Wiggly

My whole life is wiggly right now. Can't be pinned down at any one place. I talked to Adam last night and his comment was, it's only a couple more months. He is only looking to the end of the deployment. Very funny. I am looking beyond the deployment into the "rest of our lives." I was talking to my Dad the other day about all the stuff I had going on in my life personally and his comment was,"We have a lot of balls in play right now." That hits the nail on the head to say the least. My little sister is having a lot of problems with my mother and it's starting to take its toll on both of us. People keep telling me, it's not that bad, and then I tell them after hearing some of my stories that they are welcome to try and spend a week living with her. Their instant reaction is no way in hell. Then I ask them, "Then how can you tell me I should let her go back for several months if you won't even spend a week?" Doesn't seem fair. Then they tell me it is not my responsibility. If it is not my responsibility, then whose is it?

So I have been doing a lot of horseback riding and thinking. I have always wanted to start my own line of western shirts. I don't know a ton about it, but go to any event and there is a serious need. These events require that the shirts be tucked in and 99% of the women's shirts made are too short, and the sleeves are too short. I paid to have some gorgeous designs drawn up and I love them, I would have to get samples and different sizings made. I have a logo and a name for the company. The big name shirt companies often make one or two performance shirts a season. One season they were mostly pink. If you don't want a pink shirt your are out of luck. I would imagine the shirts I would produce would be more expensive then the average Western shirt, but I would expect the quality and the fit to be superb. I don't know enough about the market to know if it would hold such a company. There are some tests you can do to find out what initial response is so I guess the next thing to do is have some samples made and try it. After having my last business idea flop I am not excited about failing again. I guess you could say I a pretty scared to try. I thought about maybe putting together a business and taking it to a big clothing company and seeing if they were interested. I have a feeling they would just steal my ideas. I don't know do you guys think? Get a normal 9-5 and give on my grand dreams? Or charge into my grand schemes and learn to tolerate failure if I do fail?

I don't know. Today I thought about all the stuff going in my life and how I couldn't really talk about a ton of it because so many people I know read my blog. So I disconnected my blog from my facebook and tried to get a little more personal and tell you real stuff rather then just beating around the bush about everything that is going on because really what's the point? I am who I am and if I don't fit in with Bob and Jane's so-called normal life I don't. I live in a world where I was told I could grow up to be anything and that I should be innovative and amazing and inventive. I have had the opportunity to do some amazing things, but now that I have to stand on my own two legs, on my own laurels I am not sure I am doing that. I feel like I am waiting for stuff to happen to me. It' not a great feeling I have to say. One of my faults is that I rush into things and tire of them quickly. Thus I hesitate to start things because I never know how long I will be interested in something. So instead of deciding things I waffle. Once you make a decision you stuck with it until you can get out of it. How long do you have to stick with something before you decide it's not right? My last job? 3 pay periods.... I hated it.... My house in Fort Collins, 6 months, it's just not working for me it's too expensive for what I am getting, and I am not hanging out with people who are moving me forward. Fort Collins as a city: I am taking a break, I haven't found a job I like and I am still not sure about the snow and cold winters.

It's all wiggly.

Decisions, Decisions.....

(Warning: This is a long rambling kinda of personal post. You have been warned.)

Have you ever been thinking about what to do and then someone says the obvious answer? That happened to me. I don't know how you people plan your lives, but this is what I do with mine. I look at all the things I am trying to do, the commitments I have to keep, and that cash flow I have. Then I figure out the best course of action, this leads me down a very different path then most people.

So I was looking at how to pay off some debt I got myself into (totally MY fault) and my Dad mentioned that he wasn't at his house in Wyoming and I could have the whole place to myself, rent and utility free while he is most gone for the next 5 months. I can store all my stuff, all my horses are there, and I can keep my horses there for the price of feed. I have been trying to not move back to Wyoming for a lot of personal reasons, one of which is that I get REALLY REALLY lonely there. I went to boarding school, so I don't know many people, and going to a liberal arts college is not the norm for many, so I don't really fit in. However, as soon as my Dad said that to me, I knew that leaving my house in Fort Collins was the way to go, even though I didn't really want to at first. I thought I would find a job I liked there, and everything would fall right into place. It hasn't. I would settle down there IF I didn't have to go back to Washington after Adam get back.

