imed me while I was driving. I hurriedly pulled over to the nearing parking lot and told him to call me. Apparently it's been busy in Iraq. I said,"Really?" He said,"Um yeah honey, watch CNN. It's all over the news..." I told him matter of factly,"I don't watch the news." I don't like to watch the news for a number of personal first hand experiences on how the news can be spun. Plus if anything important happens to my husband, I will hear about it from the Army loonnnngggg before the news. Why get worried and work up about something that probably didn't even happen in my husbands sector.

I watched the news a little bit, last deployment. When Adam told me how off it was it was a huge relief to stop watching the news. I'll read the news myself at news.google.com sometimes. Mostly I hear about things word of mouth. That's just the way I am.

So I feel a little better at having heard from him; it definitely lightened my day. I had a long day in the car driving from Fort Collins to Lander, WY and back. 10 hours in the car. Tomorrow we are headed for Arizona via Albuquerque. Going to be a long trip. I am tired just thinking about it.

I drove my husband's car today and that was pretty lonely. It seems like every little memory lately makes me burst out in tears. It's strange. I have counted the months off on my hands over and over trying to convince myself that I am past the half way point, but I am pretty sure no matter how I spin it, I am about half way through. I keep telling myself the last couple of months will go faster...... that I am over the hump... I am just going to keep telling myself that. It's easier that way.

Ha ha, my biggest dog Mac is running and yipping in his sleep. It's very funny to watch. Anyways. NIGHT

Death by Missing Someone

2010-03-08T20:48:00.001-07:00

Do you think it's possible? I am beginning to think so, it certainly feels that way. I need a hug from Adam in the worst way. As I drive down the road it's like there is this little mantra in the back of my mind that is saying,"I need a hug. I need a hug. I need a hug..." It's very strange and distracting.

It has been a WEEK! Now I have gone longer then that without hearing from him before and I am sure other wives have also, but some how this week without a word is almost unbearable. What is kind of amusing is even when we do talk we don't really talk about much. I try and tell him what is going on here and he tries to understand and be helpful. Really though, we just say a lot of nonsense stuff and I love yous. Some how not being able to talk about even the nonsensical things is making me crazy. Sigh oh well.

I watch a lot more tv when Adam is gone. Not a little more A LOT MORE. It's like I binge on TV. In some ways I LOOOVVEEEE TV. I will watch it all weekend straight, and recently most of the weekdays as well; I am glued to it. I think it makes me forget about about everything and leave it all behind. It definitely has a drug like effect on me. Who needs alcohol -- I have television. Few calories, even few hungover feelings. For some reason I am really really tired. I had sort of a stressful day and tomorrow I will have another stressful day so I think I am going to catch some sleep (yeah my 9'o clock bedtime has rolled around and I am exhausted....how embarrassing)
GOOD NIGHT everyone and please Adam, find some internet soon. I am going crazy over here.....

Generation Me -- Recent Read

2010-03-07T17:44:00.004-07:00

Excellent book. Makes me wonder if I have been brain washed all my life to think I am special and that I can do anything. On the flip side I wonder if the author is overly negative. The book is about how "Generation Me" i.e. people born in the 70s, 80s, and 90s, are entitled and think they are capable of anything. I am entitled and I think I am capable of anything. See?? Seee??

The author goes on to show that we are struggling to survive with two incomes most people can't afford to have children. It used to be families afforded their lifestyle on one white collar or blue collar income. Nowadays you can't afford anything without two incomes. She also talks about how we spend more time alone then any other generation. She talks about why we as a generation are so blase about politics and social movement. We were taught to be different and stand out and we don't join social groups. Anyways, while I don't always agree with her conclusions (especially that we as a whole need a reality check to bring our expectations in line with realities), I do agree sometimes we set ourselves up for failure. I highly recommend the book it was excellent.

I am working on my own self esteem to make sure I sound like I sound sure of myself. No more well I thinks, buts, I believes, just shoot from the hip. Talk slow, don't laugh too loud, take deep breaths. Actually know what you are saying. Ha very funny. I know what I am saying is good. I am just young. Oh well. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

No word from the meeper. :( Very Sad. He'd know what to say. He always does. That's why I love him. Sending my heartfelt thoughts out to other deployed couples. Hope you are getting through it okay too.

Sleep is goooooodddddd........

2010-03-06T21:32:00.002-07:00

I go to bed really early now. I get up really early now too. This morning I accidentally got up at 5:30 (?) and let the dogs out and while I was up and watching the dogs out the window I thought,"I should feed the horses, I feel pretty awake." So I put on some more clothes and head outside, feed our ponies and give them their quick rubs. I come back in grab soem dog food and shuck the outdoor- hay filled clothes and jump back under the covers. Then I look at my phone, it's 6:38. I think "f**K! What am I doing up this early?!?!?" I thought it was a lot later. Sigh.

Sleep is the only time when I see Adam with out worrying. In my dreams I think he is actually there with me. I don't know he is halfway around the world. I wake up and I don't really remember what I was dreaming, but I wish I was still asleep. Sometimes I think I would sleep until he comes home if I could.

One thing that is really funny is when the dogs start acting tired, I tell them,"Bed!" and they jump up from their sleepy places and run into the bedroom and go lay on our bed. It's pretty humorous.

Well I am going to bed, pleasant dreams....

Acceptance

2010-03-05T18:11:00.003-07:00

I received Adam's acceptance letter to CSU today. I was so happy I danced around the room. Then I got in my car and started into town and couldn't stop crying. He is supposed to be here. Dancing around the room, celebrating, telling me how great he is going to be. He is going to be great, I am so proud of him.

I haven't written in a while: various reasons. When people start reading the blog you feel obligated to write for them. Then I realized lots of people were reading it and I felt a little self conscious. Lastly, this deployment has been very similar to last deployment. Lots of waiting. People telling me they appreciate our "sacrafice" and to tell Adam thank you and all I want to do is scream at them they are not welcome, but instead I say politely I will pass the message along.

Sigh. It's been a long deployment. I am really ready for R and R and it can't come fast enough. Well regardless, ADAM CONGRATS! I love you.

Change, but not that much change.......

2009-11-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

People change as they get older, they grow apart, they grow together. I have always believed that if you are not actively attempting to grow towards each other you are growing away from each other. Sometimes you look at couple 30 years down the road and you realized they have grown apart and they have compromised for a long time, but the apart-ness is too big of a void.

I always try to make sure that Adam and I are doing things that are together, I play more video games now because he likes video games, and when he is home we go to the movies more. I love these things, and because he loves them to I have let that part of me be cultivated.

Living in Fort Collins now with my horses and my dogs shows me several things though. I have changed, but not that much. I still love to ride and I love to cook and I am pretty much the same person I was in high school. Caring about most of the same stuff. I mean now I want a job and more adult things, but I still find much of the same stuff I did in high school enjoyable.

When people I haven't seen for a while ask me what or how I am doing, I always say I am pretty much into the same stuff. I always think its funny when people expect other people to change. They will change, but not that much.

I am really enjoying my horses and the warm dry air here. I have a couple more pieces to fit in the puzzle and then things will be as perfect as they can get with Adam being away.

HAPPY HAPPY!

2009-10-31T14:44:00.002-06:00

I need someone to come eat stuff! I made Banana Muffins and breakfast (eggs and bacon), I prepped chicken wings and I am going to make Halloween Cookies too. I have some stuff for pizza dough as well.

The muffins turned out well, I was hoping the aroma would awake the roomies. NSL. SO I made some bacon. They all slept another 2 hours. lol, SO anyways I am enjoying the huge kitchen in this house.

So the wing recipe I am using, is here, I haven't tried it yet, but I am baking instead of frying for the obvious reasons.

Last week I made a chocolate cake and used peanut butter frosting and I had some left over peanut butter frosting . I thought it would be fun to do homemade oreos with the frosting, AND THEN I found cookie cutters from my room mate in Halloween style. Should be fun.

Maybe I will take pictures and post them!

So I have some stuff to eat, who wants to come over? I need to find some children to borrow.

The Search...

2009-10-23T20:10:00.003-06:00

SUCKS! I hate looking for a job. I applied to a bunch of minimum wage places today because its a job. As much as it pains me to apply for these sort of jobs, I am going to go crazy if I stay in the house any longer. I would really like the extra income as well so we can start saving some money.

I applied to a bunch of research positions, and a kennel position. Then local movie theaters.... and Starbucks. I think if a position at whole foods comes open, and maybe Kinkos, maybe best buys geek squad. I don't know I have an appointment to meet with the head of equine reproduction to talk about the masters program. I am nervous, but my roommate says he is very approachable and nice.

I want either a job that is fun, pays well, or gives me good experience for a masters. I know that sounds sort of arbitrary, but I think I am done just "getting by." I can't and won't live my whole life that way and anyone who says anything other wise is just full of bullshit and unhappy. I don't want to end up that way.

I know if I have faith the right thing will come along, but some days that seems a little difficult. My horses will be here soon and I am sure that will make everything better.

Settled In

2009-10-20T22:36:00.003-06:00

I like Fort Collins a lot. I would almost go as far as to say.... I might just love it. Maybe. My new house is great, my roommates are nice, kitchen is huge, there is space for my horses and all my stuff.I am really comfortable there. There is a Whole Foods next to a King Soupers and where I live you can see the stars really clearly. The person who owns the house lent me a comfortable futon until my stuff gets there, which was sweet. There is horse stuff everywhere, I practically salivate when I see indoor arenas. It's gotta be some sort of disease.

On the note of the grocery stores, I do miss the commissary. I can't believe how expensive groceries are when you are shopping at whole foods. Everything just looks really good there. Sigh. So now the job hunt. I have been looking. I don't want to get a fill in job unless I have to. I have done fill in jobs and now I want something that either gives me experience or makes a lot of money or is really fun. If it doesn't fit those criteria... well I don't know. It jsut seems liek jobs you "settle" for don't make sense in the long run. You are unhappy you don't work you hate it. It's not worth it. You gotta do something you can live with day in and day out.

Today was very funny I had to pee really bad while I was driving between Fort Collins and Colorado Springs and there are no restrooms between the two places so I pulled off and there was a Four Points Sheraton. So I peed there. Most people pee at a gas station or a McDonalds. Last time I was in San Fransisco there was no place to go downtown so I went at the downtown 4 Seasons. We just walked in like we were staying there. It worked. Pretty funny huh?

Well I am in C. Springs for some wrap up of projects and then I will be headed back up to Fort Collins. I am tempted to drive home this weekend and get some meat out of my Dads freezer, but I am tryign to wait until my sister's birthday so can pick up my horse too. Well really Adam's horse. I think he might be there in 2 weekends. I am sooo excited. I gotta get back in riding shape. Things are definitely looking up!

PS Thanks to Mina for the Beautiful Flowers

So Far Away

2009-10-14T17:27:00.002-06:00

My husband asked me today why I didn't post on my blogga more. The reason: we have been arguing and I haven't felt like "airing my dirty laundry." I can't tell if it is a big deal or not, this deployment has been strangely harder then I thought it would be, and probably my greatest fear has been realized, Adam has seemed sort of like a different person. We both love each other still the same, but it seems like love, obligation and a joint checking account are all that holds us together these days. I know when he comes home and we see each other again that it will all be better because it always is and that is part of being married to an army man. Some days it seems like quite a strain to find something to talk about that will not set us off and we both tiptoe around whatever subject is difficult and it feels like the doubt and dread is palpable. Neither us of wants to say that thing that is going to drive the other crazy and neither of us is having "Happy Sunshine-y Days." Adam has gone on way more missions then he has heard reports of from other platoons (he has gone many more missions then he has heard the "average" in a short period of time), and I have had various successes with job hunting and I am still living in a very temporary position without most of our stuff. I was really sick two weekends ago, and then last weekend it was 18 degrees here for two days, icey on the roads and the outlet valves for black and grey water on the outside of the tanks froze shut. No potty or shower for two days until it thawed. I have fixed everything so that won't happen again, but it caught me off guard and was not fun. I have to say I am not our family's best handyman.

My experiments have been going well, but my job is so transitory its hard to make myself stick to any schedule and all three dogs have managed to get sick and at various times need antibiotics. Couple that with Adam needing some errands and me needing to deal with our auto insurance and to retrieve our pod back, getting out of bed in the morning and facing the day requires large amounts of effort. The funny thing it is not like I am totally alone all day or that I don't have pretty good friends here that helped me out when all the tough stuff happens, it seems the tough happens day in and day out and I am hoping this fog will lift soon. I went to the post office yesterday and I almost lost it at this ridiculous woman complaining and being very loudly rude about the dysfunction of the post office and how health care was headed the same way and I would have loved to shout at her or slap her, but I very kindly restrained myself. Then the freaking post office clerk was upset because I didn't declare exactly how many packets of ramen (which changed the value of the box by $3.00) I was sending and told me that my box could be confiscated if I failed to correctly declare the value of the package. If customs is confiscating soup and ramen, they really have nothing good to do. I looked at her and I said, "It would be just like if it was stolen, wouldn't it?" and she shut the fuck up. Thankfully. So I let Mac poop on the post office's lawn on the way in b/c he really had to go, and I was going to clean it up on the way out when I wasn't carrying everything and trying to get Adam's papers for promotion out, but I was so frustrated on the way out that I forgot. I kinda feel like it serves them right.

It's quarter to 6 and I haven't really eaten anything worth mention and because I am sticking to my diet again (with pretty good results, I have lost almost 20 lbs -- thank GOD) I am pretty limited on what I am allowed to eat and I haven't felt like cooking at all. I did make chicken soup last night but I have already eaten it 3 times. So I feel weak from not eating, but it is so much work to find the right food and cook them that I would almost rather be weak, and I am pretty sure this is how I got sick two weekends ago from not eating enough. Of course this makes me irritable, and makes me want to escape and spend money (that we really don't have) on tv shows games and movies. So I am trying to not do that either.

I know that Adam and I will work it out we always do. I feel a little sick in my stomach knowing there is this huge rift between us and no matter how we try to make it better it just seems to get bigger. We have a long time until even midtour leave. I am trying to busy myself with things I know make me feel better, but I feel like am leaving him behind more then ever when I do that. It is a tricky situation. Intellectually, in 20 years this stuff won't seem like a big deal, but right now it's consuming my life and I hate it. It's time for him to come home, no more stop loss, no more deployment. So please someone who can do something real about it, hear and bring him home safely as soon as possible. Before we both go crazy.

Hate is a strong word.....

2009-10-09T18:15:00.002-06:00

...but I very much dislike the weekend. Everyone goes away back into their home and families and friends. The problem with being on the go all the time is you don't have friend you hang out with regularly and you friends do have friends they hang out with regularly. You are not on that list. It's so funny to me when people wish me a good weekend. I just dread it. Oh well

So anyways, last weekend I was really sick and that was no fun at all. This weekend I need to do laundry and maybe I will take some stuff up to Fort Collins. There has just been a torrent of not so great, not bad news just not so great news. My experiment isn't going well, my horse in training that I thought was going to be great isn't doing so well (but Adam's horse is doing really well so that makes me feel good), and Adam has a lot more work then I hoped, and keeps needing me to send things. I am having trouble with the PODS thing. It's starting to get cold and I have to go back to the lab tonight. You know that feeling when making and eating dinner seems like too much work? I am there. Normally, I got buy something, but we are trying to save money so I am not going to. Things have just seemed a little in a funk like the whole world is not quite right.

I hope you all are doing better and I have to remember what goes down will come up again, so I am not too worried. If I have one true talent it is weathering the sad times, I am champion at that. If they gave out medals for it, I would get one for sure.

Anti-Loneliness Precedure

2009-10-02T00:28:00.000-06:00

I am flat out dragging my rear exhausted. I can barely move my finger. Why you might ask do I write anyways (despite the fact that my blog was "spam blocked")? To prove my point. Adam is gone, do I sit at home and mope (or just grumble because I am locked away from posting?), NO of course NOT I get really busy. As the Craig Morgan country song goes: "Work, work, work, all day long, Crank it up, back it up, bring it on home," then my day goes feed the dogs and rush off to the next thing. I climb through the door on my little airstream and walk the 10 feet to my bed, climb in and shed my clothes, and then I lay there. I contemplate what is the latest I can get up tomorrow and still get everything done?

I keep thinking I am going to have some quiet moments to read up on some notes or fill out my lab notebook or get ahead on my procedure. Nope. No quiet minutes. I spend more time on the dogs food stuff for my sick - o puppies dogs than anything else. Then Adam will get on late and want to talk and it's all I can do to stay awake. I am too worm out ot be lonely. It's a good kinda worn out though. Rinse, Lather, Repeat. :)

This Economy

2009-09-25T18:10:00.003-06:00

So I have been reading the Army Times lately and one thing that caught my eye was that combat veterans from the "War on Terrorism" have a super high unemployment rate: 21%. I am glad to say that Adam is applying to college after this. I mean I understand there isn't much call in the civilian world for the skills they possess, but still that means a 1/5th of combat veterans don't have jobs.

So I have been out of work lately myself and I am sure many can empathize that two people (and their dogs and their horses) living on a single income leaves a lot to be desired. So I have been trying to find a job for a variety of reason one of which is that it wouldn't hurt to have some extra cash around. I got a temporary research jobs at the college where I graduated from studying starving bacteria (otherwise known as GASPing only for my experiment we are using V. fischeri rather then E. coli) and I am enjoying it, but possibilities abound after Oct 15th-20th or so when the project should wrap up. I am going tomorrow to Fort Collins (which is not a base) to look at some rooms for rent in houses.

Place A
The first is a small house(3 bedroom / 1500 sq ft), and I would be able to rent a room for around $350, and she has a dirt arena and barn. She has agility and herding dogs and we seem to have a lot in common. There is also another "roommate" who is a horse trainer but he may not stay if I move in, if I take he spot he might have a better place to stay and would take the opportunity to break his lease. She is looking for a year lease and I have not talked to her about the necessity for a military clause yet and I don't know how she will take it.

Place B
The other place has a room for $450 and around pen and a barn and two other roommates (both women) and and pastures for the horses and a storage shed behind the house and a fenced in yard for the dogs. She also mentioned there were quite a few good close places to go riding, including trails right off the property. The women who owns this house is moving to Colorado Springs (to be with an Air Force Guy) funnily enough and internet and cable is included I believe (the other place has internet no tv). Also she mentioned that if I wanted to get my stuff out of storage she would move her living room furniture to Colorado Springs and I could move in my furniture. This will only be possible if there is quite a bit of room for furniture, but on the other side I could my very comfy queen bed back. Anything that doesn't fit will either have to be stored or gotten rid of, not to mention I will have to move it all/ figure it all out by myself. I explained to her that I am army and will break the lease if Adam comes home early, she said that was not a problem. So that was nice.

So back to the job thing I was thinking about applying for grad school. Studying for the GRE's has been brutal. I am normally pretty darn good at standardized testing, but this has not been easy at all. I have already studied over 3-4 hours and I know I am not even hitting the tip of the iceberg. I need to practice all three subjects and learn a ton of vocab and practice writing essays. I see now why people can take a year to study for this exam. I made an appointment with the career center here to get some help applying to grad school. I obviously want to go to CSU since that is where Adam will go if he gets in, which I think he has a good chance. Thought to be fair in times like these more people then ever apply to college and grad school so getting in to either school is not going to be a walk in the park.

To more fun things, I found a place to do agility tomorrow and I am scheduled for 9:15am so I am very excited. Then I have to run by the lab and check on the experiment (do a quick dilution series) then off to Fort Collins, to be back to feed a friend's fish, cats, and dogs. I am doing some house sitting in exchange for being able to use internet, cable and washing machine. :D

That's all for now, so if anyone knows anyone in the Fort Collins area that is looking to hire a biology (think research/lab) or computer science major(think programming / customer service), they say networking is the best way to get a job. Brrrrr I should get something to eat.... MMMMMMmmmm

Denial- not just a river in Egypt

2009-09-23T15:20:00.003-06:00

So you're right ;) I haven't written in a month. I have to remember why I do this, do I do it for me or do I do it for you (dear reader lol)? A little of both, I am not going to make excuses sometimes a blog is like a commitment and I am not sure it is one I would be willing to uphold for the entire duration of the deployment.

Regardless, my excuse is that I am in denial that he left, I don't really want to believe it, but as I got all of his clean laundry back from the laundromat and I begrudgingly acknowledged that I will put his clothes away in a suitcase so I can have some more room in our tiny travel trailer and inevitably I don't want to do it, but I know I will. I am back down to the week count and in another day he will have 50 weeks left, and its better then 52 weeks and that's all I look forward to.

I am not going to lie, this deployment is easier. I know what to expect and I have faith he will come home safe and we are married so I have a lot more rights and responsibilities. I have recently stopped promising myself out to people because I realized that I was just being used as the doormat no matter how I felt about it. I am 24 years old and for once I feel like I can be "the responsible adult" without being obligated to be. I used to always feel the other way around. It comes more naturally now and its less hard (I say that as I know I have a sink full of dirty dishes). I have never really lived what I perceive as the quiet life, going home early going to bed early, reading, a lot self motivated studying, cooking, spending time with my dogs.

I am truly free to do whatever I want now. I mean I have to look after our stuff and our dogs, but beyond that I am free to roam as long as I don't spend any money lol. People just don't understand my lifestyle, they like to be anchored to something they feel like they can depend on, but really for me right now with Adam gone the only thing I can depend on is me. It used to feel desperate and lonely and it doesn't feel that way anymore. It feels quiet and peaceful, thought I have to say, it did NOT feel that way last night at 3 am when there was something from the broken awning flapping against the trailer int the howling wind scaring the dogs and keeping us all awake. I thought to myself where the heck is and why isn't he here to fix it. I dealt with it this morning. Ugh.

Anyways right after Adam left everyone (including Adam himself)called me and asked me if I was "okay." I was like sure I am "okay," how would I display not "okay"-ness? And honestly what would you do if I wasn't "okay"? My Dad gave me a big hand by staying with me after Adam left (in my little trailer!!) and helping me drive and helping me pay for somethings. it was really nice. I am here on my own blowing wherever job and housing take me. I am not so sure I want to spend Dec/ Jan in Colorado in my trailer. I know it can be done,but I am not feeling that brave and I need to get our stuff out of storage so I get all of our winter clothes out or I am going to freezer by buttocks off.

My big plan means I am just going to go with whatever works and seems to fit. I am aware that most people don't run their lives that way, but that's where I am going.

Has it really been a month?

2009-08-20T16:43:00.003-06:00

Guilty as charged..... and on top of everything else I keep thinking of good topics to write about-- they just don't make it to the computer.

How about the fun news? Adam and I are living in an airstream rather that a house. Before I viewed it as a travesty-- now all I see it adventure. I started volunteering for the red cross and that has been pretty cool.

I guess now I am in the count down until he goes to Iraq and I have to figure out what in the world I could possibly do for a job. Adam has told me I can look anywhere in the west. I have looked in Flagstaff and Phoenix, but right now I am looking pretty seriously at Fort Collins. I just have a really hard time applying for jobs. I wish it was a little easier, I tend to sell myself short when it comes to applying for things and wrack my brain for good things to says and how to write my cover letter to its best advantage. Half the time I don't even know where to look for the job. It's so disheartening. I keep find jobs that I could do, but I just don't find very interesting and maybe I am just jaded by being able to what I want when I want. I just look at so many processes and wonder if they could be less complex. I don't know, I don't even know where to go next! I know it's crazy. When we were in Fort Collins it just felt like home. It was so calming and comforting. It just seemed like the"right" place to be. Now if I can find a job.... gulp.

Can't Sleep....

2009-07-18T01:35:00.004-06:00

And apparently that last post I posted was my 200th! Wow. Weird. Moving on. Adam would be pissed if he knew I was up, but I just can't sleep. It's been nastily hot here and that makes it hard to eat in the evening and sleep. As far as I can tell the weather in Washington only has about 60 redeeming days throughout the whole year (my apologies to the folks here who love the weather).

So I have a great solution to the "I don't wanna pack blues" -- turn on the tv to a marathon of the show Clean House and if that doesn't make you rethink all the clutter in your life I don't really know what will. With our living situation and the unknowing of exactly when Adam is going to deploy makes me anxious. I keep looking at all these sciencey jobs that I am actually qualified for and I all I can think about is how they will take me further from my horses. The world works in mysterious ways and thankfully (and I am very grateful) thinks have always just sort of worked out for me and Adam.

Maybe my hesitancy and tendency to fear the worse by taking an indoor 9 -5 job is unfounded because it will lead to me actually being able to afford to keep a horse. I terrified of losing my riding skills by being terribly overweight (which I currently am) and by allowing my focus to drift else where. I have seen at least 3 (count them -- THREE) entry level technician jobs in Arizona, one even working under a guy who would probably be the ideal candidate to approach for a masters should I so desire. I haven't turned in any of the applications yet because I am afraid of who that would make me. Nonetheless, I am qualified in a way many people would love to be and to not go when I would probably really enjoy the job and my family could really use the money seems childish.

I know Adam doesn't care as long as I am truly happy and he keeps telling me to go for what I think is important and I keep milling around in my brain what can I do next. I mean really though will I be truly happy if we are always struggling financially? It doesn't help that my living situation and / or obligations to my little sister may or may not become very complicated. The only thing to do now is put one foot infront of the other and see what makes sense and apply for those jobs. I guess part of me worries I am not qualified, that the competition is too fierce, that I won't make the cut, so I don't even want to try-- I know that is a mistake.

One of the things that I really love about the army is the way it seems so steady. I mean I know that it is a romanticized version, but you can expect the reveille to be played in the morning for PT and that Adam will most days get lunch between 11:30 and 13:00 and base is crowded then. I love how every wears their name and their rank on their outfit so I know at a glance "who" the army says they are. I like how most people drive slower on base and stop for pedestrians. I mean don't get me wrong I think a lot of things are dumb too, but coming from a family heritage where we were never part of a community, I just can't get over and I feel extraordinarily privileged and safe on base, like I am part of the secret club. I get to shop at the special grocery store and I don't need a reason to be nice to people. Funny, huh? I guess it is just the way I was raised. Adam gives me a hard time,"If you like it so much why don't you join?" I have thought about it, but I don't think I could do it. You have to be a certain person when you join, and Adam doesn't mind being different and getting in trouble for it when he is wrong and and getting recognized for it when he is right, but I couldn't be "myself" and be a soldier I don't think. I don't know though. I would be in a different army that's for sure, I would probably be a POG and a sir, I am not sure if Adam would come to resent me.

Next Deployment......

2009-07-13T17:18:00.002-06:00

Let's get to the point. I have begun to pack up our shit. We have a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff went to good will today. I have tried to impress upon Adam that we don't have a ton of time to get all of this stuff done so for our first 4 day together we played Fallout 3... for four days straight, stopping long enough to pack one box of books and do some laundry. I justified this in my mind by thinking,"Weellll he hasn't played in over a month....." I had no self justification. Sigh.

So today I got after it a little more, I did some more laundry, ate some healthier stuff and cleaned and threw out some old papers. Lo and behold I found the first month's letters from the first deployment. I sat down and read them and I was amazed by them. They basically deal with the time in my life that I was graduating from college and all the great stuff I thought was going to happen and the cool person I was going to be. They were very sweet. I would say, like most relationships that the brand- new-ness intensity has worn off. This deployment I will be more seasoned and Adam keeps assuring me it will be much safer.... and it will probably be a little safer. Adam ended up being shuffled around and he will be going to a slightly different place with a different job and perhaps it will be safer. Regardless I am not sure how much frantic letter writing will be going on. Last time I sent him a lot of care packages and this time I am not sure I will have the money to spend quite as much as I did last time. Besides I am going to have to come up with something more meaningful to send to him-- something more useful and exciting. If I figure out what that could possibly be I will let you know, but I am not holding my breath.

Looking at my options now and what I could have done and what I did do in this time that he has been deployed and then home, I feel like if I had done x then now I would have option y to do or use or whatever, but there is no way to have know what I know EXCEPT for to do the things I have done. It is quite hilarious, I am waiting for my BIG moment when I am going to do the super cool thing I am going to do or be or that is going to "define my life," but I am pretty sure that it is in progress to and that to get there I am just going to keep doing what I am doing -- a lot of things that are not a big deal and are non life defining. I am taking what I learned, moving forward, enjoying the time I have.

Being married means a lot of sacrifices, but I am really enjoying it. My husband is is great and thoughtful (although at times picky and childish), and I am glad we are forging ahead together. I am definitely not AS scared for this deployment and I think that is for several reasons.
1) I have done this before, fear of the unknown-- greatly lessened. 2) I have a better understanding of Army stuff in general and I am getting more comfortable around Army stuff (base included). 3) I am older and more sure of myself (wiser). There really is somethign about having seen more stuff and had more time on this planet that makes you feel more secure. Strange that. Anyways.

Off to make some elk burgers and to do soem other non-life defining earth moving moments. :)

Been Wanting To Talk

2009-07-08T10:52:00.002-06:00

So it turns out my Mom is having an affair. Normally this is the kind of thing you keep secret-- you definitely don't air on your blog, but she told me it was perfectly "normal" and that her and husband had "agreed" it was a good idea. I am trying to pretend to accept an agreement by three consenting adults and failing. It's not just because I don't believe that those sort of relationships can (I personally don't but if it does for you.....fine) it's because I do not believe there was consent and I believe it is a childish act by all parties that will only result in misfortune.

I keep thinking that one day my Mother will grow up and not be selfish and I keep looking for the signs and they are not coming. I would like to get out of this trap. I would like to move on and look beyond my parents and see what things I am.

I have turned into a person that I never thought I would become. Yesterday I drove Adam around base all day. I came home and feel asleep at 6 pm. I don't know if I depressed or worn out and I have no idea where to go from here. It's like I am walking around in Never Never Land looking for some Ruby slippers.

On the bright side Adam and I are spending LOTS of time together and I am so happy to be spending every possible second that we have together. I mean we are having some tight finances, but who isn't right now, that's just the economy I think, and honestly if that is all the problems we have we are certainly blessed. I can't even believe how relaxing it is to have him home.

I have been thinking a lot about what to do next, I was laughing because I was talking to a friend in a similar situation and I said I was still trying to figure out "what to do after college" and he put his drink and said let's toast to that. It's so true right now. We all want more for less. I have been doing a TON of really interesting reading including, The Outliers which is basically about the circumstances how really great people had the opportunities to be great. I read Gang Leader for A Day which was about a guy who investigated the projects (Robert Taylor Homes) of Chicago for 6 years as a socioloigst. I am in the process of reading Hot, Flat, and Crowded by Thomas Freidman and he brought up the most disturbing point about Americans are funding both sides of the war on terrorism as we buy gas from the Saudis and the Saudis fund all sorts of fundamental religious groups and then we fight the war with tax payer dollars. It does seem like a bad circle. It makes me want to do something drastic about the way we consume oil in the US.

Anyways sitting around like I have been makes my brain overflow with ideas and they are overflowing onto my blog. I think I might start another blog just to pull together some ideas from each of these books. I feel like a conspiracy theorist when I write that there has to be some way to pull all of this information and ideas together to make sense and be meaningful. I mean honestly who cares about this if we are just reading about it and sitting on our asses? We keep gathering all this data and what does it mean? It's just more useless words if it doesn't do something for us, other then being interesting.

Anyways more on this later, I am working on finding the meaning of my life. :)

Temptation

2009-06-11T07:17:00.002-06:00

"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil....."

So I am in Vermont visiting my family and I spent a couple years here in high school so I am catching up with old friends and it is great to see them. I have friend that I was pretty close with when I lived here and her husband is a truck driver so he is a way a lot. We have another mutual friend that she hangs out with A LOT. He is funny and good looking, maybe gay -- maybe not we don't ask -- he dates girls occasionally, but is very talented and artistic, where as her husband is the strong, silent type. Very loyal, but not very charismatic.

Anyways a couple days ago her husband when out of town and both him and I were invited over to her house. They were very friendly and I had hung out with them earlier in the week as well, and they are always together, eating lunch and spending time at each other's house. Sometimes he will stay in her spare bedroom, because he lives a half an hour away and if he gets drunk he just stays over. They are huggy, but it doesn't seem like they are having an affair per se. People here in this community are very close to each other and have known each other since they were 4 and they are closer to each other than I am to alot of my friends. Their parents know each other and their grandparents know each other etc etc.

I don't know about you guys, but when Adam is away I am very careful how friendly I am with other men. I would not ever want to give anyone a reason to even suspect me of being unfaithful, and I honestly do not want to put my self in any sort of situation where one thing could lead to another. When I hang out with them I don't drink and I go home early. I feel like they think I am being sort of prudish, but I jsut can't risk anythign out of the ordinary. I get lonely really easily and I am not willing to take a risk for anyone to take advantage of that.

Do you guys think I am being silly? Does any one else feel this way when their husbanmd is gone? You think I am being too judgemental? Can they really be just friends?

Freedom?

2009-05-30T09:54:00.003-06:00

So the other day I was really depressed because I didn't want to start traveling and so I called my Dad. My Dad is trying to refrain from giving me advice for a month. It's hard for me because I ALWAYS ask EVERYONE what they think and what they think I should do. Now I have to make decisions on my own. What he did tell me was that I had to do what my heart told me and I knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't really packed or ready and I really wanted to stay with Adam for another week. So I told my Mom I had car troubles and away we went. So now I am cleaning the house and doing some cooking and spending some time with Adam and it feels really good that stayed just a little longer. I am such a procrastinater.

Anyways- just thought I would do my next set of wishes in the form of newspaper classifies.

Looking 4 fun BBQ friend to share summer nights. Must enjoy game meats, like to try experimental cooking and have an appetite, occasional alcohol guzzling optional. Prefer people who don't mind trashy houses and shelties.

Looking 4 like minded dogwalking buddies. Preferably someone who likes long walk in pretty places with well mannered dogs. Someone who doesn't mind gab sessions and will help me avoid high calorie cute coffee shops a plus.

I am doing all this cooking because I love summer and I love there being lots foods to eat, but Adam isn't much of an eater. I have been reading in Real Simple and other placed about people trading services. I wish I could trade some one for dinners.

When I shared a house with 4 other girls in college 3 of us would trade off dinners. That was pretty fun. We all got to eat all kinds of good food, but only had to make dinner once a week. It was really fun. Like a dinner club.

Well, I am hoping the commissary is open by now because we need somethings. Maybe I will take the dogs to the dog park while I am out. See you around.

Hiding Out

2009-05-27T09:35:00.001-06:00

I have been hiding out. I do this occasionally when I feel guilty or overwhelmed, I jsut stick my head in the sand like and ostrich and hope the world will go away. Let me tell you its about as effective as an ostrich methods too. I decided to quit my yarn job and I feel like I am letting a lot of people down. It's not making money and although working hard, I am finding myself in quite a bit of debt. Not Fun. On top of that I am not having fun. I am realizing it was not my dream to do it, it was someone else in my families who really pushed me to do it and now and I feel pretty let down, both by myself and by some people in my family. I know it never works out to do business with family and I did it anyways.

This amazing great cool fantastic thing about the whole deal is: I am free for a whole year. I think I Adam and I are going to pack up all our stuff and give it away or put it in storage and we are going to update my Dad's airstream trailer and I am going to live in that until I find a place I want to settle in for a time. Maybe I will stay for the whole year. It is usually around $400 a month to park the airstream at a place so I will be saving on rent for sure and I will always have a place for the dogs, I won't have to worry about finding a place for them to stay. I am hoping I will learn a lot about what I do and do not need in my life to be happy. It's only a 34 ft trailer (which is big for an airstream), but all my stuff isnot going to fit in there that is for sure. Adam and I started talking about what we could store and what we could get rid. It amazed me how much stuff when have in our house. I mean really what can I live without?

So I have a lot of loose ends to clean up and people to pay and pacify and explain, and I am not looking forward to any of it. I have to get on the road today to drive to Arizona and meet my Mother to start coming clean with all the stuff I owe.Adam says to grit my teeth and get it done and then I will feel better about it and he is right, but those first couple of steps are going to be yucky.

Anyways, you will probably be hearing more from me because when I am away from Adam I tend to blog more. (He has some army readiness test for a month).

It starts again....

2009-05-04T10:53:00.002-06:00

And I can already feel this deployment starting to creep under my skin. We got the packing list. We started rounding up all his sh*t. I am ready to put my head in the sand and wait for it to all be over.