That's where the huge hitch is in the whole process. If I would find a stable regular job in Fort Collins, we could probably afford a house with a little land for some horses. All I need to do is be able to put $600 a month towards a mortgage. The banker told me even if I have a written letter saying I have a job starting within 60 days we could probably get it done. When Adam gets back from Iraq, I have been told in no uncertain terms that even though he was stoplossed we have to give 3 more months where he has been stationed. I don't understand why 3 months, but that's the deal. SO me and Adam and the airstream trailer are headed for our RV park near exit 114 in Washington for 3 dreary Washington winter months. Well at least I will have the wonderful Olympia farmers market. For all practical purposes , it's April. I gave notice, I am going to move out at the end of the month. Even if I did get a job in this tough economy you think they are just going to be "cool" with me heading for Washington for 3 months this fall after I start? I think not. I have been working on all kinds of temp work ideas, but none have really panned out.

So I looked at the money I was spending and the money I was not bringing in and it became clear to me it was time to cut back on the spending. Especially when you consider in Fort Collins I am paying for TV, internet, electricity, gas ,and garbage. Adam's family also has some nice land and has invited me the horses and the dogs down. I am definitely going to take her up on that.

I guess what it comes down to is I don't like to work when I don't see a purpose or if I don't like or respect the people with whom I work. I don't really want a mindless 9-5. My job has to mean something to me and maybe some people see that as foolish and selfish, but that is who I am and that is who my husband married. I don't think he has a problem with it. I mean sometimes you have to suck it up and take one for the team, but I don't so I am not.

Everyday since Ada, left I have been doing things I choose to do. If I have a bad day, I have no one, but me, to be responsible for it. It's supposed to be liberating and often it is. I mean I thank God everyday that I am fortunate enough to be this way. I just wish I had something productive I could work towards or something to be part of so I wasn't so lonely. Unfortunately, I don't know many other college graduated- roping horseback riders-computer science- gaming- home cooks - stay at home army wifes. And by all means it's not that I am against people who are not. We just don't have a ton in common. I can smile politely and be interested in whatever it is you do, but it is not the most fufilling thing on the planet. What I would really love to find is more people who are into the same styles of riding and roping as me and hang out. Wellll goood luck. I would even really enjoy some people to play board games with or magic or some people to invite over for a (gasp) dinner party. That would be pretty fun. Since none of these things seem to be happening in Fort Collins, I may as well move back to Wyoming. Much cheaper there. Right now (and if you are still reading) I an near Fort Huachuca in Sonoita, AZ. There is a game store in the nearby town of Sierra Vista and they have game nights on Friday and Saturday and I thought I might swing by and check it out.


On a much different note, since I came to Arizona, my horses have been goign really well. I could write a whole other blog about my views on riding. I love my horses and I love to ride. Pictured above is Adam's horse Quick Draw ( I did post pictures of him as a baby in 2007 and you can see he has grown quite a bit). He was hot ans sweaty from being ridden and then I put my little Shelby in the saddle. She was pretty nervous, but she held still for the picture.

Early to Bed

I never used to go to bed early. This is something that Adam has taught me because he had to go to bed early. I used to have a really hard time falling asleep and instead would go to bed and stay up and read or play video games really late. I do not allow a television in our bedroom, for many reasons, but the main one being I would stay up late watching TV every night. I will let you in on a little secret I have learned. If you go to bed early getting up in the morning is generally a lot easier. If you go to bed at 8:30 or 9 every night, 6:30 to 7:30 am wake ups are easy-peasy. In fact, it will be really really hard to sleep past 8.

Now if I have something important to do in the morning I have no trouble "making" myself go to bed, I dread the waking up groggy and trying to push myself through a day. I almost never stay up late and jeopardize the next day. Where was this impetus when I was going to college and I was CONSTANTLY tired? Is something that just changes as you get older? If so I hope myself discipline for getting up, dressed and going in the morning when I am totally alone will be the next thing that just starts becoming natural. If I am with other people, I will get up/ dressed/ shower, etc and lead a normal day. If I am by myself I laze along until 10:30 or so before I get going. I have no self discipline that way.... maybe I should take some lessons from my husband... : )

I know why I go to bed early now and it is a sort of funny/ silly reason.In my mind, it makes the days go by faster. If I can get through another day, no matter how fun or good it was I always feel the same way; if I can get through it and go to bed, another day will come and I am that much closer to the deployment being over. I look forward for bed, not because I am tired, but because it is another day down. THANK GOD.