Two weekends ago Adam's car was hit by another driver straight on the wheel. No body damage, all the force went straight into the wheel and the guide bars/ axle/ suspension. Everyone has been dragging their feet (other car- insurance- us) about getting fixed, us because we are so busy and because, Adam didn't think there was much damage and didn't call the police at the time and we had to file a belated police report. UGH. So we are down to one car. Drive Adam to work. Bring Adam lunch. Drive Adam home. I am not stressed out. Run my business. I just don't feel like working, I don't think that is army related, I think that is just every day laziness. :)

After I drove Adam to work this morning I went and worked out at the gym. My guilt reservoir is just growing in leaps and bounds. I just have to face the reality I can't live my life and Adam's too. It just makes me so angry that I don't have time to ride and I don't have a place to do everything that I want to do. I mean I thought we were all in pursuit of happiness, but it blows my mind the convoluted hoops we have to jump through to buy a house, and by the way, my income 'doesn't count' because my business is a year old. Forget buying a house with any land.
Somehow my expensive liberal arts degree isn't some magical ticket to wealth and freedom like I imagined. Ha, how funny. The problem is I can't seem to find the 100% will to do the whole kit and caboodle. I have been doing yarn all my life and I have a hard time going back to ground zero. Learning curves suck.

Anyways rant aside, I spoke to a good friend recently who was working hard to get into med school, despite being a horrible test taker, and she, being and awesoem photographer, wanted to go on an around the world trip to study midwivery in Jordan. She wrote grant proposal after grant proposal. For a year and a half. And got rejected time and time again. She got back from Jordan 3 days ago, she got accepted into John Hopkins and was offered a scholarship from Boston University. Despite being a little lonely, she is single and happy. Her life is falling into place. My life used to do that. I realized it is time to step and have some paitence and let the pieces fall where they may. Paitence is not my strong point.

I think I am looking to settle in. I am ready to have a place and more purpose. So now we have come full circle. That complaint that I always have: purpose. Nothing seems to give me purpose. I mean Adam, and my horses. I am sure someday my kids will as well. I just can't have it all? I can't have the super intellectual high powered job, the out of the way house where I do a ton of home cooking, the well renouned horse breeding ranch where I have all the top notch show ans work horses, and the stay at home freedom to what ever strikes my fancy. If any knows where I can find that I would be ever so greatful. I don't want to pick one. So limiting. Ever feel there is not enough time in life to squelch all your ambitions?

:)

Off!

2009-04-22T07:32:00.002-06:00

I am leaving for Atlanta for a trade show this week. I am exhausted. Usually I get more help getting ready for shows. This week Adam has barely made it home in time to eat sleep and do it all again the next morning. This frustrates me to no end. He tries, he really tries-- it's not his fault at all. He tries to come home and be helpful and help me pick up the house and make and eat dinner. Really though-- all both of us want to do is just chill out and rest. Take a load off and relax. Not happening in this house, busy busy busy. It is going to have to slow down before he deploys.

I am so tired and I have a to do list 8 miles long this morning before I catch my flight. I have no idea how I am going to get it all done, but best foot forward. I am not really looking forward to his training days getting longer and longer, which I am sure they will. I am going to leave him a huge list of stuff to do while I am gone and maybe he will have time to get to some of it, if not I am definitely not stressing about it. I just had to take a brief minute blog, update, and get myself clearheaded and on track again.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty overwhelmed by everything and so at lunch I took one of our dogs for a brisk 30 minute hilly walk / hike and that seemed to calm me down considerably.

I am very forcibly making Adam stick to a budget that we agreed on, but being the enforcer all the time is a little exhausting. I gave him an earful last night about eating healthy and he seemed pretty dejected and while I felt bad, it isn't stuff we haven't discussed before. I know he doesn't need to hear that when he comes home and is tired, but by the same token, when does he have "time"? Sometimes these things come up at just inopportune times, and when I am as stressed out as he is, I don't have time to sugarcoat everything... Unfortunately, the reality is our life is stressful right now and while I don't want to focus on that so much and stress Adam out I need him to be aware that we have stuff to do and it's not all flowers and butterflies. Tough.

Anyways- I have been kind of grouchy lately and I hope that it "magically clears up" very soon. I am bummed about spending time away from Adam, because I miss him TERRIBLY when we are apart, but at the same time I have a lot of fun at yarn show selling yarn and meeting people. I like to see the reactions on their faces when they see my product. The best is when Adam comes to the yarn shows, but he rarely can get off to do that.

Toodle-loo

Here we go again!

2009-04-16T09:24:00.002-06:00

How does the housework in your family? In ours, both and neither. I work pretty much full time and beyond and we all know Adam does as well. We do laundry when we have no clean clothes and do dishes when they pile up. I have been doing some massive cooking and some cleaning and Adam pitches in around the edge, but Go--am, our house is always a mess!

I hate hate hate it. Can't bring people over because that would involve cleaning the house. We try, and we do a big once through of the house, but we are limited about how much trash we are allowed to throw out each week. It is so expensive to get rid of trash here I can see why people let the trash build up around the house.

My other problem is, I never really fully move into a house, I know I am going to have to move again. Which is why I am being such a pain about wanting to buy my next house. Then I can take out the stupid shit the people before me left behind. The house we are in has too many wall and too many tiny closets that you can barely put anything in.

Adam and I are both the "go" people--we are always going going going. Add to the fun of we are always constantly looking for stuff. We use but don't always put it back. Yesterday I asked Adam if he could help with some housework and he looked at me and said,"Myna, I have to have downtime sometime." He is right, he just came off a 24 hour CQ shift and he has had a chance to relax since the weekend before when we ran errands all weekend. It's been a zoo.

It's just overwhelming really. Sigh, anyways I have to do some real work. Yesterday I worked until 7:3o at night and I came and Adam had fallen asleep playing pokemon with no dinner.

How do you guys manage this stuff?

Second

2009-04-15T00:55:00.002-06:00

When you are in the army life you are second. It is the way it is, the way it turns out at the end of the day. No matter what they say or promise or do. You are second, just like Non-Essential Equipment says in her intro. We are non essential.

Tonight we were sitting around the desk at CQ and the boys were talking about how the wives don't get it. On one level they are right, no matter how many books I read, shows I watch, questions I ask, I will never get it. Whatever it is. I get that "in the field" means they can't see you even if they are only 10 miles away. CQ means they can't be distracted and they can't leave the desk. I get it.

But then when is OUR time? When is our time not ruled by the army? When is the non arbitrary/stupidness time? Not now. Later maybe, but don't hold your breath. I am not angry, just observing. It is not about getting it, we don't get it because we don't to get it. No one wants to sit home alone at night, soldiers find ways to bend rules to keep wives happy, to keep peace on the homefront. In general, no we don't get it, because I for one, don't want to be reminded every second of every day, that I am the not main part of his life. I am the second part and for right now no matter how much either of us wish or don't to be true it is a reality. His army people spend more waking hours with him then I do as a general rule. Maybe some day this will be different for us.

Everytime I hear a civilian complain about their lives I jsut want to smack them across their face. You are choosing your lives. We are choosing as well, our choices are more limited and often have more serious consequences. When you marry into an army life youa re choosing the unfair life. The life where his job take precedence over your lives. So be ready. I get it. I don't want to get it, but I think I do for the most part.

So the "I do"

2009-04-10T08:53:00.007-06:00

So we rented this Beachhouse is Hoodsport, WA because it was recommended to us and CHEEAPP! When we got there we were pleasantly surprised to find it was gorgeous. All wood interior (well you will see the the pictures). Very campy and homey feel. We thought it was perfect all around. It is right on the water with a glassed in front. We ended up getting married on the equinox, March 21st, which I thought was really cool. Adam and I do balance each other out.

So we go for the pre wedding meeting, and Adam doesn't watch Wedding shows so he doesn't really understand how it generally goes. We decide to do appetizers instead of a still down meal, so I am trying to pick finger foods, and Adam wants Mac and Cheese. I say, "Adam you can't eat Mac and cheese with your hands at a Wedding." But the planner says she will try and work it in. So we are looking around and there is a fire place, and she says we can have a fire ( I ended up forgetting the skewers for smores). Adam says,"We should have the ceremony at High tide!" Both the officiant and I look at him and say,"What!?!?!" That could be at like 3 am...." So my little sister Cheyenne was there and I was saying the wedding should take place at 3 pm and Adam wanted it at 4 pm, he looked at me pleadingly and said,"Can we compromise and have it at 3:30?" So I looked at him and said,"Sure." Everyone Came -Even Scout! (picture Above)

Cheyenne was very confused, "What difference does it make 3:30 or 3?" and the planner and I looked at each other, and then looked at Adam and I said,"Now Adam has helped plan some part of the wedding by choosing the wedding time, we will at least let him have that." It was very funny. At another point we were talking about how to seat people at the wedding and I said,"Let's just push all the tables together and make one big table," and then Adam said,"Yeah think picnic, not wedding." It was very funny.
Here is the "picnic not wedding" (picture above)

Adam loves martinelli, which is that sparkling apple cider (for the kids for the toasts) and it was on sale at WalMart by the case. So we bought a case of it for the wedding and Adam proceeded to taste it a little bit everyday before the wedding. Fortunately we had bought a case.

So we get there and it is beautiful and sunny and the guys are talking about Adam's mini and the girls are hanging out. I steal away my Dad to have some Jenna- Dad time. Everyone's excited. Adam and his mini (left/above)

Us "at the alter" - Melissa has my Bouquet
Then everyone shows up and we get dressed and the whole thing begins. I had a bouquet of tulips, they were very pretty. Tulips are my favorite flower, in fact Adam brought me some before the wedding.We when and stood at the altar and immediately started to cry. Typical Jenna. The officiant said, "Don't cry, or I will cry too". We sad out vows and exchanged rings. It was a pretty long ceremony, it was sweet, but I found myself thinking,"How much longer do I have to not cry?"When it was time for Adam to put on my ring his had was shaking so badly, it was cute. Then we kissed and had a small party.

Adam and I Right After the Ceremony

Adam doesn't like to dance so instead we bought tons of board games for everyone to hang out and play (like Apples to Apples). WE brought coloring books and crayons and Rock Em Sock Em and just all kinds of fun stuff. Everyone played Apples to Apples for long time.

We ate a little bit and then we cut the cake. I was going to smoosh cake on Adam's face when we did the cake, but he ate it to quick, as soon as it was in his mouth he grabbed it! Then he proceeded to smear frosting all over my face. :( I am sad that I missed my opportunity to smoosh him in the face with cake. In the picture to the right I just found out we were going to cut the cake and I was scheming. The cake is at the top of the picture. The top layer was Vanilla with raspberry filling and the bottom was Chocolate with Peanut Butter filling. SOOO GOOOOD. I highly recommend the chocolate peanut butter. I did that because Adam doesn't like cake, but loves Reeses. So I thought that maybe he would like that. The planner had never had a request for it and had to ask the baker if she could do it, but I bet the baker uses that combo again

Then we did toasts and everyone did very kind, thoughtful, loving toasts. My Dad, My Mom, Adam's brother Eric, a family friend Tom and Adam's Stepfather Harry. It really was perfect. I couldn't have wished for a better day with better people.

Me At the End of the Day

The Furries! -- Backpost #3

2009-04-08T06:00:00.000-06:00

So if you have ever seen that CSI, you should know it's not that kind of furry.

Back in December, my Mom gave us one of her dogs named Scouter. He is a 3 year old tri color black sheltie. He is a sweetie. He grew up in a house with 2 other dogs and so we figured he was kind of lonely. So we decided to get a companion sheltie. So we started looking. Not very many dogs in our area. So finally we found one we liked in Arizona and we put a deposit down. About a day later my Mom called and she had purchase a puppy for me and told me to go pick it up. So now I have two puppies and Scouter. They couldn't be more different either. Mac is an "over the breed standard" bi Black (he looks like a order collie) and he is huge and cuddly. He weighs about 25 lbs right now maybe more. Shelby ( original name Cocoa) is an "under the breed standard" dog and she is a sable (think Lassie) and she weighs about 6 lbs.

Both puppies are about 16 weeks ( Mac being two weeks older) so are at an age where they are easier to housetrain. There were a lot of accidents in the beginning (thank you Adam's Mom for the steam cleaner), but we have been accident free for 2 days! They are pretty damn cute. Adam has been in the field so Jenna has been potty training them. This sometimes involves getting up at 2 am if a puppy wants to go out. I love them dearly though.

The FRG -- Backpost #1

2009-04-06T06:00:00.000-06:00

OMG -- So a couple weeks back we went to a frg meeting on post. It was the Wednesday before we got married.

Adam warning me and prepping me for the meeting, "There will be someone our age (24) that has at least 5 kids. You have to be nice to the big cheese, DO NOT use the term butter bar, he will not think its funny."

I was like okay I am ready for anything. I was wrong. Adam and I were the only couple in the whole freaking room not married, I was a little embarressed. It seemed like most of the other wives knew each other. That was okay, I was still okay at that point. They talked about the training and the deployment and gave me a copy of Adam's schedule, which was good. At least he doesn't have to hear me complain about it, when the army gives me a schedule I know there is no way he can get out of it.

So apparently many of the women had requested to find our more about the educational programs available to them so they had a Army Educational Councilor Service Person Helper Teacher Dude (AECSPHTD --look my first army acronym aren't you proud?) come to speak with us. So he asks how many graduated highs school, pretty much everyone raises their hand, then who has had some college (several hands go down), who has a degree (pretty much all but two hands go down- mine and a woman about 3 seats down). So the AECSPHTDude says to her, oh what did you get your degree in and what do you do now? She said, "I have a degree in Biochem from the University of Washington and I teach junior high math and science". He wanted to know if she had a masters, turned out not, and told she could get her credentials through the Army if she wanted. She pointed out it wold be hard to do a masters program with a hubby deployed, 2 small children and working full time. He was kind of pushy.

He turns to me,"What did you get your degree in?" "I doubled majored in computer science and biology and know I run a small business." I replied.

Then he said it:"It is interesting that you both got such techincal degrees and then didn't do anything with them." If looks could kill, he would be dead. Adam looked over at me and gave me the "Jenna be good" look so I smiled, looked down at my knitting, and took a deep breath and remembered we were there for Adam.

Several Thoughts about the comment that I couldn't say at the meeting, but I sure as hell can say here:
Who the hell do you think you are? What did you get your degree in and what is it you tell people you do at the ripe age of 50? I bet your Mother in Law loves to hear about your fantastic job.
Obviously, all of us milspouses married for the money and prestige.
Finally, what the fuck sort of amazing techy job are we supposed to get where we move every year or so? I am sure our employers will just think thats a great deal.
I was so pissed, but I let go, I just realized he has no idea what is coming out of his mouth.

Oh and by the way, the couple sitting in front of us was prego with kid numbero 5. I am so glad Adam and I don't have any kids yet, it is one thing for me to be sad during a deployment, but I think being a single Mom while he was away and trying to comfort the kids would be too much for me to handle. I know lots of people do it, but wow, not for me, at least not now.

Sparkly and I do

2009-04-05T09:12:00.003-06:00

I have been hiding. I have been wanting to write in my blog, but not wanting to acknowledge the very real fact that Adam is going and I am going to need all you guys again. I am going to sit in front of my computer at night (with my 3 dogs) and miss him like crazy. Maybe I will be in a better area and make more friends. I am hoping for that.

Anyways. Once I found out he was going and became rational again, my first thought was I am not doing this again as "the girlfriend." So I turned to Adam and said,"If you are going back I think we should get married." He said,"Okay, when?" I smiled and said,"As soon as possible." So a good friend of ours had gone to the court house and just married. No hulabaloo no nothing. So I told my Dad I was getting married in a week and he freaked out. "At least wait until I can come!" he said. So I realized at that point that I was going to have to invite other people. I knew Adam's Mom would really want to be there, and probably my Mom too. My Mom insisted that it be on a weekend because she couldn't be there on a Friday. Then Adam's family offered to throw a rehearsal dinner" and we said sure. At one point Adam and I were getting out of the car, as I was trying to figure out how to do a Saturday wedding on short notice and find a suitable restaurant for the dinner, and I turned to Adam and said,"This has turned into a thing!!!!" He laughed and said, "Yes it has."

So that he proposed to me with a ring that had been a family heirloom piece and it is sooo very beautiful. ( I have a picture of it I will post it at some point). So I found an officiant and she knew place and said she could put the whole wedding together for under $1000. She knew a baker that could do a great fondant cake for a good price.

We went to get the wedding license (you have othave it for 3 days before you can get married) and went ring shopping which was really fun.

Everyone came to town (about 20 people). In fact I didn't invite anyone personally, I told people and they decided whether or not they were comming. It seemed to work well, people who could not stay away came which was kind of fun.

This is enough for one post, I will write about the wedding itself later when I can dig up some pictures. :)

--------- Just as a side note-- I probably have about 50 posts in my head that never made it to the blog.... so I might be sort of random for a while. Adam doesn't allow the computer into the bed room anymore so less made it on to paper------------

Worst News Ever

2009-03-02T09:45:00.003-07:00

Guess I am going to be wrting a lot again. Adam's been stop lossed. He is going to redeploy to Iraq this summer. Obama's new schedule has changed the deployment dates by a year! His deployment date got moved up by a whole year. He was supposed to be able to A Cap and get out this fall, maybe Nov or Dec at the earliest, now, not until next fall.

I am just beside myself. I have no clue wha to think or how ot react or what to do next. This sucks.

The Pancake Experiment

2009-01-31T17:17:00.002-07:00

OK so this morning while Adam was sleeping I got up because I couldn't sleep. It was 6:30 and an hour and a half LATER then when I usually get up.

So I bought blueberries on sale (and felt slightly guilty because they were obviously imported from somewhere warmer-- so much for eating locally) and when I asked Adam if he liked blueberries (because there is hardly any food that you can actually grow that he likes) and he said, "I like blueberries in pancakes." I said ok and threw two cartons in the cart. i took one to work and the other I made into pancakes this morning.

I have this thing about doing "the best" thing or being really "efficient." I wasn't sure whether the non stick would cook the pancakes better or my All Clad Copper core frying pan (it's from a set I stole from my Dad) would cook them better. When I make pancakes here is what always happens. The first batch is just a little under cooked, the second round is burned and the third is okay, but no one wants any more cuz they are full.

Well after cooking pancakes on the 2 pans side by side, I would have to say that although the non stick pan easier to clean up, the all clad pan seems to cook them more evenly and won this round.

I finally woke Adam up and force fed him lots of pancakes. :: evil::

He is pretty sore from all the army pt stuff. He layed on the floor in the living room for a while whining about how much her hurt. :P I made him do dishes anyways.... :D

We are enjoying our one day off watching television. :)

Pruis

2009-01-21T21:42:00.002-07:00

So for those of you who don't know. I crashed Adam's prius. I totalled it. Apparently everything that is expensive on a prius is in the left corner of the car. So if you are going to wreck on, wreck the right side.

No one got hurt beyond my pride. I wasn't paying enough attention and I was looking down at the radio and I looked up and there was a truck stopped in front of me. I rear ended it and then it hit another truck. Bad News Bears. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO the insurance is going to cover it. Adam and I aren't sure what we are going to do. Right now we are sharing a car. It sucks.

Since I started a new job that starts at 6 am. I am working at a company called WatchMeGrow.com and if you log in and watch the demo you can see the back of me at work all day long. So I am working 40 hours a week in addition to my yarn business which I could easily work at 50 -60 hours a week. Needless to say Adam is not pleased with me working so much. I have about 10 hours worht of work before bed. Needless to say I am not going to get to it. I could get off my lazy butt and dye the last bit of yarn, but i am not going to. Maybe I will go to bed and get a jump on tomorrow?

Politics at Adam's job aren't making me very happy and I am hoping things clear up soon. Recently there was an incident that involved Adam going to the MP station in handcuffs and when all the proper commanders were called in (off leave so you can imagine how happy they were), Adam was walking out free and clear while the accuser was stripped of rank and in cuffs himself. Anyways what was suppoed to be morning work turned into all day work. Not fun.

Things are good, Adam and I have a new addition to the family, we have a dog now his name is Scouter. He is sheltie, he is a present from my mother. He and Adam have been fast friends and he sleeps with us every nite..... He is awfully cute.

I can't even get to a point anyways. UGH, nighto nighto

Happy Beleated Thanksgiving!

2008-12-01T00:05:00.002-07:00

No I haven't forgotten about you.
Adam and I went to visit Adam's Family for T-Day and we had a good time. Granted we didn't do a whole lot. I sat in front of the TV and knitted and Adam sat in front of the tv and played WoW. I think they were disappointed we didn't do more, but we were so happy to have a break.

I started a new job at a customer service place from 6 am to 8 am and I really like getting up when he does. I can do my yarn business stuff after words. While we were on vacation my horses decided to break out and led my friend who was watching them on wild chase that took up most the day. Apparently the electric fence had come unplugged. Not good.

We had a lot of fun and ate a TON of food on vacation. I can feel myself getting wider. Time to hit the gym. I told myself I would be less busy this time of year and I just seem to get busier and busier. I have no idea how this happens. I am not even caught up in holiday stuff. Yet. Anyways.
I'll write more later.

Busy

2008-11-13T08:40:00.003-07:00

Is really not an excuse I know. We have internet at the new house, but I am really in hiding from the world mode. Only Adam's computer is really set up. I think we are going to use one of my old computers as a server and send back ups and stuff like that to it so that should be a lot of fun or at least interesting.

Still in negotiations over where we are going to put everything. Adam seems to think the dining room table is a good place, but I think that it is a very bad place. Go Figure. Mainly because I cannot see the TV and because only one computer fits. Hmmmm. I think we are going to turn our second living room into a gaming room. That way we don't spend all of our time in the computer room. We hardly ever used our living room in the old house. I think we really like this new house. I think it will work out well. Even if it is a little decrepit. Ok a lot decrepit. It'll work for now.

News with me: I have a job interview and the yarn business is going well. Everything is messy now, but once we get the bookshelves in it won't be so bad. We will have places for things at least.

Another thing I have noticed is that I am way more sensitive to violent and scary things then I ever was before. I was watching Silence of the Lambs this morning and I have seen it before, but I seemed more affected this time then I have in the past. I couldn't tell you why, I don't know. I have noticed that horror movies and scary stories don't seem like as much fun as they used too. I never watch anything even remotely military anymore. :: shrug:: Just one of those things I guess.

Hope all is well with you guys.

Proud

2008-10-29T18:47:00.002-06:00

I wrote this a couple days ago, but I don't have internet in the new house yet. I talked to Qwest and after talking to a Qwest costumer service girl who was convinced that Qwest didn't operate in my area (even though that is what they had before). She told me to call back later to talk to someone else and maybe they could help me. I called my property manager and asked him if he knew what was available. Apparently, he knows someone who works at Quest and she called me back like 10 minutes later and assured me that there was Quest in that area and got me a good deal.

Ugh. The 6th - 10th. Can't wait.

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I don't know what it is about men in the army that holds such an allure. I love Grey's Anatomy and the new Army surgeon they have on the show is cool. He really embodies the things that I love about Adam's Armyness. He is confident and sure in his training and knows he can do the job he set out to do and is committed to the end of the mission. As much as I dislike some army things that is something I really like. Adam says I like to be on base because it makes me feel important. I guess that is partly true. I like to be on base because some part of me feels like I am contributing to our country and I am very proud not only that Adam is soldier, but a damn good soldier.

He is meticulous and goes the extra mile in his job. He takes his duty very seriously. It is more than just a job, as it for many soldiers. I am happy that he takes pride in his work. I mean I don't fight and I am not trained in anything, but in some small way I feel like I get to contribute.

Adam and I went to Issa's wedding and he wore his "special army outfit" and he showed me and explained all his medals and ribbons. I have never really thought about all the stuff he accomplished in Iraq. It blew me away. Adam is not the sort of person who talks about his accomplishments, so I feel special knowing that he wanted to show me and wanted to explain it all to me. He was so handsome in his outfit. So very handsome. Maybe thats part of the allure. I do love him so.

I am too tired to make anymore sense. I am so worn out. Adam makes me end my day, when he is not around I feel like the day never ends. I never want to sleep. I am a different animal when he is not around. Both good things and bad things. I need a haircut and to see a dentist.

What to say?

2008-10-26T20:39:00.002-06:00

I have been trying to be more upbeat lately. ESPECIALLY after being called "A Negative Nancy" by someone who shall remain nameless.

I know I don't need to be so stress out about everything that is going on, I mean yeah it sucks that he is gone and yeah some things are stressful, but all in all I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful man in my life.

Lala, when I read your suggestion of bath time, I thought, WHAT A GREAT idea, and poured a tubby and jumped in. I was much calmer after that.

I think me time is a big struggle for me. I feel like I don't take enough and like I take to much all at the same time. How much me time is appropriate? I mean I am not even sure why I am writing when I could be playing WoW? Or playing with the new XBox (they are on sale at the px!) Or watching a movie? Or mixing up dyes for tomorrow morning? I mean I have a whole week to figure that out so I can try an be less "negative" next week. Fun Fun.

At some point ... crap Adam just called I need to run him over some stuff to the base... laters

So.. worn.. out

2008-10-23T22:59:00.004-06:00

I am heading to bed, I have been wanting to write in my blog forever. As well as ride my horses. But I can't because I am busy. Too busy. Always too busy. Letting the important stuff go.

Normally I let Adam's work sort of dictate my schedule. However tonight he is not coming home because he has to stay at WLC. So he is not here to tell me to come to bed. This is the first night I have had to spend alone in our apartment since he came home from Iraq and I feel like I am just falling apart. I don't want any sympathy bids. Nothing anyone can say is going to make me feel better. By the time most of you read I will already feel better. I wonder if this total panic about him not being here will ever go away.

I have slept alone since he has been home, but it has been because I am traveling not because I am home alone. Nothing like being home alone with too much time to yourself to make you wonder how you got here. What a strange feeling.

Mostly I feel tired, headachy, hot, and cranky. I hope I am not getting sick, that would definitely explain why I feel like crap though. Usually I just put up with it until he comes home and then I do feel like a million dollars. Last night he sang the song from Top Gun, you have lost that loving feeling to get me to give him a kiss. He makes me so happy when he is here.

But when he is not I am at a total loss. Not only am I pretty sure that's not very healthy, but it makes me feel pretty crazy and codependent. I am definitely feeling angry. Very angry.

Mostly I am tired of being nicey- nice to people. I am pretty much at the point where I totally understand why people go on shooting sprees and kill everyone for no reason. There is no good explaination. Anyways, tomorrow morning I hope I feel better, less angry. Mostly I am angry at myself for being pushed into these shitty positions where there is no way out but to explode. If I could tell everyone in my life how stupid and insane they are maybe I would feel better. Something is going to have to give. Tomorrow Adam will be home and things that seemed really confusing and angry making will make more sense. I hope.

OK OK

2008-10-18T08:56:00.003-06:00

Poor butthead. He is gassed out as he likes to say. I came home last night after spending a bunch of time at the new house and he says,"You know what we should do tonight, honey?" and I looked at him and said,"Um, Sleep?" He laughed and said,"Yeah I was thinking make some dinner and watch anime." Ah we sound like a married couple. I feel badly for him today I need to go buy some hay and run errands and that is definitely not a "day off". My ponies are in my backyard of my new house. That's very cool.

So he is exhausted and still asleep, but we went to bed at 8:30 so at 5:30 this morning I was wide awake. Ugh. So I get up. I can't believe I am up at 5:30 on a Saturday, what is my life coming to?!!?!?

Lala asked me how I stay sane when I move. I am so used to moving that I am a little worried about living inthe same house for a year. I will be the first time I have done in my entire life. Since my parents where divorced I always at least visited for a whole summer and I co0nstantly switched schools and houses. A better question is how am I going to cope with being part of a "community" and staying in one place. It seems scary. I am not a Washingtonian and I don't really desire to be one. That said how am I going to find a life here that suits me? I can't be an outsider forever. I guess I just have to learn not to identify who I am with a) where I live or b) my job. Most people identify that way anyways. I think army people just identify with the army and call it a done deal. I don't know yet and I don't want to look at it too hard. I really struggle with this for some reason. Adam doesn't, just me. Though he might feel this a little when he gets out of the army. The army has provided him with so much structure, he doesn't have a lot of choice.

I have to say I am constantly amazed with how much crap he just takes from people because he has to. I would go crazy if people treated me the way they treat him. He is polite and plays ball. I don't know if I could, though the 8 weeks of basic or whatever it is might change my mind.

He is so handsome when he sleeps. He has been asleep for 12 hours, time to go put my very cold feet on him! toodles!

Your are right!

2008-10-17T09:10:00.002-06:00

I need to update.

The truth is I have been traveling for the last two weeks. Does that buy me a repreive? And we have been moving into our new place which has involved a lot of fence putting up because our new property has space for horses!

On top of that Adam has WLC which means they find new ways to run us through the ringer. For example, yesterday we had to get up @ 3:45 since both cars were on base (after getting home at 10 pm from the airport) and Adam had to be there at 4:30. I drove back and started picking up the house (I won't even mention the fruit flies attracted by the old food.... barf) because we had both been gone two weeks. Then I did some stuff for my business and packing up the house. I was driving around doing stuff all day. Adam got home at 6, we finished setting up the electric fence, drove all the way over to the horses, got Mc Donald's on the way (we have been eating way to much fast food), picked up the horse (hooked up the trailer,caught them loaded them up) drove back to the new house, unloaded set them up. Now its 8:45. We went home went straight to bed, DO NOT pass go, DO NOT collect $200 ( I wish) and started all over this morning at 4 am.

I know Adam is so worn out, they haven't been sleeping on the beds at WLC because they are only allowed a couple hours of sleep and they don't want to spend them making the beds. That is the most stupid thing on the planet, I don't even know why they give them beds, its just takes up space in the rooms. He only gets Saturday off Sunday he has to go in at 7:30. So we are planning not to do anything on Saturday. Poor Butthead.

Anyways, there is a semi update. I might find some pictures of my new to put up.

:)

Taco Salad is yummy -- 4 am sucks

2008-09-19T06:17:00.003-06:00

but not as bad as I thought it would. I had to drive butthead to work today because the truck was still at the oil change place. Of course this morning he had a battalion run soooooo we got to be there at 5 am instead of 6 am. Ugh.

It wasn't that bad. I like to be able to see him in the morning even if he is a total grouch. :) Some days we are so disorganized it is like how the hell did we get this far in life? Ugh and double ugh. I saw Caitlin's blog about recipes and I have been following New Girl on Post's idea about the recipe's a little, I have just been so busy ( I know, Sid Lovely, I read about being in the moment and I totally agree, it is something I work on ALL THE TIME ;) ) I haven't had a chance. I wrote about a frustration I had the other day and hurt a good friend's feelings so I have been a little jaded about the whole intarweb lately. Eventually I will go look at the recipe site, but I know I am going to get sucked in for hours on end and so I am currently resisting. I will find some time soon.
Meanwhile I will tell you about my recent army observations, and my favorite recipe that is so dang easy and everyone always loves it.

Taco Salad
1 bag your favorite tortilla chips ( I like the tostitos scoops)
1 lb chicken/ ground beef/ ground turkey/ ground elk (venison)/ antelope steak
thyme
garlic
onion ( I like the red/ purple variety)
salsa (I like the corn and black bean kind)
shredded cheese
refried beans or black beans
bagged spinich or salad
guacamole (if you like it) or avocados
olive oil

In a pan, put olive oil / diced onion/ garlic, give it a minute then add meat and sprinkle thyme over it (or if you have the thyme leaves, add the leaves), some people add cayenne here as well but it can be over powering.

While that cooks in a large serving bowl platter whatever line with chips. Add salad and sprinkle with cheese. If you do not have picky eaters, reheat beans and pour over the top. When meat is done cooking spread evenly over salad. Put salsa and sour cream on table with spoons. If you have avocado you can spread it over the top as well and I keep some chips on hand in a bowl in case people get chip shorted. Serve and enjoy. This is really quick and easy. My Mom omits the garlic and onion/ spices and pours a jar of mild or medium salsa in with the meat as it cooks, this is great if you have lean meat (especially game meat) and you are worried about it being dry. I put extra of everything on the table as well so people can add more beans or whatever if they want. this is a messy dinner, but one of my very favorites, and so DANG easy and quick, all you really have to do is cook the meat and assemble a salad.

I have a recipe for guacamole and I can post that as well sometime.

So now observations of behavior on base that strike me as funny. When ever I see and older enlisted person, I automatically assume they are a high rank and hunt for their rank on their clothing, often they are in pts which have no rank. So I feel like saying to them,"What is your rank so I know how polite I have to be?" Yesterday we were at the mall and there was a silver hummer that had all the amenities and a vanity plate that said sgt(so and so). I thought it was a little strange, and Adam, said,"He must be some sort of packing clerk who tells people that he is in the army and a real solider," and he went on to do this halarious impression of a guy who things he is so cool because he is in the army even though all he does is serve soldiers packages, "and is only open for about 2 hours a day when everyone is at work so they can never pick up their packages" and "plays video games in the back room the other 6 hours of the day." This character has "an m-16 that they won't even give me ammo for (because I have never actually been trained to use it)." At this point I am like rolling on the floor laffing. Adam can be so dang funny. I think he should do stand up. He thinks only I think he is funny.

We did have a moment similar to this where we were trying to get some weapons registered and he got off work and we hurried over there before they close and we literally were the last ones there, and it was 4:35 and all we needed was him to look it over and give us one quick signature and the guy told us to come back tomorrow. They open at 07:30, and close at 16:30. Both of which times Adam is likely still at work. How frustrating. I couldn't believe that guy didn't help us, it was truly a crappy thing to do. Whatever. The gate people are nice. I am getting used to base. I pretty much know my way around. The only thing I can buy without Adam is food, but I do really like being able to go on base because I am allowed to now. I am part of one of the world's strangest clubs where the rules and traditions and behaviors almost always make me laugh.

Yesterday was a slow day in the blogosphere...

2008-09-16T08:58:00.002-06:00

I tried to make yesterday good, I really did. It just didn't want to be good. I almost hit a car in the parking lot, I got a call that the one of the foals had died, I talked to my mother and she sounds crazier then ever. Then we played WoW and the people we were playing with, who are good friends of ours were just not attentive and let us die and we didn't finish the instance.

Oh well today is going to have to be better. I am just tired of bad days. I don't want any more to darken my door step.

Anyways, I really wish this apartment came with a big bathtub. I love bathtubs. Really big ones. Adam doesn't like baths. I could lay in a bath for 4-5 easily depending on the size of the tub. I have been the swimmer and water child. We are starting to look for a new place and I am worried about even looking because I just KNOW it is going to be a ton of work. I need a place that is CLOSE to base, has a garage or basement, and has room for 2-4 horses. Then I am going to need to haul hay from Wyoming. Hmmm it shouldn't be that bad. One of Adam's army buddies offered to rent a room, and he is really a cool guy, I like him, that lets me look for bigger places. Which is cool and gives me more options. Anyways I guess I will call a real estate agent.

I am going to go try a yoga class so I better grab a bite. I wonder if you are supposed to eatbefore yoga? I will find out lol. Laters.

Yay! (What a Lame Title, LOL)

2008-09-15T09:58:00.002-06:00

Adam got a promotion. I am sure am not supposed to talk about it. Which is really sad, because you are the only people who would really understand how lucky he is for what he got for his rank blah blah blah. He is really happy. He says funny things like "when the unit stands up again," what are they are they laying down??

We are going to have my yellow truck in the for sale lot soon. I wish it was there already, ugh, but because we aren't married and because Adam isn't on the title or the insurance it is a run around. Fun Fun. Like it always is. I was recently validated by an army person the other day. We went to base and I had forgotten my ID (story of our lives) and we were just going to get a hair cut and buy gas. We pulled up and expected to be told to turn around. Well we pulled ot the guy who checks our ID almost every time we go through. I can't believe he recognized us and let us through. He must see a million people a day. He said we were okay. I was shocked. A pog doing something that made our lives easier. As we drove away Adam said, "and that's why we are always super nice to the gate guys." So I am going to be EXTRA nice to the gate guys in the future.