Last time Adam was deployed, I thought to myself, everything will be easier when he comes home. I won't have to take care of the house by myself, cook by myself, figure out how to spend the weekend by myself, etc. It wasn't easier when he came home, everything just doubled by two. It was in general more fun to do everything, but we had to make both people happy. I didn't know before he left the last time because we hadn't lived together. We lived together for over a year before this latest deployment. It's also true that we didn't have a ton of free time because the army work schedule is pretty demanding. SO here I am halfway through another deployment, and I catch myself thinking, "It will all be easier when he is home to stay..." and then I remember, yes somethings WERE easier, but most things are the same. If I want things to be "easier" (whatever the fuck that means -- I mean really... easier?) I better make them easier now. Definitely NOT wait for Adam to come home and hope for everything in my life to be magically "easier".

Anniversary

Yesterday was Adam's and my one year wedding anniversary. It is hard to believe it has already been a year. It's a little hard to believe that out of that first year of marriage we only got to spend 6 months together. I hung out with some friends and visited Tombstone, AZ yesterday and made sure to eat a bunch of Girl Scout cookies to celebrate. There was not enough cake left over to save plus that would involve living in one place.... ha ha ha ha. Not likely.

Adam is going to get midtour leave soon and so I am going to have to cut my trip in Arizona short and head home. I am not as excited as I thought I would be, but I know it is just a matter of time. I know it hasn't really hit me yet and when it does it will be like a tsunami or a big rig truck. I am trying to keep it in the back of my mind as much as possible. Once I am in the grip of Adam coming home excitement, watch out. I am a maniac and nothing else matters and you can't talk to me about anything else. You might see why I put this off until the very last moment. Normally I am so excited at the airport I cry and tremble. It's pretty pathetic. Oh well, I just bring a box of tissues and make the best of it.

I am ready for this deployment to be over. Really ready. I would almost trade midtour leave for him coming home to stay two weeks earlier. I am sure he needs the break, but I could hang on until the end of the tour if it meant he was coming home to stay.

Anyways-- to one successful year of marriage and hopefully to many more.

Movie Trailers

Movie trailers make things not seems so far away. I saw Alice in Wonderland in 3D with Adam's younger sister Becca. It was pretty good. It was a little flat for me, a little empty. Actually the best thing about the whole dang movie was the trailer for Tron. I didn't like the first one and the new one looks meh, maybe it will be good. I noticed the release date for the movie is 12.17.10. Adam will be home then. We can see it together. I was so excited I almost jumped in my seat I was so excited. I feel like I may be over the hump. It almost feels like he may come home soon.

It's like the first signs of springs, but instead it's the first signs of the end of the deployment. Hey-- I'll take what I can get.

Telephone

He called or rather imed me while I was driving. I hurriedly pulled over to the nearing parking lot and told him to call me. Apparently it's been busy in Iraq. I said,"Really?" He said,"Um yeah honey, watch CNN. It's all over the news..." I told him matter of factly,"I don't watch the news." I don't like to watch the news for a number of personal first hand experiences on how the news can be spun. Plus if anything important happens to my husband, I will hear about it from the Army loonnnngggg before the news. Why get worried and work up about something that probably didn't even happen in my husbands sector.

I watched the news a little bit, last deployment. When Adam told me how off it was it was a huge relief to stop watching the news. I'll read the news myself at news.google.com sometimes. Mostly I hear about things word of mouth. That's just the way I am.

So I feel a little better at having heard from him; it definitely lightened my day. I had a long day in the car driving from Fort Collins to Lander, WY and back. 10 hours in the car. Tomorrow we are headed for Arizona via Albuquerque. Going to be a long trip. I am tired just thinking about it.

I drove my husband's car today and that was pretty lonely. It seems like every little memory lately makes me burst out in tears. It's strange. I have counted the months off on my hands over and over trying to convince myself that I am past the half way point, but I am pretty sure no matter how I spin it, I am about half way through. I keep telling myself the last couple of months will go faster...... that I am over the hump... I am just going to keep telling myself that. It's easier that way.

Ha ha, my biggest dog Mac is running and yipping in his sleep. It's very funny to watch. Anyways. NIGHT

Death by Missing Someone

Do you think it's possible? I am beginning to think so, it certainly feels that way. I need a hug from Adam in the worst way. As I drive down the road it's like there is this little mantra in the back of my mind that is saying,"I need a hug. I need a hug. I need a hug..." It's very strange and distracting.