Oh man I have a lot of work to do today. I didn't do any over the weekend, thus there is a lot. Oh on another note, this is so typical Adam, we joined a gym. Adam has decided he is not buff enough and not fast enough. So I have been complaining about being fat for a while. Adam says I am not allowed to complain ANYMORE. They have a bunch of fitness classes and it is less than a mile from here. I agree no more complaining. I went swimming last night, it was great. I can't believe it but I am stiff this morning. Sigh. Out of shape. Well I gtg. Things are good right now. I am enjoying the ride while it lasts. :)

Deferring

2008-09-12T11:50:00.002-06:00

In my walks of life , business, horses, military, whatever, people tend to give me advice or tell me how it is. Yesterday my farrier told me that in order to get my horses better about their feet I need to teach them to balance by tying up each of their feet one at a time for about 10 minutes each.... I agree they would stand better if they were balanced, but my 2 year old is still learning about having his feet picked up and that is not how I am going to teach him. I thought this was super shitty advice so I said to him,"Is that what you do with you young horses?" THere was a pregnant pause there and he said,"No actually my horses are bad because I don't have a ton of tiem to spend with them on their feet." He didn't even say I should do that, I could do that thats all he said.

So in light of this discovery I have decided that whenever anyone gives me advice I don't like or don't agree with I am going to ask them,"Is that what you did/do / are going to do?" and if it is they can tell me a story of how it worked for them. Otherwise they realize how stupid their comment is. I like advice, stories whatever. I don't want to be argumentative when I don't agree, or constantly nod and smile. I feel like I am selling out.

Adam cleaned the house the other day and it is SPOTLESS, and I love it. For some reason if I ask him to clean the house nicely, and I have to go some where, when I come home he has done a great job. Its pretty nice to know we don't only rely on my domestic skills. I left him a list of chores so when he came home I found a new list of chores for me. I think its great. We are really working to share the house hold duties. I think that's a good stride forward into the 21st century.

Experiment

2008-09-10T07:59:00.003-06:00

I have to say for the most part I did feel a lot better yesterday. I spoke with my Dad for a long time on the phone yesterday and that went really well for once. I don't really think there is anything he can do to shock me.

On a separate note I sometimes wish that I had a totally anonymous blog from my family. I don't think anyone in my family reads my blog, but I don't want to post something that could come back and bite me in the butt. I have been thinking about making another invitation only blog and invite a couple of you guys that I talk to on a regular basis. I would still write in both blog because I know some of you guys lurk and don't comment. It is something I have been thinking about for a while. Meh. Maybe.

Lately I have been forgetful and I am not a very organized person no matter how much I try to be organized I can't seem to get it together. I feel like I have really worked at being more organized, but there never seems to be time to be more organized. Don't get me wrong, I think I take plenty of me time (thought often I do see it as being "lazy") so why can't I take that time and clean house or do something useful with it. My Mother is so neat and clean, hates having the house dirty at all almost to the point of being neurotic about it. I am one of those shove things in the closet to make it look clean types of people. I have always been a procrastinator and I don't know if that is a personality trait or not. I have been trying to be more attentive to procrastinating and doing it less. I definitely avoid stuff by doing other work and justifying it that way.

I have made some mistakes in people's orders that are pretty bad. I have fixed them and made it up to them as best I can, but I still feel like how are people going to view my customer service when I had to fix their order? I wouldn't want to order from me again. I mean people do and they understand it is basically a one person operation, but still. Though I do think my levels of professional standards are higher then the average person and I may be holding myself to a pretty rigid standard.

On top of everything else I find myself waiting for Adam to get home to do stuff. Adam is working 11 hour days right now. Which drives me up the wall because they mostly sit around on base. It wasn't such a big deal to sit around on base in his barracks room when he lived on base. However, now that he can come home at the end of the day, the being on call is just painful. Oh well. That is how it is right now.

Much Better

2008-09-09T09:17:00.002-06:00

Well thanks to everyone for the comments, even Lala's :) ( I hope to visit her soon). I think what I find most insulting that people have said to me (and she said this too), get a marriage license and have a wedding later. I really want the ceremony that I am having at my wedding to be legally binding wedding. I have decided from now on, when someone says that to me I am going to ask them if that is what they did. But I am moving on. No more excuses.

I have come back to that point where I have too much to do, but I am finally learning to stop panicking about it. I think. I like to watch what not wear on my "lunch break" and I am constantly amazed about how women that I consider skinny or "normal weight" are super self conscious about their body. I am also amazed that (in New York City) there really are clothes to fit just about every body type. I am a little bummed because the show used to have more men on it and I don't think I have seen an episode with men in a long long time. It seems a little sexist. I have been watching more TV since Adam set one up in my computer room. I also watched wife swap. It was meh. The do a really good job of placing people with conflicting values in each others home. I think that is cool, I usually always side with a certain family. I think that I would get the uber conservative family. I don't know though.

(I am trying really hard to write a blog where I don't just talk about problems and negative things, it really seems to be flotsam...but we will see). I do want to say on this note though that before Adam and I lived together I had a lot of fear about what it would be like and if we were really as compatible as we thought we were and none of those fears became realized. I had fears that after the deployment he would come home from war and not be able to deal with the things he had done. So I have been watching him like a hawk, night and day. AS far as I can tell he seems to be fine. Some nightmares, some scary moments where he hasn't really believed that he is home. It hasn't been anything that has been a real problem.

Yesterday I had a stressful day, but today I am going to tread carefully and see if I have to stress about all things I keep stressing about. I mean I have a big decision to make about whether I am actually going to ride in the futurities and I think I am and I am trying to be brave. I am worried that I won't be as prepared and I could have been. I think that it was the best I could do given the circumstances and there is no reason to not ride. I may not be as prepared as I would like, but it is not like I am going to fall off, I just may not win. On the flip side every chance that I get to go out in that big arena and be nervous and ride anyways is a step towards being more relaxed. To chip away at that fear that I can never do anything "great" (that's a whole other stupid complex I have that really is not serving me well) is a step in the right direction. I am sure there will be riders less prepared then I am on not as nice mounts.

Lastly, all the money that I am worried about not having, I have no unpaid yarn bills this month. So all the yarn that I sell is money I do not have to pay back because I have already paid for it. So that gives me some freedom to dye some of the yarn and sell it at the London show where they will pay more for yarn because the dollar is so weak. So the panic attacks about the bills needs to stop as well or at least lessen. I have an idea of where I am going, and I have been wanting to dye yarn forever, and I haven't really been dyeing any and I love to do it. I got a bunch of new dyes in, in some great colors and I can't wait to try them.

Now that I have said all of my affirming -no -worrying things I am going to get out of bed. I like this style or writing the affirming things instead of the worries. I wonder if it really will change the tone for the day. Well its a good experiement. The other day when I was down I was perusing some blog and many of them were worried and sad and I wondered if it was just the time, because everyone seems to be worried about the country, but I then I decided that the world just goes on and some where in the world people are happy and enjoying there life and think that everythign is going to great and I want to be in that contingency. How is that for upbeat?

Up Again

2008-09-07T23:12:00.002-06:00

And he is totally out. Which is how he should be considering he HAS to be up at 5:15 am and out the door. I have gotten used to the sleeping until 8 am schedule. I just have a hard time at the other end. The going to sleep part. I have always had trouble falling asleep and some nights being next to him an just cuddling is enough. Not tonight. I disentangled myself because I DO want to make sure he gets a good nights rest. So he can be up and perky in the morning. Well perky isn't quite the word.

I think I made a new friend. I know I wish I was going to be traveling less. I think I made a friend who might want to work out in the morning with me. I could really use that right now. I feel like things might be start to come back on track for me. I hope so. Part of me is afraid to stride forward into that next chunk of being adult. I guess it is either stride or be pushed because sooner or later I am going to have to take that next step and nothing is going to stop it.

The marriage pushing has been insane lately. Our chiropractor razzed us out for like 10 minutes trying to convince me. I thought that was pretty rude and forward of her. She doesn't know us or our struggles. I think her point was that she doesn't have to. However just because you have known someone for a long time doesn't mean you should get married.

It makes me wonder about this thing of you shouldn't live with someone before you are married. It is not that I think I am living in sin more what am I gaining and losing by holding out. I have my reasons and they are mine and I wish people could respect that that. Part of me wonders if I am foolish for holding out. I don't I have to do what it right for me. Right now that is not being chased by marriage pushers.

Our life together has the potential to really change after he gets out and goes to college and we move around. I really want him to have whatever freedom he need to move forward with his life. Once we are not just waiting for the army to end and we have more freedom are we going to want different things? I just want to accommodate for that. I want to give us room or leave space to change and grow without feeling trapped and maybe it would be a non issue even if we were married. Why take that risk?

Anyways, I am done explaining myself. It's none of their business. Still I wonder if that is a healthy attitude or if that points to some unreadiness or inflexibility on my part. Even if it does, isn't that just another indicator to take some time on this?

Sleepless in Seattle

2008-09-02T06:45:00.003-06:00

Ha ha bad joke. I have returned from all my trips and my yarn business is going well. Not great, but well. I have like 15 little post it notes in front of me and Adam has already left for work. It's about 5:45. Last night neither of us slept terribly well. The night before we slept like a rock. We have been doing this alternating thing where one night we sleep well and the next we don't I have not figured out why that is.

I am trying to learn to enjoy the moment more. Yesterday night I was frustrated about a couple things around the house and how it never seems to stay the way I set it and also about my schedule how I never seem to be able to keep one. Adam looked at me and said,"This just perfect you know? These are the good times." I looked at him and realized he was perfectly happy and content and we had spent a relaxed day hanging out watching movies and nothing really to answer to for another day or so. He was just loving the hell out of our down down day. I was really sad because he was just enjoying spending time with me, and here I was being fractious over work I wasn't willing to do at that moment. I have always been that way. Sometimes I feel like everyday with him is a vacation or a day off and I don't hold myself to my responsibilities like I imagine I will. I have never held myself to all my responsibilities, ever. Period. So now I am just making new excuses.

I am hoping that soon I will find some more inner peace and realize that it doesn't come from having your life exactly the way I "want" it to be. I have the ridiculous standards of excellence set before me. I need to realize that and just chill a little. I also realized that part of my problem is that I was unhappy about my horses boarding situation, the horses are just so far away that I not riding hardly at all and I feel so guilty and I don't like the lady that they are with so much because she is really stupid and it drive me up the wall to have her around my horses and telling me what they need at the time. ARG! So until our lease runs out and we can find a place that will house my business a bit better, and I think we found a place that will also house my horses a bit better as well. Maybe that will make me feel better. Maybe it won't. I do have this tendency to keep changing my environment and hoping that solve whatever discontent that I am feeling, but so far it hasn't really done that much to alleviate my worries, whatever they are.

So I think I need to look at what I am doing and think about it. I have to stop working my ass of for little or no return. We did well at the show, but the cost of going is so outrageous. I mean made money, but not the way I would like to and I had a lot of help from my Mom which is less then ideal. I went to the show to get customers. I spent 2 whole days writing an email newsletter. Soem people have read it, but no new orders. I thought my DVD would sell really well. I have sold less then a 3rd that I had made. All of this is sort of dissapointing. But if you talk to other people they say that is very good for a business that started in May with as little capitol as you had in a down economy blah blah blah. I need something that can consistently pay the bills and what I hear from one parent is you just need to stick it out and grow you r business a bit and what I hear from the other parent is your profit margins are too low you won't make money. No one really seems to know. I have hired a bookkeeper to help me go over everything with a fine fine tooth comb. I bet she /he will know.

In some ways the yarn business is who I am and in other ways it is not, but I keep coming back to this "who I am" and it bothers the crap out of me because I DON'T HAVE TO BE ANYONE if I don't want to so why do I let myself get hung up in this container of a definition that is not serving me very well.

I am not sure. I have to think this over some more. Or better yet, not think about it at all. That seems like a way better solution :D. Anyways maybe this will make more sense if I go back to bed and start over.

Late Long and Frustrating

2008-08-15T21:00:00.002-06:00

Oh the joy of customers. You can't let them get to you. Sigh.

I am dying yarn like a crazy person getting ready for this trade show.

I am not really sure what else to say. I am working really hard right now. Meh, we all are right.

Being with my Mom makes me a little crazy anyways. I don't want to be too much like her, because I don't always approve of how she treats people. I am like her because I am related to her and she helped raise me. Sometimes it is hard to be me when she is around. I have to work extra hard to be nice to people. I question myself more. Putting things in perspective is harder. Being me is harder.

It doesn't help that I am already trying to figure out who I am. I have been poking through the book A New Earth. I think some of his points are good but I find his book to be hypocritical. I think he is right though in about who are you if lost everything family, stuff, job, country. Who would you be? I think that is a good point.

People being upset at em still bothers me. People's criticism still bothers me. I know I am going to have to take a lot more. So here is to being strong....

Gulp.

Friendly, but not too friendly

2008-08-12T13:54:00.003-06:00

Army culture makes me laugh. Where we live people are nice, not friendly. They will say hi and smile (and be very polite), but never introduce themselves. We take special care never to try and meet people. As Adam says, if you don't know them you don't have to salute. Plus every army person I have ever met frowns upon fraternizing outside you rank, yadda yadda yadda.Whatever.

Consequently, the wives, girlfriends aren't wanting to be friendly and make friends or introduce themselves. But there is one lady who is nice, and I took them some muffins. She is always nice. The husband came down to introduce himself, and I was so worried about meeting them I was kind of short with them. Adam doesn't want to make friends, but I do. I was so excited because he didn't have a short haircut! They aren't military. That means maybe I could be allowed to be friends. If you read that sentence, don't fall off your chair laughing or think that is a bizarre statement then you have lived army too long.

So anyways, I gained a bunch of weight and I haven't been wanting to leave the house and be in public, cuz I don't fit my clothes and nothing really looks flattering on me right now. But I have to go to the show. Adam said to me last night,"You can't just complain that you are fat. You have to go work out and not cheat on your diet.I can't make you not cheat and I can't make you go. It's personal decision. If you want to go you will go." He is right. So yesterday I went and bought about 4 pairs of uber cheap walmart workout clothes, and today I went to work out. I have eaten only good stuff today. Maybe it will last, but I am not going to stress about it, because if I do I will stress eat!

I talked with my check in person, and she noticed how I am not concretizing what I need and not making sure I get it and its bringing me down. It's not just enough to love Adam and I agree. So thats why I made sure I worked out today. It's so simple. Literally the workout place is 100 yards from my door, and open from 7 am to 10 pm. I work out for just 20 minutes and I come home. There is usually hardly anyone ever there. Anyways. It's a process. I feel a lot more at peace with myself today now that I went to work out. :: shrug::

Quiet Hours

2008-08-06T07:01:00.003-06:00

I am up early for me. Adam left for work about and hour ago, but I didn't feel like sleeping. I sure I will here in a little bit. Yesterday was a busy day. My sisters and I rode and worked. It was so hot we came back and Adam was home! So we jumped in the pool where the kids (Adam and the girls) played Monkey in the middle with a wiffle ball.

We went shopping for groceries and while I was in the store, a bouquet f tulips magically appeared on my seat. They are gorgeous (purple).

Last night it was so hot we had a hard time sleeping, I never thought I would say that about Washington.

So yeah puddling along checking email for orders and enjoying a little downtime. Myabe I will try and sleep just a little more before I have to face the music as they say.

AS side note: Here is a link to a lady reviewing some of my yarn.

People are always asking me what I am doing now a days so here is it, this is what I am doing. Its crazy.

I am not making sense anymore. Maybe its naptime.

I know...

2008-08-05T10:26:00.003-06:00

It's been over a week. I used to blog everyday! Sheez What has gotten into me?!?!

Adam had his first "real" day back at work. This means everyone came home off of leave. The day before he went back we went to get his traditional hair cut and all the shops were totally packed! I asked him what he wanted to do and we had kind of joked around with the idea of me cutting his hair and he said,"You can do it later we will get some trimmers." I said,"Ok!" So we went to Seattle and did some stuff. When we came back we went and grabbed trimmers. It took me a while and I think got it a little too short in some areas, but when I was done it looked pretty good. We were worried, but when he got to work the next morning his battle buddy said it looked good. SO I was thrilled. I don't think I will do it every week, but every other week wouldn't be so bad. Just follow the hair cut of the barber.

Two of my sisters are visiting form out of town, one is a half sister from my mom and the other is a half sister from my dad, so they don't know each other very well. Its kind of cool. They are both here for a week. It just sort of worked out that way.

Going back to work hasn't been terribly fun for Adam. He rushes home when it is time to come home and changes out of the outfit immediately. I hope it picks up for him and they do more "fun stuff" as Adam likes to call it. We went out to dinner with his battle buddy and it was pretty obvious that Adam and he are in a totally different space. Adam is sitting there with me and my sister sort of family man-ish and BB is text buddies to see who wants to go out drinking. I think many of the guys feel like they need to catch up on home stuff now that they are back, Fortunately for me all Adam really feels like he needs to catch up on is movie seeing. Some guys are drinking an awful lot, not BB per se I don't know. I don't think hanging out with us is high on his list of fun things to do you know? Lol Anyways

This is going to be long because I haven't blogged in forever. Adam txted to say he has a long day today, which is good for me in the sense that I hate to work when he is around. So I tend not to. Not good.

The relationship has definitely changed then when he first got home. It has become more solid, but I think we are still feeling out each other boundaries. The problem is the boundaries are about really what have time to do and that is going to change 100 fold again once he has a more set schedule and 100 times again if he has to leave for Yakima. I mean I guess I am happy its not same ole same ole, I mean the same is boring right? I hate boring. I keep having this fantasy that we are going to settle into a routine and that hasn't happened yet. I mean the only routine we really have is that Adam is going to play video games sometime before bed and we go to bed in time for him to get up to go to work. He goes to work and gives me kisses before he goes and then goes. I go back to sleep and make myself get up at 9 am. Voila our schedule. I guess it is not a bad schedule as far as they go. Anyways. Always more to write, never enough time. Until next time.

I am having this horse dilemma, and maybe I am going to be able to go fix it.

Don't Worry! Be Happy!

2008-07-21T21:41:00.002-06:00

Aww all my readers are so kind!

Adam and I are at my house in Wyoming and getting to spend some wonderful downtime together. This evening we used the tractor to drag the arena and it was wonderful. Calm, just me and Adam on the tractor, since no one else could fit on the tractor it was just the two of us, driving in circles. I know it sounds boring, but it was nice. Just a couple more days and then it is back to the grind stone.

We are enjoying our time here and seeing where the road takes us. We went to look at some colleges and have found a lot of places we would like to spend time and people who are fun to hang out with.

I think that we have a pretty blank slate to go anywhere and start anew. It is a weird feeling. We are pretty unrooted and have nothing to hold us down. Neither of us live close to family, or have a place we really call home, other than our boarding school.

It's a whole new world for us.

:)

So sick

2008-07-18T22:05:00.003-06:00

I am so sick of lying to people. It is just not worth to hear whatever they have to say to me about what they think about it. So I don't tell them. I have whole list of people that I am regularly lying to. That's bad huh? It is mainly because I have a thing I am doing and I have thought about it and made up my mind. and there is F*** all anyone can say to change it. As frank as that is. Though keeping my stories straight is a work of art.

The only person I haven't really been lying to is Adam. This is mainly because he is with me every second of the day watching and consequently laying his head on my shoulder as I write this.

Really it is not exactly that I am always lying it is just sometimes I need to present a person that people can understand, interact with and get along with. Just because I don't exactly agree with their modus operendai doesn't mean I don't have to stop interacting with them entirely, just modify slightly their perception of me.

Anyways. Exhausted. Going to bed. Wish I could blog more, but I don't need to dig myself into a hole anyways. Very headstrong I am. Faith in the world that it will work itself out pervades me.

Best Friendness and stress....

2008-07-15T11:45:00.002-06:00

So we are vacationing and we are visiting my best friend Issa in San Fransico. I typically don't like California, it is just not my style. However both of us are loving it here. We love the convienence of the city, and being around good friends is wonderful.

I have been reading posts as well. I read SidLovely's post and I have to say I agree with her about just being away from the writing. My heart goes out her about the hard times where you feel helpless. I am doing a lot of self-searching. Being here lets me see what living techniques my friends have to make their lives run smoother. For me I see living as a collaborative effort, it is comforting to know some of my friends are in the same sort of space I am in. Especially with losing the time to do anything you want without thinking about the effect that it has on the other person. It is funny Issa and I discussed last night that some of the issues that we were having were classic, typical problems that many couples complain about. Seems somethings don't seem to change.

Adjusting is coming back from Iraq is interesting and I want to keep you updated on the adjustments we are making, but unfortunately, most of it is just so gosh durn personal I don't really think it would be fair for me to guinea pig Adam like that. I will say that loud noises just don't sit well with him. Not that they really did before anyways.

I would say my adjustments are easier to talk about, mostly it is strange not gluing myself to my computer screen. I feel like I want reply and give heartfelt meaningful input, but literally as I write this Adam is doing his best to distract me.... So I regret that fact that I haven't had the time to really in-depth response. Part of me wonders if people want other people imposing their will (read: opinion on their blog spaces). I mean people didn't really ask for my opinion or advice. I mean want people to comment and leave opinions, but just because I do, doesn't other people want me to...

I didn't comment about the stress, but I really don't have time because I don't think Adam is going to stop trying to distract me....

Meaning

2008-07-10T11:13:00.002-06:00

I have been meaning to write but lately I have been just falling into bed at night. Once Adam gets home from work we fill our days with stuff right up until bed time. Not always important stuff (like America's Best Dance Crew is on tonight), but still.

It is a lot of work to live with someone when you are used to living alone. We are working on cooking together and fortunately, we have a grill and that has made cooking and cleaning a lot easier. I think what I miss the most is "down time". When I was alone I could take a minute almost whenever I wanted to, sit and zone out, or watch tv and zone out. Now I am constantly aware of where Adam is and what he is doing ALL THE TIME. When he is at work I try to do that stuff that he doesn't like or I have to be alone to do. When he is around we try to get errands done or do fun stuff. Even if I sit to zone out or watch TV I feel this pull of the fact that he is around and I could be with him. I am wondering if this will wear off.

Right now we do things together even when we could do them apart because I think the deployment-ness has not worn off yet. If I can be with him I feel like I should and if I am not I want to be, so it is really weird. I am still working with it.

One of the things that has become my new compulsion is going with him to work and doing work at the library or in the car while he is in formation or like today he is moving stuff for two hours. For some reason I am like 100 times more productive if I am away from my house. It's insane.

Speaking of the other type of meaning full stuff that is happening, yesterday we decided to go to breakfast at Denny's and Adam was on stdby so he was in outfit. So once we were done eating we were told by the waitress that table next to us had paid for our breakfast. We both were dumbfounded. I mean Adam tells me about this stuff happening, but until it happens to you it is a little shocking. That was nice of them. When it happens you are grateful, but in an awkward, self concious way. By the time the waitress has told us they had left. So we had no one to be self concious to, but us.

I will say, it does "warm your heart" so to speak and make you want to be nice to other people and in that way I hope I can do something nice for someone, and hope they feel as appreciated as we did.

Adventure...

2008-07-06T23:25:00.002-06:00

So today we went on aforementioned adventure. It was promising to be pretty tame until Butthead decided to make it less tame. Our instructor was cool, it was pretty slow going in the beginning because we had to go over several safety briefings, mostly about how NOT to tip over. We had 3 other women, 2 of whom were friends and the other lady was new to the area. Then there was a guy with a strange hard to pronounce name who told us we could call him "Vik".

So off we paddle. We start to paddle past where the ferry boats dock. Well they were trying to dock and we were sort of in the way so we paddled like crazy to get out of the way. Turns out where we were resting was a different ferry boat dock! So we paddled like crazy again their horns blowing at us. We make it to the park and eat lunch. It was yummy and then we hung out and waited for the tides to change a little so it would be an easier ride back. We paddle back past the ferry place, this time the ferries were out doing their ferry thing.

Well I was joking around with Adam saying that he is always a trouble maker and always "rocked the boat" and in symmetry with the joke he starts rocking his kayak back and forth, and one of the other ladies says if he doesn't watch it he will really tip. Just as I nodded in agreement, Adam tipped himself over into the 52 degree waters of the sound. BRR! Well he remember his safety demo and freed himself from his boat and popped up out of the water with the most surprised look on his face. I just cracked up, I started laffing so hard i could barely stay upright in my own boat. He is sputtering and scrambling trying to get back in the boat, I am laffing and laffing ((I laffed so hard the other people on the trip felt sry for the butthead)). SO our instructor paddled over and got Adam back into his kayak and away we went. On this trip we saw dolphins (I think they were porpoises not dolphins) Seals, I saw a start fish, and some of the people on the trip saw a sea otter. We met one person who might could be a friend.

I did something really silly myself. I ferociously guarded Adam and sprayed him with sunblock every chance I got, but for some reason on the way home I only respray ONE of my arms with sun block. So one of my arms got really badly sunburnt... It's stupid I know. We took lots of pictures, once we have them developed mayeb we can scan em and put em up.

More adventures later, I have a lot to write about but I am just so doggone tired at the end of the day. There is this woman who I sold some yarn to who is being a real jerk and I hope she is not spreading "bad pr" and difficult stuff about me in my group on my knitting website. I got so worked up about it when I saw how rude she had been that Adam forbade me to look at it, but tomorrow I have to face the music. I told her something that someone told me, and I had gotten it out of context and I didn't know that. I didn't know i wasn't supposed to tell anyone else. SOo trying to sell this yarn I told her what i had been told. Turns out I wasn't exactly right and this woman is using it against me to say I am a liar and it is jsut turning into this mini night mare. I have been worrying about it all weekend. I am really frustrated, I was depending on the person who told me that the info was good and usable and it wasn't so I am mad about trusting the first person, and telling the second. ARG! Adam keeps telling me it's no big deal but it has been eating at me all weekend. I just cant seem to push it out of my head. :(

Night all --- so very tired

The Prius

2008-07-04T08:13:00.005-06:00

So Adam's Mom was nice enough to get Adam a Prius as a homecoming gift. When he went to register it on base they said he needed an emissions test. He tried to explain the them that it was a hybrid and a partial zero emissions vehicle, and that you couldn't test it. They refused and gave him a temp pass. So there are like 5 of these silly testing centers in the whole state of Washington. So we drove around for a while trying to find the place and we passed a car crash on I-5 as we were headed I-5 north. SO we drive around and we find the emissions test place and we wait in line. We get up to the testing place. and they say, "We can't test priuses, they are a partial zero emission vehicle." We were like can we get a piece of paper saying its cool with you so we can register the car on base? They sent us to talk to the lady inside. Well she couldn't find the memos that they usually give out. She said that they had told the army a bunch of times that the Priuses don't need state emissions tests. She gave us her card and told us to have them call the office and they would tell them again.

So we drove all the way out there.... to get a business card. *suppresses profanities here* So on the way back, remember the car accident. Yeah we sat in traffic for 45 minutes to move 3 miles. We decided to get off and go to a movie. We gave up.

On a much brighter note we signed up for a sea kayaking trip on Sunday. We signed up for it at the Northwest Adventure Center (provided by the MWR). We are trying to make more friends so that Jenna doesn't go crazy. I can't seem to get Adam to invite Schultz and his girly over for dinner. It is like polar magnets. Whatever. The price was really reasonable. :)

Have a great Forth!

stupid people at airports and why Jenna very much dislikes them..

2008-06-30T03:28:00.002-06:00

(( because I try never to hate people))

Ok I don't know if you have ever heard he is my very favorite comedian, and I am including a youtube snippet of his work. I have all his cds and I even got to see him live at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs.

Needless to say I love the guy's work. He does this spiel about STUPID PEOPLE IN AIRPORTS. He says, I think they should have people walking around with the skinny end of a fishing pole.... the really flexible part. Anytime anyone does something stupid, wham just pop em on the back of the neck. Then you'd be walking don the street and see something with that welt on the back of the neck and say,"hey you did somethign stupid at the airport."

I really like his stuff because he doesn't swear and my little sisters love his work. i cna probably quote all 3 of his CDs. They are up on youtube and honestly are really a treat in the car and guaranteed to put a smile on your face.

I have to say just thinking about it has made feel a little more smiley.Very funny guy. Great for car trips!

Anyways, Adam has an awards ceremony and I am missing it because I am traveling. I am very sad. He promises me there will be more I can come to, so I don't feel totally horrid. On a final not before I board the plane, you can check our my alter ego, where I am post pictures of all the yarn I dyed: indiedyer.blogspot.com

BYE

I really wish I had time to post..

2008-06-29T20:44:00.001-06:00

cuz that would signify the end of the craziness and a moment of me time.

Ha ha anyways. I have a plane to catch in 4 hours.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Truthfully?

2008-06-25T22:04:00.002-06:00

Someone joked to me today that I might not make it through the vacation without Adam. It kind of feels that way. I know that sounds irrational, but when you have spent so much time apart it is hard to be rational. Don't try to talk "sense" into me, because I honestly don't want any. I love that I am head over heels in love with Adam and I don't want to change that.

As long as I am confessing..... Adam is cute. THAT'S NOT A BAD THING!!! I think I definitely see a side of him that other people don't see. That's ok with me too. I don't really wanna share.....People keep telling me this "honey moon" feeling will fade. I hope it doesn't. I'm so darn tickled with how thoughtful he is and how well he puts up with the craziness.

Caitlin and I were discussing the Army friends weirdness about the army "buddies." Like some of Adam's "army buddies" I keep trying to invite them over and Adam makes excuses. Then I leave and he hangs out with them. I am not bothered by this, but it just strikes me as funny. Maybe it is not just an army thing, maybe it is just a guy thing too. Adam is funny.

Yes I am going to survive with out him, but only for 6 days. :D

Things are going well for me. I think that my dye stuff will be going pretty well soon.
I'll give you a sneak peak: http://indiedyer.com

Leavin' on a jet plane....

2008-06-24T08:37:00.002-06:00

but have to leave butthead behind! :: Cue crying::

I am slated to go somewhere's "on business" and it happens to be my mother's house in VERMONT, but I am going without Adam which always causes tears, and the snotting of Adam's shirts. He doesn't seem to mind. He is a great sport. So in my guilty state of leaving him behind I am really giving the housey-house a good clean and running a bunch of errands that we have been meaning to run. Can we say guilty conscience? How guilty do you have to feel to clean? In my case pretty dang guilty. It's only for 6 days, and then I will be back with him again, but still.

But hopefully this trip will prove to be financially rewarding and I am hoping that it is a stepping stone on the path to financially more stable so... in the interest of our long term future; I am going. Yes siree bob, it is time for me to take on for the team.

Anyways, I am off to catch a plane among other things.

A SHOUTOUT to a friend of mine who is an amazing artist, go check out his stuff: http://mikeatron.com or his store where he sells prints and stuff: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=51436

WARNING: Blissful Jenna on the Prowl

2008-06-23T09:40:00.003-06:00

All I have to say is: THE WAIT IS WORTH IT. OMG it is so nice to have him home. I am floating on cloud nine.

I had a panic day where I was worried about whether I had made the right choice and what if I had prince charming-ized Adam and what was I doing here away from everything I had known and then I was reading this uber conservative Christian book about relationships and I freaked out.. So i went cry to Adam and he held me and said everything thing was going to be fine and this was normal and i would get used to it an I would develop a schedule. You know all the stuff I need to hear on a regular basis.

And he was right. The things I was worried about, panned out, and things make sense again. It's not perfect, I am learning. I am learning I have to start cooking dinner before we get hungry or we will eat out or snack before I get it done. I am learning that both of us have A LOT of shoes. I am learning to take my vitamins (::glares as Adam hands her her vitamins and drink::) and to enjoy someone caring about me enough to make me take them. I am learning he is a lot more efficient at building the furniture that comes out of a box if I DON'T try and help.

I think the transition of I don't need his help to do this stuff, to I can let him help me do stuff was kind of a hurdle. No I don't need him to make me breakfast, but he will sometimes. It's wonderful.

Saturday we went hiking with some friends of mine and although I am not a great hiker it was so great to see friends and hang out. I really enjoyed the hell out of it. Which informs me that I should try and make some more friends while I am here. I am not really sure how I am going to pull it off. I am sure I will.

I bought a book on hikes and "walks" in my area there is a lot of stuff around here to walk around :). So if anyone is in the area and wants to go on "walks". Maybe we could meet in some very public place and go on a walk.

I am heading to Vermont to do some business with / for my mother for a week. I hope Adam is going to be ok here in the house by himself.... with out me cooking vegetables for him..... :)

Hiding Out

2008-06-19T06:13:00.003-06:00

I haven't really been hiding out. I have just been weirdly busy, I have things that I have to do, but no one to force a schedule on me so I feel very lost. When Adam comes home there are errands to run immediately and I know he dislikes that. Fortunately he gets a 4 day this weekend. We could could us the lax time.

As far as living together, we are having fun to say the least. However in terms of having the right stuff at the right time and being in the right place I am missing my mark a little. Dinner is usually late, and i still working on things that Adam will eat. Usually if I cook a mistake I eat it anyways because I am too lazy to cook more. I didn't realize how sort of off putting some of my mistakes are.

I love shopping at the commissary. Adam hates it. I can't go with out him. That's too bad.

I can't tell if I am slacking and need to get my butt in gear, or if I am just transitioning and this much wobbling is just normal.

Anyways. I know it has been quiet on my end, but it is hard to tell what I shoudl and can post about now. Definitely Wobbly.

Settling in..

2008-06-13T07:18:00.003-06:00

I thought about calling this post day 2, but then I will start counting since he was deployed and that seems like a silly way to measure our lives. I am loving living with Adam. Yesterday my stepmother (my smother) came over with my little sisters and all of us cooked dinner (Taco Salad). I had a some margaritas, I bought that Jose Cuervo Gold premade, with the Grand Marnier; I was pretty dang impressed. Then I made brownies for dessert. We all sat out on my tiny patio with all my bajillion candles lit, and it was pretty fun.

I love having my family here, but they are leaving today. It's time for me to get on with my day a little more. I am still wanting a nap after Adam leaves for work. I am hoping that I will get used to his schedule a bit more. Today he is off to see the dentist.

It's pretty funny. I know next to nothing about the army, so poor Adam, I am CONSTANTLY asking questions about what he supposed to do and how X works and yadda yadda. There is a lot of stuff to understand that for sure.

Anyways, he woke up this morning and said,"YEAY! We survived day one!" He is so funny. Having him go to work is hard I start to get antsy and worry when he is gone for to long now. Hopefully he won't be called away really soon because that would be hard. I am getting used to it. Maintaining a house is a lot of work.Well small nap then some dishes.

The first day of the rest of our lives...

2008-06-12T10:52:00.003-06:00

BTW the last post about him being home, was my 150th. Dang I am prolific.

So he is home. NOW WHAT..... Lol its not quite that bad, but I definitely do have that sensation. Time didn't stop. We are continuing on with our lives.

It's weird because, it seems like we just picked up where we left off. Like he was here last week too. It is like the whole deployment was a bad dream. :: looks around suspiciously::

Anyways, this morning we got up ungodly early, took showers and I made him breakfast. He got got dressed in his "outfit", (that what I have taken to calling it) and we sat around eating breakfast very quietly...... I smiled and looked at him, "It seems really ...domestic... and normal.... and almost dooming, It seems like the first day of the rest of our lives....." He said,"I was thinking the same thing." We laughed. I said,"Haven't you always wanted a maid and a chef?" He said,"Not particularly, but now that I have one... it's not too shabby..." ;)

After he left I was still pretty tired, I need more sleep then he seems to, so I took a short nap.

So today's theme is definitely, NOW WHAT? The big excitement /hulabaloo is over and he is home and we have had a day hanging out having fun. Now I have to decide what to tackle next. I have plenty of things to do that I have been pushing away and avoiding and now I must face them and get on with my life. With Adam. It is still hard to wrap my head around.

He's Home

2008-06-10T22:38:00.001-06:00

After 4 freaking hours plus of spastic behavior on my part, he is here.

:)

Update

2008-06-09T18:25:00.001-06:00

I found him. They called and told me where he was.....

You will know when he is home, because, it will be really quiet on my end.....