It has been a WEEK! Now I have gone longer then that without hearing from him before and I am sure other wives have also, but some how this week without a word is almost unbearable. What is kind of amusing is even when we do talk we don't really talk about much. I try and tell him what is going on here and he tries to understand and be helpful. Really though, we just say a lot of nonsense stuff and I love yous. Some how not being able to talk about even the nonsensical things is making me crazy. Sigh oh well.

I watch a lot more tv when Adam is gone. Not a little more A LOT MORE. It's like I binge on TV. In some ways I LOOOVVEEEE TV. I will watch it all weekend straight, and recently most of the weekdays as well; I am glued to it. I think it makes me forget about about everything and leave it all behind. It definitely has a drug like effect on me. Who needs alcohol -- I have television. Few calories, even few hungover feelings. For some reason I am really really tired. I had sort of a stressful day and tomorrow I will have another stressful day so I think I am going to catch some sleep (yeah my 9'o clock bedtime has rolled around and I am exhausted....how embarrassing)
GOOD NIGHT everyone and please Adam, find some internet soon. I am going crazy over here.....

Generation Me -- Recent Read

Excellent book. Makes me wonder if I have been brain washed all my life to think I am special and that I can do anything. On the flip side I wonder if the author is overly negative. The book is about how "Generation Me" i.e. people born in the 70s, 80s, and 90s, are entitled and think they are capable of anything. I am entitled and I think I am capable of anything. See?? Seee??

The author goes on to show that we are struggling to survive with two incomes most people can't afford to have children. It used to be families afforded their lifestyle on one white collar or blue collar income. Nowadays you can't afford anything without two incomes. She also talks about how we spend more time alone then any other generation. She talks about why we as a generation are so blase about politics and social movement. We were taught to be different and stand out and we don't join social groups. Anyways, while I don't always agree with her conclusions (especially that we as a whole need a reality check to bring our expectations in line with realities), I do agree sometimes we set ourselves up for failure. I highly recommend the book it was excellent.

I am working on my own self esteem to make sure I sound like I sound sure of myself. No more well I thinks, buts, I believes, just shoot from the hip. Talk slow, don't laugh too loud, take deep breaths. Actually know what you are saying. Ha very funny. I know what I am saying is good. I am just young. Oh well. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

No word from the meeper. :( Very Sad. He'd know what to say. He always does. That's why I love him. Sending my heartfelt thoughts out to other deployed couples. Hope you are getting through it okay too.

Sleep is goooooodddddd........

I go to bed really early now. I get up really early now too. This morning I accidentally got up at 5:30 (?) and let the dogs out and while I was up and watching the dogs out the window I thought,"I should feed the horses, I feel pretty awake." So I put on some more clothes and head outside, feed our ponies and give them their quick rubs. I come back in grab soem dog food and shuck the outdoor- hay filled clothes and jump back under the covers. Then I look at my phone, it's 6:38. I think "f**K! What am I doing up this early?!?!?" I thought it was a lot later. Sigh.

Sleep is the only time when I see Adam with out worrying. In my dreams I think he is actually there with me. I don't know he is halfway around the world. I wake up and I don't really remember what I was dreaming, but I wish I was still asleep. Sometimes I think I would sleep until he comes home if I could.

One thing that is really funny is when the dogs start acting tired, I tell them,"Bed!" and they jump up from their sleepy places and run into the bedroom and go lay on our bed. It's pretty humorous.

Well I am going to bed, pleasant dreams....

Acceptance

I received Adam's acceptance letter to CSU today. I was so happy I danced around the room. Then I got in my car and started into town and couldn't stop crying. He is supposed to be here. Dancing around the room, celebrating, telling me how great he is going to be. He is going to be great, I am so proud of him.

I haven't written in a while: various reasons. When people start reading the blog you feel obligated to write for them. Then I realized lots of people were reading it and I felt a little self conscious. Lastly, this deployment has been very similar to last deployment. Lots of waiting. People telling me they appreciate our "sacrafice" and to tell Adam thank you and all I want to do is scream at them they are not welcome, but instead I say politely I will pass the message along.

Sigh. It's been a long deployment. I am really ready for R and R and it can't come fast enough. Well regardless, ADAM CONGRATS! I love you.