:)

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE PLEASE

2008-06-09T08:47:00.002-06:00

Ok so where did he go? He got online yesterday and said, I am in the big K and I don't know when I am getting on my flight... ok, not comforting. So am looking at the frg site, frg site says,"Here are the x number of flights, manifests will be posted when they board." yadda yadda. So in my head, for them to arrive on this date at this time they would have to leave so many hours before, thus due to my ingenious and uninformed calculations, I should check manifests! Yay. They just went up, yeay!

10 minutes later..... He is not on ANY of these list for manifests. Neither him nor his battle buddy. So I check them again. Nope. Check my email. Nope. No voicemails either. Hmm weeeellllll.... where could he have gone? I get a grip and pace some more. We get to play our FAVORITE ARMY GAME: Based on the clues and some logic (not totally logical, because if this system were totally logical there would be less guessing), we get to try and put together a scenario of what could have happened that doesn't make us want to curl up into a little ball and cry.

SCENARIO 1: Maybe he didn't make a plane. Good News about this: He will prolly call or im so I KNOW.

SCENARIO 2: He has made the plane, but is not on the manifest.... Seems unlikely. Clues that support this theory: At the end of the manifest list there are some highlighted spots, Does that mean that there were more seat on the plane and something happen that they didn't get the name? Good News about this: He would be on a plane out of there and coming home.

SCENARIO 3: There are planes that are coming back that are not listed. Clues that support this: Currently I am voting for this theory because I thought it would take more than that to bring back his group or club or whatever they are called. His HERD of soldiers. There is a group unit I can relate too. Good News about this: He would be on a plane back and coming home.

So I am hoping I have heard where the heck he is by the time I am supposed to meet him where I am supposed to meet him. Knowing me I don't know if I could NOT go to the homecoming he MIHGT be at, then he probably won't be there and I will be very upset.

I am not allowing myself to think about ANY OTHER SCENARIOS. Though I am aware others might exist.

That concludes this session of MY FAVORITE ARMY GAME.

Maybe is he hanging out with Alice and the Queen of Hearts..... ;)

Owie and the big K

2008-06-08T00:00:00.002-06:00

Someone asked me today if I was excited. I am. Sort of. I was super insane over the top excited about 30 -35 days ago. Now I am just here and happy to be here but in a little bit of shock. Adam called today from the big K and I was happy to hear that he was safe, but at the same time, there was nothing he could really talk about and he had nothing to do. I talked at him for a little while and while I was chatting with him I bent down to look at some silverware and some how popped my knee out. I tried to pop it back in by straightening it and it really hurt for a second and then it seemed better. I am not sure what I did, but man it hurts like hell! Now it is sore and hurts to bend. If i stand on it straight it is fine, but if I move and bend (like to sit down or to get up or to get out of the car) OWIE! :( Not good.

I wish I could tell you about the count down, but I can't and that makes sense. So yeah. Pam leaves tomorrow, and my stepmom is coming to visit with my other sister. I very affectionately call my step mother my smother. It will be good to see her.

I bought curtains today. They are gold and I love them and I hope Adam likes them. I kept handing off the phone today after I hobbled myself because it is super awkward to shop and talk on the phone you can't tslk about anything personal. Finally, I kind of told the butt head I had to go, and that was kind of sad for him, but there is nothing else I can do for him here and now.

I am a little worried because I do feel kind of dull to him coming home and I am wondering what is wrong with me??? I think it is because he won't truly be mine until everyone leaves, or I wonder if I am just suppressing all my feelings about everything right now? It is very surprising to me that I am so blank. I feel really lost. Really lost, when I am awake I want to be sleeping and when I am sleeping I constantly wake up. I don't know what the problem is. I think it is that everyone is coming and going and I am thankful for all the support I just need some quiet time with my thoughts. I think I am just going to get my stepmom a hotel room, then I will be alone in my apartment but not too alone. It is so weird that I am on overload because I was living by myself with no friends for so long. Anyways, we will see how I feel in the next couple of days. So weird. Night.

I wanna post....

2008-06-06T23:18:00.002-06:00

... but I am too damn tired. Sry Guys- I have to take some time and sleep. I don't have anything scheduled for tomorrow. POD is unloaded, horses are set. Most of the stuff is in the house, even though it's messy. I tripped over something going to bed. The swearing is out of control. But we are here. Alive and well. My sister (15 years old) and Adam's Mom are both here helping me and we got a lot done, everything went way smoother than I could have imagined and the realization that Adam is going to be moving in with me is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I am going to bed and I will think about it in the morning as I am going to be kind to myself for once and GO TO BED AT A REASONABLE HOUR. Maybe I will get a call from Kuwait sometime soon. One can only hope. It's like the lull before the storm eh? On top of that, TGIF so I don't even have the option of calling people back as it is not a business day. THANK GOD!

Hmnt.
NIGHT

Missoula, MT

2008-06-04T22:55:00.003-06:00

I am here. Barely. Very frustrating day. I didn't know/ remember that you need to buy special CERTIFIED WEED FREE HAY to drive through Yellowstone. SO I had to go around. It took 2 extra hours. Then I couldn't stop sneezing or my eyes watering. Then we got here and got lost! The pens for the horses are so-so.

BUT we are here! There is a best western, starbucks and cracker barrel. Rae and I am having fun! One more day until we are in Washington and gong to finish moving. I am just plowing through. I am just not letting anything me. I guess that is all I can do.

I have to get some sleep.

I made it to Wyoming.

2008-06-02T15:03:00.002-06:00

And I am leaving for Washington Wednesday. I am borrowing my little sister, Rae to travel with me.

The last couple of days, on my way here, the clutch went out of my truck, SO I thought I was going to have to fly to Wyoming and borrow my Dad's truck. Fortunately I found someone to replace my clutch in ONE day. They were very nice.

I manage to make the long 2 days to Wyoming. I stopped in Colorado Springs, and saw some old friends and that provided some much needed relief and stress break.

So I got in and I started cleaning packing doing my to do list. Then my stepmom showed up and was like, "You should come drink margaritas and stay at my house, I have "your" bed all made up." I thought to my self stay at my house, make my own bed, OR have margaritas and not have to deal with anything..... TOUGH CHOICE.

So I am hiding out and shirking from some of my responsibilities. I got a bunch of stuff done, but i have a bunch more to do. I am going to make a list of what seems feasible. I just want to go now to Washington and not deal with any of the stuff here. I does feel good though in some ways to move out of my old "childhood" room so my sister Sarah can have it. It feels like I am really growing up, and consolidating and throwing out a lot of stuff I really don't need. So it is good. All my responsibilities to the horses here at the ranch are just going to have to wait until I really have a good amount of time to dedicate to them. Hopefully I will find some time in July. I don't have anything so pressing it cannot wait another 2 months. That is what I have to keep telling myself. It is hard though to see all the work that needs to be done and not freak out. Sigh. Soon is getting sooner. :) I am very excited. I should be in Washington by Thursday evening. Then all I have to do is unload my stuff and wait for Adam to come home. Spend time with Adam's Mom Pam and my family (if they have time to come).

Adam here I come!

If I was Smart

2008-05-29T00:30:00.003-06:00

I have been day dreaming about finding the time to write in my blog for the last 3 days. I haven't found any practical time to write. Every night in Washington I was tired and worked until I wanted to sleep or later.

I am back in Texas now and feeling pretty lonely after all the bustle with Pam and I getting everything ready. It was nice to sleep in a place where I wasn't alone in the house.

So what do you want to hear about first?
How about I tell you about how awesome the prius is and how GLAD I am that Adam's Mom got it for him. It is a god send on gas mileage. I know we spent less then $200 on gas the entire trip. I am dreading the fortune I am going to spend on gas hauling my horse to Washington.

How much I love my new apartment? The incredible trip to Ikea and subsequent furniture building parties? The amount of pie I ate at Shari's (local greasy spoon that specializes in pie)? I think I easily ate a whole pie by the time I was there.

How about I tell you about my first FRG meeting? Let's just say I survived, and "Welcome Home Day" is going to be exciting. There were a lot of babies there. One girl was talking about how she found out she was prego 6 days after he left.... Wow. There were a lot of different types of people there. Base is a little intimidating for me. Ok a lot intimidating for me. I was just never raised around it.

So I got back so late tonight and I am doing my If I was Smart things... You know how you think to yourself, If I was smart, I would put those car keys where I can find them. So I just started doing those things. I looked at my schedule to drive home and then drive out to Washington and I realized there wasn't enough time. So I cut out a trip to New Mexico to look at Betcha, and see if I could pick up Adam's huge black dresser (Sry, Butthead it won't fit comfortably in our room anyways). I had one of the ranch guys help me get some vet work done on one of my horses, so I can leave Tuesday instead of Wednesday. I cam home tonight and knew I wouldn't be able to sleep for a bit so I vacuumed, swept /mopped, and packed some more stuff. I think I just ran through my very last load of laundry. Now I have a headache because I am very very tired.

I thought to myself: If I were smart I would plug in my phone so I won't have to argue with it tomorrow when I start to run out of battery. So I plugged in my phone. I changed my trip around so when I stop the first night I will be staying with friends, and my horse will be staying with friends. That way I can catch some down time.

Here is the plan for me, and I have to write it out because I am neurotic and I think once I write it down, it will be more obvious if I am still trying to do too much stuff.
Tomorrow (later today): Get one last ride in with Leon, hook up my horse trailer, bring it to my house. Go to the chiropractor, post office( mail last bit of stuff to friends and get a change of address), get an oil change. Go to the vet, pick up the paperwork for traveling, and go buy some last minute things at Teskeys. Finish packing up my stuff, do the last minute vacuuming and mopping. LEAVE KEYS. Call Electricity, Water and Internet and Cancel. Get paper work for my horse out of Leon's office, and leave paperwork on my show horse for Leon.

Friday: Get up at like 4 am, load my mattress into the horse trailer, drive to the ranch, load up my horse, TAKE SOME HAY AND SHAVINGS. Start driving to Colorado Springs, should be a 12 hour or so drive. Drop off horse, stay at friends.

Saturday, get up and leisurely drive to Wyoming (7 hours)

Sunday and Monday: Pack up my old room in Wyoming ( my little sister is getting it), and get all of Adam's stuff, and my stuff from the ranch that we need (like his passport and my camping gear). Do things that I am committed to do, like finish some paper work on some babies, and look at my apartment over the barn and see if they need me to do anything on that. I need to ride a horse for my Dad and gather some horses to take to Washington. I also need to check on which horses have shoes, and make sure any horses not being ridden have the shoes pulled. I am borrowing my Dad's truck. I need to get health papers for 2 horses. I need to call Missoula, MT fairgrounds, and find out if I can keep some horses overnight there.

Tuesday Morning:
Load up my 3 horses. Make sure all my stuff is loaded, head for Missoula. 12 hour drive.

Wednesday:
Load up and drive to Roy, WA and drop off my ponies and unhook my trailer.

Thursday: Hmm I think I will take delivery of the pod, and I will pickup Adam's Mom from the airport. She offered to help me unload, very kind of her.

Friday: Unload the pod, have it picked up.

Saturday: Get the house ready.

Then I wait. Until he comes home. I am so worn out just thinking about it all. It does seem like a lot. But I knew these days would be the hardest. Especially right now because I have so much to do between now and then.

PS I got a pic of the master bedroom, I don't want to put too much up in case Adam sees it. So I will put it up in a little while.

W.O.R.N O.U.T.

2008-05-26T03:27:00.002-06:00

We in the last instance is Adam's mother Pam, who has been my traveling buddy for the last little while.

We went to IKEA today for 6 hours. Poor Adam, poor Adam's prius. The first tiem we went through and got some bearings. Then we bought small stuff and measured the car to see if the bed frame would fit in it. Then we bought some large stuff. We went back and CRAMMED that car full. Then I wanted to get some chairs, for the balcony. Pam didn't think the boxes would fit. We went back a THIRD time and I MADE them fit. I don't knwo how we did it. We got a table a queen bed frame and slats, a desk, a bookcase, several pillows, 2 comforters, and some odds and ends to fit in that car. Pam had to sit very scrunched behind me. We lugged it all up into the house, and then we started to assemble. Finally, when we were so hungry we just couldn't build another piece of furniture we went in search of food. We found a chinese buffet, and I tried some suspicious sushi which would later cause me to christen my new bathroom as it refused to stay down. :( Not so good. I feel much better now.

Honestly though, I just don't have the time or energy to deal with my outside life. I cannot think about it and I don't want to check my email.

Anyways, so if I am ignoring you guys don't take it personally. I am just out there.

It is soon guys.... :) I have to go back to Texas on Wednesday, and gather up my horses, then go back to Wyoming and get the rest of my stuff. Then come here to stay. It is a lot to do.

Nighto. I am sleeping in my new ikea stuff... very cool.

WE MADE IT!

2008-05-25T09:57:00.002-06:00

and didn't fall asleep once! Lol we didn't temp fate either. but we made it in 2 days.

The apartment is great, commercial and not as cute as Caitlin's, but we have a pool. :) It's cooler here in Washington and it feels really really nice. Last night we went to Shari's which is like a Denny's around here and we bought a bunch of pie.

Anyways, we are headed to IKEA. Wish me luck!

hmmm

2008-05-22T23:53:00.002-06:00

I made it. I am tired. Disillusioned, and lost BUT: I got ride in Adam's new car and GO THROUGH ALL HIS STUFF!

It was great! I found some things of mine that some how never made it back into my possession after our break up at boarding school..... ADAM! YOU STOLE MY GREEN HALTER! YOU JERK! Hmnt you have some explaining to do..... I am sure you were saving it for me. I decided that your bull riding accoutrement could stay here in NM.

So everything is set to be repacked in the car tomorrow and away we will go. Adam has a lot of "weird" army stuff. Operating manuals, a helmet, hats. I saved all his chicken books, they are coming with me to Washington.

Anyways its really late. Hopefully I will sleep.

NIGHT ALL

one of these days...

2008-05-21T22:26:00.002-06:00

I will catch up! HA HA HA, funny joke huh?

So that day is not today and I just wanted to shoot you faithful readers a quick "I am alive and okay" because I can be really foul and mean-tempered when I am tired and frustrated. I had to explain to my Dad the moving snafus (hey isn't that an army term.... wink wink) and he was less then thrilled. He says that I have a lack of communication skills in this one area. For me thats a grey area, because apparently telling or asking someone something once is not enough. I will admit I do let my self jump to conclusions, and feel like something has been decided when other people don't feel that way, and that maybe what happened a little with the pods people, but I still blame them. They should have made made it more obvious how much I needed to contact them AND how to contact them and that's all I am going to say. Anyways suffice to say he wasn't thrilled.

I was overly nice to someone and it cost me a night sleep last night as their dog whined all night from 2 am on when they left for work and left the puppy in the bathroom. UGH not fun. That was my stupid, but I was too nice to really remedy it. So no more being nice. Oh well.
This made me so tired that I lost it at work today and started crying about something stupid and looked like an idiot in front of everyone. Fortunately Leon is the nicest person in the world and told me it was ok. So yeah, Leon told me that he is behind Adam and I 100%, but that if I ever needed to come back, I would have a place. I am not really sure what that means though, cuz they don't pay me right now so. Ugh anyways, I am not going to think about it because I can't.

This is one of the longest stretches I have ever gone without talking to my beloved butthead. I hope to hear from him soon.

Sry about the non cohesiveness ;) I am headed out to help drive his Prius to Washington tomorrow. I am very excited, I have to say that at this very moment, the Adam return dance BEGINS because that is pretty much all I am going to be focused on from now until he is here in my arms.... He is a lot of freaking work! It is a very good thing I love him ya know? ;)

NIGHT

Not thinking.

2008-05-20T21:59:00.004-06:00

I was going to go to bed early tonight. Really. I was going to take T's advice. No. It's 11 pm and I am AWAKE, blogging.

I am not thinking. I don't want to think about leaving or missing people, or change or WHAT'S NEXT. I don't want to think about Adam coming home or how much I miss him or how close it really is.

Well when you don't think, that carries over into normal life too. I locked myself out of my car. AGAIN (and for $100 in Dallas, I got someone to unlock it). I know why I do it and I could explain why I do it all the time, but the truth is I just need to tape a key somewhere my car. No matter how careful I am I don't think I am going to be able to stop myself from doing. It's a long story.

I went to go see a movie. I didn't take into account how long the movie was and how late I would get back. Watching a movie alone again was sad and I missed Adam and cried. It is such a bummer that it is hard for me to watch movies that will make me miss him and cry. It makes everythign more complicated.

I left my phone at my house. Opps.

The trash people took my trash can 2 weeks early even though I paid for the whole month. What assholes. Why did they do that?

Anyways, I am done thinking for tonight. On the bright side I rode really well.
:)

On a side note: I would like to comment that I am pissed that people aren't holding their end of the agreement up and that someone else I am counting on is acting like a total jerk thus complicating my life. The apartment people told me last month NO PROBLEM letting us in on Memorial Day. The office will be open then they said. Those liars. They will not be freaking open, apparently. I am so sick of the runaround bullshit. I want it done and I want is done now. I can tell I am tired irritable.
It makes me want to choke the next irritating person.

Oh well

PODS

2008-05-19T22:28:00.004-06:00

Well

It was a roundabout day, and I very frustrated that the pods people are definitely not true to their advertising. They have screwed up my whole schedule and I have had to ask some family to step in and help where they really shouldn't have to. I a, grateful that they can, but really disappointed because I thought I had done a better job planning. I don't think I would use them again.

Counting down is wonderful. My house is empty except for the stuff that is coming with me to Wyoming. I had a bunch of stuff I was going to write about and now I can't remember any of it. I am sorry.

Oh yeah I remember! When I get out of my routine, everything tends to fall apart. I lose things I can't remember what I am supposed to be doing. It's bad. I am truly a person that relies on a schedule and a series of rituals that keep me going. They are not always the same rituals, but whatever it is that I am doing I have to keep doing. I am a little overwhelmed. Sometimes I wake up and I can't remember what is going on, or worse, I think of all the stuff I have to do and can't go back to sleep! Oh well. This is such a worthless post in the sense that I did have something reasonable to write about and now I can't remember at all what the purpose of the post was. Sigh.

I have been drinking too much diet coke and it makes my fingers tingle. Really irritating. They have been tingling all night. Ugh well, time to lay off the aspartame for e, and see the chiropractor tomorrow.

Night all I am giving in, and not "closing" this post.

PS: To all my blogging buddies: I have been keeping up with your blogs, I just haven't had time to thoughtfully comment. But I will soon!

75%

2008-05-17T21:43:00.002-06:00

I am 75% packed, and mostly packed in my pod. I was trying to tell someone who I am today. (I know here we go with the Who I am bs again ;) ) I am so many people to so many people. The internet aids that. When it is time to be someone new I log out with one account and log in with another.

I have my personal account (the one that I write this blog in) and then my professional account (sometimes you will see me comment with that google account and I set that profile to refer to this blog....) and another account that is totally separate that s for a different business venture.

Here I am packing to go, I had a great dinner with one of my co-workers and her mother tonight and I thought to myself as I left the restaurant, am I ready to not be this person any more? The apprentice? Part of me is really ready to not work the insane hours, or deal with the unrealistic expectations. On some level that is what draws you together, going beyond the norm to accomplish something. I mean on some disassociative level is that not what the army is? Soldiers working together to bear the burdens of war, army spouses commiserating together to share the pastimes of deployment. There is something there that brings people together.

I would be lying if I told you I wasn't terrified of losing who I am in the whole wash of all the things I am doing right now. However in the same breath, Adam is more important to me then anything and I can say with conviction that making that a part of my identity is very easy for me. I think what i struggle with more, is how much time to put into hors stuff, and how much time to put into career related work. I have really done a lot of research in both things. Finding the balance is going to be the key.

As my therapist always gently reminds me,"Do you have to know that now?" and the truth is I don't. I really need my sleep now. So I am going to snatch some and try and let the worries hit the back burner and trust myself to do the right thing when the time comes. :) Wish me luck.

PS: T- if other army significant others didn't feel a little jealous about my butthead coming home, while their's is still away, I would think they were crazy. I get jealous of Caitlin who is totally army free ;) (and of course living happily ever after!), but I am counting my blessings for what I have.

He Called

2008-05-16T23:16:00.002-06:00

For an hour! It's the first time I have talked to him in forever. My friend and I were eating lunch and so it was sort of awkward. He was his typical playful self and that was the best thing to hear in the entire world. Nothing could better then to him be his "regular self." I am fully aware that there may be days coming when it will seem like he is not the person I know. That is ok.

I think I am the luckiest person to have found him. Today one of my friends from college said to me,"Good he is coming back and hopefully you guys will have sometime to figure out if you still like each other." I don't need to figure it out. I know already. That is a good feeling, and talking to him on the phone like we saw each other yesterday has to be the most comforting thing on the planet. He knows when to read me, make fun of me, push me and be sweet. It is hard not to herofy him. He is the kind of guy that when you are arguing and you are ready to give in, he gives in too, and you realize that you both are willing to compromise to make the other a little happier. It is such a sweet feeling.

I was trying to figure out what he wanted from the stuff he mailed home to his Mom's house. He said,"Pack anything the looks important." How the heck am I going to know if something looks important?!?!? I said,"Well, nothing can be too terribly important if you can't even think of what it is to tell me to bring." He said,"Nope, as long as I have you and a place to sleep, I am golden." He was surprised I knew his favorite food. What a butthead. Who does he think I am? I am the life ruining girlfriend. Duh ;) I can't wait until he comes home so I can ruin his life some more.

Night other army significant others! If I can make it this far, you can too! I know it is worth it.

These are the lyrics that are us:
If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

I really want to post

2008-05-15T22:05:00.002-06:00

But I might be too tired. I have been thinking all day about something that would be a good blog topic and I cannot remember what the topic was. It was so good and appropriate.

I have failed. Many apologies. It's all just a little overwhelming. OH! I remember now!
I was going to write about how I am trying really hard to NOT imagine what his return will be like or how will be or what we should do or ANYTHING. It never turns out how I imagine anyways, so why agonize? The answer is: because I can't stop! Lol. SO every time I catch my self "imagining" I remind myself that imagine is pigeon holing, so I have to stop. It's hard. You just want everything to be perfect. It is not like if it isn't the world will end, or we won't recover. I know what will be perfect will be whatever Adam wants when he gets home. THUS I am trying not to plan anything. Sigh. I have to move out of my cabin in Wyoming so my sister can have it and my new apartment isn't ready yet so I guess my new home in Washington really will be my new home. How strange. Well here we go brave new world.....

Ugh I am so dang tired nothing sounds good. I am going to bed

Not Everyday

2008-05-14T20:36:00.002-06:00

This morning started off with a BANG! There was a crash of thunder so loud it set off a car alarm. I was SURE a bomb had gone off or that one of the local oil rigs had blown up. It was so unbelievable. I though to myself, 'If Adam lived here, would he be able to deal with the unbelievable thunder?'

I have been trying not to blog everyday because it seems a little obsessive. I have to say if I had one word to describe how I feel about Adam coming home right now, I think obsessed would be the right description. It is like I am finally letting myself remember all the little things I love about him. I am letting all his smiles and joke and games slip back into my memory. There was a time there for a while when I just had so much other stuff going on, and so much stress that I couldn't think about Adam being in Iraq. Now, I feel like it is edging its way back into my everyday consciousness. I am counting down the days. I have so much travel planned in the next couple days it is crazy. It is going to be a whirlwind trip.

I was thinking of some of the fun times we had in high school. One time we were walking to dinner with a group of our friends, and I was telling someone that I trusted Adam no matter what, and they said,"Would you trust him in a room full of naked girls?"(Such a typical high school student thing to say:: rolls eyes:: ). I said,"Of course, if he really loves me a room full of naked girls shouldn't change that, and if it does then he doesn't really want ME." Then they asked Adam,"Would you trust Jenna in a room full of naked men?" He looked at me apprehensively, and said,"No." It was so funny! Another time he actually convinced me the gullible wasn't in the dictionary. I am finally letting these memories not weigh so heavily on me.

I hung out at a coworkers house and drank margaritas and was ridiculously nice to her boyfriend. I knew it was because I miss Adam like crazy and that it was time to go home. So now there are bad thunderstorms and tornado warnings. Well I guess if my stuff gets wrecked by a tornado I don't have to move it? See there really is a silver lining every where.

I still haven't folded my laundry. :|

No Good Title

2008-05-12T21:27:00.002-06:00

OH NO! An unthemed blog post! Whatever will I do? LOL

In case you guys don't notice I do tend to try and pick a topic and stick with it. Tonight is topic-free which is a lot like rambling about my own life. I have to remember to find my phone before I go to bed because it plays my alarm for waking up.

Today was super productive. I am trying to more or less get to bed on time so tomorrow can be productive. If I don't get enough sleep, nothing feels good. I am working really really hard on honoring my need for sleep. It may seem strange, but sometimes I stay up late for no particularly good reason then have to drag myself out of bed in the morning when all I want to do is sleep. The other good things I have done for myself this evening include taking a shower and putting all my clean clothes in my room and PROMISING myself I would fold them tomorrow. I also did some dishes and wiped down the counters and my table. That is some kind of accomplishment. I meant to do some painting today, but I forgot. Not good.

I did some experimental cooking tonight and it ended fairly well and sort of typically in the idea that a stick of butter can fix almost any dish. :| Oh well. I have some cool ideas planned for Adam's "homecoming dinner." I think I will take some time to practice them BEFORE he comes home. Unfortunately, experimental cooking almost always ends with a really dirty kitchen. I did manage to load and start the dishwasher. Poor Adam, not only am I going to make him try experimental cooking, but he will either have to help me clean up or live with a messy kitchen afterwards. You might want to take pity on him. It was a very educational evening. I have learned that deglazing with red wine, means your sauce will be pink. Who would have thought that I should keep some beer around the house just for cooking? Sigh

I have to say I am so damn tired of being needed in like 10 places at once. I just wish that I could do everything from where I am. I guess if I had a private jet, that would be a satisfactory solution then I could be in Texas, Vermont, Pittsburgh, and Wyoming back to back to back to back. Unfortunately, I am without financing to jetset so I will attempt to NOT tear out my hair. Wish me luck.

Ok I am off to find my phone and hope that beauty rest really does work. I could really use a hair cut. ;)

So much

2008-05-11T20:15:00.003-06:00

I am on top of the world today. Lots of things are going well. I got to talk to Adam this morning for like an hour and a half and that was AWESOME!

Last night I was reading over the letters that butthead has sent me over the deployment and I noticed two things. One, in about November we both seriously slowed in the letter writing/ sending department. Two, his letters have a certain ring of uncertainty that I don't feel now. I fell asleep reading letters around 7 pm, I drug my self out of bed at 10, and shut off all the lights and locked all the doors and went back to sleep and crashed again until 3 am. I got up and ate some homemade chicken noodle soup, I went back to sleep around 4 am and woke up at 9:30 right before Adam got on. So I slept like 13 and half hours... Hmmm I guess I was worn out. LOL. Now that I have had a full weekend off, I feel ready for Monday.

Anyways when Butthead got on I told him about my observations and he said, "To be fair, we have been talking a lot more then we used to." Yes this is true, and I said,"We both have speed up in work load since then." Which is also true. Then I mentioned the new found strength, and he said,"Yeah, I see that too."

Who wold have thought that a relationship could grow stronger and MORE certain, when he was in Iraq? It's like we know we can't piss the other off to the leaving point anymore. I think we have some how past that point. In September, it will be two years (this time around), and 7 years of knowing each other. I said to him,"Are we getting the boring part yet?" He said,"Never." I said,"Good."

I think that we are going to be pretty happy when he comes home. We are the kind of people who kind of fall into place. I have a feeling that I am not going to get the break I so desperately crave because I will have other obligations. Adam really wants to go camping and he is going to make me hike. With a backpack. And I am going to be much slower than him. And he is going to push me... It is a good thing I hope. I miss him. I order a new bed for us and I am hoping to have it delivered while Pam and I are making out whirlwind run with the prius. Diesel has gone up to $4.27 a gallon. Maybe I will be borrowing the hybrid a bunch sheez.

Anyways, I can't think anymore. NIGHT.

Putting in my hours

2008-05-09T22:41:00.003-06:00

I have been working pretty hard lately. I am logging in the hours and the hard stuff that no one wants to do full tilt. You want good karma you have to make it. I am not saying I am not saying that because I have done some of the difficult stuff I deserve an easy time, I am saying if I put enough good stuff out there it is going to have to come back and bite me in the ass.

One of my coworkers said she would get up in the morning and feed the herd we have going, but then called late and asked if I could do it. She is off with her boyfriend, helping him change a transmission. Talk about love, lol. I told her I would do it. I have been picking up some of the slack I see, not all of it, but some of it.

This is why: when Adam comes home I am going to take at least 4 weeks if not MORE off. I am going to: DO NOTHING -- CHILL OUT -- DON'T F*ING BUG ME -- OFF. I am going to sleep, I am going to baby Adam, and I am not going to worry. I am going to cook and decorate and meet him after work. We are going to dgo do anything that he wants to do. I am going to lounge and use the pool and sleep as much as I want. I am going to turn the place we live into the most comfortable functional space it can be within my budget.

Most of all I am not going to catch any flak for it. I don't CARE what you think about me spending as much time with Adam as I want as is humanely possible. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME EARNING MONEY, TAKING CLASSES, OR GETTING A JOB. I won't hear any criticism from anyone for a month! I am going to ride my horses, enjoy the outdoors and do what ever I can to get me and Adam healthy and happy and do what is right for the both of us. I don't care if you think that what I do with him or for him is silly or over th top. I will protect his down time and any time with my with an unyielding amount of ferocity.

So I am putting in the hours of that's shitty and this isn't really my job, and being nice to people, and putting up with other people's incompetence and problems. I am not talking about work, just ANYONE in my life who holding me down or back for any reason.

I need a break. I am going to make sure that both Adam and I get one.

Happy Birthday Pam!

2008-05-08T21:31:00.003-06:00

It's Adam's Mom's birthday! If she wasn't born Adam could have never been born. And what good boy he was able to call her. :) He such a good guy. When they get off she gets me to give me an update. He sounds like he is his "normal"self. That is good to hear. Today was ok. I did what all grieving people do. I made and ate comfort food. ALL DAY. It was insane.

Blogger Personal Opinion BELOW
Ok I would love to know what people think about a television in the bedroom. People who are into feng shui think television in the bedroom is bad and drained the energy out of the room. I kind of feel the same way. HOWEVER, I do like to put my computer to play anime (Japanese cartoons) and that is comforting and helps me sleep. So whats the difference you ask between your computer and tv? 2 things, one television is one directional, to me, and two there is not mandatory ads on my computer like there are on tv. So while tv seems draining, computer seems slightly dysfunctional (read not restful), but sometimes calm if it is not over stimulating. I have this weird love hate relationship with tv and sleep. If I am watching regular tv I cannot sleep unless I am sick. If I am sick, then I almost need to watch tv to occupy my mind to sleep.

Anyways, I know that our bedroom in Washington will need to be really clutter free. I think it is true that to much stuff in he bedroom detracts. I know Adam really wants a simple bedroom.

In 7 days, they should deliver the pod so I can pack it. Then I have 5 days to pack it. Then I will have no stuff for 6 days, then I will drive to Washington with Pam. Then I will fly back, load up my horses, say a sad good bye to my house, and start driving with my horses. I have to go to Wyoming and figure out which horses I am taking. It all seems far away, but not far, just tangible. Which is INSANE.

It is all I can do..

2008-05-07T21:20:00.003-06:00

to write in my blog tonight. You know sometimes being who you are in a place you don't fit in is just what you have to do. No more excuses. Lately it has been easier then in the past to be "who I am." Whoever the hell that is. I had a frustrating day. So I called my best friend Melissa and she let me yell at the phone for an hour. Very cathartic. I think that if I didn't have a friend like her, I would most certainly go crazy. She confirms that I am not going insane, that my circumstances sometimes don't make any SENSE and that if we were reversed I would tell her to quit her job, and she is right. I would. Maybe.

I truly believe that most things happen for a reason. I don't mean that there is some obvious destiny plan way that my life is supposed to happen. Instead I believe that God gives me opportunities to learn something, and that there is something that can be gained out of every situation, even if it is just that I must be building up good karma because I can't see any value in X. Or maybe I am supposed to learn to get myself out of bad situations. Whatever the lesson is supposed to be I am sure there is a lesson anyways. I have been learning a lot about myself this last month or so.

Melissa firmly believes that life isn't fair, and it is never so why get hung up in the fact that somethings are really unfair. I think that we should strive for fairness, even though it is not often achievable.

I tend to be responsible, at least I like to think I am. Unfortunately, people don't like responsible people is my conclusion. I have always been the "boring" goody two-shoes (where the hell did that saying come from anyways!?!?). In that way I am not adventurous or brave, I don't like breaking the rules or laws or not having a plan or taking responsibility for things that could get me into trouble. When people joe and laugh about the super stupid and irresponsible things they have done, it makes me feel ill. It's not funny, it is lucky that nothing worse happened. I know I am a down when I fail to find humor in theses situations. Sorry. I just cannot believe how irresponsible some people when they make their life choices. I don't find it funny when people joke about being married young and being clueless, making uninformed, selfish choices, and being miserable. That's just sad. I am not the type of person who can put on a smile and pretend like I think it is. I can't and I won't, there is no reason to.

Anyways, we had to take a very nice horse to vet because she got sick and we are all worried about her. I hope she gets better soon and doesn't need surgery. I am tired of being undervalued. But people make their choices, and maybe it is the right choice for them and they are being true to themselves, and you can't help them no matter how much you want to. Especially if they don't want help. Which is exactly what it feel like right now. I am glad I can see that I try to not take it so personally, because my feelings get hurt really easily.

Moving on! Adam got online last night and told me I MUST bring the trunk to Washington. Cool I am glad someone decided. I am trying to figure out how to get to Washington with my work schedule and I think I am just going to have to flat out tell them what I need to do, and not ask. I just have to make sure I am in the right mind set when I do that so I don't act childish. HMM food for thought anyways.

(( I had very bad grammar through out this blog post, I do apologize.))

UPDATE:: Just found out that the horse had to be put down. Going to be a REALLY hard day tomorrow.

BETCHA FOALED!

2008-05-06T21:37:00.003-06:00

Adam and I are now the proud human parents of Betcha's new dun stud colt. I have not seen him personally, BUT I have heard he is quite handsome. I will be visiting him at the end of May and I will be sure to take plenty of pictures. I was really hoping for a filly (girl), but I have heard the little guy is quite handsome and has a small star on his forehead. I am so very excited to go visit. I had a hard time getting her bred she just wouldn't stay in foal and now, she has a beautiful baby on the ground. The baby is in NM, with Mommy, and Betcha is going to get rebred back to the same stallion. So I am purdy dang excited.

In other bnews I made a lot of cake tonight. I made a Genoise with Strawberries and Cream. It's kind of a complicated cake but it is really delicious. The first cake i made I wasn't careful enough with, so I quickly whipped up another one. Now that I have really had nothing but strawberries and whipped cream and cake I feel sick! But I have mastered a new cake technique.

Today was ok, someone asked how soon until Adam comes home. Now it seems SOON. If everything goes according to plan (which it rarely does) I am soon closing in on the the time to move to Washington (I was more specific but Adam got on and said CHANGE IT, too specific). Obviously, I can't really say much more than that. I am really just trying to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. :) I have a countdown in my head. Part of me is excited and part of me is like CRAP, I have a LOT to do between now and then. Packing my house seems like a lot of work in some respects, but in others its seems kind of normal and very manageable. I should time myself to see how long it actually takes me because I have moved ALL MY LIFE, and particularly a lot in the last couple of years due to college. So. I have kind of gotten to the point where moving is just a part of living. I have several days of packing ahead, but since I have had it on my mind for a while, I have been trying not to buy stuff I have to move, and I unpacked things in a way that they would be easy to pack up again.

UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE I KNOW AND LOVE (BUTTHEAD) I save the original boxes for this, I keep them until I move, then I know whether or not I needed it to pack that way expensive things go back in the boxes they came out of and are protected in their travels, unlike someones huge unwieldy television. ;) Some of my furniture I knew was going to be temporary, so I am not hurt that it will stay behind. Less to pack. Hopefully we will be in our new place a while. IE longer then 9 months. I am so freaking sick of moving it's insane. I am really to have a place we can personalize a little. Rather then just another white walled apartment.

Well I am super excited about my foal. I can't wait to see him.